CHAPTER 18
FEBRUARY 2019
Ryley decided to make herself a mixed drink. Ten minutes would be a bit of a wait and she wanted to get drunk tonight. Not for Genie’s sake but for her own. She painstakingly poured one and a half shots of Harrison’s surprisingly nice choice of Grey Goose and mixed in club soda alongside grapefruit juice, stopping every so often to taste the bitterness with a care she wouldn’t normally have. She may also have been using the time to take a break from the conversation.
She heard the steps of someone coming toward her and looked up over the white kitchen counter divider to see David standing there, smirking.
“Hiding out in here?” he asked playfully.
“No. Just making myself the perfect mixed drink.”
“Great. Want to make one for me too?” David asked, stepping around the divider to enter the kitchen and lightly wrapping an arm around her in a side-hug.
Ryley smiled, appreciating his open display of affection if only because such displays had become increasingly rare. “Sure.”
Olivia popped her head in over the divider next and said, “Rye Bread, make one for me too.” Ryley saw David flick Olivia an irritated glance. Olivia looked coolly back at him as she said, “Yes?” Most people would have let it go.
“Nothing, nothing. Just feel like I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of alone time with Ryley,” he responded flatly.
Before the two of them could say anything more, Ryley interjected, “Wait, Olivia, I thought you didn’t drink?”
“I don’t drink a ton, but when I’m feeling it, I’ll have a glass or two.” Ryley nodded, appeased. Olivia seemed too efficient to drink much.
David continued in an undertone. “I miss you, Ryley. I feel like you’ve been distant.” Ryley looked up to see if his softer tone had cued Olivia to leave, but she stayed put and winked at her as if they were in on an inside joke together. Ryley quickly looked away and focused once more on David.
“Oh, I haven’t meant to be. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” If she were the arguing sort, she’d say both had contributed to missing dates, but Ryley wanted them to be happy and light tonight. Ryley didn’t particularly try to lower her voice as she spoke though, a part of her liking how shameless Olivia was.
“I know you’ve had a lot on your mind, but I hope you know that when it comes to you, I always want to hear about it. Sometimes I feel like you’re in your own little world, locked away from the rest of us,” he said, earnest in his delivery in a way only David could be as he kept his eyes focused on hers. Ryley felt his disappointment and wished she could be more open and comfortable talking with him about all the pressures and the feelings of wishing she could be more, for him as much as for everyone else. Ryley opened her mouth and closed it.
Finally, she said, “Of course, I know that. I’m good, I am. And I’ll try to open up.”
As she turned back to make the drink, David reached out to place his hand on hers. The touch felt forced and commanding, and she shook it off under the guise of reaching for the handle of vodka.
Olivia jumped in then, interrupting whatever David was about to say and telling him that Harrison needed his input about something having to do with the Red Sox. David didn’t believe her obvious fib but walked away regardless. He could never resist talking about the Red Sox.
“You good?” Olivia asked.
“Yeah. I don’t need your protection. He’s my boyfriend.” The back of Ryley’s neck felt hot and her cheeks too flushed.
“I know. I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy. Boys can just be oblivious sometimes, and I felt like you were getting stressed.”
“Sure, okay. Thanks.” Ryley poured the grapefruit juice and reached for the club soda.
“You can talk to me. You know that right?”
“Yes. Jesus. I know I can talk to everyone,” she huffed out before suddenly stepping closer to the divider. “Wait, you know what? There is something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” Ryley’s tone sounded vaguely threatening and she liked it.
“What?” Although she spoke nonchalantly enough, Olivia took a step away from the kitchen bar, planting both feet firmly on the floor instead.
Ryley let the pause linger for dramatic effect and then sternly whispered, “Why’d you tell David not to date me?” Ryley’s heart was thudding and her hands were slightly trembling. Luckily she’d already placed her glass on the counter. She casually crossed her arms, tucking her hands behind the crooks of her elbows.
