by Kelly Utt
My mind moves to the recent memory of Ali in January on the night of the break-in here in New York. I had to keep moving if I had any prayer of saving Ethan, but I saw my wife immobilized with sheer terror. She was huddled in a near-fetal position on the floor at the top of the stairs. She was shaking, trying to catch her breath, and holding onto her pregnant belly with little Will still inside. She looked at me, pleading with her eyes to do something. I saw the depth of the terror she was overcome with. She was facing a primal fear shared by all mothers, and hers was an imminent reality. Worse, that fear had materialized into a tragedy of the worst kind once before. A part of my wife must remember our ancient life, and the great losses we experienced. Thank God that Lady, Roddy, and I were able to get to Ethan this time before the intruder got away with him. And thank God for the dream where Dad told me to wake up and be ready. And the scream that no one else heard. If things hadn’t happened exactly as they did, Ethan would have been taken and hurt. And killed, just like he was in Greece. It pains me to think about it, even though I know the reality. I want to push it out of my mind and never think about it again. I’m torn between the desire to get to the bottom of what happened in Greece and to pretend none of it ever did. I know I have to find out. But I’m terrified, same as my wife. Just like in Greece, I’m a soldier. I began training when I was young. I’d give my life now to protect my loved ones and our way of life. I’d be proud to. But it’s complicated.
What am I going to do? How can I keep them safe?
Back in the Greece memory again, I feel my blood beginning to boil as anger courses through me. My thoughts turn from the threats my wife and son will face to the people who are responsible for this impossible situation. I don’t think a question, exactly, but my anger seems to have prompted another wave of knowing. In a flash, I remember that a council of leaders convened to vote on Ali and Ethan’s fate. I can see the group in my mind. An older man and a woman are in charge. I can see their silver hair and fine clothing. They enjoy positions of favor and high status. They have little sympathy for those who don’t live by their rules and they’re offended that Ali and I broke them by becoming pregnant. I can’t make out their faces, but I get the idea that I know them well. It’s all fuzzy.
I see others convened along with the prominent two. Six or eight total decision makers are in attendance. I’m watching from what seems like a public viewing area. No one is asking me what I think or want. The proceedings go on without regard to the implications for my life. I’m a commoner. They don’t think my opinion matters, which makes me very angry. I didn’t do anything wrong other than fall in love with the wrong woman. But that woman and I belong together. We love each other truly and deeply. My social status shouldn’t matter. I feel the muscles in my Greek body tense and ball up as I watch the proceedings. I want to rage like a mad man, tossing the feeble leaders around like the bags of hot air they are. I want to, but I don’t. I’ve been taught to obey orders. My code of honor won’t allow me to disrupt the established order of things. I begin to feel an overwhelming sadness at my inability to do anything about what happened.
I’ve had enough for now. I consciously disengage, exhausted from the enormity of it all. I float up and above the scenes, watching both the public proceedings and our ride out of the city simultaneously become smaller. Ancient Greece grows more and more distant as I settle firmly into my current life and body here in New York.
I feel the sensation of dampness on my face and realize tears have been flowing. I wasn’t aware of the wetness when it was coming out. It feels similar to the way it did after hypnotherapy at Dr. Epstein’s office. It’s like the emotion has always been inside of me and as the memories are experienced, the tap flows. It’s a physical mechanism. I don’t think that part can be avoided. Ethan is still leaning hard on my shoulder. He’s awake but in a contemplative state of stillness. His silky hair is wet from my tears. I glance from side to side at Liam and Roddy. They’re still leaning against me and almost holding me upright, but neither of them looks back to meet my gaze. They’re here for me no matter what I’m going through, and it means so much. They don’t even ask questions. I want to share my memories with them soon. Maybe this trip will provide that opportunity.
Ali finishes her performance with a long, quivering low note and opens her eyes to see us gathered around. I don’t think she was consciously aware of us until this very moment.
She tilts her chin down, a little embarrassed by the audience. Leo begins to clap, then the rest of us join him in a round of enthusiastic applause. We move in to embrace Ali together, resulting in the most loving group hug. Happy smiles and sounds of mutual admiration fill the room and my heart.
People often talk about heaven on earth. I’m convinced that this is it. Right here and now, with my irreplaceable family. This is the closest to heaven we could possibly get. I want us to stay like this forever.
Part II
A Proper Adventure
5
Attention
It’s still dark when we wake up for our early flight. Everything is ready to go, so we just have to take quick showers and hit the road. Breakfast is already packed.
Mom is planning to check on our house while we’re away, which affords us the convenience of not having to worry too much about how we leave things. Besides, Liam, Roddy, and I are good at running through systems and checks to ensure we aren’t missing anything. We have our to-do lists and divided responsibilities.
I’m confident the place is buttoned up and ready for our absence. The alarm system will be armed and monitored per Taye’s instructions.
Little Will is in bed between Ali and me. He spent the night with us like usual. Roddy and Marjorie offered to keep him upstairs with them, but Ali wanted to be sure Will felt comfortable enough to sleep soundly overnight. That was probably a good call.
