by Kelly Utt
“Where’s Dr. Epstein? I mean… Joe?” I ask.
Mom smiles. She can’t seem to help herself. She likes the guy.
“He’s here. Out in the waiting room. He didn’t want to intrude.”
“Bring him in whenever you like,” I say. “If he’s with you, then he’s family. He’s welcome with me and my sons anytime.”
A lump catches in my throat as the words come out. Mom tears up and gives my forearm a squeeze.
It’s completely dark outside now. I don’t know what time it is, but it must be late. I can see the reflection of a single streetlight out the window of my hospital room. It reminds me of the streetlight near our house in Ithaca that casts a shadow onto the road. I’ll never forget the first night in our new house before we had blinds or curtains hung in the bedroom. Ali and I gazed out at the beautiful snowy scene and that single streetlight while we made love for the first time in our new bedroom.
Liam begins to stir, then springs upright in his chair, ready for action.
“Relax,” I say to my uncle. “I’m alright.”
He smiles a little, then pats me on my other arm, just above my IV.
Before we can say anything else, Dr. Adams walks in to check on me. She’s by herself this time. The intern must have gone home.
“Welcome back,” she says as she places her clipboard under one arm and rubs sanitizer on her hands vigorously.
“I’m ready to see my sons,” I say.
“Let’s examine you first, then we’ll take you to them,” she replies. “I hear you passed out twice today. Is that correct?”
“If it’s before midnight, I guess so. I’ve lost track of time,” I answer.
Liam glances down at his smartwatch. “Yes, that’s right,” he confirms for the doctor.
“Was it just passing out? Nothing more serious?” Mom asks.
“Looks that way,” Dr. Adams replies. “It’s not uncommon for someone under the kind of extreme stress and emotional trauma George has experienced.”
“Ali?” I ask simply.
“No news yet,” the Paulette Adams replies. “Crews are scouring the woods near where your boys and your grandmother were found. I expect to receive word of recovery by daybreak. I’m terribly sorry, Dr. Hartmann.”
I frown and push my lips forward without being able to help it, but I stop short of breaking into tears. I need to be strong for my boys.
Dr. Adams excuses herself past Mom and steps close by the side of my bed, then proceeds to conduct a quick exam which includes asking me questions about what year it is and making me follow her moving finger with my eyes. When everything checks out, she tells me she’ll call patient transport who will take me to see the boys up on the pediatric floor. She assures me they’re shaken up, but are resting comfortably with Marjorie and Roddy.
The minute a wheelchair arrives, I eagerly push myself up and out of bed even though I’m weak. The young, Asian patient transport guy who brought the chair places his hands on the handles and begins to wheel me around when Liam stops him.
“I’ll do it,” Liam says.
“No need, sir,” the transport employee replies. “It’s my job.”
“Yeah, well it’s my guy,” Liam says sternly. “I’ve got him.”
I guess the young man decides he can’t say no to that, because he raises both hands in the air and steps back to let Liam take over. I tuck my gown into one hand on the side, then sit down in the wheelchair and put my feet up. I don’t like being weak and vulnerable like this. But it isn’t my biggest concern right now.
Mom trails closely behind with the IV pole as Liam pushes me out of my room and down the hall. Joe sees us as we pass the waiting room and I motion for him to follow. I meant what I said. If he’s with Mom, then he’s welcome with me and the boys. We need all the support we can get. Our extended family could use another member.
The four of us walk and roll slowly to the elevators in the center of the building. Liam pushes the up button to call the elevator, then he pushes the number four for the pediatric floor. A smile spreads across my face as I think about seeing my boys again after all they’ve been through. I honestly didn’t know if they were going to make it. I didn’t know if I was going to get the chance to hold them in my arms again or to hear their sweet voices calling my name.
When we arrive on the fourth floor, Liam wheels me over to the nurse’s station. I suppose the patient transport man would have known exactly which room to go to, but I appreciate Liam being protective of me. He asks an older Hispanic lady behind the counter which room the Hartmann boys are in and tells her that their dad is finally here to see them. Her wrinkled skin lights up as she bursts into one of the biggest smiles I think I’ve ever seen. I’m glad to know the people taking care of my boys are moved by their story and happy to see us reunited.
