by Lea Coll
“What do you mean you’re only here until Penny is back from leave?” he asked, his face rigid and the tick in his jaw was back.
“Even if I wanted to stay, there isn’t a position for me here.” Realizing my error, I tried to fix it. “I mean, I want to stay of course.” I waited to see if he was going to respond. I would take anything at this point over silence. “Are you going to say anything?”
“I don’t know what there is to say, Emma.”
I wished I was sitting in his lap or touching him in some way. Sitting in different chairs I felt farther apart from him than ever before. It was hard to believe we’d been so intimate just hours before and now he felt so distant.
“All I can say is that the longer I’m here the more I want to stay. I don’t want to leave. I’ve made great friends. I met you. I don’t want to leave you.” The best man I’d ever met. No one saw me like he did. How to make him understand? “We could try a long distance relationship. Baltimore is only ninety minutes away. It’s not that far.” Then I realized my mistake. I was assuming he wanted a relationship. We hadn’t talked about it really. Maybe I was reading him all wrong.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he finally asked.
“It never came up. Ashley and Samantha knew I was here temporarily. It wasn’t a secret.”
Now he looked pissed. “I realize we don’t know a lot about each other. But there’s something you should know about me. My last relationship ended because she didn’t want to live here. We met at Washington College and got engaged after we graduated. She thought she could live here but she figured out pretty quickly that living in Chestertown is different outside of the dorms. Her friends all moved back to the city. She missed them and her family.” His voice was filled with pain.
“I’m sorry Luke. I didn’t know.”
“Right, because we don’t know each other that well. Maybe this was a mistake.”
“Luke, how could you say that? We could still try a longdistance relationship. I could try and find another job in the area. It might not be right away. But we can try to make this work.” I continued to plead.
“Emma, you won’t like it here. You’re not from here. You won’t stay. You think you will stay now, but you’ll change your mind. I can’t go through that again. It’s best to break this off now instead of down the road.”
“Better for whom? You? You’re going to let your past relationship affect us?” I looked at his face, set in stone and determination. When Luke made a decision it was rare for him to change his mind. He’d already given us a second chance and I knew in my heart he wouldn’t change his mind on this.
“I think it’s best if you leave,” he said, getting up and effectively ending the conversation. He opened the French doors and walked back inside the house. Hunter trotted in after him.
I sat there stunned for a minute, trying to figure out how we went from the most amazing sex of my life to breaking up in the span of a few hours. I decided to give him some space to see if he would change his mind but my heart was breaking. I knew I would never find another guy as great as Luke.
I got up slowly and followed him into the house in a daze. He was standing by the front door waiting for me to leave. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore, but it did. “Um, let me just grab my stuff from upstairs,” I said, as I walked up the stairs. I didn’t want to stay where I wasn’t wanted. I grabbed my panties and my purse and came back down the stairs. Luke hadn’t moved. He opened the door for me.
As I walked through the front door I said, “Luke, I think you’re making a mistake. We should at least talk about this some more.”
“No, you could have discussed with me before we started dating. You omitted it on purpose.”
“I didn’t, Luke. Everyone else knew. It wasn’t a secret. I had no idea about your ex-fiancée,” I said.
When he still didn’t respond, I decided to give him some time to cool down. I had a bad feeling he wasn’t going to change his mind. The ball was in his court. “Bye Luke,” I said softly, as I walked out onto his porch, down the stairs and to my car. I held my emotions in until I was home.
I closed my door and leaned against it, letting out the sob I’d been holding the whole ride from his house to town. We hadn’t dated for very long, but I fell so hard and fast for him that the weight of our breakup was crushing. I slid down the door to the floor where I stayed crying until there were no more tears.
In the back of my mind I had known this would happen. I knew a guy like Luke would never really be interested in me. I knew it wouldn’t work out. I was foolish and stupid. At the same time it was hard to regret the best sex of my life.
