‘Where is it coming out of? Her arse?’ Jackie asked.
’It sounds like it’s coming from somewhere higher up than her arse,’ Jim said. ‘Unless her arse is in a totally different place to ours, that is.’
‘Come on girls. Let’s look for a noisy hole,’ Pat said. Jackie, Wee Renee, Lauren and Pat rolled her over. There were no mouths visible. Lauren moved her long hair away from the back of her. Picking it up like she was putting it into a ponytail. There at the back of her neck was a blowhole like a dolphin. That was where the noises were coming from.
’Well flap me sideways,’ Ernie said. The blowhole seemed to be gasping somehow, which didn’t look good. However, Wee Renee was right, if it had been watching Jim all the time, it didn’t have to be under the water.
‘Flip her back over and tie her hair up Lauren. At least we stopped some of the noise. She looks like she is struggling a bit as we’ve taped her mouth up. We can’t stop the noise out of the hole. It looks like it’s a primary airway for her. Let’s hope she gets tired,’ Wee Renee said.
‘Yes, she’s fine,’ Pat said.
They got on with talking about her is if she wasn’t there. She had quite human eyes, small nostrils and thick lips. Her hair was long and looked like it had never been cut. Her fingers were webbed in between, and she seemed, as far as they could see, to have no lower sex organs. There was no doubt that she was a woman as she had breasts and the hint of a waist. She didn’t have a fish's tail, but she did have cloven hooves.
‘That is definitely a Kelpie,’ Wee Renee said.
’She is not as fit as she seemed at first,’ Jim said.
‘She looked bloody gorgeous from where I was standing, maybe I need better specs.’ Liz coughed and looked towards Julia. Pat laughed loudly, and Jackie nudged her.
’We’ll talk about that statement Jim when everyone’s gone,’ Julia said curtly.
‘Her lips, did you see how they were. They were kind of nearly fish-like,’ Liz said.
‘You can get the same look with lip fillers,’ Lauren said absentmindedly.
’Never mind her lips,’ Julia said. ‘What are we going to do with her? She is really in the way there. How do we get into bed? We do live here, you know.’
Jim looked around the boat for a moment, quickly scanning spaces that could fit the captive.
‘We could shove her in the cupboard,’ Jim said.
’Aw, you can’t do that,’ Liz said. ‘Poor thing.’
’She’ll kill you as quick as look at you Liz, don’t have any sympathy with her,’ Wee Renee said.
’Right it’s a cupboard, or she’s coming to your house Liz,’ Julia growled.
‘Cupboard,’ Liz said.
’I’ll think about what to do later,’ Wee Renee said.
‘We won’t leave you hanging. The cupboard will probably cut out some of the noise. You don’t want her attracting anything new, or signalling the rest of her family, do you?’
‘What!’ Julia exclaimed.
’We’ll put her in the cupboard then,’ Jim said.
Soon she was jammed in the cupboard. It was tall and narrow, nearly as big as a single wardrobe. Julia had been storing her winter clothes in there, which were now piled up on the bed.
‘Let’s have a whisky after that,’ Jim said. Everyone partook, even Wee Renee who usually only drank sweet sherry. Each sipped at their drink, going over the last couple of hour’s events. Silently their minds raced with what to do next. How to keep her quiet? How to communicate and get answers? Who would guard her? Was there any more of her kind? What to feed her? Would she need the toilet? Only one person spoke, however.
’That cupboard will stink of fish now,’ Julia said shaking her head.
Bob and Adam wished they weren’t at School. They had many reasons. Like it was a Monday, and it was School and there was probably a lot more fun to be had down by the river. Apart from those, the main reason was that they seemed to be ostracised by the rest of the boys in their class.
It didn’t even seem like they were talking amongst themselves. They just walked around in a group like a flock of seagulls or a shoal of fishes. A shoal of fishes exactly. The menacing cell didn’t seem to talk to one another, but they did seem to communicate some way. The boys could tell.
Bob and Adam seemed to be the beneficiaries of plenty of dirty looks. Occasionally they would stop and stare at them, so they must be communicating some way. The two friends were glad that they had each other.
At lunch break, they sat on the wall eating their sandwiches. Taking in every detail, they watched this new shoal of fishes drifting around the playground in between other groups of kids. More had joined them. More from different years. Most of them were siblings of the older boys. Any kid that wasn’t with the shoal was being stared at.
‘This shit is getting weird,’ Adam said.
’Yeah, something’s going on. And in broad daylight too,’ Bob said.
‘They’re keeping themselves to themselves alright,’ Adam said.
‘I’m glad. I don’t want to catch what they’ve got over there. I don’t want to get infected. It’s something to do with those eggs. They touch them or eat them, I don’t know, but I am so pleased that we didn’t have any. It all started after they had been to the river. I’m sure of that,’ Bob said.
’I wonder how our gang are getting on? I bet they’ve caught it!’ Adam exclaimed.
’I don’t know, but I wish I was with them now. We are massively missing out on a right good thing. What if it goes back in the water and we never see it?’ Bob asked.
