“How long do these things last?” Holly puts her hand behind her head and stares at the dark disk of the moon.
“Total eclipses last a little less than two hours.”
“Wow.” She sits up suddenly and looks down at him. “This evening…I expected a fancy dinner, some overpriced place, but this is beyond anything I could’ve imagined.”
“I did good?”
“You did very well.” Her spiral curls tumble over her shoulders and spill down the front of her glittery shirt. Shadows conceal her face, but he doesn’t need to see to feel her beauty. That’s when it hits him; what’s different about Holly.
All the girls that came before had been nothing but gorging on junk food. He’s sick of the easy lays, quick fucks, and countless nights with nameless chicks. He wants a relationship he can savor, like a unique meal and exceptional desert. The physical fucking and all the rest takes the edge off, but never satisfies the yearning inside for more. Not one of the girls he’s ever been with have shown him their soul. Holly’s shines with a brilliance that can’t be contained. She’s pure, honest, and free with her thoughts. Around her, the physical act of breathing seems easier.
“I don’t want this to end.” He grabs her hand and places it against his chest. “You do things to me. Make me want things I never thought I needed.”
“Sebastian…” There’s a hesitation to her voice he’s not ready to hear.
“Please tell me you feel this? You and I, there’s a connection. It’s more than physical. It’s soul deep.”
She sits back and withdraws her hand. “You’re incredible…Sebastian, you really are.”
“I sense a but coming on.”
“Not a but, but caution.”
“I’m moving too fast? Because I have to tell you, I’ve never moved this slow with a girl.” He cringes as soon as the words are out, afraid how she’ll react, but there’s no pulling them back out of the air.
“I know, and I really appreciate it.”
“But…”
“Let me tell you a little about myself and how I need this to go. Maybe you’ll prove me wrong, but I’m unlucky in love.”
“I refuse to believe that.”
“Okay, hang on.”
He doesn’t want to hang on to anything except Holly, and she’s pulling further and further away. He should kiss her, shut her up, silence her doubts, and then what? He can’t smother her thoughts, and it’s not like he can fuck it out of her. He’s given his word, at least for tonight. Reluctantly, he threads his fingers together and places them behind his head, locking away the tension rising in his body.
“First, we flirt,” she begins. “It’s fun, exciting, and we grow close.”
“That’s usually what happens.” That’s what makes it exciting.
“But the closeness will trigger panic inside of me. It’s not something I control. I’ll grow cold, like ice, and I’ll pull away. I’ll push you away. And I’ll hurt you. I won’t want to, but it’ll happen. I’ll force distance between us; to make it easier to walk away.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know how to do this, and it’s not easy to talk about.”
Except she’s doing exactly that right now. She’s talking, and he senses she may have never done this before. That gives him hope. He says nothing, giving her time to gather her thoughts and continue.
“When the fear of getting hurt again passes, I’ll realize what I did. I might even try to come back to you. I’ll be warm, affectionate, and overcompensate for the guilt I feel. I’ll worry that I lost you, that I pushed you into another woman’s arms. I’ll come back, guns blazing, and do things I shouldn’t. I’ll embarrass myself. I’m the worst kind of woman because all you’ll get from me is cold and hot.”
Like fire and ice.
He understands exactly what she means. He does the same, but in reverse, coming on hot and heavy with a girl, then growing cold and distant to push her away.
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” he soothes.
“No, but it will, and that’s the emotional rollercoaster I ride. It’s painful and not something I can escape. I’ve never had a successful relationship. The only one that came close ended badly.”
Alarm has him sitting up, facing her. “Did someone hurt you?”
“We’re not talking about that.”
But they would. He would find out who hurt her and make him pay.
“You seem to be a really nice guy,” she says.
Normally those are killer words, but Bash takes a breath and steels himself to fight for what he wants.
“Honestly,” she continues, “you’re nothing like I imagined.”
“Don’t judge me by my past, Holly. I’m not that same guy.” Except hadn’t he had some nameless redhead on her knees in front of him in the not too distant past? He’d used her and kicked her out like she was last night’s trash. He is exactly that guy.
“I’m not, but I’m warning you about me. You’re sweet and tonight is beyond incredible. In the end, very few stick with me. I’m just not worth the emotional drama. And the baggage I carry around isn’t pretty.”
“Everyone has baggage. I would walk through fire and ice to be with you. Look to the sky. I know I have, and I’ve already found my shooting star and cast my wish. What will it take for you to take a chance on me?”
Her lips press together and she shifts on the ground. The moon is dark above them, not disappeared but rather glowing a muted brown as it passes beneath the shadow of the earth. She’s quiet, too quiet, and their normal back and forth banter is gone.
He bites his inner lip as he gathers his thoughts. She’s not getting away that easily.
“There’s something about you, Holly, that I can’t explain, and you make me want things I never thought I cared to have. That’s not something I’m going to walk away from. Push and pull. Run away, if you can. But know that I’m not going to disappear because it’s too hard, too painful, or too scary for you to face your fears. I’ll come after you. We’ll face your fears together and take as long as we need until you feel safe. I’m not in a rush, and you’re worth the wait, even if you don’t see it.”
