“That’s it, Cash?” Uncle Victor call after my daddy.
Daddy don’t answer him, he just get up on his carriage where Mama waiting and start off.
One by one my family climb in they automobiles or carriages. Nobody say a word to me, nobody offer me a ride. Before the last of them come out, before Ella, Grit or Zay come and feel forced to choose, I start walking. I cut through the fields so I don’t have to see who all passing me by on the road. I cain’t take that, don’t feel like I can take much more.
Daddy angry with me, cause folks angry with him. They think he should have done something to keep what happened from happening. I don’t know how he could have, Miemay ain’t tell nobody what she was doing cept ‘a lawyer. Iain never spect to get nothing from ‘a, Iain wont nothing. I don’t know what to say to them or nobody else. I don’t know what to say for myself.
I wish Miemay was here, walking beside me on the road. Some part of me feel like I done buried my own mama in lots a ways. I think about the story she told me bout when she first arrived at ‘a master’s plantation. The missus had sold the last girl away from ‘a whole family, and he’d used the money to buy Miemay. His family hated Miemay, mistreated ‘a.
His plantation was a old one, with generations of slaves and family ties. He’d set ‘a up, a child in ‘a own cabin. Other slaves saw it as a unearned reward. They was crowded in they own quarters, and there were other women with children by ’im. They wondered what made Miemay so special. They assumed cause she looked white, he thought she was better, so naturally Miemay must’ve believed that, too. It didn’t help that Miemay wore ‘a fear of being a child in a new place, and the sadness of missing her mama as silence.
Miemay said she didn’t know how to be or how to talk to other slaves. Then Mistress Belanger beat and burned ‘a so much, she was always hiding, trying to make ‘aself small, praying she’d go unnoticed. Other slaves took ‘a behavior as evidence that she was being uppity. They didn’t know she thought ‘a skin was a curse, even as a child, cause how she looked is what got ‘a sold away from ‘a mama.
Miemay say she felt like a turkey being fattened up for the killing. She felt alone and desperate to be close to other slaves, other children, and their mothers. She missed her mother, but no other woman would mother her. The other slaves set themselves apart, put ‘a up on a pedestal. They didn’t trust ‘a, which left ‘a at Master Belanger’s mercy.
He was always buying ‘a things, and bringing ‘a things to ease his guilt. Sometimes she went to him without tears. Sometimes she completely disappeared before he came, and sometimes she was someone else for him.
Marriage something like that she’d say sometimes. Cept it’s yo own mama teaching you how to serve yo husband with a smile, no matter if you hurt, scared or tired. All my life she warned me, don’t disappear.
There were all these talks we’d had over the years. Now Miemay words coming to me in bits:
“Whatever ya do, keep alla you.”
“Life short, and Fatha Time ain’t gone stop for you ta catch ya breath.”
“Time don’t stop, it jus git goin moe and moe the olda ya git.”
“You be the first woman in my line strong enough ta keep alla yahself.”
“Men, they git ta grow up, but us women, they try ta keep like chirun,” she’d say, frowning like she got a bad taste in ‘a mouth at that last part.
“Folks teach they boys ta be strong and smart. Then teach they girls ta marry a strong and smart man.”
“Don’t never give yahself ta nobody. And don’t chu let nobody give you away ta nobody, you ain’t no slave,” she said one time after hearing a girl just turned 13 was marrying a man over 30 years old. She was so upset, she even yelled at me like I was gone get married to some old man the next day.
“You stay in them books. You gitcho lesson. You ain’t no slave what git bought and sold. You ain’t worthless, cain’t nobody just give you away.”
“You share yahself, and if a nigga don’t know how ta act or treat cha, you stop sharin. Ain’t lost nothing, cain’t lose nothing when you ain’t never gave nothing away.”
I hear wagons passing, all family, everybody else already gone to the hotel for the repast. I’m a long way from the church, fore I’m relieved I got keys to my own house. Iain got to go nowhere and answer or explain nothing. I smile a little, feel like Miemay walking home with me.
