Why is gratitude so powerful? To find out, I spoke with Sonja Lyubomirsky, a research psychologist, gratitude expert, and the bestselling author of The How of Happiness. Dr. Lyubomirsky told me that gratitude is powerful because it changes the way we think about our lives. When we focus on what we’re thankful for, it removes the need for more. Instead of wishing our lives were different, gratitude makes us feel content and lets us appreciate what’s already here. No matter how hard things are, every life—and every day—has things to appreciate. We can be grateful for the simplest things, like the strong roof over our heads or the blossoming tree outside the window.
Gratitude is also an incredible antidote to comparison. Comparison is a toxic habit that seems to be wired into every human brain. Once, I unconsciously compared my shoes to a classmate’s new pair, my phone to a friend’s new one, and my math-test grade with a peer’s—all in less than a minute.
We always end up feeling bad when we compare ourselves or what we have to others. Gratitude offers a way out of that trap. It trains our minds to focus on things for their own sake, rather than how they stack up against others. We can be grateful for the air we breathe, the food we eat, the people who help us—without comparing them to anything else.
The Gratitude Journal
I’ve always been, let’s just say, extremely tuned to other people’s emotions. When I was little, I would lie awake every night, often in tears. I would get caught up thinking about all the people I knew and all the problems they were going through. It left me sad and hopeless. So I tried an experiment: I started writing down what I was grateful for, every single night, right before bed. I fell asleep a lot faster.
My gratitude journal also boosted how I felt during the day. I began focusing on the beauty in everything and everyone. Peachy clouds in the evening. A teacher who helped me solve a problem. The morning breeze. The troubling things didn’t seem so dire. Because the journaling had such a dramatic effect on my perspective and mood, I’ve been doing it every night since!
There are many different ways to keep a gratitude journal. I encourage you to try out different ones to see what resonates with you. Here’s how to get started:
1. Get a journal and pen you love. This is important! I like writing in simple hardcover lined books. Some prefer a guided notebook, such as the Five-Minute Journal, which is more structured.
2. Write every morning or every night. Some people do it first thing in the morning because it gets their day off to a positive start. I write in my journal at night, right before turning off the light, because it gets me into a calm state before sleep. Or you can do both.
3. List at least three things you’re grateful for. It can be anything you appreciate—a backpack that carries all your books, the janitor at school or work who keeps the rooms clean, or your loved one for cooking a meal.
4. Bonus: Write down things you appreciate about yourself. It can be something you did that day or a trait you’re proud of, such as “I’m grateful that I’m such a loyal friend.” This conditions our minds to focus on our own inner beauty, and it will help us talk kindly to ourselves.
Start by writing in your journal every day for two weeks. See how you feel. Once you’ve gotten in the groove, it won’t seem like a chore. It may even become something you look forward to!
If journaling isn’t your jam, here are some other ways to express gratitude:
Write a thankful letter to a loved one. (You don’t have to send it.)
Keep a running list with you of things you feel thankful for. Add to it whenever you want.
Create a collage of images that make you smile.
Call up someone you haven’t seen in a while and express your appreciation for them. (This one is always amazing!)
Hear Her
As this book goes to press, we’re on lockdown with a pandemic and there are protests for justice all around the world. I asked a dozen females what they’re grateful for right now. Here’s what they said:
Not struggling for food or water.
An able body.
Having a place to call home.
The strength of my ancestors.
Poetry—it helps me put words to my feelings when I can’t seem to do it on my own.
My generation and how open we are.
My job.
My kitten.
Being Black, even with everything going on in the world.
Good books to lose myself in.
Q&A
Q: Some days are just really bad. How do I find things to be grateful for in those times?
A: You don’t have to limit your gratitude to “good” things. You can be grateful for a frustrating or even scary experience. Every lousy thing that happens has some benefit. It might teach us a valuable lesson, help us grow, or lead to an unexpected silver lining.
Once I wrote down that I was thankful for failing my driving test! Right after the test I was anything but grateful. I was frustrated and humiliated, especially after months of practicing and obsessing over the rules of the road. I cried for an hour. (Okay, more like two.) But by bedtime I had calmed down. I came to realize that it’s okay to fail, that life always goes on. I was grateful for my failed test teaching me that. Another unexpected bonus of failing my driving test was that I had the opportunity to practice driving a lot more. I got really good at left turns at a four-way stop. The second try was a breeze!
MINDFUL MOVEMENT
TREE POSE
Tree pose gives us a special moment to ground our bodies and minds. As we root down into the earth, we can take the opportunity to feel grateful for exactly where we are right now.
1. Find a flat, even surface for this pose. Stand on your right foot for a few seconds, then on your left, to see which side has better balance.
2. Let’s say your left foot has better balance, like mine. Place your weight on your left foot. Lift your right foot off the ground for a moment to get used to standing on one foot. It’s okay if you’re a little wobbly! To help steady yourself, bring your gaze to the ground a few feet ahead of you.