So, this is it? His sense of chivalry holds him back? Is it even chivalrous to say he’ll never leave her? Who knows? Who cares?
Her silence remains heavy and ponderous in the space between them. She’s chewing on her lower lip and twisting her fingers again. He loves these little tells because they allow him to know exactly what she’s thinking, even when she refuses to speak.
“Noodles would have something to say,” he says.
Her chin lifts and she looks at him, curious perhaps as to what he has to say.
“Noodles believes in the mysticism of the world. He believes in energy waves which wrap around the world and vibrate with power and meaning. He would say the things which define us aren’t the darkness wallowing in the recesses of our minds, or the weakness and fear which consumes us, but rather it’s what we do to hold them at bay.” He reaches out and takes her hand in his. “Let me be that for you. Let me battle your fears and stamp out your insecurities.”
“I’m afraid of letting you get close.”
There’s so much in Holly’s expression and the tension vibrating in her body. She’s moments from bolting, but there’s nowhere for her to go. He realizes how vulnerable that makes her. He’s effectively trapped her with no place to run. He wishes he could get inside her head and erase the pain, ease the fears, and conquer her demons. He wants to protect her from the world. He can begin with the truth.
“I have a secret for you,” he whispers.
“What?”
“I’m already there, close inside of you. You feel me there. Don’t deny it.”
“Why do you like me?”
“How can I not?”
He leans forward, obliterating the space between them. Cupping her cheek, the wetness of her tears hitches his breath. Her beautiful eyes meet his as does her frown. He loves t
he light in her eyes, the joy she brings his heart, and even the sadness spilling down her cheeks. He loves all of her, not just the parts that make sense. He craves the secret parts, the parts she hides, the parts he doesn’t understand, and the burdens weighing on her shoulders are a weight he chooses to bear; for her, if not for him. He loves the parts he only gets a glimpse of when he steals glances at her when she’s not looking.
Then he realizes the truth. He’s already fallen in love.
24
Holly
A new relationship is the last thing Holly needs; especially on the heels of her brother’s death, and the brutality of her ex. She’s trying to persuade Sebastian to leave with the story of how she’s broken and unlucky in love, but Sebastian isn’t taking no for an answer.
When she cries, he holds her close, kisses away her tears, and makes her feel safe. When she tries to shut him out, he barges right back in, fighting for the right to stay. Each time she pushes, he holds on. Sebastian isn’t budging and she’s not ready to face what that might mean.
He’s a rock star who leads a life she can’t imagine. Well, she imagines a lot about what happens backstage. The endless flood of female flesh willing to spread their legs and open their mouths for a moment of fame with a legend turns her stomach.
Don’t judge me by my past.
Is it in the past? How could it be?
She’s not capable of holding her own against that kind of competition and doesn’t want the stress, or eventual heartbreak that will come.
Sebastian meets her resistance with a ferocity she’s not prepared to resist. He deserves something real. Someone who can stand on her own without a mountain of insecurities. Whomever he chooses will have to face that sea of women trying to get into his bed and hold them off with the power of conviction that Sebastian’s heart belongs to no one but them.
That’s not her.
Doubt consumes her.
The funny thing, if Sebastian had found her a few years ago, before Douche Bag Dave, the fire between them would have burned brighter than the sun. She feels that potential. With every passing hour, it grows stronger and more difficult to resist. Every time he pulls her in close that fire rages and her body jolts with electricity. She wants to taste him, feel the movement of his body, and become one with him. It’s not time for that. Not yet, but the moment approaches with inevitability. In the meantime, the inferno between them grows, igniting smiles and inviting in the most intimate of touches.
Overhead, an amazing solar event darkens the moon. Sebastian tugs her to his side, as they explore each other’s body with more intimate caresses, stopping short of true sex.
“I want to hear you play again,” he says suddenly.
“Excuse me?”
“Play the drums. I want to hear you.”
“You don’t want to listen to me.” She curls inward and draws back. If he wants her to forget about him being ‘Bash the legendary drummer,’ then why is he bringing that topic up? His skill is phenomenal, and she’s a fan of his work. Playing for him would be the worst thing imaginable.
“Why not?” Persistent as always, he’s not leaving it alone.
“Because you’re Bash, Angel Fire’s drummer. We’re not in the same league.”
“That’s not true. I saw your notes. You have an incredible mind and the talent it took to do that…” He pauses and lifts her hand to his lips. The heat of his breath skating across her knuckles turns her insides to jelly. “Although, I can’t figure out why you broke the drum line apart like that.”
“I teach percussion to kids at the community shelter.”
“That’s cool!”
“It is. In fact, we formed a group…The Santa Barbara Bayside Beats.”
“The Bayside Beats,” he says slowly. “I like it, very catchy. Actually, it’s perfect for a percussion group.”