’Yeah, but they are not seeing this are they?’ Adam said.
‘No, we’ve got tell them. It’s got too freaky,’ Bob said.
’We will tonight at Band,’ Adam confirmed.
18 Ugly
Alan was instantly worried about the quality of the practice that evening. As soon as they had come in, they were chattering, talking, and gasping in shock. The whole Band were still talking five minutes after the start time.
Alan sat on his tall chair at the front, his arms folded. He stared at all of them, waiting for them to notice him. By the time that they did, they were all a little embarrassed and quickly got their instruments out and sat down. Their faces all turned towards Alan, pretending it hadn’t happened.
’It looks like a group chat will be in order soon. Shall we at least try to play some music?’ Alan asked sarcastically.
He started with Hymn. He was dismayed to find as always when the Band had a lot on their mind, they didn’t sound at their best. Then he asked them to do a March, to see if that would perk them up, but he was finding it hard work to keep them together and on the beat.
‘Bloody Hell, this is like pulling teeth,’ Alan said.
He put his conductor's baton back on the stand and flopped back down on his tall chair. His face expressionless, observed them all. He sighed.
’Go on, I’ll buy it. What’s going on?’ Alan asked.
Ernie had heard them stop and could also tell that they seemed to be playing a bit out of sorts. He had already wandered in at the back of their rehearsal room by the time Alan was speaking.
’There is stuff going on in Friarmere again, as you well know, Alan. And we have to deal with it,’ Pat stated. ‘Today it stepped up a gear.’
‘We are trying to get all the details, as we weren’t in on the most recent happenings,’ Gary explained.
’And we don’t know a lot of what’s gone on because we are over in Melden,’ Terry said. ‘From the bits I got from other people’s conversations it sounds crazy.’
’I was talking about fancy dress costumes with Hazel actually. We weren’t all talking about that,’ Liz said.
‘Oh yes, is everyone sorted for the weekend?’ Ernie asked. ‘We don’t want to let the side down when we go over to Moorston. Everyone make an effort; it is a Wedding after all.’
’Rehearsal officially over,’ Alan said. ‘Let’s get this trouble sorted out. You�
��re no use to me how you are. Any talk of fancy dress and I’m off though. I’ve got Ann pecking my head all the time about it at home. Do that in your own time.’
‘I tell you what, before we get into the meat of this thing, let’s go into the other room where it’s more comfortable. This is the place to make music. That’s the place for stories,’ Ernie said. He walked into the hall. From experience, he knew that when people got chatting, they got very dry.
’Sue, Bren, Ann!’ Ernie shouted.
’Yes, Ernie!’ Brenda replied.
’Can you three brew up for everyone, please. We’ll be having it in the Tales room,’ Ernie said.
’Ooh yes!’ Brenda said, a little excitedly.
The rest of the band put away their instruments and found themselves a chair in The Dark Pennine Tales Room. Ernie and Freddie switched on the lamps around the edge of the room. It was not cold enough for the fire. In time-honoured tradition however, they still faced the fireplace as the focal point of the room. A few of the others went in and helped Sue, Brenda and Ann to bring in drinks and biscuits. Soon everyone had one, even Adam and Bob who were sitting on the floor and had opted for a hot squash and a Kit-Kat each.
’Well, who’s starting?’ Ernie said. ‘I think I know most of it. Do you want to begin, Wee Renee?’
‘I think as its Jim’s area, we should let him tell the tale,’ Wee Renee said. Jim was happy about this. He wanted to tell it his way.
’For the benefit of those of you who either haven’t been to the Pub or have not been in the Park yesterday or today, I’ll go through the lot of it, from go to woe,’ Jim said.
About a third of the Band knew all of it, some knew the half of it, and the rest knew none of it. Jim hoisted his trousers up, stood tall and began his story.
‘Last week on the narrowboat one morning, we had an intruder, me and Jue. Something was on the end of the boat; I still don’t know what. It was quite a dark, hulking thing. It jumped off when it saw me and swam away under the water. I thought it might be a frogman, in his garb. I only saw it out of the corner of my eye. I thought nothing of it at the time, only that it was going to try and either spy on Julia getting undressed or that it was someone wanting to steal something,’ Jim said. He put his finger up in the air to signal he hadn’t finished, took a large swig of tea, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and continued.
‘The day after, I started to see a woman on that patch of land in the middle of the river called Black Island, you know the one I mean. Sometimes she was there and sometimes she wasn’t. At first, she didn’t look at me but then she started to try and attract my attention, by playing with her hair and giving me the glad eye,’ Jim said. At this point, he winked at Ann, who he had known for years. She shook her head. Jim needed no encouragement.
‘She was also singing something in a language I couldn’t make out. A couple of days ago, I walked over to the riverbank when she was there, just to see what was going on. The river is very high at the moment for some reason, which is not normal as we’ve not had loads of rain,’ Jim said. Now he began to act out the next part, which made the story all the more exciting.
