by Caroline Lee
His stare was deep and compelling, forcing her to remember that Kiss almost against her will. Her pulse began to pound against her temples, and she felt dizzy. Would he kiss her again? Would it evoke the same heat, the same longing?
“Oh my dear, my precious one. I have loved you for years beyond counting. I know not when I first looked into your lovely eyes and fell, seeing the real you, but it was soon after we met. You ceased to be merely a friend, and became the woman I would marry.”
Her breath caught when he grabbed her hands, and then exploded out of her in a sound that was half-sob and half-laugh. How had he known? How had he known her exact feeling? “Oh! I have loved you for just as long! Longer, even. From the moment I saw you, I knew that you were the most wonderful man in the world!”
Crushing her to his wide chest, his voice rumbling against her ear, he whispered, “Marry me, my love. Stand by my side forever.”
Wendy smiled wryly and put down the pencil. Removing her spectacles, she rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. The beauty of being a writer was that she could create scenarios completely removed from reality. Her Hero and Heroine might love one another, but she had only Serena’s claim that Nate loved her, since he’d never said anything outright to her. Her story and real life had diverged. Marriage wasn’t in the future for Nate and her… he’d never indicated that he had any interest. They were friends, and deep friendship often seemed like love.
But in the back of her mind was a little voice telling her that “friends” didn’t kiss each other the way Nate had kissed her, and didn’t make her feel the way he did.
Nate’s kisses were… special. Magical? When she was in his arms, she felt complete. She felt like he made her whole again. No other kiss—no other experience in her years since she left Cheyenne—had made her feel that way. Nothing else had ever felt so right.
Steven’s kisses had made her feel hot and excited, and desirable. That had been important to the girl she’d been; the girl who’d spent two years in the big city, staring wide-eyed at the decadence around her. He’d swept in, debonair and smooth, and she’d been desperate for a friend. But he’d wanted more than friendship, and it hadn’t taken long for his smiles and teasing to turn to kisses and caresses. And she’d been completely enthralled by the way he made her feel, the way her body responded to him.
It hadn’t taken long for him to invite himself into her bed. She’d been shocked at first, but he’d made her feel so good, and her objections had thawed in the heat of his onslaughts. She’d welcomed him into her arms and bed and had been overwhelmed by his passion.
After all, he was the perfect gentleman, and the perfect match for a young lady like her. She had been sure that a marriage proposal would be forthcoming.
But as the weeks turned into months, and Steven hadn’t mentioned anything about the future while continuing to come to her bed as often as possible… Wendy began to have her doubts. One evening she confronted him, while he was redressing, leaving her reclined on the bed like a satiated nymph. But when she’d mentioned marriage, he’d laughed.
“Marry you? Oh sweet, simple Wendy.” Suddenly, his smile hadn’t seemed quite so suave anymore, and Wendy had sat up, pulling the sheets up to her chest as a sort of protection. “I’m the Blakely heir, and you’re a tutor.” He crossed quickly and lifted her chin for a quick, hard kiss. “I’m engaged to father’s partner’s daughter. We’re going to be married and build a business empire, apparently.” Wendy had tried to focus on his smile, but it was hard past the pounding in her ears. He was to be married to someone else, and he’d known it the whole time.
Still smiling, Steven had sauntered to the door of her small room. “That’s not to say that I haven’t thoroughly enjoyed the last weeks, Wendy. You’re a delightful romp in the sack, as they say.” He’d winked then, and the part of her that could still think had been mortified that he’d relegated everything that they’d shared to a mere “romp in the sack”. Lowered her to a “romp”.
“You’re engaged?” Her voice had sounded weak, even to her.
“You’re surprised? I don’t see why. Everyone in the family knows it. One of these years I’ll even get around to marrying the girl, I suppose. In the meantime,” He’d blown her a kiss, and she didn’t even try to hide her disgust, “I take my amusements where I can, and you were very amusing, Wendy.”