We don’t want a fussy baby on our hands while traveling across the country. It will be challenging enough for Will to deal with the air pressure changes and the resulting pain in his ears on the plane. Breastfeeding should help him dislodge any air bubbles, but being rested will help him handle the new experiences and discomforts with greater ease. I’ll admit, I’m a little nervous about how it will go with three kids under age five on an airplane with so many other people. Ethan and Leo have always been good travelers though. For now, we’ll assume our littlest boy will be the same.
I stand up out of bed within a couple of minutes after I open my eyes. I’m excited about the trip and want to get moving. I set my audio player to Good Life by OneRepublic and take my turn in the shower first since I know I can be fast. It’s warm outside and I can feel it even though we have air conditioning running indoors.
As the cool shower water pours over me, I think about how refreshing it will be to swim in Lake Tahoe. We’ll be at the vacation rental house by dinner time tonight. If I can get away from the hubbub of getting the boys situated in the new place, I think I’ll hop into the lake for a quick dip before I go to sleep. Maybe some of the others will join me. I’m sure I can count on Liam. Sitting on the dock and drinking is kind of our thing. We’ve done it many times at his house on the Potomac in D.C. Some of my very best memories are of sitting on that dock with my uncle and talking about the meaning of life while we looked up at the stars. It was my regular hangout spot before I met Ali.
When I’m finished in the bathroom, I take Will from his mom and we head upstairs to get him washed up and dressed for the trip. Ali picked out a cute outfit for the little guy last night and left it on top of his dresser to make things easy for me. It’s a two piece with short, yellow cotton overalls featuring a tiny blue fish on the front and a white shirt underneath.
Will looks adorable in everything he wears. Fellow travelers will no doubt stop to ooh and ahh over our sweet guys at the airport. I don’t mind the attention. They’re great boys. I’m super proud of them. They’ll probably enjoy the attention.
“Here we go, little Will,” I say to my youngest
son as I change his diaper and clean him up. “Let’s get you all nice and clean. We’re going on a big trip today and you’ll want to look your best.”
Will smiles and babbles in response. Babies are always so happy in the morning. Too bad we can’t all share their enthusiasm for each new day. The world would be a better place if we somehow could.
I’m buttoning the little yellow overalls when I hear a scream from the next room.
It’s Ethan. I recognize his voice immediately.
My heart sinks to the floor before I have time to respond intellectually and reason my way into calming down. It’s all too fresh. My rational mind knows this scream is most likely nothing to be too concerned about. Maybe my son saw a spider. Maybe he had a bad dream. But my body remembers the time when it was more.
During the ordeal in January, the bursts of energy required to propel myself forward in enough time to rescue my son were tremendous. Every movement I made that night is forever seared into my body memory. Heaving myself up the stairs as fast as I could while filled with complete and utter terror was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I’m not sure my body will ever forget what happened just six short months ago.
Beads of sweat begin to form on my brow. I place Will down gently in his portable crib. He doesn’t sleep in here, but we use it when we need him safe and secure for a few minutes. A part of me is hesitant to leave him here alone right now. What if there is a real danger and I’ve left my infant son alone and unattended? But I have to go to Ethan.
I kiss my hand and motion to Will as a gesture of my affection, then I raise one finger in front of my lips to signal him to stay quiet. I walk quickly out into the hall, closing the door to Will’s room behind me.
“Ethan, son?” I call out.
No answer.
Ethan and Leo’s bedroom door is closed. It’s the same bedroom they were in when the intruder broke through the window and took Ethan out.
For a while, Ethan and Leo slept downstairs near us. We considered moving them to a new room permanently, but ultimately decided we should reclaim the scene of the crime as a positive space in our home. The boys have been back in the old bedroom for a couple of months now.
“Ethan?” I try again as I rush towards the door.
Roddy hears me and comes out into the hall, just like he did on that awful night in January. A feeling of deja-vu settles over me. Here we are in the same positions, with the same concerns. We’re going through the exact same motions.
I’m closest to the door and will take lead on the breach if it needs to happen again. Roddy is right behind me, ready to do his part to assist. The only comfort I have right now is that we saved Ethan once before and so can hopefully do it once again if that’s what we’re facing. Except, Lady isn’t here this time. She can’t assist us from Jen and Duke’s house. That thought sends a wave of panic through me.
What are we going to do?
The moment I place my hand on the door handle, I feel it turn from the inside. The door opens slowly. It’s dark in the room, but I quickly make out my son’s silhouette against the blackness.
“Ethan!” I say as I kneel and pull him towards me for a hug.
Roddy and I look at each other in relief as I embrace my child. I don’t remember having taken a breath in the last few minutes. My nerves can’t take much of this.
“Daddy?” he begins.
“Yes?” I ask. “What is it? Are you alright?”
“I had a bad dream,” he replies, leaning his little head down hard on my shoulder. It’s the same pose we were in last night while listening to Ali play the cello.
Roddy steps around us and into the bedroom to check on Leo while Ethan and I talk.
“Oh, no,” I say in my best calming dad voice. “Bad dreams aren’t any fun. What was the dream about?”