‘I got to the edge; the river is right up in the grass now. I looked down and there was frogspawn or something like that in the water, which again is generally seen in the Spring, so unusual. Anyway, this woman on the island was singing, and I had my eyes on her when I heard something that sounded like a rattlesnake in the bushes. I didn’t know right there and then, but I must have been in a lot of danger,’ Jim said, a shocked look on his face. Brenda had her hand over her mouth, listening to the tale.
‘Lucky for me, Julia shouted me for my tea. Listen to this as well, a similar thing has happened to someone else. Rick’s girlfriend Lauren from the Pub was in the Park and heard a rattling sound too,’ Jim said. The rest of the Band looked at Rick, who nodded as he flared his nostrils in anger.
‘Fast-forward to yesterday afternoon, a few of us went on a picnic, and Wee Renee gathered some of the spawn,’ Jim said.
’That’s perished actually,’ Wee Renee interrupted.
’I told you not to stick it in with all that lube. They are handy items, condoms, but they aren’t for carrying wildlife in,’ Pat said.
’It might have been the dressing off my pasta salad. I remembered after that there was a sachet of sweet chilli sauce with it too. I put that in,’ Liz said.
‘For God’s sake, and you only just thought of that gem,’ Andy said.
’Well whatever, I’ll have to go and get some more, and I’ll be prepared this time,’ Wee Renee said.
’Back to yesterday,’ Jim said. ‘Wee Renee gathered the spawn. Rick’s girlfriend was eating some cucumber by the side of the river and this woman who had been giving me the come-on, kind of sprung out of the side of the river and did a runner with the cucumber.’
’I don’t understand. Is this a real woman?’ Terry asked.
’I’ll get to that,’ Jim said. ‘Today, knowing that she liked a bit of cucumber, this was Wee Renee’s idea, we used it as bait and a few of us managed to trap her, which was quite a hairy moment.’
’Where is she now?’ Hazel asked.
’She’s in the cupboard on my boat,’ Jim explained.
There were a few gasps in the room.
’On her own?’ Gary asked.
’No, she’s under guard. She’s making a load of noise and we don’t want unwelcome visitors, so Ivy, the other Police Officer, has agreed in an unofficial capacity to stay on the boat with Julia until I am back. Martyn has assured us she could be trusted with our kind of business,’ Jim said.
’I will ask again, ‘Terry said. ‘What is she?’
’Apparently according to Wee Renee, she’s a rare female Kelpie,’ Jim told them.
‘Now I know, I’m none the wiser,’ Terry said.
’What she like?’ Carl asked quite amazed.
’Ugly,’ Pat said.
’She’s not that ugly,’ Jackie said, ‘come on. With make-up on, her head would pass muster.
’’I’ve seen her. She’s green up to the neck and she does have a human type head, as Jackie says, with long brown hair. Her face is kind of, I don’t know… reptilian. It’s her lips that do that mainly because her eyes are pretty normal. Guess what, she’s got hooves for feet. Greeny-black ones,’ Ernie said.
’And webbed fingers, don’t forget that,’ Maurice added.
’Yes, that’s true. Five fingers and a thumb, more claw-like fingernails, but in between they are webbed,’ Jim said. ‘And she’s got a bloody blowhole at the back of her neck, which she can screech out of.’
‘What comes out of there?’ Ann asked.
‘Air and noise up to yet. I have been walking along the bank this afternoon, trying to make loads of noise to try and cover it all. But it has meant that I found out a few other things. Trivial, but it all adds up doesn’t it?’ Jim said.
’What did you find out?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘I walked along the canal bank singing loudly myself actually, trying to cover up at the noise. Luckily for all of us, the fishermen on the canal were not that near to the narrowboat. I went over and we got chatting. I figured, if they were concentrating on the conversation with me, they wouldn’t hear her dulcet tones,’ Jim said, laughing.
’What did you find out?’ Andy asked.
’That they have noticed that near the river it is marshy and spreading nearly all the way to the canal bank. They said if it got worse people wouldn’t be able to walk on it and the Waterways should do something about it. They were just packing up. Empty lines all day, no fish. And that happened yesterday too. They haven’t seen any frogs or newts either. Occasionally in the morning, they used to see the odd rat. They haven’t been making an appearance either,’ Jim said.
’That’s interesting,’ Gary said. ‘Those facts seem to point to the fact that there is no, what I would call, natural Friarmere wildlife left. It sounds to me that all the missing animals fell fo
ul to something bigger. They were further down the food chain to this predator,’ Gary said.
’Predators,’ Wee Renee advised them. ‘You remember the rattling noise of shells that Jim said he heard and young Lauren heard. That has nothing to do with the Kelpie that we caught. I think that is a Shellycoat. Another deadly creature.’
‘Remember too that this Kelpie likes cucumber. They may be vegetarian and not eat rats or newts,’ Liz said. ‘What’s eating all the meat?’
‘Trust you to think of that,’ Andy said.
‘Liz is right, all our evidence points to that fact that the Kelpie is a vegetarian,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Another reason why I say predators to you.’
Hell And High Water Page 10