by M. A. Roth
When I arrive in my main room, Alana is waiting for me. I don’t say anything, but it feels so good to see her face.
She hugs me. “I am sorry.”
“Yeah me too.“ The lump in my throat rises even further and I don’t want it to. I look at Alana. She’s done so much for me. “Thank you, Alana—for everything.”
“You would have done the same for me.” She says.
I nod straight away but tears well up, ones I’ve been trying to keep at bay.
“My dad is dead, and it’s my fault.” my words are accompanied by my first tear. “My sister is devastated.” Tears start to flow and I hate them. I feel like I don’t have permission to cry for my dad.
“Unless you can be in two places rather than one, it’s not your fault.” Alana clamps a hand on my shoulder.
“I know but…”
She cuts me off. “No buts. This wasn’t your fault Sarajane.”
I needed to hear those words. It didn’t take the guilt away but something in me eases and cracks all at the same time. Alana holds me as I cry and when my tears settled down she whispers in my ear. “You stink.”
I laugh through tears. “Thanks for that.”
She releases me from her arms. “Come on, you need a wash and food.” I wasn’t in the mood but as I’m led to a tub that has already been filled I strip robotically, and shed all my grief like it was a second skin. I don’t want to think about anything.
“You had a visitor today,” Alana says from where she sits on the bed.
I stir in the tub, looking over at Alana. She looks tired. “Who?”
She raises an eyebrow. “A little girl around eight with big brown eyes.”
“Mei,” I say fondly.
“Yes, she called here every day looking for her princess.”
The poor little child. “I will see her tomorrow.” I lie there and let the water take away all my worries.
“What happened to Neve?” Alana asks, her voice cracking on his name. Her words smash whatever false sense of nothingness I was creating and I don’t want to lie here and talk about Neve, another swarm of guilt tightens my stomach. I get out of the bath and wrap myself in a towel. I’m mechanically moving around the room and when I pick up a brush it’s removed from my hand.
“Here, I will brush your hair.” Alana has a look in her eyes telling me she needs this.
I sit down as Alana untangles the mass of curls. I take a deep breath before I start. “He died in Eden Forest. He lost too much blood.”
Alana keeps brushing my hair.
“How is Kiar?” I ask.
Her hand freezes. “Not good, Sarajane. But in time he will heal.” She continues brushing the knots out. She doesn’t sound like she hates me, but she wouldn’t be here taking care of me if she hated me. I know this, but a part of me wishes she did hate me so I wouldn’t have to feel so bad.
“It is such a mess. I wish…” I stop speaking. I don’t know what I would prefer. If I never came here, then I would’ve never have met Alana, Tristan, Neve and Kiar. I would’ve been blind to who I was.
Alana stands back. “All done.”
I turn and face her. “What happens now?”
Alana exhales a large breath that fans across my face. She looks as tired as I feel. “Now we bury Neve and look out for Kiar.”
She is right. Kiar will be hurting the most. “Yeah, you’re right.”
I start to get dressed in clean travelling clothes.
“Sarajane none of this is your fault.”
I glance at Alana and nod.
Alana and I eat in my main room. The early hours of the morning are creeping in.
“You need rest, Sarajane.”
I give her another hug. “Thanks again, Alana.” It takes a few moments before I release her. I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone but once the hut door closes, I go straight to bed where I fall asleep almost instantly, but my dreams are haunted by too many dead faces, taunting me the whole night long.
***
When I awake a few hours later, I feel as if I haven’t slept at all. Banging on my hut door awakens me. I open the door. Mei stands there, swaying back and forth, looking up at me. She is adorable.
“Hello, Mei, come on in.” I open the door farther. She looks around and then climbs up on a chair, her legs tangled from the height.
“I couldn’t find you, princess,” she says.
I sit across from her. “I had to do a job, but I’m back now.”
She bobbles her little head in understanding. Then she twines her hands together, looking shy. “Granddad said you are sad.”
