“Oh, I don’t know if you should…”
“It’s fine, Ben,” she said, smiling down as my son struggled to latch onto her breast. “See, he’s hungry. It’s calming him.”
“I don’t want to confuse him, Kat. I have some milk in the bag I can warm up for him,” he said. “Just wait a second.” He stood and darted in the house, leaving just the three of us there. Just me, Kat, and Gray. I wanted to jump down, to grab Gray from her arms and run for the hills, but I couldn’t. I was angry enough that I could do something stupid if I wasn’t careful. I was trespassing. This could all be misconstrued. I could be arrested, I could lose Gray anyway. I had to be smart. I had to, no matter how high the bile rose in my throat or how much I trembled with pure rage.
Gray wasn’t latching on. She wasn’t me. He struggled to attach to her, and she didn’t know how to place him right. Even if she would’ve done everything perfectly, there was no milk in her breasts like there was in mine. No nourishment for the child in her arms. She wasn’t his mother.
“Come on, sweet boy,” she said, pushing his head against her body a bit more firmly. I chewed my lip, my options getting fewer and fewer by the moment. I was going to have to intervene. I was going to end up going to jail over this.
No sooner had I accepted my decision than the back door opened again and Ben appeared with a bottle, half-full of my milk. “Here we go,” he said. I expected Kat to argue, and from the look on her face, I believed she wanted to, but after a moment, she lowered Gray from her chest, pulling her shirt up over her bare breast—not before giving my husband an eyeful—and reaching her hand out for the bottle. She rested Gray in one arm and held the bottle to his lips, and his fussing stopped almost instantly.
He was calmed by me. By something my body produced. It was the only thing keeping me still in a moment where I was sure I’d come unglued. I watched him sucking the milk down and breathed in heavily, out slowly. I felt the hairs on my arms stand up, my body tense. I was nearing a panic attack, but I couldn’t let it happen here.
I had to breathe.
That was all.
I just had to keep breathing.
No. An angry thought hit me at once. I’d missed my chance. I should’ve taken a picture of what was happening. Of her attempting to nurse my son while my husband allowed it. Surely that would’ve helped my case. But it was too late. The moment had passed, and I’d been too distracted by fury to catch it.
I sank to the floor in a state of panic as the adrenaline I’d felt began to calm down. I tried to keep my breathing steady, to keep myself quiet as I felt the sobs beating against my chest, begging to be released. The hair on my arms stood on end as I pressed my hand to my lips so hard, my teeth hurt.
Just breathe, Palmer.
Just breathe.
Chapter Fifteen
I went back to work without thinking about it. It was the last thing I wanted to do, and yet I also didn’t want to go home. I sat in the parking lot for an hour, crying and snotting and fuming.
How had it come to this?
How had so much gone so wrong this quickly?
How had I fallen from perfect wife, loving mother to wife betrayed in a matter of days? It didn’t seem possible. And yet, here I was. Again. Why was I so easy to cheat on? Why was I so easy to lose?
I wiped away my tears, lowering the sun visor and opening the mirror to look over my makeup. My hair had frizzed from the humidity, most of my makeup melting away, and I had tear stains on the makeup that had fought to remain.
I couldn’t go into my building like this, but I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t face the conversation that I needed to have. Ty had advised that I wait until I had proof, but there was absolutely no way I could face Ben without telling him what I knew, what I’d seen, and how I felt.
He left Kat’s house just before I did, so he should’ve been home by now. I pulled out my phone and typed up a quick, emotionless text.
Hey. What are you up to?
He’d lie and pretend he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Pretend he and Gray had spent the morning at home, as usual. He’d lie like he always had. Because I was the kind of woman who men lied to. I was the kind of woman they cheated on. The kind who was easily replaced. The kind you traded in for a new model after a while.
Two completely different men in two completely different scenarios had cheated on me. The only common denominator was me. I had to believe that meant something.