Oh God. He’d been engaged the entire time. He’d had no interest in her as a potential wife, had no intent of asking for her. Steven had just been toying with her, and she’d gone along to her own ruin happily, with open arms.
Wendy had claimed an illness the following day, and stayed in her room. She’d done a lot of thinking, and vowed that she’d deny Steven the next time he approached her. It had been hard, to turn him away, especially since he knew her body so well. He’d known exactly where to kiss her to make her whimper, but she had been strong and turned him away. And the next time, too.
But then the fates conspired to take matters out of her hands, and she could no longer avoid him. She had to see him.
It was the results of that final, devastating confrontation that meant that she was no longer a fit wife for anyone. No longer worthy of a man as good as Nate.
Optimistic about her future? Wendy sighed. She would never be able to be truly happy; her naiveté and stubbornness assured that. She would never have the loving husband and joyful home her sister had… but maybe now that she was here, she’d be able to put her mistakes behind her. She could focus on her writing, and live a quiet life, peaceful and alone.
She tried not to think about how empty that made her feel inside.
Chapter 14
Wendy opened the door to his knock this time. He knew the Carderocks had their own servants, but maybe both of them were busy elsewhere. Or maybe she’d been waiting by the door for him to arrive. Or maybe pigs could fly.
“Hi Nate.” That sweet little smile, half shy, half hopeful, made him ache.
“Hi Wendy.”
And just like that, things were simple again, like they used to be.
Her hand was still on the door, and he watched as she rested her cheek against her fingers and looked him up and down, like she was thinking about something else. “You’re wearing your normal clothes again.”
She’d noticed? “Yeah. It seemed appropriate, being back home and all.” She still looked like a refined lady who belonged in a city like Cheyenne.
Apparently noticing that they were standing there with the door open, Wendy shook herself slightly. “Come in. Everyone’s in the parlor. Luncheon will be soon.”
He slipped past her, pulling off his hat as he did so. She didn’t back away to give him room, and he liked that. They ended up standing in the foyer, dark after the glare of the sun outside, inches apart. “You looked silly in that bowler hat, anyhow.” Her whisper made him smile.
“Oh yeah?” He whispered back around his grin. “You didn’t think to mention that before I paraded all over town in it?”
Her pink tongue darted out to sweep unconsciously over her lips, and Nate stifled a groan at her accidental sexiness. “No, you fit in there. You looked like you belonged.” She reached up and brushed a finger against his shorn hair, lying flat against the back of his ears now. “But it wasn’t you.”
He swallowed heavily, surprised to be having this conversation here, and now. “I never fit in, Wendy. I was always an outsider.”
This time her smile was sad, as she laid her palm against his cheek. “Thank you for trying for my sake, though.” His hands ached to grab her, to press her to him, but he just clutched the brim of his hat harder, forcing himself to stay still. “Promise me that you’ll grow it out again?”
“My hair?”
A nod. “It’s part of who you are, Nate. I don’t want you changing.”
“Not even for you?”
Her hand dropped and she looked away. Her voice was harsh, choked when she answered, “Especially not for me.”
He couldn’
t stop himself from grabbing her hand and forcing her to look at him. “You’re worth changing for, Wendy.” There were tears in her eyes, and he hated them. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I acted like… like a savage.”
“That’s not why I was angry.”
“I know, I think.” He took a deep breath when she looked away again. “You are so strong, so brave, and had made yourself a life all by yourself, and I took that away. I’m not sorry you had to come back home, but I am sorry I caused you so much hurt.”
She nodded, woodenly. “Thank you for understanding.”
“That’s what friends are for.”
She glanced back at him. “Is that what we are? Friends?”