Olivia sighed and leaned forward against the kitchen counter once again. Ryley gave her time to gather her thoughts though she would’ve liked to snap at Olivia and command her to start speaking before someone interrupted them.
Finally, Olivia said, “I don’t want to say something as cliché as I didn’t think he was good enough for you.”
Ryley interjected, “Then don’t.”
“But I did think that, and look, I never saw it working out. I’m sorry.” Olivia had some nerve, pronouncing a relationship dead that was still very much ongoing.
Ryley looked quickly over at David; he was enthralled by something Harrison was saying. “Okay, that’s incredibly rude. One, we’re still dating. Two, no matter what you thought, you had no business telling David that when you didn’t even know me.” She took a step back and lifted the glasses to taste the drinks as she waited for a proper apology. One was slightly bitter and the other perfect.
Based on the obstinate look on Olivia’s face, an apology was not to be forthcoming anytime soon. “I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. Harrison had talked enough about you that I did feel like I knew you, and you’re a square peg trying to fit in David’s round hole! Or vice versa to make the analogy work better.”
Ryley didn’t smile. She did resolve to ask Harrison just what nonsense he was promulgating about her though.
Olivia continued, “But all this is a moot point. I’ve never had a problem admitting when I’m wrong, and I’ll never argue with you about this again if you actually are happy with him.”
Ryley fought back the instinct to respond immediately in the affirmative and paused to meaningfully think about it to show Olivia she was listening. “Look, I don’t know if I am happy right now, but I think we can be. He’s nice, smart, and motivated—all the groundwork for us to fit is there. We just need to adjust to each other. I don’t think it’s worth throwing in the towel.”
She handed Olivia one of the drinks and moved away from her after that, going to stand next to David. She gave him the second, slightly bitter cocktail. He shot her a beaming grin and almost immediately included her in the conversation. He was trying.
The rest of the pregame passed in a blur as the effects of the drinks she’d been steadily consuming started to hit her. She continued drinking. Indeed, to Genie’s enormous pleasure, Ryley led the group in doing a round of shots. Olivia, who was standing next to her as she poured out the vodka, refused to do the shots and looked at her significantly, as if cueing her. Ryley ignored her and led the group to do a second round of shots shortly after the first. Harrison started to eye her with slight concern at that point too. She ignored him as well.
They left for the formal shortly thereafter, and everything got hazy in a way Ryley rarely let it, exhilarating her as much as it terrified her. She danced with Cassidy, with Olivia, and with David, making out obviously with him. At one point, she announced she had to use the bathroom; either Cassidy or Olivia offered to accompany her, but she didn’t pause to confirm who, and just meandered away from the strobe light illuminated dance floor. When she got her bearings again and realized she was, in fact, standing successfully in the bathroom line, she looked over to see Olivia staring at her, concerned.
“I got you some water.” Olivia pushed a glass into Ryley’s hand and stared at her commandingly, gesturing for her to drink it.
Ryley obediently drank. The water didn’t go down well and made her feel nauseous, but Ryley took slow, measured gulps.
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When Ryley had her fill, Olivia took the glass from her surprisingly gently. “Harrison told me he’s never seen you this drunk.”
“Well, Harrison and I rarely go out together, so that doesn’t mean anything. Anyway, I wanted a break, and both Genie and David wanted me to drink. It’s good. I’ll show some emotion, be more fun. David and I are finally doing it tonight.”
Ryley was looking at the floor to ground herself, so she missed whatever reaction Olivia had to that piece of news, but she seemed to have stunned the girl into blessed silence.
Olivia broke it by saying, “You know I don’t drink all that much.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think it makes me any less fun.”
“Cool,” Ryley said in a flat tone. Olivia said nothing after that, silently standing in line with her. Eventually, she started talking—flirting?—with a girl in line behind them. Olivia was making a point of doing it in front of her, leaning forward to touch the other girl’s arm, laughing too loudly right in Ryley’s ear. If Olivia would move even a foot away, that would be nice.
