by J. S Ellis
Sylvie put her hand on mine. ‘Sophie.’
The waiter placed my coffee on the table. Sylvie removed her hand from mine. I stirred two sugars in my coffee. ‘I think I should have a word with Andy.’
I took out the photo from my bag, and handed it to Sylvie. ‘I appear in a photo.’ Sylvie studied the picture carefully.
‘I don’t understand why girls do those ridiculous duck faces, they look stupid....’ She took a sip of her coffee, and continued looking at the photo, ‘what were you doing with Sam? He’s so young. He must be what? Nineteen or twenty?’
I poured milk into my coffee. ‘I don’t know. According to what I was told, I danced with him and we fell on the dancefloor.’
‘You’re overthinking this. Why can’t you just let it go?’
‘What if there’s more?’
She handed the photo back to me. ‘If something bad happened, don’t you think it’s best not to know? I read somewhere the brain blocks events because they are too upsetting.’
I took a sip from my coffee. ‘That’s the reason, I have to know. If you’d taken me straight home, none of this would have happened. If it had been you, I’d have called you a cab and got you home.’
‘Sophie, you didn’t look that drunk when we went to the club.’
I stared at her. ‘Are you sure?’
‘You were tipsy, but not blind drunk, you weren’t making a total fool of yourself. I think the fall made you black out everything out. Do you recall drinking more after I left?’
I shook my head. ‘Do you think I was drugged?’
Sylvie looked at me horrified.
‘It happens you know,’ I continued.
‘I know it happens, but I don’t think they’d do that.’
‘Why are you so sure?’
Sylvie shook her head. ‘Are you saying they’re rapists?’
‘I woke up with bruises all over my body, and my dress ripped. Something happened, or maybe I got into a fight with someone.’
Sylvie jerked her head. ‘With whom?’
‘I don’t know. It could have been anyone... did you ever hear from Nicky again?’ I asked.
‘No...’
‘So, you had sex with him, and that’s it?’
‘I didn’t have sex with him.’
I slapped my hand against my cheeks. ‘And you’re telling me this now!’
‘I don’t know what made you think I had sex with him.’
‘Then why did you leave?’
‘We went to smoke pot, and had a snog, that’s all.’
We sipped our coffees silently.
‘Sophie, is there something else bothering you?’
I glared at her. ‘Why?’
‘You seem... distant, preoccupied... how is your drinking?’
‘What has my drinking got to do with anything?’ I snapped.
‘I’ve known you for fifteen years, I’ve seen the change in you.’
‘My drinking is fine.’
She raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Well, I’m pleased you’re drinking coffee. Does Richard know?’
‘Know what?’ I ask.
‘That you drink.’
‘He makes remarks.’
‘Just remarks?’
‘What are you getting at?’
She raised her hands. ‘Ok, ok I’m sorry, I’m pushing.’
‘Yes, you are. I have to go.’
‘But you just got here, come on stay a little longer.’
‘Fine...’
27th April,
Evening,
Diary,
Last night was my birthday. Richard wanted to take me somewhere special, but I declined his generous offer and ordered Indian food instead. I didn’t want to have to try and blend in. He gave me a pair of diamond stud earrings. We ate the Indian on china plates, and Richard opened a bottle of vintage Barolo to mark the occasion. He told me about work, and that he might get another account. The phone rang, he was expecting a foreign call.
‘Hello?’ he said into the receiver, ‘hello? Can you hear me?’ Richard grunted. ‘Whoever it was put the phone down,’ he said, returning to the kitchen.
We continued to eat in silence. I was dipping naan bread into my curry when the phone rang again.
‘Who is bloody calling all the time?’ Richard said.
I shivered, and put down my fork. ‘I’ll get it.’ I closed my eyes as I picked up the receiver.
‘Hello?’ Silence. ‘Hello...’ I said again.
Was it Michael? I didn’t give him my home number, so who could it be? Maybe it was a wrong number, but deep down I don’t think it was. People are out there watching me, mocking me, sending me notes, making phone calls. I’m petrified.
