“Hm. Honestly, I don’t know if we ever got each other. I think I had a large part to play in that though.”
As Ryley opened her mouth to expand, David interjected, “What do you mean?” She finally let herself acknowledge how much he’d always liked to guide and control their conversations.
Ryley took a deep breath and continued, “Well, I was just about to tell you. I think I was so busy living for everyone else that I lost sight of who I was.”
“I can see that.”
“And how exactly can you see that?” Ryley echoed the words Olivia had said to her so long ago in response to just such a phrase.
“Well, you never opened up. I had a deeper relationship with my kindergarten girlfriend!”
Ryley didn’t laugh. “Okay, David. I don’t know if you ever actually tried to understand me, though. You were always trying to get me to match up to the ideal relationship you had in your head.”
He sighed. “Maybe, I don’t know. I guess we fundamentally weren’t right for each other at the end of the day.” Ryley swung one leg over the chipped green bench. David reached his hand out to rest lightly on hers, momentarily stilling her. “But wait. If you’re going to say I never even tried to understand you, then who are you?”
“I’m still figuring that out day by day, but it’s not who I’ve been. It’s not being the safest and most palatable option. It’s not always feeling like I should be the slightest bit more normal, more assimilated, just the slightest bit better.”
Swinging her other leg over the bench, she said, “We all contain multitudes, and I’m tired of pretending that’s not the case.” She couldn’t believe she had paraphrased Walt Whitman as her mic drop line.
In response, David simply said, “I’ll see you around.” He’d see her sooner than later, them being in the same friend group and all, but perhaps it was time for her to meet new people. She’d keep Mark and inevitably Harrison as well. She hadn’t offered Harrison an apology for storming off, but she had texted him a link to some street art prints last week. He’d responded instantly and had also seen fit to update their mother, who had immediately followed up on his message with a heart emoji, a turtle, and a shooting star. Again, Ryley would have preferred being equated to another animal, like a bald eagle or a phoenix, but she’d make do.
* * *
Ryley walked rapidly to the last negotiation class of the year. The conversation with David had taken longer than she had expected and she was running late.
She didn’t particularly mind that she wouldn’t have time to chit-chat with Olivia beforehand; over the last two weeks, both had earnestly kept to topics as mundane as how they liked to drink their tea. Ryley didn’t think they were in a fight, but she was taking the space to process things and Olivia seemed content to keep her emotional distance.
Ryley quickly dropped into the open seat next to Olivia just as Professor Poomin started speaking. Olivia’s posture remained stiff with her back unnaturally straight. Ryley whispered a slightly out-of-breath “Hi.”
Olivia merely looked over at her and gave her a small smile of acknowledgment.
Ryley asked, “Wait for me after class?”
Olivia kept the same placid smile on her face before murmuring, “Yeah, course I will.”
Ryley turned her attention back to the professor just as she partnered them up for their newest negotiation exercise. Ryley was annoyed to see she’d been partnered with Zeke once more. However, this time around, she found herself only slightly ruffled when he badgered her. Zeke was reckless and over-confident. Observing him now, she stayed calm and told herself that she didn’t need to reach a deal and said she was going to walk away. He was surprised. She was surprised. She’d become known as being very conciliatory. As she began to actually walk away from him, he finally called her back, realizing he could move to her and it wasn’t solely her responsibility to move to him. When they exited the conference hall and walked back into the classroom, she found she was finally free of the slight resentment she normally nursed; indeed, for the first time, both she and Zeke looked at each other with genuine respect. When they shared the results in class, the wink Professor Poomin gave her was all she needed. Ryley was thrilled.
As Ryley waited for Olivia to finish packing, she couldn’t stop shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
Finally, Olivia came to stand near Ryley. “So, what’s up? Glad to almost be done with One-L?”
“Yeah, it ended up flying by.”
“I’m sure. Are you nervous for exams?”
Ryley couldn’t help the slight twitch of her shoulder. The conversation felt stilted and generic.
“Yes, but at the end of the day, either I’ll do well or I won’t. And either way, I’ll still be standing and have two more years to learn what they want. Like you said at the Harvard-Yale game: there are so many ways to do things to make something of myself.” Ryley looked over at Olivia as she finished her little monologue and was heartened to finally see a genuine smile though Olivia kept her gaze facing forward.
“Well, look at you being all zen,” Olivia said but offered no further follow-up, content to let the sound of their feet pounding down the gray marble stairs be the only thing breaking the silence. Soon they’d be separating. Ryley clenched her fist, unclenched it, and then when they reached the bottom, before they’d swing open the double doors to brave the no longer terrible cold, Ryley said, “Wait. I broke up with David.”
