Was there any hope for me?
I got out of bed and got into the shower, sighing as the hot water ran down my body, soothing the pain. I felt dirty all over. Grass, dirt, and the scent of my inner wolf clung to my body no matter how hard I scrubbed.
By the time I got out, Lucien was already up. He called me from the kitchen where he was sitting at the table drinking coffee. I pulled up a chair, declining his offer for breakfast, and tried to think of something to say.
“Have a good shower?” he asked.
“What?” I asked, snapping back to reality. “Oh, yeah. I did.”
“Aren’t you hungry? You know you’re eating for two now.”
The baby. With everything going on, I had almost forgotten about my pregnancy. My nausea had yet to hit, but I had absolutely no desire to eat anything. Still, I had to have something, so I settled on some of the toast Lucien had prepared for me, taking small nibbles until I managed to finish about half.
Lucien took the last sip of his coffee and looked pointedly at me. “Something wrong, Caleb? Are you getting sick again?”
I pushed the plate away. “To tell you the truth, Lucien… I’m not exactly sure how I’m feeling. I thought I was just tired from last night, but…” My voice trailed off. Should I talk to him about what I was feeling? Although he could not understand completely, I supposed he could still sympathize.
“Talk to me, Caleb,” he said.
“Last night, I... Well, I had a really nice time at first, but now… I’m feeling kind of weird about everything. So much had passed since I last let my wolf out, and it’s brought up a lot of feelings that I don’t know how to deal with.”
He tapped a finger on the countertop and made a pensive sound. “I can imagine it took a toll on you physically.”
“It did, but that’s not the hardest part,” I replied. “I can deal with the pain, but I can’t stop thinking about how much it felt like I lost control of myself. The man Caleb and the wolf Caleb… we’re not the same person, Lucien.”
“Tell me, how did you feel the moment when you let your wolf out?” he asked.
“I felt…free, I guess. I felt like every single emotion I’ve had bottled up was suddenly let out.”
“Did you feel happy?”
Had I? “I had certainly been excited to run around with you like we did. But now that high has worn off and it’s left me with--”
“Disgust?” he offered.
“Yeah.” My voice was quiet. “I think so.”
I think I expected Lucien to be offended. It probably would have been easier than what came next. He reached his hand over to touch mine. “You need to learn how to accept this part of yourself. You can’t make it go away, Caleb. It’s always gonna be there, and come every full moon, you’ll have no choice but to face it.”
I just shook my head.
“But what about the joy you felt when you shifted? Don’t you ever wanna experience that again?”
“I hadn’t felt that kind of rush in so many years, Luce--but what about these feelings that come after? This insecurity?” I asked.
Lucien rose from his chair and took his dishes to the sink. For a moment, I had to wait for his answer. He ended up washing every dish in the sink before he even looked at me again. Then, he came up to me and said sternly, “You’re feeling this way because you keep denying yourself. How are you ever going to figure yourself out if you won’t even face the truth of what you are, Caleb? You are a shifter. Embrace that. Be proud of it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I don’t… I don’t want to be a shifter, Lucien,” I said, my voice so low I could barely hear myself.
But he heard me loud and clear. His jaw tightened at my words, and he visibly tensed all over. “There’s nothing you can do to change that.”
I put my hands down on the table--harder than I meant to. “I know that! Don’t you think I know that, Lucien?”
“I just don’t understand you, Caleb. Why can’t you try to be happy like this?”
My body suddenly felt cold. I wrapped my arms around myself, but it did little good.
I felt ashamed. Ashamed of myself, of my feelings, of what I was.
“Please, let me help. This is worrying me. Think about our baby, Caleb.”
“Our baby?”
Frustrated, Lucien ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want our kid growing up feeling like you do. I don’t want him to feel like he’s a monster or like he has to be kept away from the rest of the world just for being who he is.”
