by James Frey
She ain’t no kid.
Joe speaks.
She ain’t more than seventeen.
Al speaks.
That don’t mean she’s still a kid.
Joe speaks.
Those guys are gonna fuck her up.
Tom speaks.
That ain’t our problem.
Joe speaks.
If it’s happening here it is.
Al speaks.
Plenty of shit happens around that ain’t none of our business. I saw some drunk guy drive his car into the ocean a few weeks ago. Didn’t have nothing to do with me so I walked away.
Joe speaks.
Shit that happens in the civilian world ain’t got nothing to do with us. If it happens in our world, we got to do something about it.
Tom speaks.
My world’s the liquor store, the tourists who give me money, and my sleeping bag.
Al speaks.
My world is the liquor store, the pier, and the Lord above, even though he’s forsaken me.
Joe speaks.
That girl’s too young to be living down here. And those motherfuckers in their hoodies ain’t gonna do nothing but use her and hurt her. Don’t matter how you look at it, it ain’t right.
Joe stands, starts walking away. Ugly Tom speaks.
Where you going, Joe?
Without stopping or turning around, Joe speaks.
I’m gonna go try and do something about it.
In 1915, D. W. Griffith writes and directs The Clansman, also known as The Birth of a Nation. The movie, which is shot in and around Los Angeles, portrays the Ku Klux Klan as a heroic band of soldiers fighting to reconstruct the South and preserve southern heritage after the Civil War. It destroys box-office records and becomes the most successful film ever made. It also serves as a siren call to filmmakers all over the country, who rush to Los Angeles in search of the same type of success. Griffith later founds United Artists with a group of actors and directors, and dies in 1948, penniless in a Hollywood flophouse.
Esperanza walks upstairs the coffee is made but Mrs. Campbell insists she remake it. She does, and she serves it, and Mrs. Campbell doesn’t like it, and she makes her do it again. Doug tries to object Mrs. Campbell tells him to mind his own business. Esperanza makes the second pot and the second pot is better, but not perfect, and Mrs. Campbell makes her do it again. When Doug objects again, Mrs. Campbell tells him he can have an opinion when he starts paying the bills. Esperanza makes a third pot and serves it and Mrs. Campbell deems it suitable, but just barely. Doug stares at the table. Esperanza wipes down the counters. Mrs. Campbell drinks her coffee and reads the paper. When Doug leaves, Esperanza watches him and hopes that he’ll look at her, acknowledge her, maybe smile at her if he can. His face is red, his head is down, he walks away.
For the rest of the day, Mrs. Campbell follows Esperanza around the house as she works, criticizes her, makes her redo almost everything she does, purposefully messes things up after Esperanza has cleaned them so that Esperanza will have to clean them again. When Esperanza asks for lunch, Mrs. Campbell tells her that she doesn’t deserve a lunch, and isn’t going to get one. The two times Esperanza needs to use the bathroom, Mrs. Campbell stands outside the door, staring at her watch and knocking every thirty seconds until Esperanza is finished. When she is, Mrs. Campbell makes her scrub the toilet.
It’s an endless day. Esperanza thinks about quitting, about just walking away. She thinks about Doug appreciates his attempt to stand up for her and feels embarrassed for the way his mother humiliated him, the shame he radiated as he left the room. She thinks about the flower in the basement. It’s the only thing that keeps her going. Doug left her a flower, a flower, for the first time in her life a man left her a flower, a rose, a red rose, a perfect beautiful red rose in a simple clear glass vase. It wasn’t a joke and it wasn’t left in jest and it wasn’t a mistake and it wasn’t for someone else. It’s hers, her flower, a perfect beautiful red rose in a simple clear glass vase. If he laughed when he left it, it was because he was happy about doing it. There was no mistake.
Esperanza finishes the last bathroom Mrs. Campbell tells her she’s disappointed in her and hopes she will work harder and better tomorrow. Esperanza smiles and nods and waits to be dismissed when she is she walks to the basement walks down the stairs when she reaches the bottom she sees Doug sitting on the edge of her cot. He looks up, his face is still red he looks tired and worn, he speaks.
Hi.
She smiles.
Hi.
How was your day?
It was awful.
I thought it might be.
What are you doing down here?
I wanted to talk to you.
Aren’t you supposed to be at work?
I told them I wasn’t feeling well, which is actually true, and took the afternoon off.
You don’t look so good.
Physically I’m fine. I just feel like an ass.
Don’t.
I do.
Don’t.
I’m sorry.
It’s okay.
It’s not.
It is.
She’s been doing this to me my whole life.
I can imagine.
I fucking hate her.
You should feel sorry for her.
No.
I do.
You’re a better person than I am.
She smiles.
I’m not.
He smiles.
It’s okay to admit it. Most people are better people than me.
She laughs.
I like you.
He keeps smiling.
Good. I like you too.
I have a question.
What?
How long have you been down here?
A couple hours.
Just sitting there?
Yeah.
You like it down here?
He laughs.
No.
She looks at her flower, which is still in its vase.
Thank you for the flower.
He smiles again.
I was hoping the moments we spent together after you found it were going to be a bit different than they were.
