by James Frey
It is illegal in Pasadena for a male boss to be alone in a room with a female secretary.
The world’s first video graveyard, where TV screens play videos of the people buried beneath them twenty-four hours a day, every day for eternity, is in Los Angeles.
There are more businesses in Los Angeles owned by women and minorities than in any other city in the United States.
Every year, at 8:00 PM on the second Saturday of July, hundreds of people gather along a section of Los Angeles rail track to drop their pants and moon passing passenger trains.
Every Halloween, 500,000 people, most of whom are dressed in costume, gather along Santa Monica Boulevard to watch the West Hollywood Halloween Costume Carnival, which primarily consists of floats filled with men dressed as women.
ARPAnet, the first use of linked computers on a single network, was invented by the United States Defense Department in Los Angeles and became operational on January 14, 1969. ARPAnet later became more commonly known by its civilian name, the Internet.
There are, on average, sixty sightings of Sasquatch in Los Angeles every year.
There are more swimming pools in Los Angeles than in any other city in the world.
The average citizen of Los Angeles owns 7.4 pairs of shoes.
Barbie was invented (or born) in Los Angeles in 1959. Her inventor (or mother) was a woman named Ruth Handler.
The average citizen of Los Angeles owns 8.3 bathing suits.
The average citizen of Los Angeles owns 6.4 pairs of underwear.
The hot fudge sundae was invented in 1906 by an ice cream parlor on Hollywood Blvd.
The average citizen of Los Angeles eats 127.2 pieces of licorice every year.
On average, there are 333 days of sun every year in Los Angeles.
At no point in world history has there been a greater number of individuals in a single city living in mental institutions and treatment centers than there are in Los Angeles in the twenty-first century.
In 1970, a Superior Court judge issues an order forcing the desegregation of Los Angeles schools. The judge survives an assassination attempt and loses his job in the next election.
A Friday and Dylan gets the afternoon off, he and Maddie go to the courthouse in Beverly Hills. There is another one closer but Maddie wants to go to Beverly Hills because she knows it’s where the stars go to get their marriage licenses and she thinks it’s funny and cool and exciting. They take a cab, go inside, stand in line, get the forms and fill them out, have them notarized. They turn them back in pay the fee $45 they get their license they have ninety days to have a ceremony, at which point they will be officially married.
After they get the license, they walk around Beverly Hills. They walk up and down perfectly manicured white streets lined with shops that sell bags for more than the average American makes every year, that sell diamonds for millions, that sell clothes for enough to feed small towns, they are streets designed to lure those with money and tempt those without there is no regard for those who have nothing, it’s the American way, the American way. They stop in front of windows. Dylan brought some money with him $150 to buy her a present he quickly realizes $150 won’t get her anything. Maddie is dazzled by the clothes she loves the fabrics the colors it’s the clothing she sees on television and in magazines and she’s too intimidated to go inside any of the stores, they just look through windows. They wander for an hour two Dylan wishes he had more money Maddie deserves what they’re looking at as much as any of the women they see walking in and out of the shops, women wearing more in jewelry than he’ll see in twenty years, women with fake faces fake bodies women complaining on their cell phones why, what do they have to complain about, is there really anything wrong. He holds Maddie’s hand. He’s embarrassed by the money in his pocket ashamed that there isn’t more. She’s excited about their marriage and Beverly Hills and seeing her happy makes him forget himself and the money or lack in his pocket and seeing her happy breaks his heart in a small way, each smile, each laugh, every time she looks at something and gets excited about it, happy, in a small way, it breaks.
She gets tired so they walk to a hotel there’s a line of cabs they get into one of them and start heading towards their apartment. Dylan tells the cabbie to stop at a mall near their place Maddie asks why he says if we’re going to get married you’re going to need a dress. She laughs, says we’re not having that kind of wedding, he says I love you and I want you to have something special. They pull up to the front get out of the cab Dylan pays the fare. Maddie smiles and takes Dylan’s hand and kisses him on the cheek and they walk into the mall. There are two department stores at either end, a couple hundred other stores in between, a food court, a parking garage, a grocery store in the basement. It is a nice mall, more upscale than down, its clientele the upper middle class of West Los Angeles and Santa Monica and Westwood. Dylan asks Maddie where she wants to start she smiles and says let’s just walk.
They walk, look through windows, occasionally Maddie goes into a clothing store picks something up runs her fingers along holds it in front of her body puts it back. Many of the clothes look similar to the clothes in Beverly Hills, there are slight differences in cut or pattern or material, huge differences in price. Maddie isn’t intimidated by the stores or people in them she speaks to the saleswomen smiles when they compliment her ask if Dylan is her fiancé she always puts her arms around him and says yes. After an hour maybe more she’s found two dresses one simple white linen the other light blue strapless one is in a department store the other in a chain. She tries them both on asks Dylan his opinion he doesn’t care, thinks she’s beautiful in both, they go to the food court and get sodas and she talks about each of them, why she likes them, why she doesn’t, about the stores both are national the department store more upscale, she decides on the white one because it’s a wedding dress, or something close to a wedding dress, simple white linen.
