by Alana Terry
Next thing Wu does is ask, “Now if you were a grasshopper, and you saw me out here hunting, would you know what I was doing?” And I said no, I figured I wouldn’t. So Wu said, “Now compared to God, you’re even smaller than a grasshopper, so is he going to make sense all the time?” And I said no, I figured he wouldn’t. And that’s all Crazy Wu said, which seemed a little strange to me ’cause really all he taught me was God was bigger than the Dear Leader and the sky too, but if that’s the case, wouldn’t it be easy for him to feed all us blossoms proper-like every day?
Now that I’m living at Pastor’s house, Miss Sandy’s always trying to get me to memorize Bible verses, and that’s hard to do, especially if you’re doing it in a language you weren’t born speaking. She says it’s impossible to grow as a Christian if you don’t study Scripture, but then I think about Auntie and her never having a Bible in her life, and I don’t get how Miss Sandy could believe stuff and nonsense like that. ’Cause Auntie was teaching us about God all the time, not just during certain times of the day like devotions and bedtime prayers neither. And when she prayed, you could tell she knowed the one she was talking to real well. So I figure maybe Miss Sandy doesn’t know quite as much about that sorta thing, and maybe that’s because she’s never met Auntie, but I sure wish she could on account of how much I miss Auntie now that I’ve moved all the way to Medford.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is Auntie knowed tons from the Bible even if she didn’t have one herself or have none of the parts memorized. Here’s what I mean. Have you ever heard of the verse that says, “The first shall be last, and the last shall be first”? It’s one of the famouser ones, far as I can tell. And Auntie never teached me that verse, but soon as I heard it in one of Pastor’s sermons, I knowed he was talking about her and the way she was always choosing the sickest and weakest of the flower swallows to become her little blossoms. And there’s another part where it says if you share a cup of water with a little kid, for example, it’s kinda like you’re sharing it with Jesus himself. And Miss Sandy taught me that one when I told her I didn’t want to keep going to that old-people’s home where they smell so funny, but she said Jesus would want a visitor, and if we go cheer up them old folks, it’s like we’re actually visiting Jesus. And that got me thinking about Auntie too, on account of the way she never stopped taking care of us blossoms, even when we was hungry, even when we was dying of cold. And that meant she was hungry and near dying of cold too, I finally figured, only she never complained.
Miss Sandy’s got this pretty piece of Scripture hanging up in the bathroom, and it’s called the Baditudes, which from the sound of it might make you think it’s about things you shouldn’t do, but instead it’s this sorta poem (the un-rhyming kind) about how to be blessed. And back in the old days, I probably woulda thunk blessed had to do with not being sick or having enough to eat or whatnot, but the Baditudes say things all backwards, like, “Blessed are the hungry.” And whenever I see them up there on that wall, I think of Auntie on account of her being the most blessed person I ever met, ’least if you’re talking about the kind of blessed the Bible uses.
Here’s what I mean. One of the Baditudes says, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God,” and Pastor explained that pure in heart means having less sin in you than most folks, and that was like Auntie on account of her being so good. I’m pretty sure she never sinned once when we was living together in that coal shed. And the part about her seeing God, well if you’d ever heard Auntie praying, you’d know what that means ’cause I think even if you started out as an unbeliever and you heard her pray and saw the way she talked to God like he was right there with her listening in on every word, well, you woulda left a believer even if you weren’t one before. And I don’t know if you’re a believer or not, Teacher, on account of me never seeing you at St. Margaret’s, but it’s a pretty big church so maybe you go there and I just don’t know it. Or maybe you go to one of them other churches around town, and that’s ok too as long as you go somewhere, and there’s more to it than that but you’d hafta ask Pastor for all the details.