None of the moments in my life that I thought would be great ever have been. That’s just the way it goes.
I don’t like that.
Nothing you can do about it.
He stands, smiles, she’s a few feet away.
I’m nervous.
She smiles.
Why?
I want you to think that this is a great moment, a great day.
She laughs. He speaks.
I’m serious.
He takes a step forward. She speaks.
What are you doing?
He takes another step forward.
I’m a nerd, so I’m not good at this.
Another step.
What?
Another step, he’s a few inches away, she can see him shaking, he smiles his lips shaking, he reaches for her, his hands shaking.
The population of Los Angeles grows from 175,000 people to 1,750,000 people between the years 1900 and 1925.
Joe walks back to the bathroom by the time he gets there his head hurts so much that he knows his new job as Boardwalk Hero won’t start today. When he reaches the bathroom, he finds his stuff has been removed and set against the dumpster. He looks through it to see if anything is gone his extra clothes are there his sleeping bag is there his toiletries are there. He reaches for the door he wants to get his secret Chablis from the toilet tank but the door is locked he puts his ear to the door he can hear some tourist who’s doubtlessly had too many tacos and too much cotton candy and too many mocha delights moving around he hopes they finish soon his head fucking hurts. He sits down, leans against the dumpster, closes his eyes. As soon as he starts to relax, he hears a voice.
Joe.
He opens his eyes, Larry, who is the manager of the taco stand, and who, for marketing reasons, goes by the name Ricardo while
he’s at work, stands in front of him. Larry is short and fat, has long blond hair and blue eyes.
What’s up, Larry?
It’s Ricardo during business hours.
What’s up, Ricardo?
You know the rules, right.
Yeah.
You gotta be outta the bathroom by the time we open.
I know.
Your shit was in there this morning. You were nowhere to be found.
I got mugged.
What?
Not really mugged, because I got nothing to steal. But I got kicked in the head while I was on the beach this morning and I got knocked out.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Who the fuck would kick you in the head? You’re an old man.
I’m not that old.
Larry laughs.
I know you say you’re not old, but I don’t believe that shit. You’re seventy at least.
I’m thirty-nine.
Seventy-five.
Thirty-nine.
Seventy-five.
It doesn’t matter.
You shouldn’t drink so much.
I’m sorry about this morning.
Don’t do it again.
If Roberto catches you he’ll freak out.
Roberto?
The owner.
I thought his name was Tom.
Roberto. Marketing. Same as me.
Okay.
Your head okay?
It hurts.
You want some aspirin?
No. I’m gonna get drunk.
The toilet flushes. The door opens. Before they see the tourist, the smell overwhelms them, it is some combination of death, cheese, and sour milk. The tourist follows the smell he is an obese, sunburned white man wearing a tight Muscle Beach T-shirt, Bermuda shorts and neon sunglasses. He says excuse me, and steps around Larry. As soon as he’s gone, Larry holds his hand over his nose, speaks.
Bet that makes you forget about your headache.
Old Man Joe, who also has his hand over his nose, laughs.
See you later, Ricardo.
See you later.
Larry leaves. Old Man Joe stands and walks into the bathroom. He lifts the lid of the tank there are two bottles there he pulls one of them out and leaves as quickly as he can. He walks back towards the beach. He finds a nice shaded spot on the grass at the edge of the beach, directly beneath a palm tree. His head is fucking pounding. He drinks the bottle and his head starts to feel better. When he finishes his first bottle he goes to the dumpster of his favorite pizza place and finds a couple nice slices of day-old pepperoni, which he eats while sitting on the cement next to the dumpster. He goes back to the bathroom, gets his second bottle, goes back to the tree, slowly drinks the bottle, watches the swarms of tourists, a few of whom drop coins at his feet, watches the police watching the tourists, watches the locals watch the police. When he finishes the second bottle, his head is fine. He lies down and takes a nap. Before he falls asleep he thinks about Beatrice, hopes that she’s okay, even though he knows she’s not, thinks about what he could do to help her, get her away from here, find somewhere safe for her. He was going to do it today, all of it, get her out and be her hero. Today didn’t work. Maybe tomorrow.
In 1923, local tennis champion and real-estate developer Alphonzo Bell Sr. purchases 600 acres of land and starts building what he calls the Bel-Air Estates, which later becomes the town of Bel-Air. It is conceived as a refuge from the city of Los Angeles for wealthy, white businessmen and their families.
Every city can be fun, and every city has certain elements, or facts, about it that are fun. Learning fun facts is really an enjoyable, and sometimes enlightening process. And, of course, it’s fun too!!! Here is Fun Facts Los Angeles, Volume 1.
After serving as a fighter pilot for the navy in World War II, George Herbert Walker Bush, the forty-third vice president of the United States, and the forty-first president of the United States, was a drill-bit salesman in Los Angeles during the late 1940s.
It is illegal to manufacture pickles in the industrial zone of downtown Los Angeles.
A small portion of Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes are enshrined at the Self Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine Temple in Pacific Palisades. They are the only portion of Gandhi’s remains that are kept anywhere outside of India.
