by Camille Rae
I took a deep breath.
“Alright, I can visualize it,” I said to him.
“It may not be exactly like that, but that’s something you could try. Hold out your hands in front of you and envision the ball of light. Close your eyes and slow your breathing,” he instructed, and I did as I was told.
I held my hands out, envisioning a glowing orb of light appearing in it. I closed my eyes and settled my weight between my two feet.
I felt… nothing. I cleared my mind, doing just as my meditation app had instructed me, focusing on my breathing, bringing my thoughts back to center as they strayed.
Focus, Caia.
I took a deep breath and tried to channel my energy into my hands. My ring pulsed warmly against my finger, but nothing else happened.
I opened my eyes, shaking out my arms. Loel was silent as he waited.
“Any other advice?” I asked into the darkness.
“Think of the light,” Loel said, his hand on my hip. I could picture the ball of blue light distinctly, and I knew he was helping me in his own way.
I held my palms up and thought of the blue light. I pictured it growing out of my fingertips, appearing first as a speck, and then expanding, bursting into light.
My palms warmed, and I felt as though I was right on the edge of something. I pushed harder, trying to see through the murkiness to the clarity on the other side. If only I could just…
A loud bang shocked me into opening my eyes, and I held my hands together, confused.
“Why is it so dark in here?” Lachlan asked, and I heard Cash grunt in response.
I laughed and called out, “You have terrible timing.”
“Uh, now I’m really confused,” Silas said.
Loel chimed in to explain what we were doing.
“What are you doing?” I asked the Wolves.
“I just felt like… I had to come here?” Lachlan answered, phrasing it more like a question.
“I felt the same pull,” Silas said.
Silas, Lachlan, and Cash joined us, and I asked them for advice.
“It comes to me more like a impulse than a thought. Like something I have to do. An impulse I can’t ignore,” Lachlan said, and I nodded, though I hardly understood.
“Wait, I have an idea,” Silas said. “What if we all touched you–”
I heard him grunt as if being jabbed by an elbow.
“I mean by holding your arms or shoulders,” he said wryly. “Our gifts might be able to help guide yours.”
The others agreed almost simultaneously, and then all four men had their hands on me.
“Alright, who just casually touched my chest?” I said, smacking away a wandering hand.
“It was an accident,” Lachlan said quickly and cleared his throat.
I heard Loel growl.
“Stop distracting me,” I said with a small laugh, and four hands moved over my arms and sides to find my shoulders and back.
My pack, my Wolves, standing behind me, giving me all of their strength. I felt emotional for a moment.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I held up my hands, wiggling my fingers in front of me, begging all the Gods of Laeris to show me what I needed to do.
I felt tingles spread from their hands down into my arms, flooding over me. Loel’s positivity, Lachlan’s calm, Silas’ shield, and Cash’s pure energy.
I drew my brows together, concentrating every ounce of mental energy I had into creating something. I visualized the energy pulling from my chest, the power coming into my arms and out of my palms.
“Breathe,” Lachlan said, and a pulse of positivity from his palm made my skin turn to goosebumps under his touch.
I inhaled, drawing air deeply through my nose, allowing the breath to settle into my body, and then exhaled it.
I pushed and I pushed, and nothing happened.
I pulled from deep within me, those dark crevices of reserved strength I had long forgotten.
I held my breath, I circled my breathing, and I even tried visualizing inhaling power, exhaling magic.
It felt as though I was pushing against an unmovable wall inside of myself. I was exerting so much energy and getting nothing in return.
The Wolves stayed silent, but I worried that they were getting weary of me.
Maybe I had no real magic.
Maybe I wasn’t even the Lost Princess.
Maybe I was a fraud.
“Everallin,” a voice inside of me said. Except, it was Elestra’s voice. My eyes opened in surprise as a yellow spark shot up out of my left palm, and I gasped.
It was the same color as the protection spell had been: bright, golden yellow, like pure sunshine.
The guys were clapping me on the back and cheering.
“You got it!” Lachlan said, shaking my shoulder.
I was still a bit in shock, both at the idea that my magic had shown itself, and that it took Elestra’s voice to make it appear. How was she in my mind? Did she know where I was? What I was doing? What I was thinking?
I took a step back from the group and could hear their voices turn to concern as I slipped out of their reach, but I wasn’t listening to the words they were saying.
Elestra had been in my head. It was as though she conjured the magic for me. A shiver ran down my spine, making my entire body tense.
“What’s wrong?” Lachlan asked.
“Are you okay?” Silas added.
“Yeah, of course. That was just… a lot,” I said, using my best apologetic tone, not wanting to admit that I had only been successful because of Elestra. Not wanting to admit I heard Elestra’s voice inside of my mind, at all. “I’m, uh, exhausted. I think I’ll just go… lie down before dinner.” I felt overwhelmed, unable to even make proper sentences. I had to get away from the pack before they suspected something.
“Do you need help getting back to your room?” Loel said and someone reached out to touch my elbow.
“I’ll… I’ll be fine. I might just sleep through dinner. Don’t wait for me. And send my apologies to Theo,” I said, already walking in the direction of what I thought would be the way to the door. I surprised myself by being able to navigate the room relatively well despite the darkness.
