by Kelly Utt
"That's wonderful,” Roddy says. "Thank you."
Miss Tessa winks and smiles as she backs out of the room and then closes the door behind her. Roddy turns the latch to lock it, then we change clothes as quickly as we can. We place the folded-up gray maintenance uniforms on Miss Tessa’s desk.
Maybe it's because I've had little sleep and lots of distressing situations to deal with, but this whole thing with Miss Tessa and her little room seems surreal. It almost feels like she could be part of a very strange dream.
When Miss Tessa returns and knocks on the door, we open it right away. She steps inside and then hugs me. It's an unexpected gesture, but a welcome one. I appreciate the kindness. I haven't looked in a mirror but I know my hands are bruised up. I think I saw Miss Tessa glancing at them when the elevator doors opened and she saw me. She probably knows I've been through something which involves more than just getting out for fresh air. The fact that she's willing to offer me comfort even when she doesn't know what I've been up to is touching. I guess even predators appreciate comfort every now and then.
I don't pull away from the hug until she does. When it happens, she turns and begins her slow, scooting steps that I've already grown accustomed to as she walks towards the door. Roddy and I follow Miss Tessa out with our heads raised this time. We don't seek out interactions with others by looking directly at them, but we're not hiding our eyes under the hats like we were before. It feels better not to have to hide.
This time, we go around the nurses’ station and down the long hall towards the big double doors where I met Jaz. We're almost to the boys’ room and I can't wait to see them.
It's nearly dinner time now. I'm sure Leo's surgery has begun. Maybe he's all finished. I know Dr. Adams said it wouldn't take very long since the breaks in his little legs were clean.
I wonder if the hospital will want some of us to go home to the vacation rental house overnight. I'm not ready to send any of my family members out where they may be in danger. Besides, Roddy and I have to go back and finish up with Clive. And Liam is still scheduled to fly back to Ithaca tomorrow in order to get started on the business set up. We have several important decisions to make within the next couple of hours.
As we walk past a small waiting room near the elevators on the fourth floor, I walk over near the windows to look for the news trucks. Sure enough, one is still there. I guess that's an improvement since there were two hanging around earlier today. I doubt they're letting up on me though. I’m certain they’ll be waiting for me when I go downstairs.
Miss Tessa is still with us and it looks like she's planning to walk us all the way to our destination. I wonder if she can help us get down to the emergency department without being seen. I turn and put one hand on her upper arm to ask.
“Miss Tessa?" I begin. “We need to stop in my boys’ room to see how they're doing and to get my mother-in-law, Marjorie, to come downstairs with me and Roddy. I see that one of the news trucks is still outside. Is it too much to ask for you to help get the three of us down to the emergency department so we can see my wife?"
Miss Tessa smiles big as if she likes being asked to help.
"Honey,” she says. "I can get you anywhere in this hospital you want to go. But you had better call and find out exactly where your wife is. If she's in recovery she may not be in the emergency department anymore. In fact, she may have already been moved to the intensive care unit. Each of those spots is in a different location. We will need to know where we're going before we set off for it."
I thank Miss Tessa with another hug and a kiss on the cheek. I think I'm becoming attached to this old lady. I could use a grandmother in my life.
She promises to wait on us right here in the hall, so Roddy and I step inside the room and give her a quick wave. We won't keep her long. She doesn't look like she's in the kind of shape to be standing on the hard floor for long. I don't want her to be feeling achy and miserable while she waits on us.
When we walk in the hospital room, Mom and Joe are there with Ethan and Will.
"Daddy! Papa Roddy!” Ethan shouts as he runs toward us and wraps one arm around each of our knees.
Little Will giggles and coos from Mom's lap
I lift Ethan up into the air and give him a gentle, playful toss. I think about what Clive claims regarding Ethan’s paternity and I can't begin to imagine this child being anyone’s but mine. This is my boy. He and I are connected. So connected that we even remember having lived in Ancient Greece together. Also, we had that shared dream which turned out to be damn near like real life. How could Clive Roland possibly be his biological father? I don't know if I could believe it, even if the DNA evidence supports Clive as telling the truth.