Then I remember I got that piano, so I say, “I’m gone play you a song.” Wiping my eyes, I feel she gone be waiting there to hear it, too. “Thank you for what you done,” I say. When the wind pick up, I say, “I love you.”
Spiritual people comprehend everything, but they themselves aren’t understood by anyone. 1 Corinthians 2:15 CEB
(Common English Bible)
Chapter Eleven
THE STAND OFF
“Ruthann say she gone leave me if things don’t change,” my brother Isaiah we call Zay, tell me. “Say she tired of working and not having nothing. Say she could be broke by ‘aself.”
I don’t say nothing, just keep picking and moving through the cotton trying to see what I can salvage. He looking too, talking more. Normally, we all on top of each other, working the fields from one end to the next. Lately, we be spread out cause the boll weevil done ruined so much of the crop. We just trying to pick and salvage whatever lil bit we can, ain much of nothing. Under these circumstances, one hand can work two or three times the land they use to could.
Money getting tight and we all feeling the pinch. I even see how the store barely making a profit, when it use to be doing so good. I mean even if folks mad at me, they ain gone waste a whole day riding to another town for the store, specially not since the other store in a white town. We been trying to stay away from them sinceit’s election year. My second cousin, Ernest who been running the store since he was a boy, say the hotel barely covering its own expenses. Everybody getting hit hard.
Then again, ain’t just the crop got me and Zay over here by ourselves. Daddy still mad at me, that’s why he way over there picking with my brothers. Me and Zay was always close. Even though Daddy being mean to me and the rest of ’em following his lead, I can always count on Zay to stand by me. Seem me and Zay got similar spirits and hearts. Sides Ella, he be the next one in the house I use to always be under, when I what’n watching Grit, before there was a Grit.
We silent for a long time when Zay start again. “I know you need some help round yo place, and I’ll be glad to help for free. But it sho help if you would pay me a lil something. I’d be willing to do whatever you need, anything?” he plead.
I hear him, but I know our daddy more. “Daddy would kill you if you help me,” I say resolved, and not wanting to pull him in the middle of all this.
“Man cain’t worry bout his daddy all the time, specially when he got a family of his own. My wife saying I’m weak willed, and everybody told ‘a I what’n no good field hand, and ‘a own daddy called me queer. Said I use to fall out from the heat and shit. What is that to say about another man?”
“Zay, you ain no field nigga, and you did use to fall out from the heat,” I remind ’im smiling.
“So what! I know it’s true, but what is that to say?” he fuss smiling then keep on talking. “I’m thinking I could come down to the store, you know watch yo back, help out round there and git out this heat. Help you on yo land, since yo crop ain been affected like this, since you ain growing cotton or nothing. I could help you hire people, all that.”
“I don’t hardly go in that store myself. If I put you in that store that be another bad thing waiting to happen. I try not to say nothing bout what’s going on in that store.”
“You need to,” he say too fast looking at me, and I feel like he telling me something else.
“Why? Something going on?” I stop and stare at him, and the way he move, and avoid my eyes, worry me. “If you know something I need to know tell me.”
“Ion know nothing you don’t already know,” he say firm, frowning in a way lik
e he holding his tongue.
“Well, in that case, I’m gone leave things the way they is.”
“They already bad, cain’t git no worse.”
“It could get worse.”
“Well shoot, Linny, I’m gone git myself hired out either way. I rather come help you over some stranger. I rather you hire family over some strangers.”
“Iain hired nobody,” I say sadly.
“You got to hire a few hands, you cain’t run all them acres by yahself, and the store too.”
“I know, but I been worried bout doing it. You know I’m already on everybody list, then Zion ain never been too kindly to strangers.”
“Well, that’s even more reason for you to hire me then, don’t you think?”
“I got to think about that,” I say looking over at Daddy, and feeling like a stranger in these fields I been working and helping in since I was born.
“Ain’t nothing against you, I just don’t want to put you in the middle of nothing.”
“It’s a lot going on you don’t know about, and I cain’t keep coming here working and ain’t got nothing to show for it. My chillen need clothes and shoes. My wife need to feel like she can buy a little extra here and there without it being no hardship. Only so long a man can live like that.”