I understand why the media is interested. We all like to see happy endings. Even when we don’t get everything we want, we owe it to each other to be grateful for the things that do work out in our favor.
My anticipation builds as we near the boys’ room. Happy tears come to my eyes as Mom opens the door in front of me and Liam wheels me inside. I see them! My sweet, sweet boys are there. Ethan appears to be okay because he leaps down from the chair where he’s been sitting with Roddy, rushes up to me, and jumps up on my lap.
“Daddy!” he exclaims.
My boy hugs my neck tightly as I wrap both of my arms around him in return. I am beyond happy to feel him in my arms again. My precious boy.
“We were in the woods. It was just like my dream. I heard you calling for Mommy! I tried to call for you, but you didn’t hear me. Then Mama Marjorie took us for a walk to find you. We found some other people instead and an ambulance brought us here.”
“I know, son. You did a good job. Let me look at you,” I say as I hold Ethan out at arm’s length.
He has a number of bandages which appear to be covering minor scratches, as well as a brace on one of his little elbows. But otherwise, he looks alright. His color is good. His energy level seems close to normal. I’m so happy to see him. I’m so happy he made it through this without any serious injuries. He’s been through so much with the break-in and now the accident. And now he has to face a future without his mom. It’s too much for a kid his age. Yet, he seems resilient. I’m so proud of him. I hope I’m strong enough to be what he needs.
I shift my gaze to Marjorie, who is bruised and haggard, sitting in a recliner and rocking little Will as he leans against her shoulder. He’s wearing a hospital gown and has wires attached underneath. Leo is sleeping nearby in a hospital bed in the center of the room. He, too, is in a gown and has wires attached to his skin.
Tears rush to my eyes again as I see that my little boys are hurt. It’s one thing to hear that there were injuries, but it’s quite another to see your loved ones in the flesh, wearing gowns and hooked up to wires. It pains me deeply. I motion for Liam to push me towards them.
Roddy stands up from where he’s sitting to help me get to Leo and little Will. My father-in-law’s face looks puffy and red. He’s been crying. I can only imagine what he’s going through right now. They say the loss of a child is the hardest thing to endure because you expect your children to outlive you. I’m in agony over losing my wife. I pray I never have to know the pain of losing one of my children.
I scoot as far as I can with my wheelchair in between Leo’s bed and the recliner where Marjorie and my baby boy are sitting. I reach one hand out and place it on sweet Leo’s chest, feeling him breathe, while I touch the back of Will’s head with the other hand. A gasping sound comes out of me unexpectedly. I feel both relief and sorrow at the same time, wound in a tight ball inside of me.
My heart hurts for these boys. At least Ethan is old enough to remember his mom for the rest of his life. I’m not sure Leo and Will will be so lucky.
I work to collect myself, but begin to come apart again when I notice an open can of infant formula sitting on the side table ne
arby. Ali was still breastfeeding Will. He was just beginning to eat solid foods but relied on breast milk for the bulk of his caloric needs. Not to mention his emotional needs. He’s closely bonded to Ali, just like Leo and Ethan were before him. Little Will must ache for his mother’s breast and for the nourishment and comfort of her warm milk in his belly. Marjorie sees me looking at the can and lets out an audible sob.
“George,” she says in a whisper. “I’m so sorry. We were stuck and our cell phones didn’t have reception. The horn on the van was apparently damaged in the crash and it didn’t work either. We waited for a long time hoping someone would find us. I did everything I could to save my daughter. She made me leave her so that I could save the boys.”
I shake my head up and down while holding back the emotion as best as I can. I’m not upset with Marjorie. I know how completely dedicated she is to her kids. And I know how dedicated she is to her grandkids. She would go to the ends of the Earth for each and every one of them.