I ran a hand over my belly, several pounds of extra fluff still lingering since I’d had Gray. I knew some women who lost the baby weight almost instantly, but I still carried at least twenty pounds extra. My breasts were swollen and sore, and they belonged solely to Gray now. I wore thick, diaper-like pads in my hinged nursing bra to keep the milk from leaking through my clothes. I had several more weeks of bleeding before Ben and I could be intimate again. Not that he’d want to. I was no longer the sexy, enchanting woman he had met a year ago. Could I really blame him for falling in love with someone else? We’d been together such a short time before I’d fallen pregnant and he’d proposed. Maybe he felt like I’d trapped him. Maybe I had.
Fat tears fell down my cheeks as I waited for his return text. I needed to pump. I needed to eat. I needed to wash my face and change my clothes. I put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot, heading across town to deal with the shambles that appeared to be all that remained of my life.
I parked the car and stepped into the building with determination. I would hear Ben out, but I wouldn’t back down. What he’d done was wrong. What he’d allowed Kat to do was beyond wrong. I wouldn’t forgive him for it. If he wanted to be with her—if he wanted to leave me—I wouldn’t beg him to stay, but he had to know I wouldn’t walk away with my tail tucked. I’d fight for custody. Fight against alimony.
As I climbed the stairs, a sick thought filled my mind. Now that Ben was home full time, what if he could get custody more easily? What if I’d set him up to receive alimony without even realizing it? Women did it all the time in divorces, didn’t they? It may be no different here.
I shoved the thought out of my head. It wasn’t going to happen like that. Ty was the best of the best, and I had him on my side of this. Whoever Ben hired wouldn’t be nearly as good as who I had on my side.
I approached the door and put my hand on the knob, twisting it carefully. It was locked. I lowered my brows, knocking. Why was it locked?
After a moment, I groaned and dug through my purse, locating my keys and unlocking the door.
“Ben?”
The first thing I noticed was the silence. It was deafening when I was so used to hearing life coming from the apartment. Gray fussing. Ben tapping his feet. Ben laughing. Gray cooing. There was nothing this time.
“Ben?” I called again, keeping my voice low, though a worried feeling had settled low in my stomach. Something is wrong.
I walked down the hall with caution, my footsteps the only sound I could hear. The humidity from an impending storm had settled into the apartment in such a short time, and a bead of sweat gathered on my upper lip. “Ben? Where are you?” I called once more as I stepped into the bedroom. The room, like the rest of the apartment, was empty and silent. My husband and son were nowhere to be found.
I pulled out my phone and clicked on his name from my recent calls list. It didn’t ring.
“Hey, it’s Ben. Leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you.”
The line beeped, and I hung up. Where is he?
I walked back into the living room, searching the place for any sign of a note from him explaining his disappearance. When I’d left Kat’s house, he was gone. It wasn’t possible that he hadn’t made it home yet if this was where he was headed.
There were no papers, no notes, nothing out of place. The stroller still sat against the wall, so despite the fact that the rain wasn’t here yet, it was doubtful that he’d taken him on a walk. I had a sinking feeling of dread that I couldn’t explain. Everything in me screamed that something w
as very wrong.
I opened the apartment door, locking it behind me and jogging down the stairs. I glanced out at the street, thankful that the rain had held off. I searched the street, looking for signs of his car to no avail, then turned the corner to head around the building. I looked throughout the small parking lot and inside the underground parking garage, hurrying through each level in search of the silver Mazda. It wasn’t there. He wasn’t there.
Once I’d reached the last level of the garage, I turned back around. I walked up the sidewalk back to my apartment slowly, watching for his car, just hoping it would appear.
Where are you, Ben?
I had such a bad feeling. But how could I explain it? And what was I supposed to do with it, anyway? How was I supposed to fix it? How was I going to find them? I called my office first, on a whim.
“Thank you for calling Cumberland Design, Palmer Lewis’ office. How may I help you?”
