“Yeah, this place is massive.” Ryley would’ve been intimidated even if the house was a ten-foot shack. Both started dragging their feet the closer they got to the door. Just as she was about to say something to offer comfort, he snapped, “Ryley, stop dawdling. Come on!” Feeling the nerves coming off him and adding to her own agitation, she didn’t snark back and simply walked faster. She could hear the base beat pulsing outside. “Gives You Hell” again.
Josh pushed open the door—Taylor was incredibly trusting, leaving it unlocked with the gate open—and she was immediately overwhelmed by how loud and dark it was inside. The lights in the corridor were barely on, dimly flickering in ornately patterned, beautiful sconces so guests could see their feet as they first walked into the house. Beyond the corridor, the living room was dark and she could just see the silhouettes of couples making out against the wall. The furniture had been cleared away to make a dance floor of sorts, but she followed Josh closely as he walked straight through the living room and into the backyard.
There, she recognized a couple of girls from the softball team, and surprisingly, Kyle immediately shouted, “Ryley, Josh! Hi!”
Ryley gave Kyle a huge smile, feeling the strain in her cheeks as she tried to communicate her appreciation for Kyle’s warm greeting.
“Hey, Kyle! How are you?”
Kyle twirled in closer to them, meeting them halfway and bringing her entourage effortlessly with her as she lightly rubbed Ryley’s arm in hello and gave Josh a loose, draping hug. Josh seemed shell-shocked but immediately hugged her back. Kyle had to take a rather obvious step back before he released her.
“Ryley, going to drink at this one?” Kyle asked, and although Ryley was uncomfortable being put on the spot, she liked that Kyle had effectively intimated that Ryley had been at past parties and they’d hung out socially before. She didn’t recognize most of the girls around Kyle aside from Maddie, the one other softball girl in this little circle.
“Yeah, I’m just going to nurse a beer though. I wanted to give Josh a chance to drink, so I was planning on being the designated driver.” Ryley had practiced the designated driver line with her mom. She’d forgotten to run it by Josh earlier though, so she turned to him now, saying, “Good with you? I figured you’d want to drink.”
“Yeah, I do want to drink, but your plan makes no sense. I live like twenty minutes away from you.”
“Oh, yeah, you can crash in our guest room.” Ryley had been surprised when her mom had offered to let him stay with them, but her mom had really liked the designated driver idea.
“Oh, okay. That’ll be better than me making the longer drive out. Great. Thanks.”
Kyle had stayed quiet as the two of them figured it out, but now said, “Okay, Josh. Let’s get you wasted!”
Ryley trailed after them as Kyle poured some sort of elaborate concoction for Josh. She stuck with her proclaimed beer choice. Harrison had always told her those were easier to track. She looked around the garden. She liked how it was bracketed into parts, consisting of an off-white porcelain tile patio, an antiquated fireplace nook, and a large, well-watered, lush expanse of grass. It was a relatively nice night for February and her leather jacket was more than enough to keep her warm. Seeing someone stumble and fall in a shadowy patch of grass a little to her right, she automatically went over to help them. She was surprised to find herself helping Harrison.
“Harrison?” Ryley said, shocked. She helped Harrison over to an empty chair, located on the edge of the red brick patio. He had a cigarette in hand.
“Hey, Ryley! Good to see you here, moving on up in the world! How’s it hanging?” His eyes were glazed and his words slurred as they tumbled out of his mouth. This was the drunkest she’d ever seen him. He couldn’t be planning on going back home like that. There was no way their mom would be sleeping and she’d have words for him.
“Fine. I didn’t know you were coming to this?” Ryley chose not to comment on his blatant drunkenness.
“I was on the beach with some friends, and they invited me along. I’m just going with the flow. I’m glad you’re experiencing this as a sophomore. I was too serious before this year,” he said, shaking his head and chuckling to himself.
“Yes, okay.”
“Ryley, breathe! Your shoulders are all the way up to your ears. Breathe.” He swayed toward her, even as he demonstrated how to breathe.