I got out into the hall, where the torches were already lit, and ran back up the four sets of stairs to the hallway with my chamber. My breath was coming hard and fast now, and I felt a panic attack overtaking me.
My hands shook, and I struggled to swallow as my mouth went dry. I opened the door and my Graces were standing near the fire, obviously not expecting me by their shocked faces.
“Are you okay?” Maisy said, and they both took a few steps toward me.
I welcomed the distraction from my anxiety for a moment, however small it may be.
“I’m fine,” I said, waving them off. “I’m just tired after training. I’m going to lie down and try to sleep through the night, so you won’t need to dress me for dinner.”
It was a long shot, considering it was probably only mid-afternoon and we didn’t eat dinner until closer to the late sunset most nights.
“Skip dinner? You must be really ill,” Maisy joked, but cleared her throat after a small laugh escaped her lips.
Even I laughed at that.
“I’ll bring up some tansy tea after dinner,” Alivia said tentatively.
I dismissed the idea immediately. “Don’t worry, you two. There’s no need. I just want to be alone,” I said, and the two nodded dutifully.
“We’re here if you ever need to talk,” Maisy said, and squeezed my hand, which I knew was very far out of protocol.
For a moment, they were more than my Graces. They were friends. Over the weeks I had been in the Citadel, I had come to cherish the female companionship. I missed Jude, and being around the Wolves and Theo all of the time overloaded my masculinity quota.
“It’s okay, you know how Lach and Cash get with those sprints,” I said, forcing a small smile and rolling my eyes.
&nb
sp; I felt guilty lying to them, dismissing them so abruptly. They really had come to be two of the only people I truly liked at the Citadel, besides the Wolves.
“I’ll be fine,” I softened, and they both gave me small smiles as they left the room.
I pulled the window curtains shut and ripped off my clothes, crawling into bed, not even bothering with my nightgown. The bras they wore in Laeris were virtually nonexistent, and despite the fact that my breasts were relatively small, I still bound them with fabric most days that I was training for comfort’s sake. I pulled off the fabric and threw it, not bothering to see where it went. With just my underwear on, the bed sheets were cool against my skin.
Elestra? I thought, wondering if she could would answer.
My mind stayed silent, or as silent as it was with just me inside of it.
Maybe I was losing touch with reality. Maybe none of this was real in any way, and I’d already lost my mind. Maybe this was all a dream and I’d wake up any moment, in my own bed, in my own apartment.
I took deep breaths, clenching and unclenching my hands over and over.
There was a knock at the door. “Spark, let me in,” it demanded.
Loel.
As much as I wanted to be alone and away from the guys should they suspect something strange, the thought of having Loel’s comforting presence outweighed any notions I had of solitude.
“Come in,” I called out, and pulled the covers to my neck, pushing myself up onto one elbow as he opened the door.
In the glow of the fire, I could see he was distressed. His eyes were dark and his face was clouded with an almost unreadable expression.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying my best to keep my voice very calm.
“I heard it,” he said, pacing the sitting area of the room, rubbing at the back of his neck with his hand.
“You heard what?” I said, unsure.
He glared down at his own hands, his expression even more unnerving in the dim firelight. “You know what I’m talking about,” he whispered. He looked upset.
“I didn’t hear anything,” I lied. I don’t know why I lied. I supposed I didn’t want Loel to think I was crazy, too.
He paused, mid-step, and turned his face to me, staring right through me. “Don’t do that,” he growled.
“I’m not doing anything,” I said weakly, holding up my free hand in surrender.
“You’re lying to me,” he said, clutching the back of a chair with enough force to break it in half.
I looked away from him, biting my lower lip. “I don’t know what I heard,” I said, my voice quiet and uncertain.
“I was right there. My hand was on you. You were clearing your mind, going into some trance, and then she was there. Elestra. I know what I fucking heard, Caia,” he said, pushing the chair out of frustration. It skidded across the hardwood loudly and made me jump, startled.
I pulled my knees up, wrapping my arms around them.
“How long has she been communicating with you?” He said, his voice pitched low.
“She hasn’t—”
“How long have you heard her?” He raised his voice, growing frustrated.
“That’s the first time,” I said.
He reached for me, holding my wrist. “Are you spying on the Rebellion for the Queen?” His eyes were wide and crazed.
“No,” I cried out.
“She’s inside of you,” he said, dropping my wrist.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I said, my voice wavering. “She comes to me in my dreams. I don’t know if it’s really her, or if I’m imagining our conversations. I don’t know if she can see me or hear me or know what I’m doing or thinking.” I felt insane and fisted my hair in my hands, resting my palms over my temples.
“Is she communicating with you in your dreams?” He asked.
I closed my eyes, attempting to force the memory of my latest dream onto him.
He sat on the edge of the bed, blinking slowly. “She wants you to think you can’t trust us?” He said, as though the idea offended him.
“And why should I? You clearly can’t trust me,” I said, glaring at him.“Maybe she can see us now. Maybe even having me around the Rebellion is a mistake. Maybe I’m weak and I can’t shield myself from her.”