Anyway, there’s another Baditude that says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” And if you was anything like me, you might think it’d be better not to mourn at all, except once I met Auntie it sorta made sense. Like a day or two after I got better from the sickness, a little blossom she’d been caring for died in her sleep, and Auntie cried so hard I knowed she musta loved her. And after she cried, Auntie had this look on her face I can’t really describe, but it reminds me of this painting I seen at the art museum when we went there on that field trip, and there was a picture of Mary looking so sad-like after Jesus died, but she was beautiful, too. Not really pretty, ’cause there’s a difference, but she was beautiful, and I realized it was her sadness that made her that way. It was the same with Auntie.
And once I asked Auntie about it ’cause she always cried if someone died, and sometimes she cried before they died on account her taking care of sick blossoms so much she could guess when it was coming. So I asked why she kept doing it, and wouldn’t it be better if she and Wu moved somewhere else where all they had to do was take care of each other for a change? But she said her life would be even sadder if she didn’t have a chance to tell people about Jesus, and who was better to tell than someone laying there just an hour or two away from meeting him face to face? And then she said she was sad on account of missing the blossoms that died, but she knew she’d see them again once they reached heaven, and that made sense. Besides, her version of heaven sounded loads better than the kind Grandmother talked about where it was just you and a bunch of dead ancestors and other stuff and nonsense like that, don’t you think?
CHAPTER 17
Spring came, and we were all happy for it on account of people saying the harvest would go better this year for a change, and that’s mostly what happened. It didn’t end the famine all at once like I first expected, but there was more food now and less people dying in their sleep and less of the sickness, too. And Crazy Wu had even more soup, so we got used to eating twice a day, and I started having energy again and wanting to play and do kid things like that.
Well, with all that extra soup, Crazy Wu was a little upset that none of the flower swallows at the station would take it, and I wondered if he knowed they all thought it had human parts in it and that’s why they didn’t. But I was able to do more by now on account of not suffering from hunger-weakness, and I volunteered to pass out soup when there was extra, so that’s what me and Wu did. And at first, only the youngest or newest flower swallows took any, but after a few weeks, so many people was lining up it could take us an hour to pass it all out. I didn’t mind the work, neither, ’cause even though I never got to being so good and pure and loving as Auntie, it made me feel important with all them kids waiting to see me. There was never enough soup to give everyone more than a few spoonfuls, so Crazy Wu told Auntie we should think of planting our own garden, and she liked the idea and said she’d pray for God to give us space for one.
So there was food, and it weren’t so cold no more, and Auntie was even happier than normal on account of us feeding all them flower swallows at the train station in addition to the blossoms she adopted into her family in the coal shed. Really it coulda been perfect, except it weren’t on account of what happened next.
By then, I’d forgotten all about that stupid mudang and her curse, and I didn’t think no more about the sickness neither on account of feeling so much better with my stomach filled twice a day. And all them promises Auntie made about God looking out for the sparrows and whatnot, it all felt like it was coming true. And I figure Granny was over at her place saying it was the Great Leader taking care of us like a father, but I didn’t really care where all them blessings were coming from long as I kept getting my breakfast and dinner each day.
Things started to turn bad again when Wu came in one night hanging his head and looking all embarrassed, and he said he needed
to talk to Auntie, so she asked me to tell the other blossoms a story. I did one Grandmother used to share with me about a boy who helps a bird with a broken wing, and the bird gives him a magical squash. And it was just the right kind of story for a night like that, with a little breeze so we didn’t feel stuffy, but it weren’t cold, neither, and all our bellies were mostly full.
When Auntie come in, though, I knowed right away something was wrong, and I glanced at Crazy Wu, only he didn’t look at me back. And I got this squeezing feeling in my stomach. That night, after the other blossoms went to sleep, I went over to Auntie and asked what was wrong on account of her still looking sad even though Crazy Wu’d left an hour or so earlier.