I’m not sure what time it was, but I’d moved over to lie down on the couch when my phone dinged.
Everything okay?
When I didn’t respond to Samantha’s text right away another one came through.
I was with Jack in the bakery when Luke came in. He told us what happened.
When I still didn’t respond, another text came.
I’m coming up. I have a key.
I groaned at that and jumped up to wash my face in the bathroom. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Of all people I was surprised Samantha was the one being so persistent. A soft knock came on my door a few minutes later and I slowly went to pull open the door for her. Her face filled with concern she said, “Are you okay?” She continued without waiting for my response, “Of course you’re not.” She rushed into the apartment carrying a bakery box of pastries and holding a coffee cup.
“I come bearing gifts,” she said, with a small smile placing the box down on the counter. I grabbed the coffee because I needed it desperately and had been too lazy to deal with the coffee maker. Then I plopped down on the couch with a big sigh.
“I brought donuts and cupcakes. I wasn’t sure what you would like.”
“Bring it all over,” I said, patting the coffee table in front of me.
“At least you still have an appetite,” she said, bringing the box over to the coffee table and sitting down next to me. She opened the top of the box and the smell of fresh donuts wafted out.
“This smells amazing, Samantha,” I said, grabbing a donut and popping it into my mouth.
“What happened?” she asked patiently.
I searched her face for clues. “Didn’t Luke tell you?”
She answered hesitantly, “He said you guys were over. You were moving back. End of story. Then they left. I think they said something about going fishing.”
“That’s what happened. I told him I was here temporarily and he ended it. He was angry I didn’t tell him before, but I’m not sure if would have made a difference. He was burned by his ex-fiancée so I think he would have broken it off whenever I told him,” I explained. I was feeling horribly guilty for not telling him sooner, but I couldn’t regret the small amount of time we had together.
I closed my eyes, replaying when he entered me for the first time two nights ago. The feeling of him inside of me. The sweet way he took care of me afterwards. How could he just walk away? What we shared was indescribable. I wouldn’t regret it. “He’s so stubborn.” I groaned as I opened my eyes and looked at the concern in Samantha’s eyes.
“I think so too. Olivia, his ex, did a number on him. They were building a life here. They were planning on living on the farm eventually, she had a job over in corporate at Archer, and they’d even talked about having kids. Then she packed up out of the blue and said she was transferring jobs back to the city. She didn’t even give him a chance to discuss it. She just made a decision and left.”
My heart broke for what he went through. “That’s awful, but I’m not Olivia.”
“I think he’s hesitant to get involved with someone who doesn’t live here. I guess he assumed you had transferred here permanently.”
“Yeah, it never really came up. You guys knew. It wasn’t like I kept it a secret on purpose or anything.” At her look, I said, “I guess I should have told h
im sooner, but I thought we could try the long distance thing. It’s not that far away.”
“He didn’t agree?”
“No, he won’t even discuss it. He was livid.”
“Give him some time to cool off. Maybe he will change his mind.”
“That’s what the plan is, but I don’t have a good feeling about this.”
Samantha put her arm around me and hugged me.
“So, what’s going on with you and Jack?” I asked, and Samantha pulled back in surprise.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you like him?”
She looked thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’ve always liked and admired him in a way. He stood up for me in high school when I was bullied and pushed around. He stands up for me now with Justin. But I don’t think he sees me as a potential girlfriend. He sees me as a little sister he wants to protect, not as a woman he’s attracted to. Does that make sense?”
I nodded. “So nothing has ever happened?”
“No.”
“Guys are such a pain, aren’t they?” I asked.
“They sure are,” she said with a small smile.
THE REST OF THE WEEKEND passed without a word from Luke. I refused to contact him. I had said my piece and the rest was up to him. As more days went by though, any hope that he would change his mind vanished. I only had two more weeks until my time was up at the office and Penny Shaw was due back from maternity leave. Her cases were prepped and ready to go. I was itching to return to Baltimore.