Olivia nodded, unsurprised, though she stopped walking, sitting down on the bench offset to the side instead. She was stiff with her arms crossed in front of her.
“What, you have nothing to say? Why are you being so weird?” Ryley settled down to sit next to her.
“I’m not being weird. I think I’ve been a bit too pushy lately and you seemed like you wanted space, so I wanted to give it to you.” Olivia finally turned to look at her, her dark chocolate eyes contrite and her lips slightly downturned.
Ryley hurried to assure her, reaching out her hand to lightly squeeze Olivia’s wrist. Olivia looked at her visibly surprised; Ryley never initiated contact.
“No, you were fine. You were right about David and me all along. I was just staying with him for the sake of feeling like I was doing life right; like I was walking the same successful path as everyone else.”
Olivia nodded, but she was still sitting too straight, as if on a marionette string.
Before Ryley could say anything else, Cassidy exited the elevator directly across from the bench on which they were perched. Upon seeing the two of them sitting there, she paused and asked, “Ryley, are you coming to David’s pregame tonight?”
“Nope, I’m going to sit this one out.” She was tired of the games. Cassidy knew Ryley and David were giving each other space in the immediate aftermath of their breakup.
Cassidy hesitated and tucked a chunk of her hair behind her ear before saying, “Okay, if you’re sure. I feel like this is going to be one of those nights that define One-L.”
Ryley simply gave her a nod and a wave in response. Cassidy began walking away, and then, when she’d almost reached the door to exit the building, she suddenly stopped.
Swiveling her body back around, she said, “If you’re not feeling like tonight is in the cards, I’d love to get coffee with you tomorrow. If you’re up for it. I want to make sure I’m up-to-date with all my friends.”
Ryley shot her a much more genuine, warm smile as she said, “Sure, I’d like that.” She had no doubts that their relationship would continue to have its ups and downs, but so long as they remained equals, she’d be there for all of them.
After Cassidy walked away, Ryley would have been happy to spend the next ten minutes basking in quiet, contented self-admiration.
Olivia, however, had other ideas, so she broke the silence. “What are you going to do tonight if David’s is not an option?”
“Nothing.” The glee with which she said the word made Olivia flinch in surprise before a slow, stead
y smile unfurled on Olivia’s face.
“Sounds like a good Thursday night.”
“Yeah. Look, I want to thank you. Although your methods could really use some work, that Supergirl clip finally pushed me over the edge and I had the panic attack I’ve been on the verge of having for the last three months. I feel clearer now.”
“Oh. Well, I’m sorry you had a panic attack, but it’s good to hear that you feel clear?”
“Clearer. I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am, but there was at least some truth to what you said at Formal. I’ll just have to figure out how much.”
Olivia gave her a kind smile and lightly squeezed her arm before stepping back. “Take your time. There’s no rush for any of this.”
Ryley nodded in response, and through unspoken accord, the two girls decided to get up and make their way over to the door.
As they stepped outside into the only slightly windy night, Olivia turned to Ryley and asked, “But you’re happy now?”
For the first time, without having to think about it and without having to compare her life to all the grand dreams she’d had for herself, Ryley said, “Yeah, I am.” She was finally just living day to day—living for herself.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
There are so many people who have been essential to shaping me into the person I am today and I am eternally grateful for their mentorship and love. For the purposes of keeping this page relatively concise, I will focus on thanking people who directly contributed to making this book possible.
Thank you to Eric Koester for giving me the opportunity to join the Creator’s Institute Program and to my editors, Karina Agbisit and Joanna Hatzikazakis, who were so crucial in helping me to shape this story. I am also incredibly grateful to Brian Bies, Kristy Carter, and the rest of the wonderful team at New Degree Press for making this manuscript a reality.
Thank you to Anna Goldberg, Anna Sarin, Bennett Levine, Colette Gilner, Connor Bernstein, Dana Bulik, Fergal Seiferth, Lakshmi Kumar, Lauren Li, and Morgan Franklin who were amazing and gave me their in-depth thoughts on my manuscript when I gave them an incredibly tight turnaround time.
And thank you foremost to my family: my twin brother, my older sister, my father, and my mother. They were incredibly patient and giving of their time, reading numerous drafts and spit-balling ideas with me. They also consistently provided me with support and encouragement, even when I was at my moodiest. So, although there were numerous times they wanted to kill me (they told me so), my being alive today to write this page is a testament to their self-restraint and love.
Lastly, I am immeasurably grateful to all the law school friends who talked with me about their experiences at Harvard, the high school friends who talked with me about their experiences at Harvard-Westlake, and all the friends who ever talked with me about their feelings of being the “other.” All those late-night two a.m. conversations contributed to making this book possible; thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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