“I’m good. Do you want me to drop you home at the end of the night?”
“Nah, it’s cool. I’m probably going to go over to Matt’s to sleep. Don’t want to face Mom like this. Don’t tell her. I know you can’t keep anything to yourself when it comes to her, but please keep this to yourself.”
“Yes. Sure.” It would be a toss-up. Ryley would probably cave if directly pressed.
“So, having fun? How’s it hanging?” He cocked his head to the side, a dopey grin still on his face.
“It’s good. Okay, I’m going to go.” She didn’t know how to talk to him when he was like this and it made her feel out of sorts. He was too pliable, too childlike, and she wanted her big brother back.
“Okay. Josh brought you, yeah?”
“Yeah. How’d you know that?” She stopped stepping away, her attention back on him.
“Just a guess,” he said, attempting to wink. He didn’t actually wink because he was too drunk; instead, his eyes were spasming.
Before she could say anything more, his new friends were shouting at him and gesturing for him to join. “Come on, we’re going to teach you how to actually drink!” She wished they wouldn’t patronize him so. She wished he wouldn’t let them.
Ryley went back to join Kyle and Josh, who was still gazing at Kyle with big heart eyes; Kyle was telling a story about getting so drunk that she decided to go streaking across her neighbor’s lawn. As Kyle continued the story, holding eye contact with Ryley for crucial segments of the story, Ryley found herself looking at Kyle with that same sort of admiration. Kyle’s gold hair was glinting in the patio light, and her face was attractively flushed. She was so cool. Ryley wanted to be like that; able to command an audience at will with that same effortless confidence. However, when Taylor walked by them, heading toward the drinks table, Kyle immediately began wrapping up her story, cutting right to the chase in a way that felt artificial before quickly saying, “I’m out. I’m going to get another drink.” Ryley would bet there was at least four gulps’ worth left in Kyle’s red solo cup.
After Kyle left, Josh just stood there, staring sadly down at his cup. No one even tried to take Kyle’s place and the others in the circle quickly drifted away, leaving Josh and Ryley standing there alone. Ryley was sure Josh would ditch her to go hang out with the baseball guys, so she started scouting the backyard to see if she could locate anyone else she knew.
She, unsurprisingly, only had acquaintances here. All the people were “cool” and white but for a couple of spots of color; the minority quotient had been diluted even further. Josh, however, stayed stationary beside her; perhaps he too didn’t feel close to anyone. After at least two more minutes of the two of them just standing there, she asked, “You good?” That seemed to wake him up and then he was moving away. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to do some shots.”
She looked over to where Kyle and Taylor were leading a round of shots and sighed, turning her feet to head in the opposite direction. She decided she’d pay a visit to the bathroom, perhaps, try to find Harrison again. Or Carly. Carly had somewhat tired of acting like her self-appointed older sister, but she was still infallibly kind, always offering to take Ryley in her car to get to the softball field. Carly hadn’t invited her to this though, likely predicting Ryley would feel incredibly out of place.
Ryley passed by four more couples making out as she traversed the hallway leading to the bathroom. Upon seeing the line, she plonked herself down on the floor. It looked like it would be a wait. She made eye contact with the guy standing in front of her who then immediately looked away and down at his
phone. Soon, two girls—the blondes she’d noticed earlier in the little black dresses—joined the line behind her, and Ryley saw the boy immediately swivel his head back around at the sound of their higher-pitched, light-hearted voices.
He stared at them for a couple of minutes before telling Ryley, “Hey, let’s switch. You can go ahead of me.”
Ryley looked at him, considered saying no out of spite, but inevitably nodded and tried to block out the sound of them flirting behind her. She heard the girls say they knew no one there and the boy promise to show them around. She looked down at her hands and finally, when she got into the bathroom, just stared at herself in the mirror. She doubted the guy outside was in any rush to use it.