That made something in me snap. I wasn’t angry…just overwhelmed. I could not handle all these feelings at once, especially not with someone who did not understand. “Look, I cannot talk about this right now,” I said as I got up before pushing the chair back in its place. I didn’t even look at him. I couldn’t. “I need to be alone and think, okay?”
“We need to deal with it soon,” he said, an edge to his voice.
This was too much. Entirely too much. Without another word, I left the kitchen and went out to my car. I drove a short way out of the pack lands and then parked, staying in my car until late afternoon, listening to the radio and checking my emails. I was tempted to call Sarein and ask how his outing with the mayor went, but then I thought about Sarein’s sad, haggard face and his empty home and I felt like crying.
Why did everything have to be so difficult? For once, why couldn’t my life have function without causing me so much pain?
The baby inside me was upset, too. I heaved, opening the car door so I could throw up alongside the road, but nothing came. Anxiety was twisting my stomach again, and the pregnancy hormones were making me lose my mind. I wanted to go back to Lucien’s and have him hold me close and tell me everything was going to be fine--but would they?
I wrapped my arms around my abdomen and wondered what our baby would be like. Would he be happy? Could I give him that much? Or would he inherit the chaos in my heart?
The sunset that evening did not bring me the awe it had yesterday with Lucien. Yesterday, it had been a glimpse into a future full of dazzling colors. Yesterday, I saw a life alongside the man I loved. Yesterday, the sunset was a window into my heart full of hope. Today, now, out here alone, it was just a sunset.
I feared nightfall when the moon would rise and my mind could betray me. I hurried back to Thunderstone and to Lucien’s house with a troubled mind. Without so much as a greeting, we passed by each other in the hallway. I fell asleep in the guest room that night.
12
Lucien
The empty space in bed drove me nuts. I turned and placed my arm where Caleb should have been, pulling at the messy sheets with my fingers. To say I was frustrated was an understatement; my mind was verging on madness with all this pent up desire. I needed him back.
I did not want to fight with him. I sucked in a deep breath and thought of something reassuring to say to Caleb as I got out to bed to go to him. Stress was bound to be unhealthy for him and the baby, and all I really wanted was to make him happy again. After all, a good alpha should know how to deal with these kinds of issues before they got out of hand.
“Caleb?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper as I knocked at the guest room door. “It’s me, Lucien. Are you up? I wanna talk.”
No answer. But I heard the springs of the pull-out couch squeaking as he tossed and turned, indicating that he was at least awake. I let myself in, not even bothering to switch on the light, and stood at the foot of the bed.
Caleb pulled the sheet down from over his face and looked at me, his light blue eyes wide. Seeing him like that--vulnerable--triggered something in the most feral part of my soul. I needed to dominate him, make him know he was mine and mine alone. He did not protest as I climbed over him, my arms at the sides of his head. His bottom lip quivered.
“Lucien,” he whispered, his voice raspy with desire.
The way he said my name drove me wild, like an omega to his alpha. I lowered myself and kissed him hard.
He wrapped his arms around me, trailing his fingers down the length of my back as me moaned my name between breaths.
I leaned back up and hooked my fingers on the waistline of his boxers, pulling them down and letting his cock free. It stood erect, evidence of his arousal, and I hoped it was because of what he wanted me to do to him. However, making love wasn’t what I had in mind, not yet anyway.
I met the engorged tip with my lips. Still flat on his back, Caleb’s pleading eyes met mine as I worked my tongue slowly up and down. I gripped the shaft with my right hand and pinned Caleb’s chest down with the other. He tried and failed to stifle a little moan as I took his silky length into my mouth, sucking hard.
Caleb threw his head back in anguished ecstasy.
I could have made this quick, but I wanted to draw out his pleasure, make it so he couldn’t think of anything else other than being with me. I wanted him to realize how much of a mistake he’d made sleeping in the guest room. He belonged in my bed.
Tightening my grip, I worked my hand up and down the shaft, careful to work Caleb into a frenzy. His toes curled and his legs tensed as he neared his climax--but before he could, I stopped.
