Agnes, Graham and Lee entered. Lee was very majestic in a crown with ermine robes. Graham was an old-style Gamekeeper with a replica rifle. Agnes had really gone for it and hired out a PVC Catwoman costume and mask. It clung to every curve of her figure. All the men looked over as she came in. Wee Renee was very proud of her.
It was nearly dark, and the final guests would be there soon. This bothered some people more than others. The last living guests that Wee Renee knew were Joe, Craig and a very sad looking Darren. Joe was dressed as Spiderman and it was a full costume, which made it hard to recognise him. However, he forgot that he had left his ponytail dangling out of the back of the overhead mask. Plus, the fact that he was with Craig and Darren. That gave it away.
Craig seemed to be a member of the French nobility which was very unexpected, and Darren had slicked his hair back and he was wearing a black leather jacket. He was quite clearly Danny Zuko from Grease. His hand was still bandaged up and would remain forever partial.
There weren’t many people there that Wee Renee and the others did not know and had not been with them on their adventures. Probably only about ten other people were in the room dressed as various fun characters. These must be Tammy and Miles’s family.
‘That’s not an obvious costume is it?’ Wee Renee said, gesturing to a man who had a dark old-fashioned haircut and was in a black suit. He was thickset and miserable.
‘It looks like he didn’t get the message that it was fancy dress,’ Jackie said.
‘No, he’s come as Fred West,’ Pat said firmly.
‘He hasn’t Pat, don’t say that,’ Wee Renee said, frowning at her. Pat smirked at Jackie; she knew she was being naughty.
Everyone started taking their seats and there wasn’t that much room left. There was some noise at the bottom of the stairs and then a clumping upwards.
Wee Renee wondered what it was and then saw that a wheelchair was being pushed through the door. Behind it was Jackie, who was very clearly dressed as a 1980s Madonna. The woman in the chair must be her mother. She was dressed up as a headless woman. A big white blouse covered the top of her head. Where her neck should be, a red silk scarf was crumpled. There were two small eyeholes, cut so that Sheila could see. There was a mannequin’s head on her lap, red nail varnish had been painted around the stump. Jackie had made sure that no one could see what Sheila looked like.
Behind them, Penelope came into the room, a gorgeous and regal Cleopatra. Marcel was also impressive; in high heels, he had dressed as Cher. Mark stood at the side of Penelope, strangely he had decided to come as Chucky, the killer doll. The final person behind them, with a bouffant blonde wig and an immaculate blue suit, was Angela, dressed as an eighties icon, Margaret Thatcher.
Wee Renee smiled at this. Naturally, Angela would dress like that and good luck to her. Another Iron Lady. Everyone greeted each other and there was an eerie atmosphere in the room. Miles and Tammy’s family felt it but did not understand why.
’Are you ready for tonight?’ Wee Renee asked Angela.
’Always, Wee Renee,’ Angela said.
’We’ll have to lure them out of the water to kill them,’ Penelope said.
’Jackie’s mother can’t be happy underneath that,’ Wee Renee said to Marcel.
’I can assure you, it is necessary darling,’ Marcel replied, glancing over at the members of Tammy and Miles’s family. ‘She has been fed but is awfully unpredictable.’ Wee Renee gave a small nod.
Pat was looking over to Julia and Jim, trying to catch their attention. She was successful and Julia mouthed the word ‘What’ to Pat. She put a finger up from each hand to either side of her mouth, signifying vampire's teeth.
‘The Vampires must be coming,’ Julia said to her husband. Jim craned his neck to see behind the party who had just arrived. The two teenagers, a disabled person in a wheelchair, a taller attractive woman, one who looked like a transvestite and a goofy man. He wished they would move so he that could see the Vampires.
’Please take your seats for the bride and groom,’ Jason said. Everyone rushed to sit down. Jason played the Wedding March. They had decided to walk in together and a big cheer went up as Fred and Wilma Flintstone walked up the aisle.
34 Schnitzel
The Fellus had finally managed to adapt one of the small fry to his requirements. He had tried various experiments with all the rest of his brood from Michael and the others had perished. Each time he tried a new approach. This time he had removed a piece of pulsing stringy gland from inside the round body of the mini-squid, very delicate work. The next part involved him. This was the only way of finding out if it had worked.
What he had to do was place the parasite on his eye. It had to become part of him. Its legs and tentacles moved over his face uneven and straggly. Some of them placed the end of their feelers into the other eye. It was the most unpleasant feeling. Wet, sucky and distracting. Who liked the feeling of something quivering on their eye, under their eyelid, and in the furthest reaches – one little wriggler in his brain? The other downside was that it did mean that he could only see out of one eye for general viewing.
Out of the other eye, the view was amazing. It wasn’t just for observation either. This was the way to control them. The Fellus knew how to work this. Tonight, he would test it out. He couldn’t wait to show it to Michael.