I had made great friends here but I couldn’t remain if Luke and I weren’t together. We had the same friends and it would be awkward. I couldn’t stay and watch him date and marry someone else. Have children with someone else. It would be too painful. I just knew he would be the one I wouldn’t be able to get over. In the city, I wouldn’t have to see him every day. I could try and move on. He would be out of sight and out of mind. So I talked to my supervisor, John Raymond, about returning to the city a little earlier than planned.
He was fine with it as long as my supervisor in the city was okay with it, and when I called, he was ecstatic about it. The city office was swamped, so he could use me. I was looking forward to returning the busy pace of my old office so I could keep my mind off of Luke. My apartment in the city was vacant as my office had paid for my living expenses in Chestertown. It hadn’t made sense to sublet it for such a short time. I was grateful for that decision now.
I finished up at work on a Friday and the office threw a small happy hour going away party. The next morning, I packed my things in my car and planned to return my key to Samantha before I got on the road. I checked the apartment one last time to make sure I didn’t forget anything. As I walked to the front door for the last time I couldn’t help but remember my first day in the apartment, my reluctance to move here, which eventually turned to hope as I made a few friends and found the first cartoon Luke had given me. I smiled sadly as I turned away from the apartment, locked and closed the door behind me.
I went downstairs to the bakery to give Samantha the key. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Stella and Ashley there too.
“Hi guys. I didn’t know you would be here,” I said. I was planning on handing the key off to Samantha and getting out of town. Now that I had made my decision I was anxious to leave. My silent phone wasn’t helping matters.
“Did you think you could get out of town with a proper goodbye?” Stella asked. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I just wanted to slip away.
“Yes, actually,” I responded with a smile, which said I had been caught sneaking off.
“Well, no can do, chicky,” Stella said. “We have cupcakes and coffee.”
“I can’t refuse those,” I said, with a smile. At least the guys weren’t here. I couldn’t handle that.
“We’re going to miss you so much!” Ashley said, as she stood up and gave me a hug.
“Me too, guys. It’s just too hard to stay here,” I said, as I turned to give Stella a hug. I didn’t say why. Everyone knew why. It was too painful to even say his name out loud.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“You’re mind is made up, isn’t it?” Samantha asked sadly, as she hugged me tightly. “You don’t want to give Luke another chance?”
“Luke made his decision. He wouldn’t even discuss it,” I said, as I took a seat at their table.
“Did you try and talk to him after that initial talk?” Samantha said, with a sad smile.
“No. He didn’t contact me either,” I said, in my defense. I was proud too. I’d always known deep down that it couldn’t last. It was a shock someone like him was even attracted to me.
“I don’t feel right about this. I think you guys are perfect together. Isn’t there a way you could have stayed?” Samantha asked.
“My position was always temporary. I’d hoped that we could make a go of things long distance, but he wouldn’t even consider it. I could have tried to find something more permanent here, but Luke made it pretty clear he was done with me.” I sighed, taking a sip of coffee. I grabbed another cupcake. I would definitely miss living above Samantha’s bakery. Her cupcakes were divine. After a few minutes of silence, I continued, “It would be just too hard to stay here and not be with him.”
“I get that,” Samantha said sadly, licking frosting off of her finger.
“Well, I’m going to miss you at the office. I wasn’t close to Penny,” Ashley whined.
“You need to stop working so much anyway,” I said.
“See? Who’s going to tell me that?” Ashley asked. “I need you.”
“I’m sorry guys. I value our friendship too. I will stay in touch,” I said, popping the last bite of cupcake in my mouth.
“Will you come back for the Tea Party Festival in a few weeks?” Ashley asked.
The festival took place over several days on Memorial Day weekend. It was Chestertown’s biggest festival of the year. “We’ll see,” I said. I didn’t want to. Maybe they would forget about it when I was gone. I could say I was too busy to come back. I could say I was visiting family or make some other excuse.