A lump rises in my throat, but I push it back down. “Yes, my dad died.”
She bobbles her head again. “But he’s in heaven now with God.” I’m not too sure if the child understands what death is.
“My mammy and daddy are in heaven too. I will ask Mammy to take care of your daddy.”
She sounds so matter of fact, her words warm my heart. “Thank you, Mei. That would be lovely.”
She beams and climbs off her chair, coming over to me. I don’t know what to do, but she climbs into my lap and curls into me. Her little hands wrap around my neck. “Don’t be sad, princess. I will be your friend.” My hands hang loosely at my side briefly, but I hug her back, her words giving me strength.
“Mei.” I hear Ndee calling her name.
I take her off my lap. “Come on, we better get you home.”
She places her little hand in mine as we leave my hut. I have to face the world; I can’t hide out forever.
Ndee gives Mei a stern look. “Mei.” And then her eyes fall on me, full of sadness. “I am so sorry, princess.”
“Thank you, Ndee.” The settlement is quiet. “Where is everyone?”
Ndee picks up a reluctant Mei. “It is our day of mourning for the dead.”
I am touched by this act of kindness. They didn’t know my dad or Neve that well, yet they mourn for them. “Thank you, Ndee.”
“Princess, I wasn’t just looking for Mei, Musa requests your company in the main barn.”
I nod and then give Mei a kiss on the cheek. “I will see you later, Mei.” She waves until her hand nearly falls off.
“Okay, princess.” Her little face makes me smile as I cross the settlement to the main barn. Everyone is waiting inside, Mirium, Musa, Morrick, Tristan, Alana, Jessica and Mum.
They sit around the large table. Mirium has taken the head chair and to the left of him, Musa sits with Tristan, Jessica and Mum. Morrick is to his right with a space beside him. I sit down, Alana is on the other side of me.
“Now that we are all here, we shall get started,” Mirium says. I’m unsure what all this is about, but I will find out soon.
Mirium turns to me. “I know this has been very hard on you, Sarajane, and you have not been told the reason you are here, but…” He looks at Morrick and Musa. “We spoke and agreed that you are strong enough for the truth.” I shift in my chair before Mirium starts. “This world was created by four fallen angels. It was their punishment. But after centuries, they were forgiven. So God allowed them passage back into heaven, but they still remain here.”
There is an intake of breath from everyone around the room. Obviously, not everyone knew this. That makes me feel a bit better. I’m not the only one in the dark.
“The four of them can only return to heaven when they join together, but there is one angel missing that will not complete the circle.” This all sounds like a child’s story. “So God created a vessel that he filled with great powers beyond our beliefs. This vessel would vanquish Lucian, the angel who has turned to the dark world, and help the other angels return to heaven, giving Saskia back to the people that now live here.” Mirium stops to let this all sink in. I was following perfectly, but just don’t get what this has to do with me. “The vessel would come in the form of a young lady who would not live in this world, but would pass through fire to get here. The door would be closed to her until her destiny is compl
ete.” I squirm in my chair, feeling uncomfortable with the way Mirium is looking at me. “You, Sarajane, are the vessel.”
I am finding it hard to breathe. I glance around the table, faces blur together so I focus on Mirium. “I’m only a girl, Mirium. I’m emotional, and I can’t fight or make sense of a lot of things. I can’t be…”
Mirium gives me a sad smile. “You are the one, Sarajane.”
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
SARAJANE
I peek up at my mother, who looks absolutely horrified. “You expect my daughter to go up against Lucian? Mirium, you know what he is like. I won’t allow it.” My mother rises, her body visibly shaking. “Sarajane, Jessica, we’re going home.” Then she looks at Morrick. “I won’t lose her, Morrick. I’m sorry.”
Morrick stands then. “Marta, Saskia will no longer exist. The longer the angels are here, everyone will die.”
My mother lets out a tortured scream. “I don’t care! I will not lose my daughter. No.”
