’No, I’ve not heard of anything nasty going on over here, near the river or anywhere else,’ Our Doris said. ‘But as I am out for a walk anyway, that’s where me and Haggis will go, and I will report back.’
’If possible, could you take someone with you. I don’t want to be responsible for your death, Our Doris,’ Wee Renee said.
‘It’s as serious as that, is it?’ Our Doris asked.
‘Aye,’ Wee Renee said simply.
‘So, someone’s died?’ Our Doris asked.
‘No. It might get to that. Don’t be that person Our Doris. Water monsters seem to be particularly fearsome.’ Wee Renee explained.
’I see. I’ll have Haggis with me. He’s someone,’ Our Doris assured her.
’No, he’s not enough. If you have a Kelpie or Sea Witch there, a Westie will just be a meal for them. They’re eating fingers, Our Doris! Could you call for someone else? Someone a bit handy,’ Wee Renee said.
’How about Nigel? I can see if he would come down with me to check it out. He only works at night in the Kebab Shop,’ Our Doris offered.
’Yes, that’s great. If he can’t, don’t go down on your own. You can always wait until later and take Terry with you,’ Wee Renee said.
’I’ll check it out for you, and I won’t put myself in any danger. Don’t worry,’ Our Doris said.
The next call was to Pat.
‘How is she? What are the wounds like?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘She’s fine, up and eating as normal. The holes are shrinking – less green. It was a bit of good stuff you gave me in that mustard pot, Rene,’ Pat said.
‘I thought it would dry and draw out the pus,’ Wee Renee said happily.
‘I tell you what Rene, that girl will be scarred for the rest of her life. I am hopping mad about it,’ Pat said angrily.
‘We’ll cross that bridge too. I have something else for scarring. Keep on putting the preparation on. If you run out, there’s plenty more where that came from, but I want the pot back!’ Wee Renee told her.
‘Fair enough,’ Pat said.
Wee Renee then rang the Hairdressers in Moorston. A young apprentice answered the phone and Wee Renee asked for Agnes, who was the owner.
‘I can book you in with her, she’s busy,’ the girl said grumpily.
‘It’s fine love, you won’t get in trouble, I am one of her friends. Put her on,’ Wee Renee explained.
She heard the girl shout over the hairdryers, ‘Agnes, there’s a Scottish woman on the phone, says she’s your friend!’
’Wee Renee?’ Agnes said, on the line almost immediately.
‘Hello love, how are you?’ Wee Renee asked.
’I’m fine, I was looking forward to meeting up with you again this weekend at the Wedding,’ Agnes said.
’Yes, well about that … I think we might be in for a bit of a time,’ Wee Renee began. She then briefly told her of the problems in Friarmere.
’What I’m calling you about is, have you seen anything in the river or heard of any problems near to the river in Moorston? Have you seen any Sirens, Naiads or Shellycoats? Because you know Naiads can be jealous of a beautiful woman. They are usually the first presences to appear during an onset of water troubles. I read about it last night. We’ve not had any yet. I am keeping my eye on Lauren here, she is in danger too,’ Wee Renee said.
’Er slow down Wee Renee, that was a lot of info … for a start, I don’t know what any of those look like. If I had seen one, I wouldn’t know it from any other thingamajig. If they are only water-dwellers, I don’t go by the river to come to the Salon. It is not on my way home. I can have a look at the river and ask about,’ Agnes said.
’Yes please, if you don’t mind. If you do come across anything, tie its hands up then it can’t swim away, Agnes,’ Wee Renee said.
’Oh. Fair enough, I will,’ Agnes said. She heard Wee Renee take another big breath to say something else.
’Agnes, under no circumstances should you eat cucumber near the river. In fact, don’t take any salad. Play it safe,’ Wee Renee advised her.
’I was going to do it at lunch, but I don’t have cucumber, so I should be ok,’ Agnes said.
‘What have you got?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘Corned beef and brown sauce,’ Agnes said.
’That’s permitted. Take someone with you, Lee or Graham. Don’t go on your own and report back to me, whether you find anything or not,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Once I know the truth, I will activate the next part of your mission,’ Wee Renee said.
’Looking forward to it,’ Agnes said, who was quite confused but excited about this.
’Two more things,’ Wee Renee said. ‘One is, even if you don’t see anything that resembles a monster or a er … naked lady, look for huge clusters of spawn, kind of like big frogspawn in the river. That’s a sign that it’s happening near you,’ Wee Renee said.
‘No cucumber. Naked. Spawn, right,’ Agnes said writing it down on a pad by the phone in the Salon.
’And the second thing is, don’t tell Tammy and Miles. We don’t want to put a downer on their big day, do we?’ Wee Renee asked.
’I agree. I’ll call you later Wee Renee,’ Agnes said.
’I’ll be waiting to hear from you,’ Wee Renee said.