“Forever, Wendy. But…” He was gripping her hand now, like a lifeline, desperate to get it said, and terrified that if he let go, if he held her the way he wanted to, it would push her away. “But more, too. We could be more…”
The door from the parlor burst open then, and Serena pulled Sebastian through, laughing gaily. There was brightness and cheer and sparkly decorations in the room behind them, and it spilled into the foyer in their wake. “Luncheon is ready, you two! Stop sulking out here and come celebrate! It’s Christmas Eeeeeee—!”
Serena’s cajoling turned to a squeal as her husband pulled her beneath the mistletoe hanging from the chandelier, and kissed her soundly. Nate grinned at their enthusiasm, and soon Agnes was heckling the pair. “Honestly, boy, let her come up for air!”
Sebastian did, and even Nate had to admit that Serena looked disoriented when she patted her bun back into place. Her husband glanced up at the chandelier and grinned. “I knew buying all of those bunches was a good idea.”
“For you, maybe!” Agatha poked him in the chest as she swept past on her way to the dining room. “But the rest of us have almost lost our breakfasts from the disgusting noises you two keep making under them. One in every room, honestly…”
Her sister grinned as she followed. “She’s just jealous that Ian’s not here.” Nate was jealous too. He was already wondering if he could maneuver Wendy under one of the bunches of mistletoe Sebastian had obviously spread around the house. “…And if she did lose her breakfast, she’d eat a double portion of luncheon.”
The last part was louder than necessary, to ensure that Agatha heard. The door swung shut behind Agnes as Nate heard a “Well, I never” from her sister in the dining room.
Serena giggled, and placed a quick kiss on Sebastian’s cheek. “I like them, husband.”
“I know.” His smile was satisfied, and proud. Annie snorted and rolled her eyes, and they all chuckled. After the others had started for the dining room, Nate shrugged out of his duster and scarf, leaving them on a back of a chair, and offered his arm to Wendy. She placed her hand on it, and he wanted her to press against him, like they did in St. Louis. But for now, this would do. He led her into luncheon.
The meal was… fun. Even Wendy laughed at Serena’s aunts’ antics and teasing, and they all shared memories of past Christmases. With Nate, Wendy and Annie all there, naturally discussion turned to celebrations at the Barker ranch. They all enjoyed regaling their hosts with stories of Christmases snowed in together, and that one unseasonably warm year where the snowmelt turned everything to slushy mud, and their traditions. Sebastian told them all about celebrations in New York City, and Wendy even shared some descriptions of decorations and parades in St. Louis. The rest of them hung on the accounts of holidays in the big cities.
After the meal, they moved in a group to the front parlor, where the last, largest Christmas tree waited untrimmed. Apparently it was a tradition in Sebastian’s family to wait until Christmas Eve to decorate the tree, and while Serena couldn’t wait that long for the rest of the decorations, she consented to leave one tree undecorated. Nate had to admit that it was a nice tradition, to ensure that the tree and the garland lasted until the twelfth day of Christmas. And being with the larger group, swapping jokes and sharing treats, reminded him of Christmases with Molly and Ash… and Wendy.
Glancing at where she stood, helping her sister position tiny perfect candles in tiny perfect tin angels to clip to the branches, he realized how thankful he was to be able to spend another Christmas with her. And how much he wanted to spend more Christmases with her… all of them.
The thought of marrying Wendy, and getting to spend the rest of his life with her, made him feel… well, it made his chest tight and his stomach flop and his spirits soar. He loved her, and wanted to experience all of life with her.
Just thinking of having her forever made Nate smile, and he snagged her hand the next time she brushed past him on her way to the pile of ornaments. Ignoring her sound of confusion, he pulled her towards the door and out into the foyer, drawing to a halt under the bunch of mistletoe hanging from the chandelier. Then he swung her around into his arms, and decided that he loved the way her brows drew together that way when she was irritated.
“What are you doing?” She hissed at him, trying to twist around to see if their hosts had noticed their absence.
“Are you still mad at me, Wendy?”
“What? Yes! I was busy! Let me go.”