30th April,
Morning,
Diary!
‘Made reservations at Andina,’ I said to Richard.
‘For when?’
‘Tonight.’
‘Tonight?’
‘Yes, darling. I told you about it,’ I said.
‘I must have forgotten.’
‘Don’t tell me, you’ve made plans? I want to go, it’s supposed to be one of the hottest restaurants in the city.’
Richard frowned. ‘It’s all advertisement, dear. A new place opens and it’s named the best in the city, an it place.’
I kissed his lips. ‘I’ll take out your navy suit. You look so handsome in it.’
When I came out of the bedroom, Richard was reading the newspaper. I tore it from his hands, and wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘We still have time before dinner...’
We made love. Afterward, I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. I wanted to say it over and over, to convince myself.
I scanned the place, and all the lovely, happy faces. Faces I’d never see again. The restaurant was small but cozy.
‘Good evening,’ I said to the host ‘we have a table booked-’
What happened next was unbelievable. Michael was in the restaurant! WTF? His eyes fixated on me and looked me up and down. His lips parted as if to say something, but nothing came out. He looked different, with shorter, shoulder-length, peroxide blond hair. Of all the restaurants in London, he had to be in this one, as I’m about to have dinner with my husband!
I’ve thought of this scenario several times and wondered what would happen. All I felt was anger rushing through me, and wanted to slap that stunning face.
‘Well, this is lovely,’ Richard said, entering the restaurant, and admiring the sophisticated decor.
Michael and I looked at him. Richard eyed Michael. Michael passed a quick glance at me. How must we have seemed to Michael- the polished, immaculate, handsome couple, who everyone envies - I know people look at us, and think to themselves, I want to be like them, they seem like they have it all figured it out. A powerful, grounded couple. But, of course, Michael knows the irony behind the facade.
‘I’ve seen you before. Don’t you live with Evelyne?’ Richard said.
‘I used to,’ Michael replied.
My heart lurched. This couldn’t be happening, my husband and Michael conversing. Richard offered him his hand. Michael hesitated, and then shook his hand. I could have died! My heart thrummed against my chest. I could hardly breathe.
‘Richard Knight.’
‘Michael Frisk.’
‘That’s not an English surname...’
‘It’s Swedish.’
‘Ah, Sweden, beautiful country.’
‘You’ve been?’
‘Yes, I have... twice, in fact, a long time ago...’
‘You know Evelyne?’ I spluttered, not able to contain my curiosity any longer.
Richard looked over at me and frowned. ‘I know Evelyne’s father, dear.’
‘Ah, ok,’ I said, feeling ridiculous and uncomfortable after my outburst.
Michael eyes darted to my face. ‘How are you, Sophie?’
The nerve of him! How dare he ask me how I am in front of Richard? My legs trembled. I was speechless. Richard
looked at Michael, and then at me.
‘How do you two know each other?’ Richard asked.
‘From the neighborhood, he’s a musician,’ I said, nearly choking on my words.
Richard turned to Michael, ‘A musician huh, impressive, what do you play?’
Why was Richard bothering himself to talk to him? This wasn’t supposed to happen! They were never supposed to meet. They belong in separate worlds, alternate universes, where their paths should never cross.
‘I play lots of instruments, the sax is one of them,’ Michael said flatly.
‘Richard, our table...’ I reminded him, irritated beyond belief. Was Michael getting a kick out of this?
‘Ok yes,’ Richard turned to Michael, ‘is the food, any good here?’
‘I haven’t tried the food yet, my friend has just texted he’s not coming. I was just leaving.’
‘Oh too bad, well it was nice talking with you, Michael.’ Richard held out his hand once more. They shook hands.
‘The same to you,’ Michael said, and turned to face me. His eyes penetrated mine. He extended his hand to me. ‘Sophie, always a pleasure.’ He was enjoying this! I wanted to disappear.