Now Wee Renee didn’t know what to do with herself. She was itching to find out the truth but had to wait for phone calls from both of her contacts. Wee Renee was usually very good at being patient. It was the danger she had just put them in, which was making her impatient. She just hoped that they had listened to her and did not go alone.
Wee Renee thought she should check on Jackie’s wound’s herself. She would have liked to visit her. Taken her some grapes, or homemade soup. But that would have to wait. Today it was important that she stayed by her phone. She would get distracted for too long at Pat’s house.
Agnes wasn’t going until lunch and Our Doris had further to walk. Wee Renee calculated she just had enough time to nip to the shops.
Because of that, the first news she got that day was from Jim and Julia, who had been lurking in the Café all morning and accidentally saw her outside the pie shop. They told her about their direct contact with the Shellycoat and the boldness of the Kelpies.
’I want to sell the boat,’ Julia said. ‘I want to get off the canal and away from anything to do with water,’ Julia burst out crying. Wee Renee gave her a tissue out of her pocket and put her arm around Julia. People glanced away as they walked past.
‘Do you want to come up to my house?’ Wee Renee asked, noticing the stares.
‘Yes,’ Julia said, without asking Jim. The two women set off with linked arms, Jim trailing behind.
When they got back to her house, they soon all had a cup of tea in their hands. Julia started again.
‘I mean Wee Renee, can you imagine, night and day having that hell hole so close to your house. We don’t have a back door, do we? They could come from the deck or the water. We’re surrounded. I don’t want to be there,’ Julia said, crying again. Wee Renee passed her a box of tissues.
‘I’d feel the same,’ Wee Renee said.
’Julia hold your horses, it’s not the water. We’ve been on the water for years and never had this. And it’s not Friarmere. Everyone else lives here happily. It’s just bad timing,’ Jim said. ‘Everything will go back to normal soon.’
‘What you are forgetting Jim, is that normal around here means vampires and werewolves. People being skinned willy-nilly!’ Julia shrieked.
‘All that’s been sorted. That’s history,’ Jim said, dismissing Julia’s words with a waft of his hand.
’I have had information that what you are experiencing in the valley is the tip of the iceberg, Jim. Julia could be right. It might be time to get off the water and become a landlubber,’ Wee Renee said.
’Thanks, Wee Renee,’ Julia said.
’I’m not being pushed off my narrowboat, by them!’ Jim said, angrily pointing towards the river. ‘I’ve g
ot as much right to be on the water as they have and I’m standing my ground.’
’You’ll be underground, that’s what will happen,’ Julia said, beginning to cry again. ‘I’m more scared about you than me, because you keep being so bloody stupid and running into it. Thinking that you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger!’
Wee Renee felt like she was in the middle of a domestic and decided she had better shut up. What saved her from further awkwardness was the phone ringing. It was the first report back.
’Hello love, it’s Our Doris,’ said the voice on the other end of the phone.
’What do you know?’ Wee Renee asked.
’There is nothing in Melden Dike. I called for Nigel, and he came down with his big kebab knife,’ Our Doris laughed. ‘He was disappointed to find that there was nothing there. We looked everywhere but it was just as normal as it could be. Not one bit of spawn either,’ Our Doris said.
’Good, that’s one thing off my mind,’ Wee Renee said. ‘I have called Agnes in Moorston to see what’s going on there. I’ll find out what she knows soon, and then I’ll be in contact again. You may have to do to a bit of a round robin for me if you can, Our Doris. Just with the Melden folk if you can? And thank you so much for checking the river out for me,’ Wee Renee said.
’Always happy to get involved, you know me,’ Our Doris said.
Jim and Julia decided to get back to the narrowboat. It was clear that there was an atmosphere between them now, and Wee Renee burned some incense to balance her house after they had gone.
They found the river and Black Island very quiet. It looked like nothing had ever been there. Julia went to bed with a tea towel over her face. Jim sat on the deck of the boat, looking out. Sulking, but on guard.
It wasn’t until 4 o’clock that Wee Renee had a phone call from Agnes. She was getting quite worried and imagined that there was a problem. Agnes explained that she had to go out when everyone else had taken their lunch, and it also had to coincide with someone helping her.
In the end, Graham came with her. They walked to the river. Not only were they checking its danger. Graham told her of his strange Gamekeeper dream and asked if she believed that they meant anything. By the time they got there, it was 3.15. There was much to tell Wee Renee.
’When we got there, something was different, and I couldn’t work out what. But Graham said straight away that the water was a lot higher than usual, which it shouldn’t be because there’s been no rain. Graham thinks it seems a lot mossier down there, like on the path and trees. Everything is wet - again it hasn’t been raining, so we can’t understand why. The ground is totally soaked in between the path and the river,’ Agnes said.
‘Marshy, would you say?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘Exactly,’ Agnes answered.
’This isn’t boding well,’ Wee Renee said.
’The river was quite choppy as if there was some sudden flow from the hills. As we got closer, we could see the great lumps of spawn, Wee Renee. As Graham pointed out, even though the river was flowing fast, they are either really heavy or anchored someway, because the flow was not moving the spawn away,’ Agnes said.