Ryley was also more than a tad confused; she’d automatically assumed Olivia was into boys and hadn’t thought to question it. Keeping to herself, Ryley let them do their thing and only when she came out of the bathroom and saw that Olivia still hadn’t moved did she say, a tad impatiently, “Should I go ahead without you or do you want me to wait?”
Olivia just shot her a calm smile. “Chill. I don’t have to use the bathroom. I came along because I didn’t want you wandering off by yourself.” She then said goodbye to the other girl rather quickly. Too quickly. Olivia was likely just being friendly and Ryley had misread it.
As they walked back to the dance floor in slightly tense silence, Ryley felt bad for her earlier curtness. “Sorry, didn’t mean to snap. She seemed nice.” The slight slur to her words helped her disclaim any prior malicious intent.
Olivia immediately shot her a reassuring smile, scooting closer so that their arms brushed. “All good. Yeah, she’s sweet. She’s in one of my classes.” A slight hesitation and then, “We’ve been flirting for the last couple of weeks. She’s cute, right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Ryley said slowly, unsure of what she should say, unsure of what she was feeling. She liked having Olivia as a friend and how connected she felt to her. She was starting to prefer hanging out with her over David. She didn’t want that closeness to go away if Olivia found a partner. She only ever felt pressured to do more, to be more, when she was around David.
“What do you mean ‘you guess?’ She’s not your type?” Olivia asked, grabbing onto her hand and pulling Ryley to a stop before they traversed the marble arched entryway to the dance floor.
“Um, of course she’s not my type. I’m with David, remember?” Ryley closed her eyes slightly as she spoke, feeling a slight wave of dizziness. She wasn’t sure if it was brought on by drunkenness or Olivia annoying her.
“Yeah, I know you’re with David, but I thought you were at least a little fluid if not something more. The way you check me out, the way you are around David, the way you look at girls…”
Even at her drunkest, Ryley never fully lost control of her faculties. She knew Olivia had purposefully chosen to ask her about this now, when her guard was supposedly lowered, so as to make it easier for Ryley to step out of a hypothetical closet. Although Ryley was a little resentful, she tried to focus on Olivia only ever seeming to have Ryley’s back, however misguided she may be.
“No, I’m not. I’m straight,” Ryley said firmly if dispassionately. She wasn’t exactly shocked. She regularly checked out girls’ outfits and more than a few girls had hit on her in college, asking if she was gay because of said fashion curiosity or perhaps because of her energy. She found it easier to connect emotionally with a very specific type of girl and the connection was always stronger than the one she ever felt with any man. Her relationship with Olivia versus her relationship with David was a case in point, but she’d always found romantic relationships to be an obligation. If she started dating Olivia, she was sure the easiness of their relationship would also go away.
“Have you ever thought about it?” Olivia asked, with such genuine, open curiosity that Ryley felt calmed.
“Yeah, I did. In college. I’ve always found girls to be so pretty, easily better-looking than boys, but I’ve never been able to see myself with a girl physically. I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl when drunk, or on a dare, and I’ve had plenty of chances. It just doesn’t make sense with the image I have of myself.”
Olivia was the first girl to ask her about her sexuality in two years and was probably just confused because of their developing intimacy. Ryley had seemed to stop projecting whatever mixed-message energy she had been previously as she became more focused on finding a husband to meet her engaged-by-thirty deadline.
Olivia stood there, seemingly fighting with herself over something, and Ryley would have been content to let her work through it (she had nothing to hide), but then Cassidy walked by.
“Oh! Hi, what’s up, Ryley?” Cassidy only let her eyes linger momentarily on Ryley’s hand, still clasped in Olivia’s, before she turned to face Ryley.
Ryley released Olivia’s hand smoothly if immediately. “Nothing. We were actually just about to go back to the dance floor.” Ryley began walking over to David before Cassidy could say anything further.