I don’t say anything but watch the back and forth between my mother and Morrick who can’t seem to agree.
Morrick winces, he gives Mirium a look before he faces my mother. “Marta, she can’t leave.”
My mother moves around the table, grabbing my arm. “You can’t stop us.”
She pulls my arm until I stand up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I can’t seem to respond to this madness. Maybe it’s losing my dad, nearly losing Jessica, finding out I’ve powers and now my mother was defending me.
“Marta, she can’t leave because the door is closed to her. You can try, but she has to stay here.”
Fear runs all over my body. My mother lets me go like she got an electrical shock. My mind whizzes through this information but halts as the sound of my mother’s hand connecting with Morrick’s face has everyone frozen.
“How could you do this to her?”
I want to intervene. It’s painful to watch my mother so distressed. Morrick stands there as she repeatedly hits his chest, and then she crumbles in his arms. “How could you?” she cries.
I glance around at everyone else, they are all still seated and they look so far out of their depth with a crying woman. Jessica’s chair pushes back as she stands too. I feel so far out of my depth, but the only thing running through my head is that I would never see home again. What about my dad? Would I get to bury him? My heart pounds rapidly in my chest. I never had a chance at saving him. If I had picked my dad, Jessica would be dead now. I would never have had enough time to get back to her. My legs shake with the cruelty of the queen.
“Marta, please sit. This isn’t helping,” Morrick says gently and carefully. My mother steps away from him and sits back down indicating for myself and Jessica to do the same. She dries her face with the hem of her shirt.
“Sarajane, I know this is very overwhelming, but it is your destiny,” Mirium says.
“I never had a chance at saving my dad did I?” My throat and eyes burn as I stare at Mirium. He knew this all along.
“I’m so sorry.”
My tears dry up, I’m so sick of hearing that word. “I can never go home?” I ask.
Mirium’s grey eyes look sad. “Not right now. No, but we are all here to help you.”
As if that will give me comfort. I feel too shocked to take all this in. “So I have to kill an angel and help the other three back to heaven or else everyone dies?”
Mirium only nods.
“So I must save the world?” The irony is a joke.
“Yes,” Mirium replies.
“And this is why either everyone is trying to kill or capture me or use my family against me?”
“There is far more to explain, Sarajane. Deception runs deep, but there are lots of people willing to help you. But later I will try to educate you on, let’s say, our political front in all of this.”
I nod my head, not sure of what else to do. The fact I never could have saved my dad is going around my head on a loop.
My mother shifts beside me and when I look at her, hate radiates from her eyes. “You knew this and still took my daughter from her home and dropped her here?” My mothers accusation is flung at Mirium who looks tired now.
“Marta, the clock has started to tick. We left Sarajane as long as we could. If we didn’t bring her here, someone would have tracked her down and killed her, leaving us all with no future. You have seen that yourself with Bellona and Lucian.”
“If I’m so great then why kill me if it will kill this world?”
Mirium lets out a deep breath. “Because you are too powerful and fear of something greater makes people want to destroy it. They do not see beyond their own personal goals or greed. They see only what they want to. And then others do not believe that the angels will destroy us. They haven’t so far, so you are just a threat they must eliminate or use for their own personal gains. Sarajane, we will continue this conversation later, but first, Musa would like to address us all.”
Musa rises, nodding at Mirium. “I will be brief. Firstly, I am truly sorry about Neve and John. You have my deepest sympathies. Neve will be buried here tonight.” Musa directs his attention to my mother now. “You will return to the mortal world.”
My stomach tightens and I watch as my mother grips Jessica’s hand. “Yes, with Jessica.”
“Yes, there is nothing keeping Jessica here.“ Musa gives me a sidelong glance.
My mother turns fully in her chair so she is facing me. “But we will come back to you.”
I can’t reply. The pain is too much so I just nod. Come back to me. Not for me. Was I ever really going to see home again?
Musa continues cutting off my thoughts. “Secondly, I cannot house any of you much longer.”
