by J. S Ellis
‘No, I didn’t even know they existed until yesterday!’ I cried, ‘he hacked my email.’
‘Can you explain what you were thinking? How could you do that to Richard? He doesn’t deserve this, he’s a good man.’
‘Mike knew about my drinking. I didn’t feel any shame when I was around him. I could be myself with him, it’s the only time in my life I felt I could be honest about who I am.’
‘And you couldn’t be honest with Richard or with me, but felt you could be honest with some kid? What on earth were you thinking?’
‘I wanted him.’
‘You. Wanted. Him,’ she said, pacing up and down in the room, ‘it takes a gorgeous young man, and everything goes out the windows, to let him do whatever he desires. Where is your sense of dignity, anyway? How could you degrade yourself?’
‘Don’t stand there and judge me, it’s my body, not yours and certainly not his... I didn’t think he would humiliate me like this. I don’t expect you to understand.’
‘Oh, how can you sit there and tell me that? I do understand perfectly well—just as I understood what my ex did. You put your marriage at risk for great sex!’
‘The effect he had on me, how could I be so blind—‘
‘I don’t want to listen to your infuriation concerning Mike, he cost you everything. You have to forget about him and focus on you and on your marriage.’
‘I’m scared Sylvie I’m scared shitless. I don’t know what he’s going to do next.’
‘He’s done enough damage, as it is, there’s nothing else he could do.’
Is it, though? He’s after me, and I’m scared he won’t stop until he sees me demolished completely.
She sat on the bed. ‘When did it start?’
‘After that night...’
She scowled at me. ‘You’ve been having an affair with Mike all this time!’
‘I was in over my head.’
‘When I came for lunch, is that when it started?’
‘The day after.’
‘So it was him you were texting?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘It was Jody that triggered me to go to him.’
‘Who?’
‘Jody, Richard’s friend.’
‘That miserable cow? What did she do?’
‘She said I am useless because I didn’t bear any children, only miscarriages.’
‘That’s a horrible thing to think, let alone say, but you having an affair doesn’t justify that. You can’t blame other people, Sop.’
‘I know what happened that night. I didn’t black out... I was attacked.’
‘Attacked? Who attacked you?’
‘Sam!’
‘Sam attacked you!’
‘In a way... I had sex with him.’
‘You had sex with Sam? Jesus Christ, Sophie!’
‘It’s not as you think. At first, I didn’t know what was happening, it happened so fast. I told him to stop, but he kept on going. Afterward, I slapped him, and he knocked me cold.’
‘You should go to the police.’
‘And do what?’
‘Report him, this is serious! Does Richard know?’
I shook my head and sobbed on her chest. ‘Where is Richard?’
‘I haven’t heard from him, I think he’s with his lawyer.’
My heart sunk, he’s hasn’t faced me yet, and he’s already at his lawyer’s!
Sylvie stared at me. ‘He’s trying to see what legal actions he can take to make those photos disappear.’
‘Not to file for divorce?’
Before Sylvie could answer me, the front door slammed shut. Sylvie left the room. I stayed on the bed unable to move.
‘Richard, I don’t know what to say...’ Sylvie said, ‘is there anything you need?’
‘No, you’ve done enough, thank you. You can go home now. I can take it from here.’
Richard didn’t come into the bedroom.
2:00am
Can’t sleep. My eyes are bloodshot. I’ve got blemishes on my face, and my hair is brittle. I’m the creator of this mess.
I could hear Moonlight Sonata playing on the stereo in the living room. I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee. I had to get out of bed eventually and face Richard. He had the TV on silent and was watching a video clip he took a year ago when we were on holiday in Spain. The clip was of me wearing a red polka dot playsuit, running down the sandy beach, jumping around, and hands up in the air. I was so vibrant, young, and happy. What a difference a year makes. I ran back to him, stopped, mid-way, and did a cartwheel. Richard cheered on me, I laughed hard, my hands on my belly. I was carefree. It was as if I was watching another woman who looked like me, but wasn’t me. I’m no longer a person but a thing. Since when did I allow myself to become this way? I have drifted into alcoholism and infidelity. Insubstantial, unreal, not quite there, a ghost. The song made the situation much worse. Tears fell down my cheeks. I wiped them away and turned off the stereo.
‘Did you think you could go on and on?’ Richard whispered, wiping the tears from his eyes.
‘No,’ I replied, dragging my feet to the kitchen, ‘I didn’t think that... it’s over now.’
Richard’s hand clutched the glass. I feared it would smash in his hands. He got up and followed me into the kitchen. I put the kettle on.