They go to the department store take the dress simple white linen off the rack. Dylan was scared to check the price while Maddie was looking at it she hands it to him and says thank you and kisses him and he carries it to the counter where a woman stands behind a register she smiles at him, speaks.
Hi.
He speaks.
Hi.
Did you find everything you need today?
Dylan looks at Maddie, speaks.
Yes. Thank you.
The woman takes the dress scans it. Dylan is scared to look at the total.
Woman speaks.
One hundred thirty dollars and forty-four cents.
Dylan smiles pulls out his money hands her one hundred and forty dollars she takes it gives him his change starts wrapping the dress. Maddie smiles and says thank you and kisses Dylan. Woman finishes with the dress, hands it to Maddie they walk out of the mall hand-in-hand Maddie smiling talking about how excited she is about the dress about how she made the right decision about how it will be perfect for their ceremony, however they decide to do it. They leave the mall stop at a fast-food chicken restaurant on their walk home buy a bucket and some baked beans and some macaroni ’n cheese and three portions of chocolate pudding, one for Dylan two for Maddie.
They get home Dylan puts the chicken on the table Maddie goes to their room. Dylan gets plates forks knives and napkins sets the table as best he can, as he sits down, Maddie comes out of the room. She’s wearing her new dress. Simple white linen to just below her knees. Thin straps over both shoulders. Cut low enough to show some cleavage, but leave more to the imagination. She walks to the table smiling and spins around Dylan laughs. She starts posing like the stars in magazines Dylan laughs she starts strutting around the apartment like a model on a catwalk Dylan laughs. She stops in front of him, speaks.
What do you think?
You’re beautiful.
It fits well, don’t you think.
Perfect.
You can’t even tell I’m pregnant.
Nope.
I’m happy we’ll be able to show o
ur baby pictures of our wedding day and I’ll be wearing a pretty dress.
Dylan smiles.
Yeah.
She smiles.
Thank you.
I’m happy we were able to get it.
She runs her hands down its front.
Except for my ring, I think it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever owned.
His heart breaks, just a little.
You’re beautiful in it.
She smiles again.
You said that already.
You are, you’re beautiful.
She sits down on his lap, kisses him, it’s a long deep kiss, one that neither wants to end they stand move into the bedroom still kissing hands moving she pulls away, smiles, speaks.
I don’t want to mess it up.
She carefully takes off the dress, hangs it up Dylan sits on the edge of the bed watches her she turns around walks towards him he stands meets her they kiss, hands, tongues, his clothes, her remaining clothes they fall onto the bed onto each other into each other they forget about dinner about moving about their child they forget and feel each other feel on and in, feel, again, again again.
They sleep when Dylan wakes it’s automatic now it’s still dark. He gets out of bed goes to the bathroom brushes his teeth, puts on his deodorant, splashes cold water on his face another day hauling fucking golf bags. He walks out of the bathroom Maddie is in bed asleep on her back covers at her waist slowly and steadily breathing. He stops and stares for a minute, two, just stares at her face a shadow across the top half of her body slight rise emerging breasts filling out at the line of her neck at her hands one falling off the side of the bed at her hair long and thick still cascades across a white pillow at her mouth open slightly trembling with every breath. He kneels next to her he’s scared to touch her or wake her he just wants to be near her and he whispers you are so beautiful and I love you and he kisses her cheek and his heart breaks, just a little it breaks. He leaves walks to the course. He gets a cup of coffee says hello to the other caddies one of them says Shaka wants to speak to him. He walks to Shaka’s office knocks on the door, which is half open. Shaka asks who is it Dylan says his name Shaka says come in. Dylan opens the door, steps in, Shaka motions for him to sit, speaks.
Morning.
Morning.
Feeling good today?
Yeah.
You get the license yesterday?
Yeah.
How’d it go?
It was pretty easy, pretty simple.
You ready to get married.
Dylan smiles.
Guess so.
Seriously, you ready to get married?
Yeah, I am. I’m excited about it.
I talked to my cousin. He’s free tonight. And my wife can come be a witness.
Really?
You said you were ready.
Yeah, I am.
Then it’s a go?
Where will we do it?
Here.
In your office?
On the course. Under a tree or some shit. Somewhere that looks nice.
Cool.
You got a suit at home?
No.
I didn’t think so, so I brought one for you. It’s my son’s old suit, he’s about your size. It’s hanging on the door behind you.
Thanks.
You got a camera?
Nope.
One of my daughters wants to be a photographer and said she’d take pictures for you.
Awesome. Thanks.
I used to think she was just crackpotting, but she showed me some of her pictures and they’re actually good, real good.
Awesome.
Maybe we’ll get a pizza or something after?
Aren’t I supposed to take my wife home to bed?
If you’re gonna do it right, you’re gonna need a meal beforehand.
Dylan laughs.
I guess so.
After your first round, you call your girl and make sure she can come. If she can I’ll make some calls and make sure everyone’s here.
What time?
