“Sebastian…” Her feeble voice barely forms around his name. “It’s good to see you.”
The long list of expletives he prepared to throw in her face vanish as he looks upon a woman weeks, maybe days, from her end. At least that’s what Forest said in the car. Valerie’s battle against breast cancer will come to an end sooner rather than later. It explains why she broke her silence to Angel. He’s thankful for that, and angry. He’s incredibly angry, but won’t take out his frustrations on Valerie.
Angel has no living family on Valerie’s side. Once Angel reaches eighteen, there would be no reason to tell her who her father was. Only because of the very real threat of foster care did Valerie decide Angel needed to know the truth.
The guys stand behind him, invading Valerie’s home in support of him and overwhelming the dying woman huddled in the chair.
“Guys, can you give us a moment?”
Forest is the only one who remains outside. He’s on the phone with child services, working out custody issues and the need for paternity testing. If Valerie gives her okay, it shouldn’t be a problem and paternity testing won’t be required for Bash to take over guardianship of his daughter.
“You sure?” Ash puts a hand on his shoulder.
Bash clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m sure, and thanks.”
“We’ll be right outside.” Ash leaves, shoulders slumped, but understanding. Valerie was his friend, and he’ll need a moment of his own to say goodbye. Noodles, Spike and Bent follow Ash outside.
“Angel, do you mind?” Bash hates to kick her out, but he needs a moment alone with Valerie.
“Um…” She looks to her mother, and when Valerie gives a nod, Angel joins the guys on the front deck.
Bash takes a seat on the couch and rubs his hands on his knees. “Shit, Valerie. This is fucked.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“You should have told me. I would’ve done anything for you. You know that, right?”
Her eyes soften as she takes him in. “You look good, still shaving for him, aren’t you?”
He rubs at his head. “Yeah.” He doesn’t want to talk about his dead brother. There’s too much death here as it is.
“I miss him,” she says.
“I do too.”
“You honor your brother well.” She’s stalling, but he allows it, letting it break the ice between them.
“I still do his list every year.”
She gives a weak laugh. “I bet you do. The cotton candy?” She knows how much he hates the sickly, sweet treat.
“Even that. Although I had help this year.” He spends a moment telling her about Duke, bringing a smile to her face. There’s nothing of the girl he remembers in the woman sitting in front of him. The light in her eyes is dimmed and her strength is nearly gone.
“Angel Fire,” she says with a wistful sigh. “It’s everything you ever wanted. I’m really happy for you.”
“I would have given it all up. You know that, right?”
“That’s why I had to leave. I know what it meant to you, having that dream. And I was right, you’re everything and more than I ever hoped you’d become. I loved you too much to see you give up your dreams.”
“You didn’t have the right to make that decision for me…for Angel. Shit, Valerie, she grew up without a father. She grew up thinking I left her.” Anger rises in his gut. He’s pissed about all of it, but mostly about what Valerie took from Angel.
“She’s happy, and she has you now.”
He glances at the ceiling and pulls at his chin. Forest’s words echo in his head. “You weren’t going to tell her, though, were you? You were going to keep her from me forever.” In another few months, when Angel turns eighteen, there would’ve been no reason for Valerie to tell Angel about him at all.
“I thought it was best.” A coughing fit overcomes her, leaving Bash to wait until she can continue. Valerie struggles to breathe and he doesn’t know what to do. She grabs for tubing on the far side of the chair and can’t look at him as she puts the oxygen to her face. It’s bad. She’s sicker than she wants him to know.
“You didn’t have the right,” he says, unwilling to completely let go of his anger.
“Angel is a good kid, a little wild, but that’s to be expected.” She ignores him, unwilling to admit he knows the truth as to why she had to tell Angel.
“I know why you told her.”
Her eyes widen as she realizes he knows. Another coughing fit overcomes her.
“Don’t worry about Angel. I’ll take care of her. She won’t go to foster care. My manager is talking to them now, and I’ll make sure there’s someone here to…well, to help you out as long as you need, and to watch over Angel until it’s time. Or, you can come to Insanity. I can get a nurse…”
“I’m happy here. I don’t want to go, and I don’t belong there.” She gives a deep sigh. “I’m ready, and I’m not afraid.”
“I know.”
They talk for an hour, uninterrupted except when Angel knocks on the door to check on them. It’s hard for Valerie to talk and she’s winded after a sentence or two, needing frequent breaks, but he gives her the time she needs.
He tells her all about Angel Fire and catches her up on Ash, telling the story of how Ash met and married Skye in three days, about the child they’re waiting on, and anything else he can think of to avoid speaking about Valerie’s imminent death.
“What do I need to know about Angel?” To think he is excited to become an uncle to Ash’s kid when all along he’s the one with a kid out in the world. But what is he supposed to do with a teenager? “She’s amazing,” he says, “but I have a feeling I’m going to have my hands full. She ran off to Vegas to meet me.” He doesn’t explain what Angel may have done for that unique privilege. It’s a private conversation he’ll have with his daughter another time.
“She’s not a kid anymore.”