“Hey, there, son," I say to Ethan. "How's my big boy?"
Roddy walks over to where Mom is sitting and picks little Will up off her lap. He knows she needs a break for a few minutes.
"Hi, little buddy," Roddy says to Will as he lifts him up in the air just like I did Ethan. "How is our littlest guy?"
Will giggles some more and smiles big. It looks like Mom and Joe are taking good care of our little men.
"We're only here for a few minutes this time,” I say as I hold Ethan in my arms.
He leans down on one of my shoulders like he wants me to stay.
“I know, I say. "I want to stay with you all. But Mommy’s operation is done and it's time for me and Papa Roddy to go and see her."
“Did Marjorie already go?" Roddy asks Mom and Joe.
“She did,” Mom answers. "A little while ago now. Probably about twenty minutes ago."
“Do you know where Ali is?" Roddy asks.
“She's been moved to the intensive care unit," Mom replies. "That's where Marjorie was headed when she left here."
Roddy nods his head and then hands little Will back to Mom.
“There you go, buddy," he says to our baby boy. "Go back to your grandma."
I hand Ethan to Roddy and then step over to kiss little Will on top of the head. I feel uncomfortable being near Mom without saying anything about the way I treated her earlier. But I don't have time to deal with that right now. I’ve got to go see Ali.
"Is Leo in surgery?" I ask.
"Yes," Mom says. "They took him back about an hour ago. He should be done soon and then we will be able to go see him in recovery. Dr. Adam said she expects him to come back to the room by bedtime tonight."
I place one hand on Mom’s shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you for being here for us," I say. "To you, too, Joe. Thank you."
They both say they don't mind and that they're glad to do it. I don’t know what we’d do without them. I’m glad they flew out here. I make a mental note to apologize to Mom as soon as possible. She didn’t deserve the things I said to her. I spoke my truth, but there was no need to have been harsh about it.
“Alright, we're heading back out but will return soon,” I say.
"Daddy?" Ethan asks. "Are we all staying overnight at the hospital again tonight? And when will Mommy come to be with us?"
"Buddy,” I begin. "I'm not quite sure yet. But I'm going to ask the same questions and I'll let you know what I find out”
“Okay," my big boy says reluctantly.
"I'll bet supper is going to be delivered soon," I offer, trying to give him something to focus on. "Do you know what is on the menu for tonight?"
That seems to have done the trick because his expression lightens.
"I don't know," he says. "For lunch, we had a hamburger, corn, green beans, and jello. Purple jello."
"That sounds really good," I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. "Maybe Grandma or Joe will ask one of the nurses what's for supper."
"That sounds like a job I can handle,” Jos says in his deep, gravelly voice.
He gives me a wink like he's glad to help. I appreciate it. When we get back from seeing Ali, I'm planning to ask Joe if he'll hypnotize me right here in the hospital, I hope he'll be f
eeling helpful then.
"Okay, see you again very soon," I say as Roddy and I step back into the hall and close the door.
Miss Tessa is waiting.
"Where to?" she asks.
"ICU," I say simply. "Can you get us there?"
"Of course I can," she says.
"Do we need Girard’s help?” I ask.
“Oh, no," she says as if I’ve asked a very silly question. "We only need Girard when you're leaving the hospital grounds. I can take care of you inside the building.
Miss Tessa turns and begins to scoot with her short steps. We follow obediently. She takes us back through a series of closed doors until we reach a stairwell. I'm not sure how she'll be able to handle stairs, but she motions for us to come on and follow her. She doesn't seem to be negatively affected by the activity.
The three of us go down the stairs until we reach a cafeteria. I can tell right away where we are because the scrumptious smell of dinner being cooked wafts out to greet us. My stomach growls and I suddenly realize I'm hungry. I tell myself to try and eat something this evening. Not sure if I'll actually remember or not. Good thing Liam had me eat that sandwich earlier.
