~~~~~
“Sylvia? Did you leave the back door open for a reason?” Andy asked from the kitchen of their Las Vegas home. After the vacation debacle to Pine Valley, Andy took Sylvia to an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, Mexico to make up for his lack of candor and risky behavior that nearly got them caught in the crossfire. By day three, Sylvia found it in her heart to forgive the gambler. Andy dubbed it poolside forgiveness, which was good enough for him. After so many years together, Sylvia had to admit there were few dull moments, although the Pine Valley escapade was a little more than she wanted to try again. Still, it was good to see Nicky, and his friends seemed nice, especially Shauna.
“Say again,” Sylvia said from the family room.
“The back door. Are we starting up a fly circus, or is it open for some other reason?”
“You’re a smart ass. You know that, right?”
“Would you rather have me be a dumb ass?”
“Are you sure those are your only two options?”
“Well, I guess I could always just be a plain old ass,” Andy muttered to himself. He went to shut the door, but stopped just inside the threshold. There were tracks that led into the house, faint and barely noticeable, but clearly animal feet upon closer inspection. Andy did not like animals in his yard, he did not like passing them on sidewalks, and he really didn’t even care for them at zoos. The thought of them inside his house agitated him more than a little.
Andy left the door standing open and hesitantly followed the tracks across the floor. He crouched low and walked on his tiptoes, not really sure why. He rationalized he was in stealth mode and had the element of surprise on his side just in case it was mountain lion, even though mountain lions didn’t live in the desert. After a few tentative steps by Andy, Sylvia entered the kitchen to see what he was talking about.
“What are you doing?” Sylvia asked. “You look like one of those loons on Animal Planet who pick up poisonous snakes with their bare hands.”
“Shhh!” Andy pleaded.
He pointed at the floor, at which Sylvia stared blankly. She raised her arms in the air, still oblivious to Andy’s reference.
“Animal tracks,” Andy said, pointing again to the floor.
Sylvia readjusted her gaze and saw why Andy possessed a heightened sense of paranoia. The kitchen ran in an L shape, which the tracks followed. Andy and Sylvia turned the corner and saw the pantry door ajar with the tracks trailing inside. Andy grabbed a whisk from the counter and proceeded to the pantry.
“What are you going to with that?” Sylvia whispered. “Whip it up some eggs?”
Andy looked at the kitchen utensil and realized its impracticality, but had nothing else to grab. “Maybe it will be afraid of stainless steel.”
“Yes, that’s common with color blind animals.”
Andy stopped dead in his tracks and looked at his wife. “O.K., who’s being the smart ass now?”
“I’m just saying we don’t know what’s in there. Maybe we should back off and call animal control or the police.”
“No cops. I’ve had my fill of the boys in blue.”
“Well, it’s a better choice than getting eaten by a bear.”
“I’m pretty sure the only bears in Las Vegas are at Circus Circus.”
“Excuse me, I’m not as well versed in animal husbandry as you are, Mr. Expert. Haven’t we had enough excitement for a while?” Sylvia argued.
By now both were turned toward each other, oblivious to the pantry door opening and the St. Bernard walking out toward them.
“The only thing I’m claiming to be well versed in is there’s a beast inside our house, and I’m king of my domain, and that thing’s not welcome,” Andy said pointing to the pantry. As they followed Andy’s outstretched arm, they caught the visual of Bernie with a Cheese-it box stuck on the end of his nose.
“Let me tell ya’ll what I’m well versed in. You’re plumb out of crackers, and a little water in a bowl sure would go a long way, son. Can somebody get this fool box off my nose? Please?”
~~~~~
The End (for now)
Thank you so much for reading my book. If you had fun reading it and enjoyed the experience, please feel free to submit a review at your favorite retailer.
Thanks!
Joseph S. Davis
About the Author
“The Bernie Factor” is the author’s first completed work, although there are a couple others in progress. Joseph S. Davis has never officially been in the witness protection program, but he would consider the opportunity, to better create various pseudonyms and pen names at the government's expense. He currently resides in Colorado with his wife, two children, and a non-telepathic dog. That’s the story he’s sticking with, at least for the time being.
Acknowledgements
A special thanks goes to my family, especially my wife, Janet. You supported me through the whole process, encouraged me when I needed it, gave me a kick in the ass when I deserved it, and motivated me to finish what I wasn’t sure I was even qualified to start. You were the first to read it and the first to give it a critical eye. Your eagerness for the next installment spurred me to complete the project, one chapter at a time. Whether critiquing the storyline, choosing book titles, or picking and manipulating cover designs, you were the most important part of the process. Without you, this never happens. Thank you and I love you.
As for my kids, yes, this means you finally get to read the book! You may not think you were not part of the process, but you inspired me to do something I never did before. I wanted you to see and understand that you’re never too old to chase a dream. Don’t ever let somebody tell you what you're capable of doing or define who you want to become. Life’s a process, just like writing a book. There’s a million different ways to do it. You’ve got to find your own way. Simply believe in yourself, surround yourself with the right people, stay mentally strong, and know that nothing’s impossible with God. Thank you both and I love you, too.
I cannot minimize the importance of proofreading. In this specific arena, I suck. With a great piece of advice from my wife, I found the most logical choice to remedy my shortcoming - my daughter’s sixth grade teacher, Patricia Nash. When she returned the manuscript, I used a pink highlighter to mark all of her corrections and comments. This took me a week. My work became quite colorful, just not in the way I imagined! Needless to say, she saved me from publishing a book replete with errors. Thank God for great teachers with big hearts! Thank you so much for polishing the final product and sparring me the embarrassment of publishing a grammatical nightmare.
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but that’s exactly what we do. With literally millions of options out there, this couldn’t be any truer in the ebook industry. To that end, I want to thank my artist/graphic designer, Noah Hummel, for agreeing to take on the incredibly important job of cover design. With my artistic abilities limited to awkward stick figures, Noah brought my vision into reality. I couldn’t be happier with the final product!
And to all of my beta test samples that received copies to read and market on my behalf, thank you for your candor and support. I could never have gotten this out to the people without your help, and I will be eternally grateful for your help and social networking skills. And last, but certainly not least, thank you, the readers, who navigated the seemingly endless choices and found my little creation, alone and adrift on a vast sea of other options. I suppose I’m still an author, even if nobody reads my book, but I’ll take a pleased audience every day! Please stay tuned for more books to come!!!
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