Michael sat watching Diane, happy that she had slept finally. It looked like she would have a lovely lie in today. Coming back from the dead must have taken it out of her.
Michael was just glad she was back, and he could start his life again. He had one of his ladies back and he wasn’t alone anymore.
The critical subject was that he had no food for her. Unless she fancied eating all the small fry out of his greenhouse, that is. As tempting as that thought was, Michael knew he would have to get her something better. Even an animal off the Moors would be better than nothing. Diane had been gone near to nine months and she must be starving now.
Michael sensed that The Fellus was due to arrive and got up to look through the window. There he was, the glowing man-shape, jumping through the hills. As he got closer, Michael noticed that he seemed to have a part on his face that no longer glowed. Michael went outside, to see what mishap had befallen his partner in crime.
’I’ve done it, and everyone is under my control. I told you we could use those beasts,’ The Fellus said pointing to his face. Michael regarded him while rubbing his chin.
’Do you know, that almost suits you. It looks a bit like a pirate patch,’ Michael said jovially.
’Good. So, I want to try it out, but I’ll need you to help me out,’ The Fellus said.
’Don’t forget mate, I’ve got someone to look after now,’ Michael said, gesturing with his thumb behind him. ‘And she’ll need feeding because if she doesn’t, she’ll eat me - I don’t mean in a good way either.’
‘I see. That would be a short reunion. We’ll sort that out tonight. That’s something I can arrange with this,’ The Fellus said, pointing to his squirming squid eye-patch. ‘First, you need to make a phone call.’
Tammy and Miles were finally husband and wife. It had been a beautiful ceremony, with their own handwritten vows. The best part was that they were uninterrupted during their happy union. There had been a few tears, mainly from the ladies of Friarmere Band. The congregation watched as the Wedding Party began to have their pictures taken.
’I take it that she is Tammy’s mother?’ Pat asked with a look of disgust.
‘I don’t know. She certainly looks like an older version of Tammy. Why, what’s wrong with her? What’s she done to you?’ Jackie asked Pat.
’Never seen her before in my life, but I don’t agree with her costume,’ Pat snarled.
Jackie looked at what Tammy’s mother had on. She didn’t get it.
’I must be getting it wrong Pat, I thought she was supposed to be Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music,’ Jackie said.
’Yes, I know that,’ Pat said, ‘
do you think I’m stupid?’
’No need to be shirty. What’s wrong with dressing as her?’ Jackie asked.
’The bloody songs. Especially These are a Few of my Favourite Things. Maybe I like a bee sting, or a dog bite. Don’t speak for me, Maria. You swine. Hate the music. Hate the film. And who has noodles with schnitzel? Stupid. I’d have mash. It makes my blood boil,’ Pat said.
’I agree wholeheartedly,’ Wee Renee said. ‘It’s very far-fetched.’
Jackie looked at them in amazement. Vampires, werewolves, ghosts and sea monsters weren’t far-fetched. But they thought The Sound of Music was!
’You are a funny pair, no wonder you are best friends,’ Jackie said, chuckling.
Jim and Julia wandered over, still looking over at the door.
‘Did the Vampires decide not to come?’ Jim thundered.
‘Shush Jim. Not everyone knows about them,’ Wee Renee said.
‘Yes Jim, I think two people in Guatemala didn’t hear you ask that,’ Pat said.
‘Did the Vampires decide not to come?’ Jim now whispered. Pat laughed.
‘They are here, don’t you worry,’ Pat said.
As Julia hadn’t seen them walking about or sitting at the back sucking on a blood bag, she had a moment’s realisation and looked up, expecting them to be clung to the Bandroom ceiling like bats. Jim looked around quickly.
‘Where are they?’ Julia asked.
‘Yes, where are they then?’ Jackie asked.
‘Here, I just told you,’ Pat said.
‘Who’s the head honcho?’ Jim asked.
‘Margaret Thatcher,’ Wee Renee whispered. Jim, Julia and Jackie gasped.
‘She sat next to me!’ Jackie squealed, checking that her arm didn’t have an invisible, painless bite there. Jim and Julia openly gawped at the group that Margaret Thatcher was with. Cleopatra, Madonna, Chucky, Cher and a headless woman. The photographer was trying to get them on the pictures. Cher was laughing and saying, ‘You’ll be lucky, darling.’ Jim and Julia could see it now.
Before Michael made his phone call, The Fellus activated the first part of his plan. He could control the people who had the parasites in their ears. He knew the mother of them could tell what he was doing, but she could do little about it from where she was, deep under the river in the Melden Triangle. If she played her cards right, she could benefit from this. If she didn’t, well that was her bad luck.
The Fellus thought that this was an ideal way to get rid of a few pesky annoyances. The first one was the easiest to try out.
He sent the people under his control down to the river. That was all he told them. The loyal folk of Friarmere began to make their way towards the Park in the centre of the Village. The order go to the river, also activated people who had mini-squid parasites in Moorston. They too went down to their part of the river. Very close to the Wedding Reception currently being held.