“I thought so.” The name resonates and has a great cadence. It’s perfect for her young percussionists.
“What do you do for them exactly?” His curiosity confuses her. Why would he be interested? But he is. He’s not asking to be polite. He’s truly interested, but not in them. That’s when she realizes the depth of his interest in her. It’s almost as if he’s hungry for a connection. She’s never seen that in a guy before and isn’t sure how to process it.
“It’s an afterschool program,” she explains. “Used to be an hour a week, but now we meet Mondays and Wednesdays for an hour and a half. I’m trying to get them ready for their first performance.”
“And Insanity is one of the pieces they’re playing?”
“Oh, yes. It’s wonderfully chaotic and horribly beautiful. Poor Ranger has to suffer through it twice a week now.”
“Oh wow…I can imagine. I bet it’s wild and loud…I’m surprised it doesn’t freak him out.”
“Don’t worry about Ranger. He was trained not to spook around explosives. A few kids banging on drums isn’t going to set him off.” She turns and places her hand on Sebastian’s chest. The steady thumping beneath her palm makes her wish for things she’s never had. “These kids are amazing, Sebastian. They’re rough around the edges but eager to learn. You should see them. It’s magical.”
“I didn’t get much chance to look at your notes, but what I saw was interesting.” He lifts a tendril of hair off her face and tucks it behind her ear. “I love the way your eyes light up when you talk about these kids.”
“Well, breaking down what an amazing drummer like yourself can do in concert for twenty kids in a community center gym is a challenge, but I love it.”
“When is their first performance?”
“In a month. It’s not much, just a small thing for the community center. I’m working on five songs. Hopefully, I can get a few of the parents to show, maybe some of their peers from school. There’s zero budget, but I’ve got a couple of parents bringing popcorn and cotton candy.”
“You’re kidding?” His face scrunches up. “What is it with cotton candy?”
“Not everyone hates it.”
“Well, it’s weird stuff, and I love that you do something like that for the kids. What got you started?”
“My brother, actually. After he was discharged, things went south for him.”
“How so?”
“His injury led to an addiction to pain pills. Those led to heroin.”
“I’m sorry. How does the community center fit into all that?”
“My parents actually. They never approved of his choices in life. It was bad enough their son enlisted in the Army, but he found the strength to come out of the closet while in it. My parents went ballistic and never accepted his choice. He was safe while in the Army, they really do take care of their own, but then there was the explosion, the surgeries, his addiction to pain pills, and a medical discharge. When he got out of the military, they refused to let him step foot in their home. My parents are exceedingly homophobic.”
“That’s horrible.”
“It got worse. When he couldn’t get his prescriptions filled, he turned to heroin, hit rock bottom, and eventually got clean with my help. Ranger was with him through it all. Actually, I don’t think he wouldn’t have made it if hadn’t of been for Ranger.”
“Why is that?”
“Ranger retired out of the military with my brother. Having someone who depended on Michael help him keep things together; at least for a little while. When my parents refused to let him move back in with them, he came to live with me for a time. But the drugs brought bad people into my life.”
“I see…and?” Sebastian took her hand in his, encouraging her to spill the pain of her past into his supportive eyes.
“Well, things got heated, people were hurt.” She isn’t going to mention her trip to the emergency room, the hospitalization, or the police investigation which followed. Sebastian doesn’t need to be burdened with such things. But tension coils in his body. He senses the truth, but doesn’t pressure her to explain more than she’s willing to reveal. It’s a trait
she appreciates more than he can ever understand.
“What happened?”
“Michael left my place and took Ranger with him. Ranger was his support and trained in easing Michael’s trauma triggers, but the streets weren’t kind to either of them. Eventually, Ranger suffered, as did Michael. Michael came to my apartment and dropped Ranger off. I came home to find Ranger filthy and flea-ridden; no note from my brother. A day later, I got the call.”
Sebastian pulls her against his chest. “Is that when he killed himself?”
“That’s the first time he tried. The police called my parents, but when they refused to do anything, they tracked me down. I went to the hospital and we talked. The next day Michael began his road to recovery.”
“I wish this story ended on a happy note, but I already know the ending.”
“Thanks. We had a couple good years before…”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“You know, it feels good to talk about Michael. After he killed himself, I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
“What about your parents? Surely they—”
“I don’t talk to them anymore, and no they didn’t. They cut him out of their life completely. Disowned him and didn’t even come to the funeral.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah…” She blew out a deep breath. “Wow.”
“How does this lead to the Bayside Beats?”
“I went off on a tangent there. In the last two years…before he killed himself, Michael was in recovery. His meetings were at the community center. Ranger and I went with him, and I stumbled upon their music program. It was more of a closet filled with drums and percussion instruments. I sat down with Bill from the music store and he set up a charity drop for used percussion instruments. Before I knew it, I had everything I needed to start a group.”
“Wow! That’s one hell of a story, but I can relate. I went through something similar with Ash.”
Hearts Divided Page 16