She said, “Wu’s brother has fallen and broke his leg. His wife asked Wu to help take care of him.” And it sounded like it should be good news ’cause Crazy Wu liked helping people near as much as Auntie, except it weren’t good news on account of what Auntie said next. “He’ll be moving to North Hwanghae.” She explained that was a whole new province, which meant him and me couldn’t take no more hunting trips together or go out passing soup around to the flower swallows at the train station. And that got me thinking on something even worst, so I asked, “Who’s gonna get us all our food?” and Auntie had that sad expression that made her look like Jesus’ mom at the museum, and she said, “The Lord will have to provide.”
I went to bed feeling so down I was starting to wish I’d never met Auntie. ’Cause if you go from real low like I’d been when I was just a nameless flower swallow to so happy with spring coming and the famine ending, and then it looks like you’re gonna go back to the old ways again, it’s usually worst than if you’d never had them good parts in the first place. And I was too old to cry, but Auntie knowed I was upset, so she said, “Try not to worry, Ginkgo.” She sat by me for a while, telling me stories about hard times she and the other blossoms before me had gone through and how things always worked out for them in the end. And she said this would be like one of those times, just wait and see, except I could tell she had a lot more faith than me.
Wu kept coming each day that week, and we kept passing out that soup, but it weren’t the same. And he was sorta shy to start with, and I didn’t want to be the one to ask him no questions, so I didn’t know if he was leaving today or tomorrow or maybe all the way as far as next month. I couldn’t say if he was happy to see his brother or sad to leave us blossoms or what. And he didn’t ever give me a proper good-bye, neither, which was sorta sad, but one evening after we past out the soup, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You’re turning into a fine little sir, Gingko, yes you are.” And I kinda knowed that was his way of telling me he was leaving, and I wish I’d given him a hug or told him something nice back, except I didn’t. When I think about what he said, well I figure that was Crazy Wu’s way of giving me a blessing of his own, only his kind didn’t sound like a prayer and didn’t leave my forehead all warm and zinging, but it was good of him to at least try.
I got back to our shed, and I expected Auntie to be serious like she got when one of the blossoms was about to die or there weren’t gonna be enough food for dinner, except she was smiley instead. And she told us, “Let’s say a special prayer tonight for Brother Wu. We’ll all miss his kindness and companionship, but let’s thank God for our friendship with him and ask the Lord for his blessing.” Then when we got that part out of the way, Auntie said Wu’d given us the house he used to live in since he wouldn’t need it no more. It had room for a garden and everything, and all us blossoms was so excited to hear that, we stayed up way too late talking about all the good foods we’d plant there. Finally, Auntie said we needed to get to sleep, and it was like she didn’t even know how hard it was for us to quiet down with news like that buzzing around in our heads.
The next day after breakfast, Auntie did something unexpected. She said she wanted to go look at Wu’s place to see how soon we could all move over there, so she asked me to be in charge of the other blossoms for the morning. I didn’t do a near as good job as her on account of me losing my temper a few times more than I shoulda, and then the blossoms seemed to know I wasn’t quite certain how to do things good as Auntie, so they did a lot of whining and fighting between them that they wouldn’t have tried if she was still there. When Auntie came home, I was so exhausted I went for a walk and ended up taking a nap next to the statue of the Dear Leader, and when I got back to the shed I thought she might be mad at me on account of being gone so long, except she weren’t. And that night after the others were asleep, I asked her what our new home would be like.
“It’s got three bedrooms,” she said, “so that means we could set up a special room as an infirmary,” and she went on to explain that an infirmary’s where you take people when they’re sick so they don’t spread their germs. I hadn’t gone to school as long as she had, so I didn’t know the name for germs, even though I knowed you shouldn’t get too close to someone with the sickness on account of you maybe catching it yourself. With that much space, Auntie said we could take care of fifteen blossoms at least and have a whole room for the boys and a whole separate one for the girls ’cause even while we was all living in the shed, Auntie was careful about that sorta thing, not wanting the boys and girls to sleep too close together or whatnot, and even the little ones had to do it proper-like.
So I asked who would be in charge of the boys’ room, and I was hoping she’d say me. And I think she knowed I was looking for that ’cause she got a real teasing kinda look and said, “Maybe I’ll ask Wu to come back and do it.”