He told his army to stand back and standby. Then it was Michael’s turn.
’Will this man recognise your voice?’ The Fellus asked.
’No, we don’t know each other. I knew his predecessor, and what a piece of work he was,’ Michael said, dialling the number to Friarmere Police Station.
Martyn was eating a sausage roll and was ten minutes away from the end of his shift. Mercifully that had been a quiet afternoon at the Police Station. He had taken the chance of getting ready early in his fancy dress costume, so that he could go direct to Ivy and pick her up when he finished.
Ivy was not on duty on tonight, but they had got some Special Constables to cover them. The phone rang and Martyn picked it up.
’Friarmere Police Station. How can I help you?’ Martyn asked.
’Is that The Police?’ Michael shouted in a stressed-out tone.
’Yes. How can I help you?’ Martyn asked.
’There’s someone down by the river, they look like they are in trouble. I couldn’t see what was happening, because of the fog. They’re shouting for help,’ Michael said.
’I’ll get onto it straight away. Could I just have your name please?’ Martyn asked. Martyn rolled his eyes in despair at this news. The situation had escalated. Now they were preying on members of the public. He waited for the caller’s name, but the line went dead.
The quickest way to the river was on foot from the Police Station. Martyn jogged out of there, locking the door. He made a striking sight in his white jacket and paint-on moustache, running through the Village as fast as he could.
He ran straight to the river without thinking of protection. He was only focussed on how he would save the person in danger and trying to figure out what kind of danger they were in. At the edge of the Park, the children behind him came out from their hiding places against the wall and the adults came out of the bushes. They all began to move forward.
There was a point to placing the parasite on his eye. The Fellus could see what they could see. If he couldn’t, it would have been much more difficult to control them. Using this method, he could shift them quickly into position.
It was strange to see the collected views of the same sight. He imagined that this was what a fly saw. When he saw Martyn rushing forward, he activated his soldiers.
What he didn’t expect was that he could also see over in Moorston. He had not known that he had soldiers there too. The world was full of wonderful surprises.
The Fellus was pleased to see that over in Moorston, matters were a whole lot worse. This night could be more fun than he had expected. What a time he was going to have. The number of evil creatures that he could see roaming around in Moorston was astonishing. Even better, a lot of other people seemed to be milling around there too, dressed strangely. What was the point in having predators, unless you had prey?
Graham was talking to Gary and Tony about his dream. He told him that there was a house in Moorston where this old Gamekeeper had been buried and he had to find it.
Wee Renee was worried about matters escalating quicker than she imagined. She spoke to Our Doris and advised her to change her shoes into the cowboy boots. Wee Renee said that she would come outside with her to the minibus to fetch them, just in case something happened.
When she walked past the three men standing outside and heard the word Gamekeeper, she walked two steps forward before the words triggered a memory. She walked back to Graham.
’I don’t mean to be a rude eavesdropper, but I’m just asking in case I can help. What are you talking about?’ Wee Renee asked.
As soon as Graham mentioned his dream of the Gamekeeper who had been shot, Wee Renee knew why she had returned to speak to him.
’Was it here?’ She asked, pointing to her shoulder.
’Yes!’ Graham said immediately.
‘That is just the same as the wee ghostly Gamekeeper I saw when we were staying in Moorston,’ she said. Graham hadn’t got as far as telling her about the piles of rocks at the back of the house, but he had told the two men with him. Tony quickly put two and two together.
’It’s there Graham!’ Tony said. ‘Those rocks are at the back of the house against the cut-out earth!’
’I’ve seen them too,’ Gary said, ‘and that’s an old house. You wouldn’t recognise it from your dream. It probably looked a lot different 300 years ago. Parts could have been built on to it or demolished off it. Now there is a tree growing through the living room.’
‘I’m going to go up,’ Graham said.
’When?’ Wee Renee asked.
’Now,’ Graham said. ‘I don’t want another night of those dreams. They’re not even dreams … they are experiences. Believe it or not, I’m not looking forward to getting murdered again. Once was enough.’
’It’s a bit of bad timing, Graham. It’s really foggy too. In fact, the fog is worse up there,’ Wee Renee said. ‘You know what’s about to happen, don’t you?’
’Yes, I know that. I’m hoping I won't be too long. I know where he is, hardly buried at all. I just have to move a few rocks,’ Graham said.
’It would be a lot quicker if I drove you up there and I could help you move the rocks,’ Gary offered. Graham looked very relieved.
‘If you don’t mind,’ Graham said.
’I’ll come too,’ Tony said. ‘Let’s get you some peace of mind.’
The voice on the telephone had said that there was a problem at the river. Martyn had run straight there. Automatically in his mind, he imagined that it was at Black Island and now that he was there, not hearing cries or seeing any struggles, he was worried that he had got the wrong part of the water.
Hell And High Water Page 23