“Howie, it’s me,” I said, letting out a huff.
“Palmer? Hey! Are you still in Spring Hill?”
I shook my head, though he couldn’t see me. “No. I…” I had no reason to lie to him, but I needed to. Howie had more than earned my trust, but I couldn’t explain to him everything that was going on. I didn’t have the energy. “I just dropped by the apartment to eat lunch. Listen, Ben and Gray didn’t happen to come there, did they?”
He paused. “You mean today? I haven’t seen them. Were they supposed to?” His voice grew faint, and I could tell he was leaning away from the receiver, careening his neck around the office to get a good look. I could picture it well.
“No, I just…they aren’t here, and he’s not answering his phone.” I chewed my bottom lip. “They’ll turn up. I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t missed him.”
“They aren’t here, but if they do show up, I’ll have him call you.”
“Thanks, Howie,” I said.
“Will you be back in—”
I’d already lowered my phone, and I couldn’t bear to worry about the answer to that question. There was still so much unknown. I needed to call someone else—but who?
I didn’t have the phone numbers of any of the men he used to work with. I could call the store, but why would they be there? I clicked on his name again, but still, it went straight to voicemail. Had his phone died? Worse, had he turned it off?
I tried to fight back the worry and the fear that ricocheted through every inch of my body, wrapping its spider-like fingers around my organs, telling me to do something—anything—to make this better. I had no idea what to do. No idea how to make this any better. How could I be this helpless?
Ben had no relationship with his family, so I didn’t have much more than their names. No phone numbers, no addresses even, other than the knowledge that they lived out of state, and just getting that much was like prying teeth from my husband.
You try looking up Mark and Kathy Lewis and let me know how far you get.
I opened the freezer and gasped. All of Gray’s milk was gone. Every single bag. More than a week’s worth. Had he brought all of that to Kat’s? I hadn’t seen how much he had packed.
I didn’t want to drive back to Crestview, especially for no reason, but I was out of options. My keys were still in my hand, purse around my shoulder, as if somehow, I’d just known that this would happen. I’d known I’d have to leave. Have to go after them.
I pulled open the door and stopped. My head was so fuzzy with fear I couldn’t really concentrate. He hadn’t mentioned going anywhere, had he? I didn’t think so.
I sucked in a breath, locking the door behind me and rushing down the stairs, switching my phone’s ringer to loud. The rain pelted me—why wouldn’t it decide to start now, of all times?—the wind blowing my hair and my clothes wildly as I made my way to the car.
Please call me back.
Chapter Sixteen
I drove with ferocity through the raging storm that had blown in suddenly, heading for Kat’s house with no regard for speed limits or traffic laws. I could think of nothing more than the image of my son’s head settling onto her chest. Why had Ben left? Why wasn’t he home? Where was my child?
I pulled up in front of the small, white cottage, surprised to see an unfamiliar vehicle in the drive. A man wearing a sweat-soaked red T-shirt stepped through the front door of the house, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. He was holding a phone to his ear with the opposite hand.
I hesitated, checking the street again. I was at the right house, so who was this?
I caught the glint of a wedding band around his finger. This is her husband.
She’d mentioned he worked out of town, but he must’ve returned home. How was I going to explain who I was? Why I was there? Kat’s car wasn’t in the driveway.
He stared at me with a furrowed brow, not speaking as I stepped from the car getting pelted by the rain, and I stared back, keeping the door open. Did he know who I was? What I knew? “Hey, let me call you back. I love you, too.” He lowered the phone from his ear. “Can I help you?”
“Is…is Kat here?” I asked, my voice quivering with nerves and adrenaline.
“No,” he said, his tone clipped. “Who’re you?”
“I’m…” A friend? An enemy? Her boyfriend’s wife? “I’m looking for Ben Lewis. Do you know him or…?”