3. Focus on the wobble in your standing ankle. My teacher Sibyl taught me something fascinating about balance: 80 percent of our nerves of proprioception (our ability to know where we are in space) are in our ankles. So when you focus on the wobble there, you give yourself the best shot at noticing right away when you start to lose balance. The key is noticing as soon as possible when you’re going out of balance, so you can correct before it knocks you over!
4. Place your right foot on your left inner calf, right above the ankle. Maintain your gaze out in front of you. Stay here until you feel comfortable balancing.
5. Gently pick up your right foot and bring it to your left inner thigh. It’s totally normal to lose balance and fall out of the pose here. If so, just begin again.
6. Place your arms in whichever position helps you balance the best. You can bring your palms together at your heart, bend your elbows out at your side, or lift your arms up high.
7. Once you feel balanced here, you can play around with lifting your gaze upward, or even closing your eyes!
8. Gently place your foot down, then repeat the process on the other side.
Banana Nut Pancakes
I am grateful for cooking banana pancakes on slow weekend mornings, a tradition my dad started when I was little. When I make these, I feel calm and present. I want to share that moment of simple gratitude with you. So stay in your pajamas, grab some bananas, and let’s make some crunchy banana pancakes.
YIELD: 12 MEDIUM PANCAKES
Ingredients
1 cup mashed banana (from about 2 large bananas), plus one more banana for garnish
4 large eggs
¼ cup coconut oil, melted, plus more for greasing the pan
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp apple cider vinegar (optional, for more fluffiness)
½ cup blanched almond flour
¼ cup coconut flour
¼ cup arrowroot flour
1 tsp ground cinnamon
½ cup roughly chopped walnuts, plus more for garnish
Instructions
1. Bring a large griddle or pan to medium-low heat on the stove, to preheat. I like to use a large cast-iron griddle for best results. Lightly grease the pan with about 1 tablespoon coconut oil.
2. In a large bowl, whisk together the mashed banana, eggs, melted coconut oil, vanilla extract, and apple cider vinegar, if using. In a medium bowl, whisk together the almond flour, coconut flour, arrowroot flour, baking powder, and cinnamon. Whisk the dry ingredients into the wet and stir with a rubber spatula just until combined. Let the batter sit for 5 minutes, to thicken. Fold in the chopped walnuts.
3. Scoop the batter onto the preheated griddle using a ¼-cup measuring cup. Position the pancakes at least 2 inches apart from each other, because they will spread. Gently smooth out the batter using the back of a spoon.
4. Cook each pancake for approximately 2 minutes on each side, or until golden brown and cooked through. Flip them onto a plate and cook the rest of your batter. Note that the second and third batches of pancakes will cook much quicker than the first. Serve the pancakes hot with sliced banana and extra chopped walnuts. Store leftovers in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 1 week. Reheat on the stove.
Raw Blueberry Cheesecake
It helps to get clear about what we want and eat foods that make our bodies feel good. Luckily we don’t have to miss out on really yummy desserts like cheesecake. This one is made from ingredients such as pecans, cashews, coconut, and blueberries. Your eyes will love it, but so will your body!
YIELD: SERVES 8
Ingredients
CRUST
1½ cups roasted pecan pieces
2 Tbsp monk fruit maple-flavored syrup*
1 Tbsp coconut oil, melted
FILLING
2 cups raw cashews or cashew pieces, soaked overnight in 4 cups of water, then rinsed
1 cup freeze-dried blueberries
½ cup coconut cream, from the top of a chilled 13½-ounce can of full-fat coconut milk
2 Tbsp monk fruit maple-flavored syrup*
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
2 Tbsp coconut oil, melted
1 cup fresh blueberries
Instructions
CRUST
1. Line the bottom of a 6-inch springform cake pan with a circle of parchment paper and set aside.
2. In a high-speed blender, blend together the crust ingredients just until it forms a doughlike consistency. It might help to use your blender’s tamper, if you have one. Do not overblend or it will turn into pecan butter!
3. Press the pecan crust evenly into the bottom of the cake pan and place in the freezer while you prepare the filling.
FILLING
1. Without washing your blender, combine the filling ingredients (except for the fresh blueberries) and blend until completely smooth.
2. Pour the filling onto the frozen crust and top with the fresh blueberries. Place in the freezer for approximately 5 hours, or until it’s frozen through.
3. Using a butter knife, gently swipe around the inside of the pan to loosen the cake. Remove the cake from the springform pan. Slice and serve. Store any leftover cake in an airtight container in the freezer for up to 1 month. Thaw for 15 minutes before serving.
*If you’re not worried about this recipe being low sugar, you can replace the monk fruit syrup with pure maple syrup.
Chocolate-Dipped Coconut Macaroons
These cookies are crispy, nutty, and dunked in a luscious layer of dark chocolate. You’d never know it, but they’re healthy—they’re made with pure coconut, which is a great source of saturated fat. Saturated fat, much misunderstood, is actually good for our bodies. It helps keep our hearts, brains, bones, and immune systems strong. So when you dig into one of these cookies, you can thank it for fortifying you!