It must have been an impossible choice to leave Ali, even though it was the right one, given the circumstances. Marjorie had to do it. I can imagine Ali, stuck and suffering, but thinking of our boys first. When you’re a parent, it’s what you do. The kids come first. I admire Ali for insisting on it. And I admire Marjorie for carrying out her wishes. Ali and Marjorie are heroes. Both of them. I’m incredibly proud.
“It’s alright, Marjorie,” I say. “You can tell me the details of the story another time. You did the right thing.” Then, after a quiet moment, “Thank you for bringing my boys back to me.”
Marjorie sits up and leans her forehead against mine. Then she pulls back and looks me square in the eye. From this closer vantage point, I can see that her eyes are bloodshot and her face is all banged up. She’s really been through it.
“Roddy and I are going to be here for the four of you,” she says. “You won’t have to do this alone. We’re in Ithaca now. We’ll move in right away. With you, if you want. Wherever you want. We’ll figure it out.”
“I know,” I say. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ll be okay. We have to.”
Mom shoots me a sympathetic look from the other side of the room that says she’s here, too. Joe is at the very back corner of the room, trying not to get in the way. He hasn’t even met the boys or Marjorie before, so this is a lot at once. He looks like he’s about to cry, too. I smile and nod at both of them. We’ll be okay. Because we have to. The boys need us to be.
“Have you told them yet?” I ask Marjorie.
Her face tightens up into a knot, then loosens enough for her to speak.
“No,” she says. “I thought… You’re their dad…”
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s wait until morning when everyone has had some rest, then I’ll do it.”
Marjorie nods. Roddy places one hand on his forehead so that it covers his eyes. My in-laws are both hurting.
“What’s happening with Leo medically?” I ask. “And little Will?”
I want to know what I’m dealing with. I need to start thinking about logistics, like how long we’ll be here in the hospital and when we can get home to Ithaca. I suppose I’ll also have to make arrangements to have Ali brought home. And I’ll have to plan a memorial service. I tell myself to focus on the boys first and foremost. Ali would want that. I’ll take the rest one step at a time.
“Little John William is dehydrated but otherwise fine,” Marjorie says. “He’ll be cleared for release in the morning. His car seat was in the middle of the back seat and rear facing. He was completely protected from the impact as if in a little cocoon of safety.”
“Oh, good,” I say. “That’s a relief.”
“Leo is the wild card right now,” she continues. “He’ll recover, but he sustained injuries in the crash. He was sitting right behind Ali. His little legs were pinned by the tree trunk that entered the vehicle and hurt his mama.”
“Awe,” I say. “My poor little guy.”
“His legs are broken in three places. It was tough for me to get him out. Then I had to carry both Leo and Will as I walked in the woods. Leo was in a lot of pain the whole time.”
“That’s terrible,” I say, lifting the sheet to look at my middle son’s legs. They’re wrapped up in layers soft bandages right now, so I can’t tell much about what they actually look like.
“I walked in the woods, Daddy,” Ethan chimes in. “The whole way. Mama Marjorie carried my brothers.”
Liam is closest to where Ethan’s standing, so he gives him a high five and a pat on the head.
“Outstanding job, little man,” Liam says to Ethan.
I’m not sure how much Ethan is understanding from our conversations. I don’t want to scare him. I want him to know that I will keep him safe.
“Leo needs surgery,” Marjorie adds. “Tomorrow. Dr. Adams and the pediatric orthopedist we spoke with wanted to give you time to get your bearings and reunite with the boys before they took Leo off to surgery. They assured us there’s time and that he wouldn’t be harmed by waiting a little while to have the repair done.”
“Okay,” I reply. “Tomorrow then. He seems to be resting comfortably right now.”
“Yes,” Marjorie says. “He needs the rest. So do you.”
“And I could say the same for you,” I return.
Marjorie and I both smile, just a little. It’s good to be able to find even a little amusement to lighten the mood. This is heavy.
“Where did Duke and Taye end up?” I ask, looking back towards Liam and Roddy.