“According to state law she is.”
Valerie’s eyes soften. “I thought what I did was the right thing. It didn’t matter at first, Angel didn’t ask about her dad until she was three or four. It was easier to tell her you left than to tell her the truth. After a while, the lie became easier to believe. The truth became unbearable.”
“Why?”
“You were a rock star. What kid wouldn’t have wanted to live with their rock star dad? I was afraid I’d lose her if I told her about you.”
“I wouldn’t have taken her from you. Shoot, I would’ve wanted to be involved, and I could’ve taken care of the both of you. We could’ve had a life together.”
“Would you?” She gives a look. “I’m no fool. I followed everything I could about Angel Fire and I know the stories. How was I going to compete with any of that with a kid?” She shakes her head. “I was nothing but an anchor to weigh you down and keep you from your dreams. I may not have had the right to make that decision for you, but I did have the right to make it for myself. I wouldn’t have been happy living in your shadow and I’ve had a very happy life as Angel’s mom. I don’t regret what I did, although I’m sorry I hurt you.”
She stops to take a few deep breaths and he waits for her, knowing this is something she needs to say. He disagrees with her reasoning, but forces down his anger. It will accomplish nothing to unload it on Valerie.
“Angel and I,” she begins, “we’ve had a good life. We’re not rich, but have all the important things. She’s known nothing but love. I don’t regret any of that.”
“Shit, Valerie, but what about me? I loved you.”
“I’m sorry.”
He leans back and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I found someone, you know.” He peeks at Valerie and catches her nodding. “Someone I love.”
“I know.”
“She’s a lot like you.”
“Sebastian…”
He shakes his head and gives a low laugh. “I think you’d like Holly.”
“I’ve seen the pictures. She’s very pretty.”
“You married her, right? I think I read something about that.”
“I was supposed to.” The twisting in his gut returns.
“What happened?”
He laughs. “Angel happened.”
“Oh, Sebastian, I’m so sorry. That’s not what I wanted.”
“I know.”
“What can I do?”
“Nothing, but you want to know what’s funny?”
She’s hesitant. “I’m not sure I see anything funny there.”
“Maybe not, but Holly left me precisely for the same reason you did.”
“How so?”
“She loved me too much to keep me from my dreams.”
“Your dreams?” Her brows scrunch together and then a look of confusion and then understanding washes over her expression. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“You have to go to her. Don’t let her make the same mistake I made. I loved you like life itself. For years, you were all I thought about, but I had Angel and I realized something important.”
“What?” Every word tears open old wounds, leaving him reeling with images of what his life might have been if she hadn’t walked away.
“Our love was never meant to last. We were young and foolish. Life would’ve torn us apart. I’m not your forever. I never was, and you weren’t mine. I don’t love you, Bash, not like you deserve to be loved, and you don’t love me.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because if I had loved you, if you had been my forever, I would’ve never been able to walk away. I cared enough about you to let you chase your dreams, but not enough to stay and fight for mine.”
A sense of peace overcomes him as he realizes the truth she’s trying to tell him. He leans back in the couch. “What can I do for you?” She’s dying. There’s nothing he can do.
“Love Angel, be the father she needs. Maybe someday, you’ll find it within yourself to forgive me.”
He rises from the couch and kneels before her, taking her hands in his. Kissing her knuckles, tears spill from his eyes. The last time he cried was when his brother died, perhaps it’s right for him to cry for Valerie too.
“I forgive you.”
44
Holly
It’s been over a week since Holly walked out on Sebastian. Visions of forever bounded by sunrises and sunsets vanished between one breath and the next. All her hopes are gone because she dared to love too much, fall too hard, and dream too big.
Despite the pain, she hopes Sebastian finds the peace he deserves, and although her heart bleeds, the love she holds for him is strong enough to wish him a lifetime of forevers with another woman. It doesn’t mean leaving hurts less. In fact, as she corrals the Bayside Beats into loading the bus for the concert, she’s not sure she can breathe one more breath, take one more step, or endure another minute without him by her side.
But she will.
With Ranger, she accomplishes the impossible, moving forward with a broken heart. Her loyal dog gives her that strength with his constant reassurance. She does it because she loves Sebastian, because loving him is more important that taking that next breath or walking that next step. She lets him go and determines to live another day without him.
“Miss Holly!” Trina races up to her, big smile plastered on her face. “My momma got off work! She’s going to make it.”
“That’s awesome!” She gives Trina a hug.
All the kids have passes for two family members to join them back stage. Not all have mothers or fathers able to support their dream. Forest does his best, taking care of transportation and providing car services to all involved, making sure no-one is left behind, but some parents can’t get off work, or out of prison, or out of their drug-induced haze. The kids make do as best they can and she’s beside them, cheering them each step of the way.
Their instruments are already in place. A truck came by the community center the day before and loaded everything up. She and a few of the kids, along with Bill from Grady’s Music, spent the day setting up the kid’s percussion instruments on the stadium stage. The Bayside Beats have one run through of the songs they intend to play before the concert and they’re bouncing with excitement.