Thinking about dinner makes me sad that my wife won't be able to enjoy it. It also makes me think about Clive and how he's going to be hungry soon, too. I’m not sure what we're going to do about that. I've never kept someone prisoner before. Hopefully, Roddy and Liam can give me some guidance.
When we finally reach the intensive care unit, Miss Tessa motions for us to go ahead without her.
I give her another smile as Roddy and I file in the door and to the nurses’ station. It's hard to contain myself all of a sudden. I want to see Ali so badly. Even though I know she's not conscious, I want to feel her hand in mine and to stroke her hair. I think at some level she'll know I'm here.
We head straight to the nurses’ station and ask for Ali's room. We’re directed just around the corner and told only two visitors are allowed in the room at a time. When visiting hours are over at ten o’clock tonight, all visitors must leave the unit until morning. I want to argue with those rules because they seem arbitrary and unreasonable, but I want to get into Ali’s room worse. I'll save arguing for later.
As we approach the room, Roddy takes a step behind me and places his hands on my shoulders. We know Marjorie is already in there and so only one of us can join her right away.
"You first, George," Roddy says. “Go on."
It must be hard to wait when it's your child in there. I'm not going to pass up his offer though. I want to get to my wife.
I step into the room through a sliding door and, all of a sudden, there she is in my view. Finally. Unlike the day Dad died when my legs wouldn't walk me to approach him, I'm drawn to Ali. Pulled towards her. I couldn't stay away if I tried.
Her face is bruised and swollen and her eyes are closed. She's hooked up to several different machines and monitors. She has an IV in her arm. A plastic bag for urine hangs down at the bottom of the bed. I hate seeing my girl like this.
Marjorie is here, sitting on one side of the bed and holding her daughter’s hand. My mother-in-law looks like she’s been crying a lot. It's hard to say whether those are tears of sadness or tears of relief that we’ve all made it this far.
I stroke my wife's hair gently, just as I envisioned. Then I reach down and take her other hand into mine as I pull a chair over beside her. Realizing that I haven't kissed her yet, I push myself back up off the chair and gently kiss her top lip, which protrudes around a respirator. Tears stream down my face I can't hold them in. This hurts so much.
"Have you spoken with Dr. Wong yet?" I ask Marjorie.
"Not yet," she says, getting up. "I'll go tell the nurses we’re ready for him. She motions for Roddy to come in and take her place. She doesn’t wait until she’s outside to switch with him, but rather motions vigorously for him to join us. Maybe she didn't hear about the two-person-at-a-time rule. Or maybe she doesn't care.
All of a sudden, I remember about the baby. I place my hand very gingerly on top of Ali’s abdomen. It's covered in bandages and I know it's just been operated on. But I want to connect with this baby. I want Ali's body to find a way to protect it and keep it and allow it to grow. I want the baby’s body to find a way to hold on and to stay inside until it's safe for him or her to join the family.
Roddy walks in the door and immediately loses his composure. I'm taken aback. I've never seen him so upset. I guess there something about seeing one of your people in this vulnerable position. It's one thing to hear that bad things are happening, but it's quite another to see with your own eyes. I'm not sure whether Roddy has ever experienced a loss or a shock like I did when Dad died. I'll have to ask him sometime.
Roddy walks around the side of Ali’s bed where Marjorie sat, then he leans down and kisses his daughter on the forehead. Tears stream down his cheeks, same as they do mine.
"Oh, Alessandra, my dear, sweet girl," Roddy says. "You've been hurt."
It's a tender moment to witness. I know what I'm going through seeing my wife like this. I can only imagine what my in-laws are feeling about their little girl.
"I am so sorry this happened to you,” Roddy continues. "My sweet, sweet girl. I'm so sorry you're hurt like this."