“No.” He dropped a quick kiss to her lips, and that shut her up. He pulled back before either could start enjoying it, but now she looked confused rather than upset. “I meant, are you still angry at me for getting you kicked out of the Blakelys’ house, and losing your job, and making you come back to Cheyenne?”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Yes.”
“Hmmm.” He dropped another kiss on her lips. “What if we separate those things?”
“What?”
“Are you still angry that I lost you your job and your place to stay?”
“Yes…”
“And are you angry that you had to come back home?”
He saw her lips forming the word ‘yes’, and decided not to give her the chance to lie. He kissed her then, like he’d wanted to for days, like he had on the Blakelys’ front porch last Friday. He kissed her like a man kisses a woman he’d been dreaming about for years. And he felt it, clear down into his stomach.
Dear God, he loved this woman.
When he finally let her breathe, she clung to him, and he was proud of that fact. And as soon as he could get his own breath and knees under control, he might crow about that a bit. But for now, he just gazed down at her, hoping that she saw everything that he was feeling in his eyes.
“Why did you do that, Nate?”
Leave it to Wendy get ask questions at a time like this. She pushed her spectacles back up her nose, and peered seriously at him. He sighed
“Because you were going to tell me that you were angry that you were here.”
“I forgive you.”
It wasn’t I’m not angry, but even better.
“For everything?”
She shrugged. “Why did you kiss me?”
Still holding her, he pointed one long finger upwards, and liked the way she had to tilt her head back to see around him.
“Oh. Mistletoe.”
“Handy little plant, huh?”
“I always wondered why Molly hung some over the back door.”
“I spent the last two Christmases you were home trying to figure out ways to lure you back there.”
His confession shocked her. Hell, it shocked him. Those had been stupid dreams, back when he was sure she saw him as nothing more than a friend. “Really? You wanted to…?”
“Kiss you? Sure, Wendy.” Her eyes were wide behind the glasses, and he resisted the urge to kiss her again. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for…” He shifted awkwardly, embarrassed to be telling her his secret. “Well, since I met you. Do you remember when I first saw you?”
“In the train station. I didn’t believe you were Ash’s brother.”
“And I thought you were about the prettiest thing I’d ever seen in my life.”
She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Her brows were drawn in now, confused
and worried. He tightened his grip on her, but didn’t let himself kiss her again. He had to get this said.
“I knew from that first Christmas that I’d never be worthy of you, Wendy. You were smart and beautiful and kind and funny, and deserved someone so much better than me. But I couldn’t make myself care about that, and I… I fell in love with you that year. And the next. And… I’d never had a friend like you, Wendy, and you’ve meant more to me that you could imagine. I’ve been dreaming of kissing you for eight years.”
She was pale now, and suddenly he was concerned she might faint, even though she’d never fainted before in her life. “I’ve loved you for years, Wendy, and I don’t care that you deserve more. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.”
She let out a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and tried to push away from him, but he wouldn’t let her. Holding her against him, he tried not to feel like she was rejecting him and his love. She stopped struggling and rested her cheek against his shoulder, and while he liked having her there, he wished he could see her expression.
“You’re wrong, Nate.”
“Wrong that I love you? How do you know?”
“Wrong that you’re not worthy of me. Wrong that I deserve more. I could never in a million years deserve someone as kind and strong and honorable as you. I’ve…” her voice cracked. “I’ve lost my chance at happiness, Nate.”
He cursed, and putting his hand under her chin, lifted her mouth to his. He let all of his frustration and longing and love pour into the kiss, and felt her melt under him. Her hands twisted into his shirt-front, and he smiled against her lips when he felt her tongue match his in their frantic dance.
It was a long time before they pulled apart, breathless. He dropped his forehead to hers, and inhaled her scent. “You’re wrong, Wendy. I love you, and you’ll always be the only woman for me.” She shuddered in his arms, but he tightened his hold. “And don’t deny it. You feel it too, don’t you?”