I smirked at the sight of his surprised face, his pretty little mouth parted ever so slightly.
“Please,” he pleaded. “Please, Lucien.”
“Not yet,” I said, my voice a low growl.
I traced my finger over the soft curve of his stomach. He was barely starting to show, but there was no doubt that he was carrying my child. I was meant to love and protect them both--and that meant Caleb was meant to be my omega, and a good omega always did as his alpha said.
Slowly, I pressed my tongue to the tip of his cock, teasing him before I puckered my lips, almost like a sly kiss against the skin. I continued to stroke him with my tongue, tender, gentle, as I gradually moved to his stomach. All the while, I thought of how immense the release would be.
This was about us. It was my role as an alpha to make sure my omega was safe and happy, and he could only ever really be safe with me. I needed to convince him—no, command him—that his place was by my side, not pushing some bill to put shifters on a list; and to what end? Caleb was mine, and it was time I told him.
Caleb arched his back and let out a moan that left him gasping for breath.
“You're mine. Do you understand that?” I asked as I pulled away just in time again. I crawled over him as he looked into my eyes. “You, your body. You belong only to me. I am the alpha. You are my omega.”
Caleb’s face twisted into an expression of surprise that soon became shock. He sat up and pushed me off of him. “Is-is that what this is all about, Lucien? What the hell is the matter with you? Since when do you talk to me like that?”
“Since I claimed you,” I growled. “Since I made you mine.”
“Claimed me?” he asked, his voice rife with indignation. “You claimed me, Lucien? Don’t tell me you've started buying into all that ancient macho crap, too.”
Anger flared inside me. I would not care so much if he stuck to insulting me; that he was belittling the customs that our pack developed and kept alive over generations despite the rapidly changing outside world was an entirely different matter. I had been so forgiving, so understanding, but even I had my limits.
I climbed back off the bed. “No. I'll tell you what's crap, Caleb: all these silly little ideas you've come up with since you became this big city hot-shot. You think you’re above the rest of us all just because you've convinced yourself that you're different to these people. You think you're one of the good ones in a pack of rabid animals, but really you're nothing more than a damn lapdog--and once they don’t need you anymore, they'll throw you out on the street.”
“That is not true, Lucien,” he snapped, his hands curled into fists. “It just drives you so crazy to think that not all humans are out to get you. Well, guess what? Humans like me. They care about what I have to say. They don't give a damn if I'm soft or like reading books or whatever the hell it was that made me such a freak to you people.”
“What? What are you talking about? Nobody ever said anything like that you,” I replied, pulling further away from him.
“Nobody ever had to say anything to me, Lucien. I could just tell! You could see it on everyone’s faces whenever I went down to the ranch with you. They always thought I was a weakling.” His emotions were running high. I could tell by the way he grit his teeth as he spoke. “So why the hell would I ever want to stay in a place like this?”
I scoffed. “Christ, you’re paranoid.”
Caleb got up and leaned in close to my face. “And so what if I am? That doesn’t make a single thing I said wrong.”
My anger returned, duller this time, but still as pervasive. It felt like heartache, a pain I could do nothing to fix, so instead I raged against his stubbornness. I could feel my inner wolf dying to break free.
However, I suddenly realized it wasn’t Caleb I was angry with. I was angry with myself. Was it my fault this had all happened?
“I should have never let you leave this place. I should have made you realize this is place where you belong. Then you would have learned how to be a proper omega.” My voice was so tense I nearly sounded calm. “And none of this bullshit would be happening right now.”
Caleb crossed his arms before his chest. “You really think you could have just claimed me like an animal, huh? Well, I don’t know about you, Lucien, but I think more highly of myself than that. I am not a beast, and I refuse to act like one.”
It took everything I had not to snarl in his face. “You think humans can’t be beasts? I wasn’t gonna tell you about this. I thought it would have been too much for you but since you think we’re the monsters, let me tell you about the man that followed me into a truck stop restroom. Guess what he had with him, Caleb?”