“I don’t know, for sure,” Liam says. “I’ve been too preoccupied here to think of much else.”
“I assume they’re involved with the ongoing investigation. And recovery,” Roddy says.
“Yeah, the investigation is a conversation for a day real soon,” I say. “I need to focus on my boys right now, but you had better believe I’m going to be on this just as soon as possible. I hope the two of you will be with me.”
“Absolutely,” Roddy says. “You don’t even have to ask. I’d be on this even if you weren’t. We’re talking about my daughter and grandsons here.”
“You know I’m with you, buddy,” Liam says. “We’ll do whatever we need to. Anything.”
I nod my head, satisfied for the moment.
“Is everything okay at home?” I ask. “Jen? Lady?”
“As far as I know, yeah,” Liam says. “Want me to give Jen a call? She’d probably want to hear the news about... You know, as soon as possible.”
“No, it’s late here, which means it’s even later there,” I say. “She’s pregnant and needs her rest. We’ll check in with everybody tomorrow. Besides, Duke will surely fill her in.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s late for Nicky, Luis, and Sara, too,” I add.
The adults in the room seem to take a collective deep breath as we think about informing people of Ali’s passing. I guess we hadn’t thought about that part yet. It’s heavy.
“Media?” I ask.
“They’re keeping their distance for the moment,” Liam says. They’ll be coming around though. You can count on that. I’ll do my best to keep them back until you’re ready.”
“I guess there was a story on the evening news, huh?” I ask.
I didn’t want the names of my family members read on an evening newscast, but I assume that’s exactly what happened.
“There was,” Liam answers.
“George, dear,” Mom interjects. “Please don’t worry about any of that right now. Like you said, one step at a time. Think about the boys right now. That’s all you need to do.”
“I know, Mom,” I say. “I hear you.”
“We’re here for you,” she says. “We’re all here for you.”
I look around the room at the faces of my family members and even though this is the single worst day of my life, I’m grateful. I feel the love in my life. I have the best people to rely on. There will be time to find the bastards who did this to us and make them pay. For now
, though, I feel a strange sense of peace. Like I can do this. I can move forward, with the help of my extended family and friends. Ali would have wanted it that way.
When the nurse returns to check on the boys, she brings in a second recliner for me to sleep in and a few extra chairs and pillows for Liam, Mom, and Joe. We all want to be together right now. Luckily, the hospital staff understands and supports that. It would be torture to have to be separated. We settle in and try to get some rest. I don’t want to disturb Leo or Will, so I kiss their heads gently and tell them goodnight without waking them. Ethan situates himself beside me in the recliner and almost immediately falls asleep while leaning hard on my chest. It feels like heaven right now.
I feel safe for the moment, so I begin to doze off, too. Ali crosses my mind as I drift to sleep and I think of her out there in the dark and the rain. But then I remember seeing her in my dream looking happy and well. That’s all I want for her.
Satisfied for the moment, I let myself fall into a deep sleep. At first, there’s a restful nothingness, which sorely I need right now. But then, someone is standing in front of me and urging me to pay attention. It’s Dad. He’s standing in the kitchen again, just like he was when I dreamed of him the night of the break-in. He’s leaning back against the counter and waiting for me to completely focus in on him.
“Hey, Kid!” he says. He called me Kid.
He seems glad to see me. I’m glad to see him, too. I feel comfortable after our last dream communication, so I approach my dad for a hug right away. We embrace and meld together in an unbreakable bond of love which transcends time and space. It feels so good. I’m starting to get the hang of this metaphysical stuff. The dreams and past-life memories don’t freak me out like they used to. I appreciate the opportunities.
Once we’ve reconnected, Dad motions with one hand as if to show me something. In a flash, I’m back in Ancient Greece. I recognize it immediately. I can feel Dad with me while scenes move quickly by as if they’re being fast forwarded. The speed intensifies until it becomes almost dizzying. Then, just as quickly, everything comes to a stop and I’m in the little house where Ali and Ethan lived after they were sent outside of the city. I’ve seen it before, during previous memories.