Wee Renee had her eyes closed. At least her suspicions had been confirmed and she didn’t have to keep guessing what Sid meant.
‘Then Graham said, now that we had found this spawn, we should try and look for some of those other things you were talking about. As we walked towards the little bridge, Graham saw something spying on us, from underneath it. Do you know where that is Wee Renee?’ Agnes asked.
‘Aye, I do. Go on, what was there?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘Horrible it was. Its big flat eyes watched us from just above the water. It had a kind of big pointed head. It was freaky Wee Renee. Graham said it best when he described it as a fishy space alien. We pretended we didn’t see it and walked back the way we had come,’ Agnes said.
‘What colour was it?’ Wee Renee asked.
‘Black, I think. Anyway, by the time we got to where we had started, the Schools were out and oh, Wee Renee, there must have been fifty kids gathering spawn there. It was like Blackpool. I didn’t know whether to stop them or not. As Graham said, with what authority could we say they have to stop?’ Agnes asked. ‘Even the blooming Ice-cream man was there, doing a roaring trade.’
Wee Renee dropped down into her chair. This was horrific, how many children had this happened to? How long had this been going on now? How many parents were sitting with their children in silent houses, trying to get others to join their throng? She must have been quiet for a short time, while Agnes was waiting for a reply.
’Wee Renee? Wee Renee? Hello, are you still there?’ Agnes asked.
’I am love, sorry. I was just thinking. Listen, from what I believe it’s probably going to go down this weekend. So, this is the next part of your mission. Can you tell all of those in Moorston, including our friends, you know who I mean, don’t you?’ Wee Renee asked.
’Angela and her gang?’ Agnes asked.
‘Aye, tell them all. Human and undead. Bring something to fight with on Saturday, but don’t let Tammy and Miles see it. Hopefully, they are married and in the Honeymoon Suite before all this kicks off and end up knowing nothing about it,’ Wee Renee said.
’I’ll do that. See you Saturday,’ Agnes said.
’Yes, see you,’ Wee Renee said. She made a quick phone call to Our Doris and explained the situation too. Also telling her that her mission was to tell everyone in Melden to bring a concealed weapon. She then sat down and started to look at supernatural Sea and River creatures and what might look like a fishy Space alien.
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Agnes didn’t know where they all lived. When Len was in Moorston, they could always be found in the basement of the Bandroom. She did, however, know where two of them lived.
Vampire Jackie was still her best friend, and on occasion, Agnes still looked after Sheila, her disabled vampire mother. The fact that they were undead did not matter to Agnes. The fact that she was alive did not matter to them. They were friends, plain and simple.
Agnes rang the buzzer just after it had gone dark, to make sure that the two inhabitants were awake, but that Jackie had not yet gone out.
When Jackie knew who it was, she admitted her up to the flat and immediately put the kettle on.
’Hiya Ag,’ Jackie said.
‘Hi, Jackie. Hi, Sheila,’ Agnes shouted into the other room. Sheila shouted something back, which was unrecognisable over the sound of the television.
’We’ve got trouble Jackie,’ Agnes said anxiously.
Jackie dropped the spoon that she had been fishing the tea bag out of the cup with.
‘What’s going on?’ Jackie asked.
Agnes explained the phone call from Wee Renee and her subsequent visit to the river with Graham.
’She says we have got to be ready Saturday night, but not to tell Miles or Tammy,’ Agnes said.
’That’s fine,’ Jackie said. ‘As long as they come out of the water. You do realise that we can’t enter the river.’
’No, why?’ Agnes asked.
’We can’t cross fresh water like that. We can cross seawater. The best hope is that they come out into the Village. The ones that hide in the river we can’t get,’ Jackie said despondently.
’We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,’ Agnes said. ‘Me and the others will have to do the ones in the river. Can you let the others know please?’
’I’m out in a bit, I’ll tell them then,’ Jackie said. She passed Agnes her cup of tea. Agnes blew on it so she could drink it. She was ready for one after today and would probably have something stronger later.
‘Have you sorted out what you are going to go as this weekend?’ Agnes asked.
‘I’m not making a lot of fuss,’ Jackie said. ‘I have had to rack my brains as to what to dress Mum as. She saw the invite and got excited. I couldn’t tell her she wasn’t going,’ Jackie said, then she lowered her voice so that her mother definitely
wouldn’t be able to hear.
‘People are going that don’t know about us. Agnes, can you imagine if they clapped eyes on Mum. I love her to bits, it’s just … she’s a bit obvious and a bit dangerous, isn’t she?’ Jackie said quietly.
’I thought that yeah, but I didn’t want to say anything,’ Agnes said.
’Anyway, I’ve sorted her out and I’m going to just wear some stuff from when I was alive, you know?’ Jackie told her.
’What are you going as then?’ Agnes asked.
Hell And High Water Page 18