When we’d eaten so many cupcakes my stomach was bursting and I was jittery from the coffee, I stood up to go. “Well, I should get going. I want to beat the traffic going over the bridge.”
“Sure,” Ashley acknowledged, and everyone took turns hugging me again.
“We’ll miss you,” Samantha said.
“I’ll miss you guys too,” I agreed. And I would. I’d never had friends like them before. I was sad to leave them behind, but the thought of seeing Luke with someone else was too painful. I didn’t ask if Luke knew I was leaving. I assumed he did. There were no secrets in this town. He assumed I was leaving at the end of my term at the office anyway so there was no point for me to tell him I was leaving early. We were nothing at this point. I didn’t owe him anything.
I handed Samantha the key and after a small wave to everyone, I walked by myself around the building to the parking lot behind it. When I didn’t see Luke on my short drive out of town, I released the breath I’d been holding. It was funny how I hadn’t wanted to come here and now I was leaving something behind that I wanted. Karma was a bitch.
“ALL RISE,” THE BAILIFF CALLED, as I rose to standing in court that Monday morning. I hit the ground running as soon as I returned home to the city. I stopped at the office over the weekend to grab the files I would need for the week and spent the weekend preparing them and keeping busy. I was only mildly successful in keeping my mind off of Luke.
I wondered if he knew I was gone and whether he even cared, the thoughts playing on a loop inside my head. I needed a distraction and I needed one fast. Jumping back into court seemed like the easiest way to get that. I was actually hoping to have to deal with an asshole client or attorney today to keep my mind off of him. Either or both would do.
Samantha had texted to make sure I arrived home safely, but I never heard from Luke. I wanted to lock
my phone in a safe somewhere so I would stop checking it neurotically. Unfortunately I needed it for work, so it remained on me. I accepted as many cases as I could over the next few weeks to stay busy. I came home exhausted. I had no energy to attempt a social life. Not that I had one before I left the city.
I’d gotten a few texts from Samantha and Ashley about visiting for the festival. I avoided their inquiries. They didn’t offer any information about Luke and I didn’t ask. I couldn’t even stalk him on social media because like any paranoid cop he didn’t have an online presence.
Even though my time in Chestertown was brief, it had been filled with social gatherings for Luke’s election, friends, and work. My life in the city had never felt as stark as it did in comparison now. I worked in the city for years and had gone to school here, but I didn’t have any close friends. I never took the time and no one had made the extra effort with me either. Since high school, I just assumed I didn’t need friends. Books, studying, and then work would be enough. I’d learned the opposite was the case in Chestertown. I don’t know if it was the town or the people, but I learned that I craved friends. I needed Luke.
The contrast between the farmlands of the Eastern Shore and the city was huge. I was never annoyed by the city before, but now my lip curled with disgust when I observed the garbage in the streets, the smells, and the rats scurrying on the sidewalks as I walked. I was sad to look up to the sky and not see the stars. The city lights blocked them. I longed for the quiet serenity of Luke’s farm.
Initially when I came home I thought it would feel familiar and safe. I did not expect to feel out of my skin. I never saw myself living in a small town again but now I could see it easily. The only problem was that Luke didn’t. He didn’t want me. This touched me somewhere deep inside. The place where I always believed I wasn’t good enough. Good enough for a hot, kind, sweet man. Not good enough for a group of friends. Not good enough to find happiness.
The inner debate was whether to keep in contact with Ashley and Samantha or to cut them off. The desire to stop returning their texts was great. It would be so easy. Then I’d have no more connection to that town. I’d never run into Luke again. I wouldn’t have to hear through someone else that he was dating someone. The problem was that I wasn’t ready to let go. Maybe if he saw me he would change his mind. I know this was naïve but I couldn’t stop wondering. In the end, I texted Ashley back saying I would be there. She said I could stay with her. As soon as I texted her, I regretted it.