Roddy takes Ali's hand in his and brings it up to kiss, then he bows his head and begins to sob heavily. If I wasn't seeing this with my own eyes, I’m not sure I’d believe it was Roderick Davies. Although, I know how much he loves Ali. He adores her. He’s an amazing daddy who thinks the world of his little girl, no matter how big or how old she gets.
Marjorie walks in with Dr. Wong as Roddy is still sobbing.
"Hello there,” Dr. Wong says somberly. "I know this is difficult for you folks."
“You think you can protect them,” Roddy says, to no one in particular. “You think you can keep them safe…”
He’s a blubbering mess. It’s heartbreaking.
"Thank you, doctor, "Marjorie says, speaking for both of them.
Marjorie has been here a while now. She probably cried hard when she first got here, too. I think she’s a little ahead of us in terms of coping with the situation.
Marjorie walks over and sits down near her husband, who places one arm around her shoulders. They both look up a Dr. Wong expectantly, waiting. I turn towards him as well.
Dr. Wong has a chart in his hand, but he closes it and then places it under one arm the same way he did last night when he talked to us before Ali’s surgery began. It's a visual representation that his attention is with us. That doesn't go unnoticed. It's much appreciated.
"We are ready to hear what you have to say," Marjorie says bravely.
"Alright, then," Dr. Wong begins. "I told you last night that the situation was grave. That it was critical. That part has not changed. I'm cautiously optimistic because she made it so far, but this thing could go South at any moment."
"When will you know?" I ask. "I have to tell my little boys something. If we're going to lose her, I just want to know so we can get through it and get it over with. This pain is excruciating."
Roddy looks back at his daughter laying virtually lifeless in the bed and again begins to heave and sob.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I don't mean to sound insensitive. I just don't know what to do. I don’t know what to tell my kids. They’re asking when their mommy will be with them again. And little Will, our infant, is drinking synthetic formula instead of breastfeeding like usual..."
My voice catches.
Dr. Wong smiles slightly. I can tell he genuinely feels bad for us. Again, I don't envy this part of his job. It must be torture.
"As I told you on the phone, Alessandra is in a medically-induced coma to allow her body time to heal. It's too early to tell whether or not she's going to recover. All we can do is watch and wait at this point. Every hour that she holds on is a good sign. If she makes it through the night, that will be encouraging.”
"You make it sound lik
e you didn't expect her to get this far," I say.
"To be quite honest, you're right. I didn't," the doctor says.
Something settles over me and I suddenly realize that Ali can probably hear everything we're saying. I've heard that people in comas often wake up and report having heard what was being said and what was happening around them. And that makes sense. Especially given all the things I've recently become aware of which give me reason to believe our consciousness is much broader and wider than our brains.
"Wait," I interject. "We should be focusing on the positive right now. Ali can probably hear us. We can't let her think we're giving up on her. We need her to fight."
"That's very true,” Marjorie confirms. "It's widely reported from people who have been unconscious that they hear what's going on around them even though it doesn't seem like it to observers. It's also reported that some of those people are in a state of in-between where they have to make decisions about whether they want to come back to this life or go on to the next one. If it makes any difference at all to my daughter, I want her to know and to hear repeatedly that she is wanted. We need her on this Earth with us. Those little boys need her. It is most certainly not her time to go."
Roddy nods his head up and down vigorously. He’s beginning to look almost childish. It's as if this situation has broken down his tough exterior to expose the soft center that even his closest people haven't seen the full extent of.
"I believe you're onto something," Dr. Wong says. "You're on the right track, at least. I've seen what could be classified as miracles happen. And studies have shown that patients who have close relationships with friends and family see better outcomes than those who don't."
"Yes, I say.” I squeeze Ali’s hand a little and hold it up a few inches off the bed.
"My daughter is deeply and thoroughly loved,” Marjorie says. "That's probably why she held on when rescuers didn't think she would make it. Even I didn't think she would make it. She was in such bad shape. But she's loved so very deeply. I think our love is helping her right now."