He shook his head, no recognition, worry, or anger in his expression. I’d one-upped him. I’d caught them when he still knew nothing of what was going on. No idea that his wife was betraying him. I stared at the ring on his finger again. He had no idea it was coming. I didn’t feel triumphant—I felt sick. I should have told him, but I didn’t have the energy.
He opened the door again, standing halfway over the threshold to let me know he was done with the conversation and preparing to go back inside.
“Do you—sorry, do you know when Kat’ll be back? Or where I could find her?”
He shook his head again, watching me closely. “Are you a friend of hers or something?”
“Not exactly…” I wasn’t sure what to say, how to explain it.
“Wanna leave your name? I can make sure she knows you stopped by.”
“No, that’s…that’s okay. I’ll come back.”
He pressed his lips together without another word.
“Okay, well, thank you.” I sank back down into the car, already soaked to the bone from the storm. He didn’t acknowledge me as he walked back into his house, and I started the car again.
Where are you, Ben?
I knew he had to be with Kat. There was no question. But her husband coming home threw a wrench in my theories. Had he come home early? Had she known he’d be returning? What if he’d found out and done something to Ben? But Ben was gone when I left, so that made no sense.
I drove back home, wishing the rain would let up just a bit. My windshield wipers zipped across the glass feverishly, working to clear up the blurry windshield. I drove slowly, unable to see the lines in the road. The storm was bad, but it was no match for the storm raging inside me.
I stopped by the restaurant I’d watched them at earlier that day and then checked Gary’s Grill in case they’d returned there, but they were nowhere to be found.
It was as if they’d disappeared entirely.
I headed back to the apartment with fresh panic in my chest, each breath tighter than the last. Where could they be? What should I do next?
I pulled up to the apartment, checking the street and parking lot for Ben’s car. It wasn’t there. I walked inside quickly, using my hands as a makeshift umbrella, wracking my brain for where they might be, where I hadn’t thought to check.
Ice-cold fear hit me with a vengeance. The storm. What if they’d been in an accident? Should I check the hospital? What if something happened?
I pulled up Google in my browser as I climbed the stairs, searching for our local hospital’s phone number and pressing the phone to my ear when it began to ring.
“Saint Francis Medical.”
>
“Hi, um, I…I wanted to check and see if my husband and son were brought there. I can’t find them at home, and I’m worried they’ve been in an accident.”
The woman’s voice quickly changed from apathetic to concerned. “Of course. Can I have their names and descriptions please? Would your husband have been traveling with an ID?”
“Yes, he would’ve had his wallet on him. His name’s Ben Lewis. He’s got brown hair and a slim build. A tattoo of a compass on his right wrist. And he had my son with him, Gray. He’s just over two weeks old with reddish-brown hair and blue eyes.”
“Let me place you on hold just a moment, okay? Bear with me.”
I gripped the phone tighter, my palms slick with rain and sweat. “Okay, sure.”
Classical music rang out over the line, and I walked through my front door, looking around to be sure they hadn’t come home during my absence, but as I expected, they were nowhere to be found.
“Ma’am?” She came back to me as I ran a finger across our countertop. “Are you still there?”
“Yes, yes, I’m here.” Please have them. Please let them be okay. I held my breath.
“We don’t have anyone here that matches the descriptions you provided.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure how to feel—happy because they weren’t in the hospital, or worried because that meant I still had no idea where they might be.
“You might try Western Baptist if you still aren’t able to contact them,” she offered. “I hope you find them safe.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, pulling the phone from my ear and ending the call. Back to square one. I walked to my couch and sat down, every inch of my skin crawling with worry. I wanted to call the police, but I had no idea what to say. No idea if I was overreacting. I dialed Ben’s number again and was immediately sent to voicemail.
Where are you, Ben?
Where are you, Gray baby?
Crestview didn’t have a hospital, and the only other one in Oceanside was on the north side of town. It would’ve been out of the way if they’d had an accident between here and Crestview. I Googled the non-emergency line for our police department, staring at the ten digits with apprehension. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want them to think I was overreacting.
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