The band isn’t going to be there for rehearsal, but the roadies will fill in, accomplishing the need for sound checks as the Bayside Beats run through their three songs one last time. It’s their only chance to practice in the stadium before the concert begins.
She’s nervous for her kids, excited for this opportunity, and tries to hide her unease.
Sebastian will be there, arriving with the rest of the band from their sold out shows in Vegas. He’s left hundreds of messages on her phone, none of which she’s listened to, and she simply hopes it’s too crazy for their paths to meet. It’s a stupid and nonsensical hope, because she’ll be onstage with the band, conducting the Bayside Beats while Angel Fire plays. He’ll literally be right in front of her.
Skye and Piper left for Insanity following her aborted wedding day, leaving Holly to face the band alone. It’s not that they don’t want to be there for her, but rather Skye’s premature contractions leave her officially consigned to bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy. It’s okay. Holly’s spent her entire life dealing with shit alone. One mega rock star should be nothing compared to what she’s endured.
“Come on!” She waves to the kids gathered in the parking lot, urging them to board the bus. “It’s time to leave.” Ranger stands by her side, eager and supportive as always. He nudges her palm, demanding attention, as she attempts to get everyone onboard.
The Bayside Beats stand with parents, guardians, friends, and extended family. Even the local gang is out in force, providing support for their youngest members. They all have tickets to the show and backstage passes. Everyone is excited. Hugs are exchanged, awkward goodbyes given, and her kids file onto the bus with grins splattered across their faces as they give Ranger a pat on the head. He’s become their unofficial mascot.
This is the moment of a lifetime for the kids. For Holly, it’s a moment to endure as she shares the stage with the man she loved and lost. This evening is going to wreck her, but she’s here for the kids. For them, she’ll be strong.
Forest is a godsend. He’s not there to support her, but rather flies on the helicopter with the band. He hasn’t forgotten her, and is with her in spirit. Instructions from him go straight to Angel Fire’s chief roadie, a man called Smiley, who takes personal charge of her and the kids. Smiley, a man of many talents, is also the driver of the bus. High fives are exchanged between him and the kids as they board.
After everyone is onboard she gives him special thanks. “The kids are so excited.”
“I’m sure they are.” Smiley greets her with a kiss to her cheek.
Before she knows it, they’re being greeted by a group of men with black tee-shirts proclaiming themselves Crew at the stadium.
“These guys will help you tonight. Come on kids!” He shouts to the Bayside Beats, his stern voice commanding instant obedience.
They’re besides themselves. Smiley introduces the crew and she recognizes Sam amid those assigned to help the Bayside Beats navigate their way through their first official performance.
She gives Smiley a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.”
“Any time, Miss Holly.” He turns to the kids. “Okay, so…who’s excited?”
All hands raise in the air.
“Well, thank fuck for that!” He presses his hand over his mouth and then whispers. “Sorry, I’m not supposed to swear, but I can’t fucking help myself.”
His words bring giggles from the kids. Smiley, despite his name, is an intimidating man, but he wins over the kids in two-seconds flat. Before she knows what’s happening, he ties them around his finger and they’re hanging on his every word. The man is brilliant with children and she relaxes as he takes them through the arduous sound checks required before the performance.
&nb
sp; In the downtime that follows, Smiley divides the kids into groups and sends them with the roadies to learn about soundboards and lighting, security and stage dynamics. Her kids are getting a front and center introduction to what it means to be a roadie in the big leagues. For this, she’s thankful to Angel Fire and doesn’t regret a second of this journey.
As the hours wind down, and time for the concert begins, things heat up. She’s shuttled to a room set aside for her kids. They’re nervous and Smiley gathers everyone around. He looks at her as he gives his pep talk, but his words seem as if they’re tailor made for her.
The Bayside Beats will come in toward the end of the show. Until then, they’re sequestered as they wait for their big moment. They run through one final practice while the first songs of the concert play onstage. Holly keeps the kids busy and their minds off what they will soon face, but the time comes when Smiley returns to usher them into position.
The crowd isn’t supposed to see the Bayside Beats until the last possible moment, and Smiley gathers them in a sunken stage with their instruments. When the time comes, the stage above them will open up. Their portion of the stage will rise to fill gap in the center of the main stage, right in front of the drums. Holly’s back will be to the crowd. It’s a moment she dreads, because it will place her directly in front of the drums and the man behind them.
It’s not about her. It’s about the kids, and this is why she’s here. Sebastian aside, she’s here for the kids. This is what goes through her mind as the sunken stage rises. The moment the roof—floor?—overhead opens, all she can feel is the swaying pulse of humanity and thunderous beat of the drums. Nearly a hundred thousand pack the stadium, a sold-out show, and eager fans sway to the pounding rhythms Angel Fire delivers.
The Bayside Beats will bring home the show, playing Insanity, Hate Myself and Sunset Rose, back to back. Her palms slick with sweat and she hopes she’s the only one who’s this nervous. One look out to the kids and she realizes they need her support. The roar of the crowd pours down on them as they elevate to the main stage.
Hearts Divided Page 27