So I said, “Maybe you’ll get married, and your husband can do it,” and she knowed I was teasing then too, on account of her always saying that she was too busy to go looking for a husband on top of taking care of me and the other blossoms.
I wanted her to tell me all about the house again and where the garden would be and what sorta plants we’d grow there, and finally I got to pestering so much she said if I was good and went to sleep, she’d take me and the other blossoms there in the morning, and we’d all go look together. So I lain down thinking about Auntie and the new home and the garden with all them good vegetables we’d grow. And I got to figuring I could stay in Chongjin with Auntie forever, helping her just like Crazy Wu had, and it made me think of being an even better person, someone Auntie’d be proud of. And that was probably one of the best sleeps I’d had in a long time, and it’s a good thing, too, ’cause I wasn’t going to be getting much more of that on account of what happened next.
CHAPTER 18
The sun was all bright and shiny when I woke up in the morning, and I knowed it was going to be a special day on account of the happy feel I got in my belly even before I remembered Auntie’s promise to take us to the new house to have a look. And the funny thing was I slept in so late ’cause Auntie almost always waked with the sun, and soon as we heard her the rest of us would be getting up, too.
So that little bit of my happiness lost its balance for a second, but then I thought maybe Auntie was outside or whatnot planning us a fun surprise, except she weren’t. She was laying in bed, and I tried to wake her up and give her a little bit of a hard time for sleeping in so late — in a teasing way, not in a mean one — but she opened her eyes and said, “I’m real tired, Ginkgo. Would you be willing to go out and find something for breakfast for you and the others?”
On a normal day, I woulda been real proud that she asked me to do a hard job like that, only this time I was kinda worried on account of Crazy Wu not being there and now Auntie acting all tired. And what was I supposed to do to feed everyone? Pretty soon the other blossoms was waking up and asking about eating, and I could tell all the noise was really bothering Auntie from the way she made her face into a little grimace, so I had to take all of them outside, and then they kept running to different places ’til I was sure I’d lose one or two and how disappointed would Auntie be in me then?
So we found a little bit of forage-food, which is hard on your stomach whe
n you’re used to cooked things again like Crazy Wu’s soups, but at least it was something. Any minute I expected Auntie to come out with her regular smile and tell me good job for feeding everyone, except she didn’t. And I kept them other blossoms outside with me long as I could ’til finally I figured I couldn’t watch them no more without forgetting my temper so bad Auntie’d never ask me to do a big job for her again, so we went back inside the coal shed. And I figured Auntie would be getting things ready for us to visit the new house, except she weren’t. She was still in bed. When I asked her why, she said, “I just have a little cold,” and that was the first time I realized someone as good and heavenly as Auntie could even get sick in the first place. And isn’t it funny in a sad kinda way that she nursed so many blossoms all winter long, lots of them having the sickness and her not getting even a little bit of it, but then once spring comes and we got a new home to go to with a garden and whatnot, she was feeling too low to take us there?
Well, those next weeks were ones I’d never want to live through again on account of it being so hard being the one to watch over them blossoms. And I didn’t hafta just watch them. I had to feed them and everything on account of Crazy Wu being gone. I even cried once or twice on account of me being so mad at him for leaving and mad at the kids for being so loud and even mad at Auntie for being sick and giving me such a big responsibility as that. At least it was spring, so we didn’t go back to famine-starving, but we was hungry all the time. It wasn’t ’til then I realized how hard it musta been for Auntie back in the famine days to share her food with us, since what I wanted to do more than anything was take all the things we found for myself. But I had to be the one to split it up and share it, and even though I was a growing boy, there was lots of other growing boys too, and they were littler than me which meant the hunger hurt their tummies even more. And I can’t swear on the Dear Leader I did it all fair-like all the time, but I tried real hard, and when I took a little more than I shoulda, I felt awful bad and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.