Michael didn’t smile at me, but the way he looked at me was the same as when we were together.
‘Same,’ I said, surprised I still had a voice and followed the host to the table.
Once at the table, the waitress handed us the menus. I was hot all over, my heart jumping out my chest.
‘Nice chap. Don’t you think he looks a bit like a girl.’ Richard said, studying the wine list.
‘I need to go to the bathroom. Be a darling, and order a black velvet on the rocks for me, will you?’
‘Black velvet on the rocks?’
I rushed to the bathroom, without responding. In the cubical, I leaned against the wall and took deep breaths to calm myself. I almost died with the shock. I hate it that they met, and I hate the way he made me squirm and going to shake my hand like that. What was he playing at?
2nd May,
Afternoon,
Diary,
Called Charles today to let him know I’ve got myself together, and I’m ready to go back to work. We agreed I’d start a week from today. He sounded concerned I might not be ready, but I can’t stay here forever.
After the call, I paced around the apartment smoking, unable to keep still. As Evelyne is avoiding me, I’m going to have to speak to Andy. Maybe he will tell me what happened. Maybe he will give me the answers I need to hear. What if he tells me and it’s too much to bear? What if Sylvie was right about our unconscious minds blocking out painful memories, and that it’s sometimes better not to know? To hell with that, that freaks me out more. Plus, I have a right to know what happened to me! I have to know!
The thought of going to see Andy makes my stomach turn. He’s a gypsy. It would take a stupid person to trust or believe a word he says, and I’m not daft, although sometimes I question myself. I invent fictional appointments all the time to tell Richard, business meetings with a non-existent client, deadlines, and late-night meetings, or last-minute audits. What am I going to say to him this time?
4th May
Morning,
Diary,
My affair with Michael was dangerous and toxic. It’s over, he made his choice. It’s for the best, before one of us got caught or fell in love.
Went to the club. It was heaving with sweaty people. I didn’t belong there, dressed in a blue polka-dot mini dress. I didn’t want to get too dressed up and make Richard curious. I sat at the bar and did a few shots of vodka, watching all the faces in the crowd.
I spotted Andy by the wall, talking to someone, Evelyne wasn’t with him. I knew it was a ridiculous idea. I should have stayed at home with my husband, and left that whole night firmly in the past. It’s better not knowing.
I finished my drink and made my way to the exit. Andy did a double-take when he saw me. He said something to the couple and then came over to me.
He looked like a pirate dressed in a white Victorian shirt, a leather blazer, and a hat. Not conventionally good-looking, but there was something charismatic, dangerous, and sexy about him, with his glossy, dark, medium-length hair, his angular features, and high cheekbones. He too wears lots of jewelry, like Michael, and was wearing silver earrings, rings on every finger, and a set of bracelets.
‘You can’t stay out of trouble can you?’ he said, ‘what’s a woman like you doing in the place like this?’
‘You know why I am here.’
‘Do I?’
‘I’m here to talk to you.’
‘I’m flattered.’
‘I’m not here to flatter you.’
A girl threw herself at him. It’s wasn’t Evelyne, this one was skimpily dressed. Her boobs were about to come out of her dress. She whispered something in his ear.
‘Don’t be bitchy,’ he said to her, in a fake English accent.
The girl moved along. He returned his attention to me and asked if we could go somewhere private, where we could talk more freely. He led me all the way to the back. I had a hard time squeezing through the crowd.
He opened a door and gestured for me to go in first.
It was an office. It felt like I was in one of those offices at the back of clubs, where drug deals take place. I sat down on sofa and looked around. There was an ashtray full of cigarettes butts, a few stacks of papers-invoices by the look of it-and a skull on an oak table. Andy sat on a large leather chair behind the desk and put his feet up. He lit a cigarette and offered me one, but I declined.
‘You waited a long time...’ he said, puffing circles of smoke in the air.
‘For what?’ I asked.
