by Sosie Frost
Love you.
Marius gritted his teeth. Pained. “All I want is to get lost inside you. To fuck to you. To punish you for being patient, kind…generous.”
“It’s not a punishment to be in your arms.”
“Not for you…but every night I’m in hell.”
God, what had happened to this man? He’d been alone for so long, pushing everyone away, denying himself even the most superficial of comfort.
What had he lost overseas?
What was he trying to prove?
I pulled him over me, wrapping my legs around his waist. He entered me with a single, harsh thrust. Head to hilt. The complete slice of my aching, silken slick.
The strike stole my breath, but I arched, determined to take him all.
And it only made Marius hate himself more.
He ground against me, pushing hard, punishing me for daring to ask for the entire length of his monstrous cock. I couldn’t breathe, but words escaped me anyway.
Why speak when I could moan?
Why admit my feelings when I could hide in pleasure?
Three words. Three silly little words. They might have soothed the rutting beast ramming inside me.
Or they might have destroyed him forever.
I didn’t speak, terrified of what I might learn. Who was this man I loved?
A stranger in my heart.
A beast in my bed.
The man of my dreams.
The biggest mistake of my life.
My whisper ached with every pounded thrust. “You have to let me in, Marius.”
He grunted, sweat beading his brow. He didn’t slow his pace, and he refused to look at me. His eyes shut, and he clenched the comforter as he drew his hips into mine. The position hurt him. Always did. Standing at the edge of the bed, refusing to relax, to accept my help.
I would’ve offered to get on top, but he never would have allowed that loss of control. It was as if the suggestion humiliated him. Damned him.
But I didn’t care about the leg.
I only wanted the man.
A dangerous pleasure sliced through me. It captured my voice, strained my breath in my chest, and weakened me to his desire. I arched as he thrust into me. Harder. Faster. Desperate and delightful.
I was so close to coming…so close to escaping to that perfect, blissful oblivion where fears and anxieties and insecurities couldn’t find us.
But I didn’t surrender to it. Couldn’t. Not before I said it. Not before he knew how I felt.
“Marius…”
With a frustrated profanity, he captured my mouth in his. He couldn’t hear my words, but he tasted them. Every breath, every swipe of my tongue, every nibble of my lips.
“Don’t…” He pleaded with me.
“Please, Marius.”
“Don’t say it.”
“Then feel it.”
With a furious slam, he struck the bed with his fist. It didn’t slow his assault, only infuriated him. His strides thrashed quick, wild. He buried himself inside me, but each new grunt only drove him further from me.
My heart ached.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. He refused to hold me. “We can do this. We can work through it together.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I tried to push away, but he didn’t let me. He crossed my arms over my chest and pinned me beneath him. His strokes drove into me as fiercely and angrily as he could move.
His jaw clenched.
And his eyes…
I’d never seen him so broken.
“Just come for me.” His whisper rasped the words from reluctant lips. “Come for me, Gretchen. Please. Once more.”
Like I could resist him. I tried to fight the pleasure. I bit my lip. Rolled my hips. Nothing stopped his relentless assault. Nothing tempered that surging, crashing, boiling heat destroying me from within.
“Why only once?” I groaned. “We have all the time in the world. Now. Months from now. We’ll have DC…”
His expression twisted.
Words lowered.
Thrusts slowed.
“I’m not taking the job.”
My heart nearly stopped. “You’re…not?”
His voice lowered. “I don’t need a baby anymore, Gretchen…and you don’t need me.”
He leaned down and stole my shock with a kiss. His ragged breath dragged from his lungs, and his heart beat out-of-sync with mine.
What was happening?
Marius pressed hard against my hips and demanded the pleasure from me. I refused. I fought. I begged for answers.
But I couldn’t resist him. His touch thrilled me, his cock stretched me, and his wild, raging motions tore through my every defense.
He wasn’t just hiding anymore. He was running. And I could do nothing to stop him.