“It was scary, Daddy,” Ethan says. “Very, very scary.”
“You’re safe now, buddy. You can tell me. Nothing can hurt you now.”
Roddy walks back out of the bedroom and motions his head towards Lio while winking to let me know all is well. I look at my father-in-law as I reassure Ethan, and I wonder if he can see the desperation in my eyes.
I want everything I’m saying about Ethan being safe to be true. But I can’t help but wonder if it really is. I don’t know how hard the pillagers tried to kidnap Ethan in Ancient Greece or how many times they attempted to abduct him before they were successful. And I don’t know if the getaway driver from the January attempt will try again in the here and now. It’s a terribly frightening thought which haunts me.
“I was calling for you, Daddy,” Ethan says.
His voice is a whimper. He’s near tears.
“I heard you scream and came right away,” I say.
“In the dream,” he clarifies. “I was calling for you in the dream.”
“Oh?” I ask. “Where was I?”
“You were looking for Mommy,” my son says.
A charge spikes through me as I remember my own dream and in an instant, I’m covered in goosebumps from head to toe. Marjorie and Ali need to hear this.
“Can you tell me more?” I ask, swallowing hard and trying to maintain my composure.
Roddy sees the change in my demeanor and tilts his head to one side as he listens closely.
“We were in a forest,” Ethan says.
“Okay,” I reply.
“Near a small road,” he adds.
My God, this is the same dream I had the night before last. I wonder what in the world is happening.
“And you were calling for me?” I ask, doing my best to sound normal.
“Yes,” Ethan says. “I could tell you were looking for Mommy in the woods. You were calling her name. I was scared. I was calling for you and you didn’t hear me.”
With that, he bursts into full-blown tears and hugs my neck tightly with his little arms.
I remember what sounds like the exact same setting in my dream. And I could hear Ethan calling me from somewhere in the distance. We had the very same dream from different perspectives, one night apart.
I wonder if I should tell him the whole story. I want to validate my son’s experience, yet I don’t want to alarm him. After all, these are just dreams we’re talking about. I hope they’re just dreams anyway. I wonder why I’d be looking for Ali in the woods. The thought sends a chill down my spine, almost as if my body knows more than my mind. I certainly hope that situation doesn’t come to pass. I shudder to think about it, even for a minute.
I again glance at Roddy and open my eyes wide to signal that I have something to share with him. I decide to reassure Ethan and try to bolster his confidence back up to near-normal levels. Once that’s done, I can tell the others about this uncanny coincidence. Marjorie will help me make sense of it.
“You’re safe, son,” I say as I pat Ethan’s back. “You’re here with me, Mommy, Papa Roddy, Mama Marjorie, and Uncle Liam. That’s five different grownups to watch over you and keep you safe.”
“No, Daddy,” he clarifies. “I think Mommy was the one you were worried about. You couldn’t find her.”
Upon hearing this, my eyes fill with tears and I become too upset to speak. Roddy steps in.
“Come over here to your Papa Roddy,” he says as he reaches for Ethan and invites him into his arms.
Ethan gives my neck another squeeze, then pats me gently on both cheeks before climbing into his Papa Roddy’s big, warm embrace.
“It was scary,” Ethan says again, to Roddy this time.
“It sounds like it,” Roddy confirms. “But it was only a dream. Your mommy is safe and sound downstairs. She’s getting dressed right now so we can all go to the airport for our trip to Lake Tahoe. We’re flying on an airplane today, remember?”
“Yeah,” Ethan replies, sounding stronger. “In the air above the clouds.”
“That’s right,” Roddy says. “High above the clouds. Did you pack your kids’ camera so you can take pictures?”
“
Yes,” our little guy answers. “It’s in my backpack with my toys and books.”
“How about you sit by me on the airplane today and we’ll take pictures together?” Roddy asks his grandson.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Ethan cheers, lifting his elbows and flapping his arms each time.
“Alright!” Roddy cheers back, pumping his fist in the air. “So, how about we shake the scariness of that bad dream right off so we can be excited about our trip?”
“Okay,” Ethan replies as he begins to hop around the hallway, shaking his arms and legs wildly.
“Good boy,” Roddy confirms. “Shake all the scariness out. You’re doing it.”
Ethan shakes until he’s content, then prances off to the bathroom to get ready. Ali already has his clothes laid out for him just like she did for little Will.
Once that’s settled, Roddy comes back to tend to me. I’ve fallen backward and am sitting on the floor of the hallway, propped up against a wall.
“I’ve got you, George,” my father-in-law says as he extends a hand and helps me up. “We’re okay.”
“I… that… it startled me,” I begin. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“I know you weren’t,” Roddy says. “None of us want to see Ethan frightened. He’s been through a lot.”
“You don’t understand,” I say. “I need to tell Marjorie and Ali.”
“Okay,” Roddy answers slowly, looking at me curiously. “What am I missing?”
I shake my head from side to side, hoping to shake off some of my fear just like Ethan did. It feels like more than I can handle. I motion for Roddy to lean in closer. I want to whisper it to him so no one else hears. He tilts his head towards mine and lets me know to go ahead.