“How much you need?” I look at him, waiting for a number.
His whole body start to stir, his head shake “no” fore his mouth finally say, “I’m a man, cain’t take no handouts. I wanna work for it. Iain asking no woman to take care of my family.”
“Iain no woman, I’m ya sister, remember that.”
“I’ll work for my sister, but I won’t be taking no handouts from ‘a. You hear?”
“I hear you, Zay,” I say, looking him in the eyes and seeing he don’t understand that taking a job with me be like declaring war on the family.
Nobody talk to me and I don’t talk to nobody. Nobody come out to the house, and I don’t go to church. I don’t even speak when I get to the field on these family days. I just get to work, and Daddy give work orders to everybody but me. I usually just follow Zay, and help him with whatever he assigned. Seem like Daddy be giving him more to do, in an offhanded way to keep from talking to me.
Zay here every day, but he what’n never no field hand. I mostly do his work. Still, it would help to have another pair of hands round the house.
***
“Linny?” Mama whisper loudly, tiptoeing outside they cabin backdoor, where I’m sitting, after cutting ‘a eyes round to make sure Daddy ain’t round fore she give me a plate. I smell ‘a red beans, with smoked neck bones and buttermilk cornbread. “Take this plate and go in the barn somewhere to eat.”
“No, thankya,” I say painfully, trying not to look at the plate knowing if Daddy find out he might get after ‘a.
“Go on now, fore he come back in,” she insists pushing the plate at me.
“He coming,” Isaiah announce, then disappear, probly to go sit down.
I hear the front door open.
Mama say, “Why you got to be so stubborn, just like ya daddy? This so silly!” Then she drop the plate so hard and loud beside me on the porch I jump up, grab it and start towards the barn.
When I get there, my first thought is to clean it off in the garbage and rinse the plate off at the pump. Feel like if Iain been eating lunch here for the last few months since Miemay died, why should I start today? Been bringing my own lunch pail this long, and I don’t want to go against what he say. On the other hand, I didn’t make no promise not to eat at his house, and Mama done gave it to me, and Iain never been one to throw no food away.
Sitting down, I start to eat. I taste everything Mama done put in here. Umm umph! It’s been a while since I tasted anybody cooking other than mine. I didn’t even go to the dinner after her funeral. Since I’m some kind of outsider now.
“Good, ain’t it?” Daddy startle me, making it feel like too much oil in my stomach. I swallow hard then put the plate down. “I asked ya not to eat here til you fixed this, didn’t I?”
I stand, feeling ashamed I’m eating at his house. Mad at myself that I keep coming round here, waiting for him to understand. Didn’t realize how bad it would hurt me to watch them eat together, and not invite me in. But Daddy’s word his law, and so is mine.
I take off my field sack and hang it on the barn wall silently.
“Why you so stubborn? Just give Uncle Victa back his inheritance. So ya pa will speak to ya, and we can stop all this foolishness. Ain’t yorn to keep in the first place.” Mama come from behind him. “Miemay was Victa’s grandma.”
I just stare off out at the wheat fields, I done already explained myself, a thousand times.
“Ramona!” Daddy growl, make Mama jump and get silent. “Stop talking to ‘a. Ain gone mind you if she ain gone mind me.” Then turning to me he say, “I’m shamed of ya. You a thief, a liar and a cheat. And ya deserve to be treated like one. I done told you don’t eat at my house til you fix what ya done.” Daddy glares at me slapping the back of his hand in the palm of the other, pounding out each syllable.
Feel like he hitting me with them words. I’m a statue, looking at the ground, any eye contact be a challenge to ’im and a reason to hit me. Isaiah done came out the house now too, and he watching us both sadly. I cain’t believe I was Daddy’s favorite.
Daddy kick the plate at me, and the beans go all over my skirt. I don’t wear pants when I come over here. Then he start towards me.
Mama run to grab his arm, and I brace myself for the lick. “Don’t do this Cassius,” Mama wrap ‘a arms round the one he bout to raise.
Daddy snatch away throwing Mama back in the dirt.