One fuzzy period later, David finally dragged her off the dance floor, saying she was getting too sloppy and they needed a break. As they stood off to the corner and she fiddled with his shirt, he suddenly turned to her and asked, “Hey, want to get out of here? Go back to mine?”
She knew what he was implying as he rubbed her arm up and down, and she let herself get into the idea. She was feeling loose; they’d been dating for three months. This was about as good as it was going to get. She nodded and he eagerly pulled her along, telling her to text the group saying they were leaving because it would be too hard to find them. She could see Genie’s platinum blond hair from here but she wasn’t going to make a production of a goodbye.
Eventually, they reached his apartment and he was kissing her as soon as they were through the door. He pushed her into the bedroom, dropping kisses all over; each time, she maneuvered to protect her neck. Everything was blurry and she considered telling him that, but she thought the blurriness could potentially help prevent her from seizing up out of instinct. They continued along, yanking clothes off each other until there was nothing left, and suddenly he was everywhere, and it was as painful as it ever was. She needed more warning, more headspace, and more connection, but he was already going and she squeezed her eyes shut. When he was done, he flopped onto his back, offering her a small, tired smile, before asking if he could do something for her. She quickly shook her head. He didn’t push. They let the silence linger as he curled up around her.
A couple of minutes later, he asked, “Do you ever feel awfully alone?”
“Hm?” Ryley made the non-committal sound in the hopes of escape; she didn’t want them to engage in a joint existential evaluation of themselves, knowing she did that enough by herself, having already penciled some time in for one to occur the day after.
“Like do you feel a loneliness that you don’t think anybody will be able to cure you of?” He too must still be feeling their lack of connection. It made sense he’d think to debate and intellectualize the emotion.
The rephrased question wasn’t a hard one though, so she answered easily. “I feel alone a bunch, yeah. And I guess it sometimes is a type of aloneness I think will be with me my whole life.” She hesitated and then added, “I don’t think it has to be a bad thing, though.”
She peered over her shoulder to look at him. He looked let down.
“How could that not be a bad thing? Maybe you just haven’t met the right person, so you don’t know any better.”
Ryley wasn’t sure what David wanted from her—if he wanted her to reassure him that eventually they
would feel that connection or if he was asking her to have the courage to call their relationship off. She couldn’t bring herself to pursue either course of action; however, she found herself desperate to lift the weight that had fallen over them and didn’t want to feel the burden of his sadness in addition to her own.
“I think even with the most perfect person, I’d inevitably feel alone sometimes. And I don’t think that has to be a terrible thing. I like thinking of my mind as a hidden-away best friend.” She’d stumbled across the idea, beautifully phrased, in the autobiographical account of a manic-depressive (her idea of beach reading) and still thought about it even months after finishing the book. Even if Ryley couldn’t offer him genuine reassurance about their relationship, maybe she could show him that aloneness wasn’t that bad.
David shook his head at her words. “Ryley, I think you’re deluding yourself into thinking that you like being alone. It’s sad you have to think of yourself as your own best friend.”
She supposed he could be right, but she was too tired to continue this strain of conversation, so she let her eyes close softly instead. She did know she felt much emptier with him cuddled around her than she had ever felt by herself.
PART IV
APRIL
CHAPTER 19
APRIL 2009
Ryley sat in the car with her headphones blasting Adele at full volume. Not that Harrison had looked over at her even once in the last ten minutes. He thought her, depending on his mood that day, ungrateful or insane. At least, that’s what she could gather from his not-at-all subtle mutters during the rare moments when they occupied the same air space and she didn’t have her headphones in.
She had yelled at Harrison the morning after The Night with Josh, and when he had muttered about being too hungover to be shouted at, she had yelled at how he shouldn’t have drunk so much then.
Their mom had come in to see what all the ruckus was about and had immediately put two and two together, seeing Harrison clutching his head as he lay in bed, having only just slunk back into the house at ten that morning.
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