He jerked his head to one side. ‘To come to me, of course. I was wondering when you’d come. I know you been through Mike and to Sam.’
‘They told you?’
‘We’re very close,’ he said.
My body went cold. I checked my watch.
‘You seem like you’re in a hurry,’ he said.
‘I am.’
He checked his watch. ‘We best make it quick then.’ He laughed. I hated the way laughed, he seemed to be mocking me.
‘Come on, relax and have a drink with me. We both know how you love your booze,’ he said, winking at me. He took out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from a cupboard. He poured the whiskeys and handed one to me, ‘let’s make a toast first.’
‘To what?’ I snapped.
‘To blackouts,’ he said.
‘That’s sick,’ I protested.
‘Where’s your sense of humor?’
‘I’m an accountant... I have no sense of humor or imagination.’
‘Oh, that’s such a shame... to beauty.’
He raised his glass.
I took a large swig. ‘Why is Evelyne angry at me?’
He moved in a little closer and stared right at me. ‘Is she angry at you?’
‘She seemed to be. She gave me daggers, and practically bolted when I went over to speak with her.’
I studied his reaction, but he didn’t flinch. ‘Perhaps she was in a hurry.... Evelyne’s a moody bitch.’
‘Really? That’s not very nice.’
He puffed cigarette smoke at my face. ‘What’s not very nice?’
I waved the smoke away. ‘Calling your girlfriend a bitch.’
‘As she’s my girlfriend, I can call her whatever pleases me, and a bitch is one of them,’ he said. He drank down his whiskey and poured himself another glass.
‘Is this what she has to put up with?’
He stubbed his cigarette out on an ashtray and lit another. ‘If she doesn’t like it, she knows what to do.’
‘Charming, considering she’s sheltering you and your friends,’ I blurted, without even considering what I was saying. He was making me so mad. Smug little shit, ‘what do you want from me?’
‘You know why I’m here so let’s keep this brief, and I’ll be on my way.’
; I sparked up a cigarette, and he topped up my drink without asking. ‘Mike and Sam already told you, Nicky pulled a prank as he always does, and burned that bloke’s hair for a laugh. You were sitting with them at first, and then you and your friend joined us at our table.’ He paused, blowing circles of smoke into the air.
‘Your friend was all over Nicky. They were getting on well, but then everyone likes Nicky. Sam went to get drinks at the bar, and you went after him. The next thing I knew, you two were both on the dance-floor, dancing away, and I don’t know, you slipped or something. And then you got up and passed out. You were all over the place.’
It sounded too orchestrated. A similar version to the others, and as though they had practiced it in front of the mirror. All three of them, Michael, Sam, and Andy, telling me the same lies.
He sat back on the armchair. ‘Satisfied?’
I wasn’t. ‘Evelyne was there, wasn’t she?’
He froze, this was the most honest reaction I’ve had so far, ‘Huh?’
‘You heard me.’
‘Yeah, she was, so?’
Andy started to stare at my bare legs.
‘My face is right here,’ I said.
‘Well excuse me, but your legs are distracting me.’
I sighed. ‘So anyway, back to what you were saying.’
‘Evelyne arrived after your friend left with Nicky. She was nagging about my drinking, and we got into an argument. She stormed out, and I followed her. I then got into a fight with this punk. I don’t want to go through the details with you.’
‘Where was Michael?’
‘Mike hardly drinks, but you already know that don’t you?’ he said, and laughed.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about?’
‘Anyway, he drank a bit that night.’
‘I see...’
‘He’s good looking isn’t he?’
‘Who?’
‘Mike...’
‘He’s ok.’
He smiled. ‘Don’t pay attention to my bird, she’s weird.’
I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I got up to leave.
‘Why don’t you stay a little longer?’ he said.
I looked at him as if it was the most stupid idea. ‘I don’t think so,’ I said, tossing my bag over my shoulder and making my way to the door.
‘I’d love to look at those great legs of yours.’
‘It must suck for you to sit there and watch them taking me out of here,’ I said.