His face changed suddenly, and I could see he was shocked by my reaction. He reached for me, taking me in his arms.
His hands on the bare skin of my back sent waves of heat throughout my body, and I pressed myself into him, burying my face into his chest and wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, only the pressure of our bodies together holding the blanket up.
“I was wrong to suggest you were doing anything on purpose,” he said, shushing into my hair as his hand moved up and down my back, my bare skin alight under his touch.
“I’m sorry,” I wheezed, still too upset to speak properly. I struggled for air, fisting his shirt in my hands. “I don’t want you to think I’m weak,” I whispered.
He stayed silent a moment, his hand soothingly running up and down my back, calming me not with magical powers but with his simple presence.
“I know you’re anything but weak,” he said.
I sniffled, looking up to him.
“Gods, woman, you don’t know what you do to me,” he said, his voice low and gruff. “You drive me crazy. I feel crazy.”
He tipped my chin up, cupping my cheeks in his hands, his thumbs moving over my cheekbones to wipe the tears that had begun to leak.
I didn’t dare move or break the spell.
“When you cry, I feel it as though my own heart is breaking. I want nothing more than to make you happy, always. I’m sorry I was being an ass about you hearing Elestra. I know you’re just as frightened by it,” he said, moving his lips over my damp eyelids, kissing the bridge of my nose.
“For now, I’ll be strong for the both of us. I will pick up your pieces. Not a single moment goes by that I’m not wishing you were near me or wondering what you’re thinking or trying to find some way to make you smile, to make your life a little easier in any way I can,” he continued, his lips moving to my jaw, my neck.
I closed my eyes, reveling in his words and the way they tangled my insides and made my chest squeeze with optimism.
“From the moment I told you I’d never let anyone hurt you, I have been a combination of misery and hope, pierced entirely to my soul,” he whispered, his breath warming my throat.
“Even before the protection spell?” I pulled back slightly and asked, my mouth hanging open in surprise.
“Fuck the spell. It didn’t change my feelings one bit,” he said, a low laugh rumbling through his chest. “I told you I’d always protect you. I didn’t need some spell to make me care for you.”
I also thought of my plan to escape Nos and find Jude and get the hell out of Laeris.
I’d never see Loel again.
I moved my hands up to run my fingers through his thick curls, gripping it in my hands.
He hadn’t said the word love, but what he had said had meant more.
He had chosen me. He knew the consequences, and he had put it all out there.
My vulnerable warrior.
I knew I should have stopped him, should have explained that I was leaving soon, that I had no intention to stay.
I should have stopped him. I should have explained that I was leaving soon, that I had no intention to stay. But the desire in his eyes flared something inside of me, and I wanted him desperately.
My entire being hummed with his nearness and warmth pooled between my legs. His eyes searched mine, and I pulled him down over me, shoving aside the blanket between us.
“Show me,” I whispered, and almost before I got the words out, his mouth was on mine, hungry and claiming, more ruthless than our sweet kiss in the alleyway.
His hands explored my body, finding my sensitive places, tugging and twisting my nipple as pleasure shot through my entire body.
His length dug into my belly
and hips as I ripped at his shirt, and he leaned back, pulling it over his head before seizing my mouth with his once more.
He tasted salty and I craved him, wanting more, more, more. My skin tingled with his touches. Everywhere his fingers trailed set my body on fire.
I scraped my nails over his back, the curves and dips of his muscles leading my way. He growled into the kiss, his tongue pushing past my lips, claiming, possessing.
Mine. I didn’t know whether the thought had come from him or me, but a new surge of desire rippled over me and I tightened my grip on him, wrapping my legs around his hips, pulling him into me.
He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me off the bed as he sat back, and I straddled his hips, grinding myself into him. “Wait, woman,” he said with a small chuckle as he reached down to undo his belt.
In the firelight, his dark hair framed his face and the glow danced off his cheekbones. He looked carved from marble, a statue in ode to the perfect, most stunning man alive.
“I don’t want to,” I teased, nipping at his neck. He grinned, his dimples popping in the light, and held me by the shoulder with one hand as he unclipped his belt and took off his pants one-handed.
He paused to pull something out of his pocket and tossed it onto the bed. As his pants slid over his hips, his hard cock stood at attention, nearly touching his belly.
My eyes widened as I took in the sight. I reached to take him in my hand, but he kneeled out of my reach, coaxing me back on the bed until I was lying down, the soft sheets caressing my skin. He bent, taking my thin scrap of underwear in his teeth. “Oh, fuck,” I moaned, involuntarily, watching the sight as he pulled them down with only his mouth. He hooked my thighs over his shoulders and I trembled in anticipation, gripping the blanket.
“I haven’t even started yet,” he teased, grinning at me from between my legs.
“I already know I’m really going to like whatever you do,” I said, closing my eyes. I felt him chuckle as his fingers slid me open, and then his tongue was on my most sensitive spot. I cried out, already almost to a climax just from the intense emotions.
He backed off, and I took a deep breath, calming myself down, wanting to enjoy each and every moment, wanting this to last forever.