The orgasm rushed through me. Cold. Harsh. Ripped from my unwilling core with a cry of dismay.
My body tensed, desperate to be held, caressed, cherished. He offered me nothing, just the fierce throbbing of his hardened cock. The damn bliss raked through me. I bit my lip until I tasted blood, but the shivers crippled me. Again and again. More intense than before. A crash of ecstasy shredded my sanity and reduced me to tears.
Marius held me tight as he jetted inside me.
For the last time.
He hardly finished before he backed away. Running already.
His hands trembled as he rebuttoned his pants and slipped into the shadows.
I stared at him, gasping for air. “What are you doing? You didn’t take the job?”
He rubbed his face. It didn’t help. His expression had twisted, disgusted and dark with shame.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ve done enough to you.”
I wasn’t letting him do this. “You haven’t done a thing to me, Marius Payne. Nothing I didn’t ask for. Nothing I didn’t want.”
His stare was lost in a misery I couldn’t dispel. “You might feel that way now, but in the future…you’re gonna realize what I did. How I took advantage of you. What I stole from you. I lied to you. I’ve ruined you.”
“I am not ruined! This was about us, Marius. About a baby—”
“—I don’t want a baby.”
“But...”
“I don’t want to put you through this. I…can’t…do this to you anymore.” His words broke. “I’m so sorry, Gretchen.”
“Marius…”
“I’m a selfish, terrible man, and I should have let you go weeks ago. But I was weak. You were so goddamned beautiful, and I had to feel you one last time.”
I stood, but my legs weakened. I nearly collapsed to the floor. “Don’t you dare walk away from me.”
“It was stupid, Gretchen. Idiotic. All of it. It was a mistake to even try to bring a child into this world, and I’m just…”
“Don’t say it.”
“I’m relieved it never happened.”
I sunk onto the bed. My nudity offended me now, suddenly crass and dirty. I lifted the comforter, but my arms didn’t have the strength to cover myself.
“Don’t say that,” I whispered. “God, Marius. Do you even hear yourself? Tell me what’s wrong!”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me…”
“For what?”
He refused to answer. “Don’t forgive me. Just…forget me.”
He said nothing else, didn’t even look back before he walked out of my life forever.
I’d had him in my bed, but I’d taken him into my soul. I’d loved him. Ached for him. Came for him.
And I’d never felt so empty.
This wasn’t the way I was supposed to love.
And this wasn’t the way it was supposed to end.
For so long, I’d fantasized about falling in love…
But I’d never imagined how easily my heart could break.
20
Marius
Wasn’t it enough that I woke up sober?
Which jackass stole my leg?
I crawled out of the shower. Real dignified. At least my asshole brothers left me a towel.
Where the fuck was my cane? If I still had one. I’d broken the last one in a fit a rage. Happened to splinter over my good knee. Not like it mattered. I didn’t want to be seen with the damn thing anyway. Made me look weak. At least I could hide the miserable prosthetic by wearing pants.
This felt like something Quint would do. The little prick probably stole the leg thinking it’d be good for a laugh. Then again, I didn’t put it past Tidus either. He got off on pissing with people. Didn’t get enough attention as a kid so he took it all as an adult.
I didn’t bother with the shirt and just shoved my stump through a pair of jeans. The wall worked as a crutch. I hobbled to the kitchen.
“Where the fuck is my leg?”
I hadn’t expected the entire family to greet me with scowls, crossed arms, and a bottle of Jack. And I really didn’t like that my young, impressionable, innocent little sister already wagged her finger in my face.
“Why don’t you check by the bag you packed?” Cassi asked.
She was five foot nothing and full of sass. She wouldn’t have made it through the SEALs, but she’d scare the piss out of my squad.
She crossed her arms. “You were just gonna leave, weren’t you?”
I didn’t answer. This enraged her. She spun to address my brothers, smacking my chest in the process. She liked the solid thwap so much she did it twice.