Morrick half rises from the table his face tightening. Musa raises a warning hand. “I am sorry, but I cannot put my people in any more danger. Your traitor was already too much of a threat.”
A ripple courses through my body at this news. They had found a traitor. “Who was the traitor?” I ask Musa.
“It was Liber, Sarajane.” Alana answers before giving Tristan an apologetic look. “That’s how I knew about the fence and the horse when I…” She let the rest die. I didn’t blame her for not finishing.
“I will house you for a few more days, but that is it. I cannot put my people in any more danger,” Musa says.
“Musa, think about what you are saying. She is our vessel.” Morrick objects.
Mirium puts a hand on his shoulder. “It is the way it is meant to be, Morrick. We need to leave anyway and make our way to Hummus.”
So not only do I find out I have to save the world, I have to leave to another unknown place.
“That is all, my friends. I will leave you now, and, princess, God is gracious.” Musa leaves the barn. Very insightful.
“We will leave it there for now,” Mirium says. You would think we were just chitchatting, as everyone starts to get up and leave. I can’t seem to move. My mother holds onto Jessica but when she notices I’m not behind them she pauses.
“Sarajane?“
“Just give me a minute.“ I tell her. Or two minutes or a million so I can try to process all of this. Everyone leaves except for Mirium.
“I volunteered to go to John because I knew you couldn’t. At the time, you knowing that you couldn’t go back would have done no good.”
His words are true but the sense of betrayal I feel has my eyes burning.
“I never had a chance.” I bite my lip to stop the tears that threaten to flow. “I never had a chance Mirium.” Tears fall and I wipe them away quickly.
“There’s this hole or gap in my chest.” I rub my chest where I feel the pain. “It won’t stop.” My lip trembles.
Mirium walks to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “Losing someone you love is never easy Sarajane. The hole is your pain, your loss. The most important thing right now is what you fill it up with.” He tilts his head as he gives me a soft smile.
Anger snakes through me
and I want to reach for it, use it. But I know that’s the easiest thing to use. Instead I swallow my pain and get up.
“Thanks.”
Mirium nods and walks beside me in silence as we move through the settlement. It’s when I’m close to my hut he touches my arm.
“I will come to your hut tonight and you can ask me any questions you want. I will answer them to the best of my ability.”
“Thanks, Mirium.”
We part then and when I reach my hut I pause. I don’t want to be alone right now. All I’ll do is cry, so I make my way to the main dining room. Everyone is there, but only a few whisper and talk amongst themselves.
Conversations cease as soon as I walk in. Just great, now I’m a freak. I get in line and try to ignore the side glances that are thrown my way. I’m not hungry but I get a bowl of soup and a roll. Turning, I try to ignore all the half hidden glares that are filled with fear and questions. I spot Alana and sit down beside her and Kiar. Alana tries to muster up some enthusiasm when I arrive. “So you are our saviour.”
I give a small smile. I want to say how they got a raw deal, but Kiar’s bowed head hurts. He won’t look at me. All he does is cut his fish into tiny little bits.
“Kiar, how are you?” I ask.
When he finally looks at me, his eyes are bloodshot. “How do you think I am?” He gets up and leaves.
I bite my lip and shrug as Alana gets up too. I can’t blame them. Neve is dead, and it’s my fault.
Some part of me sighs as Alana sits across from me so we are face to face. She wasn’t leaving. “He does not mean it, Sarajane. He is just upset.”
Alana’s easy words are like balm on a burn. I want to hold on to them even if they are false. “What do I do about everything?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I really don’t know, but it will come to you. You are smart.”
Yeah, really smart, getting everyone killed around me.
“Princess.” I look at Mei as she smiles up at me. I can see Ndee walk over towards us, her intentions clear.
“It is fine, Ndee, really.” I say the moment she reaches for Mei’s hand. Mei right now is a welcomed distraction. Ndee gives me a sceptical look. “Cross my heart,” I say.