Me and Isaiah both move towards ‘a. We older now, ain’t gone be no more hitting our Mama.
Crying, Mama snatch away from me and Zay, sitting up and pouting, she yell in my face, “I been beggin ya, just give Victa back his inheritance.” Screaming and pushing ‘a own self up, Mama shout out, “Why Miemay do this? Make ‘a promise this? She always gittin Linny in trouble, now all Zion mad at our family. Like we got a whole lotta money.”
“Don’t speak ill of the dead.” Daddy leer at us like he might whup us all.
“Ion mind helping however I can,” I offer, not really understanding what she talking bout.
“I’m the man round here, and I don’t wont no money from ya. Don’t even want ya help round here! Matter fact, don’t come round here no more. This house ain’t cho family house, and we ain cho family til you fix this.”
“I made Miemay a promise on ‘a death bed. I’d be a liar if I parcel out ‘a things.”
“You already look like one.”
“I don’t care what I look like, when I know how things is.”
“Ain’t chu something! Gone stand here and sass me. The only one take care of you and watch out for you. The whole damn town know what you done. It’s hard walking round here with my head up. Knowing you done tricked a ol woman.” Beating on his chest, he scream, “What you do don’t just affect you. They thank we was all in on it.”
“Who is they?” I ask, and he step to me close. Isaiah jump in front of me like a shield. I don’t move, I keep my eyes to the ground, cause he waiting for a reason. I’m afraid we all gone be fighting round here. Iain gone let ’im beat me the way he beat my mama when I was young. Ain gone run from ’im either.
“Git ‘a thieving self off my property!” Daddy spit snuff on the ground like I’m a stranger, then look at me scowling. Isaiah lean back against me, staring Daddy in the eyes, and pushing me out the barn behind ’im.
“Don’t push me, Zay,” I lean into him, feeling like a rooster behind chicken wire. Turning around I find my lunch pail. Then I lift my head and look Daddy right in the eyes and resolve sadly, “That’s how you wont it, that’s how it’s gone be.”
“Ah nah, Cash,” Mama start to moan and cry. “She a girl, cain’t disown ‘a bout this.”
“She don’t need no daddy she ain’t g
one listen to,” Daddy turn his back on me and start towards the house. Mama look at me sadly, like it’s the last time she gone see me, then turn around and follow.
“He just upset right now.” Zay try to make me feel better. “He just talking.”
“Nah, Iain never knowed him to just talk.” I stop watching after Daddy and get on the road to my house. Zay don’t follow, less he be disowned, too.
I walk towards the sky, between neat rows of crops and feel the Georgia heat soaking in my skin. Wish I had rode Anastasia cause this a long walk. Miss my pants. Wind get where it need to be better than it do in these skirts. Cain’t wait to get home, in the tub, then eat a lil stew. Maybe I’ll play a little piano to soothe these blues. Or read and try to figure out how to keep my crops up by myself.
After a long while, I come up on Miemay cabin and notice the worn path to ‘a house starting to fill in. I see how her house be part of Zion. The wood come from these trees, and was cut by our men. But my house different, the wood come on the railroad, it’s treated and smoother. Her house airy, the wind pass through the walls. It’s better than the old slave houses sharecroppers in now, but not much better. Miemay house wood so dark, and old, it look like it could have grown up from the ground. While the other house she built, stand proud, the walls sound, and smooth against the sunshine.
I’m spose to have her old house torn down, but I don’t plan to ever do it. I’d never allow it, long as I own this land. I still go down there sometimes, to walk around in it, tend ‘a garden and talk to ‘a. Now, I’m staring at the porch like I spect to see ‘a there nodding back at me. This usually the time she be sitting out, chewing tabacca and taking in the wind. I swallow her absence hard, push on to my house. Soon as I see my porch, I see him, “The Gravedigger.”
“Good evening,” Reverend Patrick say, standing up from the porch bench, taking off his hat and walking to meet me at the top of my steps.
Feel like he blocking me from my own front door. I eye the door behind 'im, and feel how uncomfortable his position making us. Still, Iain got no words for ’im.
Descendants of Hagar Page 7