He gave me a hard stare and said nothing.
“He had a gun on him. A gun with silver bullets.”
I could tell he tried to remain stoic, but the change in his eyes, a widening so subtle I almost missed it, betrayed his shock.
I went on. “And he shot at me, Caleb. Multiple times. I could have died in a truck stop restroom, killed by a human bigot.”
Caleb’s jaw tensed. His hands were fists again. Still, he remained silent.
By now I wasn’t even sure what it was I was feeling. Sure, I was angry. But I was also disappointed, frustrated, and so many other emotions that my heart couldn’t take it. “These are the people you think need protection from us? These are the people you’re willing to betray your family and pack for?”
“You’re being unfair,” he finally protested.
“And so what if I am?” I shot back, remembering what he said earlier. “I’ve been trying to put up with your self-hate, Caleb--and I’m tired of it. Goodnight.”
“Wait!” he cried.
He tried to follow me as I left the room, but I shut the door in his face and retreated back to my own room. I was done, exhausted by everything going on in my life. But I couldn’t relax.
I told myself not to cry. I could not remember the last time I had cried. Did I even remember how?
What the hell was wrong with me? And what was his problem?
Frustrated, I swept my blankets to the floor and let out a growl that sounded far more monstrous than any sound I had ever made in my wolf form. Despite my hardest efforts, the tears began to flow.
13
Caleb
My head throbbed. Sleep deprived and sore, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and sleep in, especially since I was sure that my stomach would soon start rebelling against me again, but I could not stay here any longer. Not only did I feel unwelcome, but I skipped out on way more work than I had intended when I got here. On the nightstand beside the pull-out bed, my phone was buzzing every minute with emails and calendar reminders.
Rubbing my eyes, I sorted through spam and messages that were lower in priority before I came across a worried text from Sarein: A
re you coming back soon?? The day of the vote is coming closer. You don’t want to miss it!
I scrolled down my inbox. He actually left several messages. Some of them were increasingly worrisome.
Caleb, you’ve been kind of quiet lately… you’re not angry with me are you? I hope you’re doing okay and aren’t getting into any trouble. Please, let me know how you are as soon as possible, okay?
Caleb!! Still nothing, huh? Well, I guess I understand. I just want to know what I did wrong!!
Hey, you’re staying near your old pack lands, aren’t you? Please be careful, Caleb… you know how shifters feel about us…
Do U hate me?? I think I hate me……………. Everyone hates me :(. i’m drunk sorry. I should not drink and txt… scotch and phones sure don’t mix lol!!!!
I furrowed my brows in concern as I read these. This was not something that I could continue to ignore any longer. Sarein had a problem, and who knew how serious it was? In the past, he always needed me to tell him it was okay to take breaks and make mistakes. I didn’t want to think about how he was holding up on his own. How could someone so accomplished and intelligent have such a poor grip on himself?
So, that was yet another reason to get out of Lucien’s house and leave Thunderstone behind for good. I had others who needed me, who actually wanted me around. It was a small comfort to know that at the very least, I still had someone to turn to among the humans.
Of course, to get there, I had to face Lucien. As soon as I stepped into the hallway. I could hear him moving around in the kitchen. I stepped back inside my room and packed up all my belongings, organizing everything carefully in an effort to kill some time. Eventually, however, I gathered up all the courage I had to confront my now likely ex.
He came out of the kitchen when I stepped out of my room. We both stopped in the hallway. Our eyes met. The beautiful, deep blue of his eyes were sullied by a rim of red around the inner edges of his eyelids, a sign that he too had suffered last night. There were bags under his eyes and his face was slightly puffy. Had he been crying? The thought of Lucien suffering so much--because of me--made me stop. I was starting to feel bad about some of the things I said last night--but then I remembered how mad he made me.
Loving Paws: A Wolf Shifter Mpreg Romance Page 8