“Can you believe him?” She groaned and checked her phone. “You guys—take care of this. I have to go get Rem and make sure his nieces are presentable for their court date. But when I get back?” Cassi scowled at me. “I better see your clothes back in the drawers and your ass on the couch.”
She stormed out of the kitchen. The door slammed behind her.
Good. Now I didn’t need to worry about bloodshed in front of a lady.
Julian shouldn’t have bothered. He poured a shot of whiskey and downed it just as fast.
“You better figure your shit out quick,” he said. “I got a baby alpaca who's just as irritable as her mother, a three-legged goat who nearly choked on a petticoat, and a blind rooster humping every fence post thinking it’s my goddamned chicken—the one who still isn’t laying eggs. I don’t have time to herd any more fucked up animals. Just admit that you’re being an asshole and help me take care of this farm.”
Welcome home.
I snorted. “Can’t imagine why I’d want to leave.”
Tidus clapped a hand on Varius’s shoulder. “You handle this, preacher man. Gonna need an exorcism to get him to see the light.”
I swore. “Oh, that’s great. You crawled out of the gutter to judge me this morning?”
Varius sighed. “This is supposed to be an intervention, Marius. Generally, we don’t insult one another.”
Quint shrugged. “The insults are the only reason I’m here.”
“An intervention?” I frowned. “For what?”
“You’re planning on leaving,” Julian said. “And not for the right reasons.”
Was he joking? “Now you think it’s unreasonable that I want to leave this fucking farm? Where the hell were you fifteen years ago when I joined the Navy?”
Varius never got angry. Would’ve liked him more if he cracked once in a while. “You left in the middle of the night. Ran away. Didn’t even tell us you were enlisting.”
“We’re all men here,” I said. “What did you need? A hug and kiss?”
“A goodbye’s not that unreasonable when someone is trying to die.” Julian had a bad habit of thinking the shit he said was real prophetic. “Guess what? You almost did. And you probably still regret it.”
“Regret what?”
Varius answered for him. “Living.”
My brother was so concerned for everybody else’s soul that he lost grip on reality. “Fuck off.”
“You never thought you were gonna come back,” Varius said.
Quint and Tidus quieted. Julian agreed with Varius, but even he didn’t have the balls to say it.
I kept my voice even. “Is that what this is about? Are you all pissed I ran off to join the Navy? I knew it was a dangerous job. I knew that becoming a SEAL would mean putting my life on the line. I did it anyway.”
“Isn’t that convenient?” Tidus asked.
I’d made it thirty-three years before I’d learned what my brothers actually thought of me. “You’re saying I wanted to die?”
Varius met my gaze. “You tell us.”
Christ. “Quit the bullshit. You gave up the right to those sanctimonious questions when you pitched your holy book, preacher.”
“Doesn’t make the teachings any less important.”
“You’re gonna lecture me on trying to stay alive? You’re gonna look me dead in the eye and rant about the value of life? Christ, V. I was the one getting calls half a world away about you.” I pointed at Julian. “Did you tell him, Jules? Did you tell him how you thought you’d walk down to the basement one day and find him hanging from his own belt?”
Varius didn’t deny it. “Then you know what I’m saying is true.”
The honesty stunned me, but I didn’t let it show. Just scoffed. Pretended that it didn’t matter. That it didn’t bother me.
Like always.
Varius could comfort us or scare the shit out of us with the same breath. How the hell did he stay so fucking calm?
“I shared that pain, dealt with the same problems,” Varius said. “But I didn’t go to the Navy to meet my end. Hell found me. The day that tornado swept through…” He paused. “When it ripped through the church? I wished I’d met my end right then and there. I felt the same way you did. It’s self-destruction, Marius.”