Staring at her skin, her face, and her hair, she wished again that she could have been born with the white skin and blond hair that seemed to make boys drop everything. That would make her a leading lady and not a dorky side character who was too frequently written out of scenes or relegated to the outskirts. She was tired of being looked through and being the odd one out automatically and tired of seeing that reflected in movies and in real life, where the only minorities who fit were white in everything but skin, or were being patronized, like they were doing to Harrison. It had been stupid to come.
She sat heavily down on the toilet seat and pondered walking home. She didn’t want to see Josh fawn over Kyle all night. Eventually, someone pounded on the door, asking if she was “taking a dump.” Embarrassed, she quickly exited, keeping her eyes averted as she walked rapidly away. She made her way back outside and decided she couldn’t just ditch Josh but would ask him if he was okay to leave. Maybe he wasn’t having too good a time of it either.
She scanned the crowd, trying to locate him, and found him hovering on the side of the circle containing Taylor and Kyle. She went over, pulled on his sleeve, and said in a low voice, “Hey, any chance you want to go?”
“No! We just got here!” he exclaimed. Of course, the rest of the circle immediately turned to look at them, and Ryley blushed under their scrutiny.
“What, you’re not having fun?” Taylor asked, eyeballing her.
“No, I am. Just tired. It was a long day.”
He stared at her for a moment longer as if to consider heckling her, but Kyle pulled on his sleeve and continued her story. Ryley felt another rush of gratitude to the girl.
Josh turned to face away from Ryley, signaling the end of the conversation, but another boy on the baseball team looked over at the two of them.
“Asked her for help studying yet?” he queried.
Ryley waited for Josh to respond, already dreading what was coming.
Josh looked mortified as he stood there, frozen. “Um, no. No.”
Ryley waited two seconds longer to see if Josh would give any further justification and realizing he had none, gave a dry laugh and walked away. Luckily, at least the other boy had spoken in something of an undertone and Kyle had only increased the volume of her monologue, so Ryley was spared any looks of pity from the rest of the circle.
Ryley had just reached the outer gates to the house when she heard someone run up to her and then a hand was on her shoulder, yanking her to a stop.
“I’m sorry. He twisted it. I said I liked you as a friend and then when Kyle started asking me if I was sure and asked why I was spending so much time with you, I said I also wanted your help studying because I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t interested.” He was speaking very loudly, his words sloppily jumbling together.
Ryley looked at Josh in silence. She didn’t think that was the whole story. “Why did you suddenly start being so nice to me?”
“Because I like you.” He took a step closer.
“Were you going to ask me for help with studying?” She took a couple of steps back.
“Maybe, but that’s not the only reason I was hanging out with you. I like you. You’re nice.”
“But you decided to drop me off at my house and invite me to the party all in one weekend. What’s going on?” Ryley decided to remove the wool from her own eyes.
“Honestly, I just like you.” He didn’t take another step forward but lifted his hand slightly, reaching for her. Ryley let the pause linger and stayed where she was.
He let out a heavy breath and continued. “Harrison said if I helped you adjust and helped you fit in and belong, he’d put in a good word with the jazz director so I could get a solo at the showcase.”
Ryley supposed she should feel more shocked. So much for Harrison saying she was “wonderful the way she was.” Of course, Harrison thought she was a weirdo and needed help to be normal and get along with people. He’d judged her at Homecoming and he’d judged her when he overheard her talking to her mom about how alone she felt. Seeing that she refused to follow in his footsteps and accept the mantle of Queen of the Nerds, he’d conscripted someone into helping her, thinking she was doomed on her own. It was humiliating.
“But this is not like a Ten Things I Hate About You thing. I’m not Heath Ledger here. Harrison knew we were already kind of friends and just told me I should try to get to know you better and give you a chance. He said he could see us actually being friends. And he was right.”
She stayed silent, so he continued speaking in an even louder tone. “Ryley, we’re just starting to be close. Come on, don’t be mad. You know I have your back. I didn’t even do anything wrong except say that one line about studying.”
“Right, so you have my back except when it comes to Kyle. Why are you so obsessed with her?” Ryley didn’t know who she was madder at: Josh, for going along with the charade; Harrison, for making it clear to her that she wasn’t fine the way she was; or herself for thinking she’d been at least semi-successful at blending in. She was a charity case.