Gets dark around 8:00. Last out will be around 5:00. If she doesn’t have any plans, have her here at 8:15.
I know for a fact we don’t have any plans.
You never know with a woman.
We don’t have any friends except each other. We never have plans.
Shaka laughs.
Well maybe your lady and my lady will get along and then your lady will have a friend and start making plans on your ass.
Dylan laughs.
I’d actually sort of like that.
Yeah, just you wait.
Thanks for everything. We don’t have any family out here, and the family we got at home is awful, and it’s really cool you’re helping us out.
You’re okay for a white boy. And you’re one of us now, a caddieing motherfucker, and we take care of our own.
Thank you.
Dylan stands, offers his hand, Shaka stands and takes it and they shake and Dylan looks like he might cry. Shaka pulls his hand, motions towards the door.
Get out there and make some money. Lord knows you’re gonna need it. Dylan laughs, leaves, gets in the caddie line, his first bag is a guy in dental school who spends most of the round talking about how much he hates public golf courses and how much he’s going to enjoy making enough money to join a private club. When the round is over $40 tip he goes to the pay phone and calls Maddie who is awake, eating the previous night’s chicken for breakfast. He asks her if she has any plans tonight she laughs he tells her he needs her to come to meet him at the course at 8:15 she asks why he says he has something fun for them to do she asks what and he says just come, and wear your new dress. She asks why and he says please just come and she giggles and says okay. He says I love you and she says I love you and they hang up.
His next bag is an actor the man, who is tall dark and handsome in his late twenties, gets upset when Dylan doesn’t recognize him and he asks Dylan if he lives in a fucking cave. Dylan asks what’s he been in and the man says one of the biggest soap operas in the history of television Dylan asks why he doesn’t belong to a private club the man says he does but sometimes he likes to play amongst real people. Dylan asks which club the man tells Dylan to stop asking questions and for the rest of the round the only time the man speaks to Dylan is when he hits a good shot and wants Dylan to tell him how good a shot it is. When the round is finished the man gives Dylan $10 says thanks gets in a Mercedes drives away.
It’s 4:00 Dylan starts to get a little nervous. His chance at another bag comes up he takes it, it’s a woman who works as a hairdresser and is learning to play golf because she thinks it might help her land a husband. She’s playing with a friend who is also a hairdresser it is the friend’s first time on a course, Dylan hopes they get frustrated and quit early. They score a nine and fourteen respectively on the first hole, a par four that is considered one of the easiest holes on the course. They score thirteen and seventeen on the second hole, a par five. They score ten and twelve on the third hole, a par three. They’re laughing at themselves, and having fun, but also know that they are keeping the golfers behind them waiting, so they decide to play one more hole, it’s a par four they score fifteen and seventeen, they decide to get some drinks and spend some time at the driving range. Dylan carries their bags to their cars, they tip him $50 because they know how it is to survive on tips they tell him they hope to see him again.
It’s 5:15 three hours or so until he gets married. He’s very nervous he wonders if he needs to get anything he goes to Shaka’s office knocks on the door. Shaka speaks.
Come in.
Dylan steps in, Shaka is at his desk, he’s reading a book on investing, he looks up, speaks.
Ready?
I don’t know.
What time is it?
A little after five.
And you don’t know if you’re ready?
I’m ready, like I’m ready to do it, but I don’t know if I’m ready like I h
ave everything.
You need your woman, an officiant, a couple witnesses, rings. You got those things, you’re ready.
No rings.
You don’t got no fucking rings?
Dylan laughs.
No.
Goddamn, I’m less impressed with white people every day. You and Asshole Dan ain’t got half a brain between you.
Dylan laughs again. Shaka stands up.
Come with me.
He walks out of the office, Dylan follows him they go to the parking lot get into Shaka’s car, a ten-year-old Japanese sedan kept in perfect condition they drive a mile or two they pull into a mini-mall park in front of a pawn shop. Shaka looks at Dylan, speaks.
Now, I’m gonna tell you some shit that could get me in trouble, so you gotta promise to keep a lid on it.
No problem.
I play golf now and then. When I was younger I was good. Occasionally I play for money. People always think they’re gonna beat me, but they rarely do. Because they think they’re gonna beat me, they bet more than they can afford to lose, and then they gotta give me shit to cover their bet, usually watches or jewelry or something like that. I bring the shit here and hawk it. I’m friends with the guy, he’ll be good to us. Shaka opens the door gets out of the car, Dylan follows they walk into the shop it’s filled with musical instruments, stereos, televisions, guns case after case of guns, jewelry case after case of jewelry. The owner, a middle-aged white man in a golf shirt, looks like a suburban banker. He says hello to Shaka they shake hands and chat while Dylan looks at the rings. After a minute or two the man comes over stands in front of Dylan, speaks.
You want new ones or used ones?
Aren’t they all used?
Nope. Got people come in all the time to sell rings before they actually get married.
Really?
Sometimes they’re broke, sometimes they change their minds before they go through with it, sometimes the rings are probably stolen, though I’m not allowed to know that.