YIELD: 20–22 COOKIES
Ingredients
5 large eggs
3 cups unsweetened finely shredded coconut
⅓ cup classic monk fruit sweetener*
1 tsp vanilla extract
¾ tsp almond extract (omit for nut-free)
½ cup stevia-sweetened dark chocolate*
Instructions
1. Preheat your oven to 350°F and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.
2. Separate the egg yolks from the egg whites (you can find helpful video tutorials for this on the internet). We’re only using the egg whites for this recipe, so you can save the yolks for another day. Place the egg whites in the bowl of your stand mixer, or use a large bowl and a handheld mixer. Whip on high just until the egg whites become super fluffy and they form medium peaks when you flip the whisk over.
3. Using a rubber spatula, gently fold in the shredded coconut, monk fruit sweetener, vanilla extract, and almond extract.
4. Pack the dough into 20 to 22 balls using a 1½-tablespoon cookie scoop or heaping tablespoon, and place them on the cookie sheet. If all the balls don’t fit on 1 sheet, you can bake them in 2 batches. Bake the macaroons for 18 to 20 minutes, or until golden brown. Allow them to cool for at least 5 minutes.
5. Line a plate with parchment paper and set aside. Place the chocolate in a small heatproof bowl and microwave in 30-second intervals, stirring until smooth, or melt in a double boiler (“Double Boiler DIY”). Dip the bottom of each macaroon into the melted chocolate, then drizzle more melted chocolate on top. Place the macaroons on the plate.
6. Refrigerate the chocolate-dipped macaroons until the chocolate is set, about 10 minutes, then serve. Store leftovers in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 4 days.
*If you’re not worried about this recipe being sugar-free, replace the classic monk fruit sweetener with maple sugar and use regular dark chocolate.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to Stephanie Beatriz, Dr. Lisa Damour, Maris Degener, Nikeh Grey, Bethany Hamilton, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, Haley Lu Richardson, and Mikaila Ulmer for sharing your valuable time to speak with me and for your incredible advice. Thanks also to my wonderful friends Emma Porter and Morguinn Korbonski for your helpful feedback.
Jameela Jamil, thank you for being my role model and a badass human being. You and your ideas have changed my life.
Sibyl Buck, a million thanks for mentoring me; letting me pick your brain endlessly for the book; teaching me everything that’s in here about mindfulness, yoga, and meditation; and for your detailed feedback on the mindful movements.
To my editor, Diana Ventimiglia: You have honored my vision throughout this process. Thank you for believing in this unusual book concept and for taking a chance on me. Thanks also to the Sounds True team for bringing this book to fruition.
To my agent, Leigh Eisenman: Thank you for supporting me and this project since when I was a wee tenth grader. You’re truly committed to spreading positive messages to young women.
Sofia Szamosi, you are the world’s coolest cousin. Thank you for sharing your creativity through the astounding illustrations and detailed notes on the manuscript.
To my brother, Jackie: Thank you for always cheering me on, for your insightful feedback, and for shooting beautiful photos for the introduction.
To my dad, Adam: Thank you for patiently working with me throughout every step of the writing and editing process, round after round of priceless red ink (which I have grown to love). You also helped me bring all the pieces of this book together while somehow being simultaneously organized and thoughtful.
To my mom, Kelly: Your beautiful photography is what makes this book. It’s been such a privilege to work with you and witness your creative force. Oh, and thank you for teaching me almost every piece of advice that’s in here!
Notes
ABOUT THE RECIPES
9 Gary Taubes, The Case Against Sugar (New York: Alfred A Knopf, 2016).
9 David Perlmutter, Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, C
arbs, and Sugar—Your Brain’s Silent Killers (New York: Little Brown, 2013).
9 Bryan Walsh, “Ending the War on Fat,” Time, June 12, 2014, time.com/2863227/ending-the-war-on-fat.
9 Erin Brodwin, “A Professor of Medicine Explains Why Eating Fat Won’t Make You Fat—But Sugar Will,” Business Insider, November 19, 2017, businessinsider.com/eating-fat-wont-make-you-fat-gain-weight-says-doctor-2017-11.
CHAPTER 2: BE BOSSY
31 “Double-Edged Words,” Economist, February 13, 2016, economist.com/books-and-arts/2016/02/13/double-edged-words.
32 Kieran Snyder, “How to Get Ahead as a Woman in Tech: Interrupt Men,” Slate, July 23, 2014, slate.com/human-interest/2014/07/study-men-interrupt-women-more-in-tech-workplaces-but-high-ranking-women-learn-to-interrupt.html.
CHAPTER 5: BE UNSURE
70 Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (New York: Penguin, 2005).
CHAPTER 6: BE COZY
84–85 Matthew Walker, Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams (New York: Scribner, 2017).
CHAPTER 9: BE AFRAID
119 Adam Hadhazy, “Think Twice: How the Gut’s ‘Second Brain’ Influences Mood and Well-Being,” Scientific American, February 12, 2010, scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain.
CHAPTER 10: BE JOYFUL
132 Shoba Sreenivasan and Linda E. Weinberger, “Why Random Acts of Kindness Matter to Your Well-Being,” Psychology Today, November 16, 2017, psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201711/why-random-acts-kindness-matter-your-well-being.
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