Josh’s mouth was still moving, so Ryley made an effort to listen. “Kyle makes me feel good and important. I don’t normally feel like that. Usually, I just feel like I’m drifting along and doing what everyone else is doing.”
Ryley found herself hard-pressed to summon up feelings of sympathy. She nodded, wanting the conversation to be over.
He perked up immediately upon seeing her nod, though he was tentative when he asked, “Are you still okay if I crash in your guest room?”
She sighed and said, “I’m still pretty upset at you, man. But yeah, I’m not going to ditch you. Come on.”
They walked to the car in silence, drove back in silence, and entered her house in silence. Ryley proceeded to get the guest bedroom set up for him in silence. Her mom had done most of the heavy lifting, fitting the bed with new sheets and stocking the bathroom with towels and toiletries. Indians were nothing if not good hosts. In fact, her mom had stayed up for them, but at Ryley’s insistence, she’d left the two of them alone. She knew Ryley would be giving her a play-by-play tomorrow.
Ryley gave him a pair of Harrison’s pajamas and turned to leave but stopped when he grabbed her arm.
“What?” she asked semi-irritably.
“Do you like me?” He was looking her at with wide, innocent eyes.
“What?” She hoped the shock in her tone would convey enough. What an idiot.
“I was just thinking—do you like me, like me? Because I feel like you got jealous of Kyle earlier. Rather than talking about any of the other stuff, you asked me why I was so obsessed with her. And you seem to study her a lot, and I was thinking that maybe you were trying to copy her so you could be more like her. To impress me.” Someone in the room had an inflated sense of their own importance and it wasn’t Ryley.
After taking one calming breath in, she said, “Honestly, I don’t know what I feel. I think you’re a catch, but I don’t know if I like you. I do think you give her too much importance, but I mean, at the end of the day, I can see why—I think she’s interesting. I’d like to have that sway.”
Josh stayed quiet and after a couple of seconds of silence, said, “Do you want to make-out?”
“How drunk are you?” Ryley asked, taken a
back at how quickly this had escalated and slightly scared.
“Pretty drunk. But I don’t know. I want to do something.”
Ryley knew it wasn’t about her. He was just frustrated, but she’d also never been kissed and was sixteen years old, and here he was offering. She supposed if he was using her, she was using him. She’d show Harrison he shouldn’t make her his charity case; he’d be horrified.
So she leaned forward and lightly pressed her lips against his, and at first, she liked how soft he was, how tentative. As he started applying more pressure, she let herself be guided onto the bed, thinking of how grown-up she felt; however, when she felt him reach for her pants, she seized up, frightened.
“Wait, hold up,” she said breathlessly.
And he immediately stopped, looking at her carefully. They stared at each other, breathing rapidly, and Ryley could not decide what to do. She could get it over with, stop feeling so weird and know she was right on track, perhaps even ahead of schedule, but she was scared. As she lay frozen against the headboard, he lightly pushed another kiss onto her, soothing her by running his hand up and down her arm. She wanted to run out of the room.
She stayed.
CHAPTER 17
FEBRUARY 2019
Nursing a slight hangover from the latest event (she hadn’t eaten anything even while downing three glasses of wine), Ryley plopped herself down on the seat with a huff. She was going to take a step back from networking. All the recruiting events took place in one of a select few restaurants on rotation in Harvard Square, the New England cheery red-brick vibe invariably at odds with the visiting attorneys’ formal intensity. Although she had been taken aback by how many suits there were at first, any sort of intimidation factor was fast belied by way of hands waving just a bit too much and words coming out just a bit too loud.
At every event, attorneys and students alike clearly took advantage of the open bar. She inevitably did the same but found herself saddened by the fact that many of the practicing attorneys seemed to be rather unhappy, speaking lightly with an undertone of bitterness that set her teeth on edge; her rampant wine consumption most definitely contributed to her down mood.
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