The economy of the County of Los Angeles is larger than that of forty-six of the fifty states in the United States of America.
The City of Los Angeles moves approximately one-quarter of an inch to the east every year.
It is illegal to lick a toad within the city limits of Los Angeles.
Herding flocks of more than 2,000 sheep on Hollywood Boulevard is illegal; flocks less than 2,000 are legal as long as the owner has a permit.
It is legal for human beings to marry rocks in the City of Los Angeles. The first such marriage occurred in 1950, when a secretary at an auto-parts factory named Jannene Swift married a large piece of granite.
The Port of Los Angeles handles almost 200 million tons of cargo every year.
For some reason that, despite extensive scientific research, remains unknown, potato chips weigh more in Los Angeles than in any other part of America.
There are sixty-five people in Los Angeles who have the legal name Jesus Christ.
There is more pornography produced in Los Angeles than in the rest of the world combined.
Every year, approximately 100,000 women in Los Angeles County have their breasts enhanced.
Fun fun fun, everyone knows that facts like these are tons and tons and tons of fun.
Every year, approximately 75,000 people undergo rhinoplasty procedures in Los Angeles (rhinoplasty is the fancy word for a nose job).
The Safely Surrendered Baby Law of Los Angeles County states that parents are permitted to bring any baby within three days of birth to any designated hospital or fire station and give the baby up without fear of arrest or prosecution.
Fifty-four percent of the citizens of Los Angeles County take vitamins on a daily basis, compared with twenty-two percent of the citizens in the rest of the country.
In 1886, the official slogan of the Los Angeles Travel Bureau was—Los Angeles is the Chicago of California!
The largest concrete donut in the world, which is 40 feet high and weighs 25 tons, is in Los Angeles.
It is illegal in the City of Los Angeles to provide or administer snuff to children under the age of sixteen.
There are four times more hamburgers eaten in Los Angeles County than in the rest of California combined.
In 1976 the physicians at all of the public hospitals in Los Angeles County went on strike and the average number of daily fatalities fell by 20 percent.
In 1955 the complete skeleton of an 80-foot-long, 120-ton blue whale was found buried in East Los Angeles, approximately thirty-five miles from the Pacific Ocean.
It is illegal within the city limits of Los Angeles to place two children under the age of two in a bathtub at the same time.
A little more fun, and then it’s time to go! But don’t worry, there will be at least one more, and possibly two or three more, volumes of Los Angeles Fun Facts!!!!!!!!
The average citizen of Los Angeles consumes 250 tacos a year.
The average citizen of Los Angeles consumes 80 gallons of carbonated, caffeinated cola every year.
Los Angeles is the only major city in the world with an active population of wild mountain lions. An average of three people each year within the city limits are killed and eaten by the mountain lions.
The average citizen of Los Angeles eats 28 pounds of fried chicken, 50 pounds of French fries, 22 gallons of ice cream, 12 pounds of tortilla chips and drinks 325 bottles of beer every year.
A contest was held in 1993 to rename the Los Angeles Convention and Exhibition Center after an extensive renovation and expansion. The winning name, chosen from over ten thousand entries, was the Los Angeles Convention Center.
In 1909, Glenn Martin becomes the fo
urth person to design, build and fly an aircraft when he takes off from the edge of an orange grove in southwest Los Angeles. In 1910, Los Angeles holds the world’s first air show at Dominguez Field, which draws 250,000 spectators. In 1914 Caltech opens its first aeronautics lab. In 1917, Woodrow Wilson announces a federally funded program to build 20,000 planes for the United States military. In 1921, Donald Douglas founds Douglas Aircraft in Santa Monica, which produces the first plane to circumnavigate the earth in 1924. It becomes the world’s largest aircraft manufacturer, and the DC designation of its planes an iconic representation of American aviation technology.
Amberton and Casey are in the back of a Mercedes limousine. There are four SUVs with paparazzi behind them. There are three paparazzi on the backs of motorcycles that take turns pulling up to the side of them. The windows in the limo are darkened beyond what is technically allowed by law, so it is impossible to take pictures of anything other than a darkened window. The paparazzi are undeterred.
They are going to a film premiere. The film is an action movie about four people who have alien DNA in their bodies which gives them special powers. One of them has eyes in the back of her head, and the ability to see for miles. Another has the power to melt anything he touches. The third has the strength of a thousand men, the fourth can harness the rays of the sun using lenses that grow in her fingernails. They each have premonitions that the aliens, whose DNA is in their bodies, are coming back to Earth to destroy it. They band together and engage the aliens in furious combat. They become great heroes, and the only defenders of life on Earth. At the end of the film, two of them die, but a fifth human/ alien is discovered who has the power of miraculous healing, and they are brought back to life (sequels, it’s all about the motherfucking sequels). One of Casey’s close friends plays the woman with lensed fingers, and Amberton has done two films with the husband/wife producing team that made the movie. Amberton and Casey are both decked out in designer clothes (which were given to them for free), and had stylists come to the house to do their hair and makeup. There is a bodyguard in the front seat, next to the driver, and the partition between them is up. Casey speaks.