I shrugged. “And what am I destroying? What life do I have? What job? What fucking purpose? If you can answer that, I’ll sit down with you and read that whole goddamned book with you, preacher. But you know the truth. I’d be better off a bloodstain the desert than taking another breath of air. There’s nothing for me for me here.”
Quint tended to be optimistic. Inherited it from Mom. “You’ve got a family here, jackass.”
“Because we’re such a big happy family, aren’t we?” I gestured towards Julian. “How’s the farm coming? The crops? The animals?”
Julian never took any bullshit from me. “It’d be a lot easier if I had some fucking help.”
“You’ve got a lot of family, apparently.”
Julian frowned. “I got so little help from this family I had to go make my own. It’d be nice to have a plan for this place before my child is born. Be even nicer to know I could rely on someone else around here once the next generation of Paynes hits the farm.”
Yeah.
His child.
A new generation.
Julian had been first, but he wouldn’t be the last. It was a goddamned miracle Tidus hadn’t knocked up a girl yet. And Quint had always talked about a big family. Cassi was already making doe eyes at Rem even though she spent every hour of the day helping him with his nieces.
Everyone would be having kids soon. A big fucking happy family.
Except for me.
It wasn’t fucking fair. The world had already taken my leg and career. What had I done so wrong in my life that I’d been refused that guaranteed aspect of manhood?
And why had I broken Gretchen’s heart by promising her that happiness?
“You know I wasn’t meant to stay on this farm,” I said. “Dad figured that out years ago. This place was yours, Jules. From the beginning. Every last acre, every blade of grass. Dad wanted you to have it, not me.”
Julian poured another shot, passing it my way. “I don’t see Dad around here anymore, do you?”
“Bullshit,” I said. “Everything you’re doing here, everything you’re fixing and renovating and building is to honor his memory.”
Julian heaved a breath. “Maybe it was. Once. But now? I got a baby on the way in a month. And I
got a farm full of good soil ready to provide for this family. Screw Dad’s plans for this land. Everything I’m doing now, I do for the family. And you have a place here with us, whether you believe it or not.”
“Doesn’t mean I gotta stay here.”
Quint swore, pushing away from the table. “Christ, man. Do you hate us that much?”
My youngest brother had been a kid when I’d left. Scrawny. A hair over ten years old. He’d been closer to Cassi growing up, since he was about her age. And he’d kept close to Mom, taking it hard when she’d died. But we’d always kept an eye on him, all of us. Especially after he got diagnosed with a diabetes. Type I bullshit. Made his childhood a living hell.
“I don’t hate any of you.” Fucking ridiculous that I even had to say it. “But I gotta start my own life over again—and I gotta do it away from Butterpond. Away from Dad. Away from the expectations.”
Away from her.
“Is that why you broke it off with Gretchen?” Varius asked.
Christ. “You don’t know anything about us.”
Tidus skipped the tumbler and took a swig directly from the whiskey bottle. “Don’t need to know much. The walls ain’t thick around here, Casanova. And she always seemed pretty damn excited to stay the night with you.”
Yeah. I’d made sure of it.
That wound hurt more than the leg. “We had something. It’s over now.”
Julian arched an eyebrow. “You were trying to have a kid.”
News to Quint and Tidus, but Varius wasn’t surprised. Didn’t mean I was ready to explain myself to him. Or that I could explain that pain. That frustration.
That failure.
“It wasn’t for the right reasons,” I said.
Varius sighed. “You were going to have a child to look more approachable for the job, weren’t you? So you could look like a well-adjusted asshole?”
“I’m perfectly adjusted.”
“Like hell you are.”
Wasn’t he the one who’d told me to settle down? Find a girl? Start a family?
Jesus.
“Look, Gretchen and I tried,” I said. “Then we decided it wasn’t worth the hassle.”
Varius frowned. “You’re gonna need more than a baby to prove to anyone that you’ve healed. Keep lying. It won’t fool anyone. I told you months ago—take it easy, rest, figure your life out. And what did you do?”