‘Well ain’t that a relief, let’s open a bottle of champagne and celebrate, shall we?’ He slammed the glass on the table, ‘how could you do this to me?’ Richard stared at me intensely. I removed the kettle and took out a wine glass from the cupboard. ‘Well? What do you have to say for yourself?’ he continued.
‘... I just...’
‘What?’ he shouted. I turned my back to him and poured red wine into the glass. Richard stomped towards me ‘what!’
‘... I don’t know.’ I shouted.
‘Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Can you even grasp what those photos did to us? It’s all over, you know that, don’t you? We are finished! Everything we have, our careers, our reputation all of it. Gone. You can’t even imagine what you put me through, I’d rather lie, in the hospital bed than go through what I went through. I had to explain myself to my superiors, colleagues who respect me, and look up to me, why my wife sent an email with photos of herself with another man. Do you have any idea what that made me look like? I was laughed at, mocked. You made me look like a fool!’ he roared.
‘I didn’t send that email!’
‘I don’t care who sent it, the damage is done. Not only have you taken yourself down, but you’ve taken me down with you! I spent this morning with my solicitors trying to find a way to make this matter disappear. Answer this for me, what were you thinking?’
‘... I wanted him...’
His face turned red with rage. ‘Do you think you’re the only one who desires someone who’s young? All of us do! But we deal with it!’ He grabbed for a glass and threw it in the sink. It shattered.
I had nothing to say for myself.
He went on. ‘I thought you were happy, I thought we were happy. I admit I wasn’t bloody fabulous, but I was here, It’s as though I’m married to a teenager, I never know what’s on your mind. You’re always distant. Were you unhappy?’
‘... It happened.’
‘Things like this don’t happen by themselves, you make them happen! I don‘t know you anymore. If you wanted to destroy everything and humiliate me in the process, why didn’t you do it with someone your own age?’
‘So it’s the age that bothers you.’
‘Everything about it bothers me!’ he yelled, grabbing my shoulder ‘is that what you wanted, sex?’ He shook me as if he wanted to snap the demon that possessed me to do something so horrible.
‘It wasn’t about sex!’
He let me go. ‘He’s twenty-two! What could you do with someone so young, if not for sex?’
Richard dropped his hand to his side.
‘When we went to that restaurant,
you were already sleeping with him?’
‘No, he ended it.’
‘I see, so it was going on before that! Then what?’
‘You don’t want to know.’
‘Yes, I do damn it! I deserve that at least.’
‘He came back to me when you were in New York.’
‘And you took him up here, here in this apartment in our bed!’
Tears smeared down my cheeks. ‘He followed me up here, I didn’t invite him.’
‘How many times did you bring him here?’
I stared down at the floor.
‘Answer me!’ he screamed, making me jump.
‘Twice.’
‘What on God’s green earth were you thinking? He’s. A. Child!’
‘I can’t stand this, if it were you who had an affair with a twenty-something girl, you would get a pat on the back, but if a woman does it, she’s crucified.’
‘He is a child!’ he shouted, grabbing his hair, ‘do you love him?’
‘... I did once...’
‘For Christ’s sake!’ he pointed his finger at me, ‘I’m beyond done with the drinking and the smoking, you are going to rehab, I’ll drag you by the hair myself if you don’t go. I’m sick of you always drinking, I didn’t think it was that bad, but now it’s clear.’
I sat on the chair. He took the glass of wine from me. ‘Starting from tonight!’ he said.
We went quiet.
‘Why?’ he asked in a broken voice, with tears falling down his cheeks. ‘Why?’
I crossed my hands and dropped my head to the floor. ‘I don’t know why.’
‘Then find out!’ he spat.
Our opera is in its final act, it’s out in the open, the affair and my drinking problem. Richard slept on the sofa after eleven years of marriage.
Oh, Michael, you have a face of an angel, but you’re not, you’re a drama queen, you want flowers and parades, and now you have it. You're not a face from heaven. You stand on the stage as if you are God making slaves of women, and in an instant, you saw this heart of mine and transformed into my deepest desires. To Sam, you are a friend. To me, you were a lover, and you devoured all of us. You’re a snake, a monster. You’re a hazard, a predator, a piranha, and destroyer of lives. You’re danger itself. I can picture you right now, locked away in your flat like a bird of prey in a gilded cage. You want to go after me. Fine, I deserve it, but sending those photos to my work, and to Richard’s, was a step too far. I only did what I thought was right. You don’t care, but I do. Oh Michael, you conquered me, were the emperor of my desires, and now you are the ruler of my life. Your mission is to demolish me and take Richard along with it. You are the earthquake that shook my ground, and I am the victim of that wreckage. I hope you are pleased with yourself, you are running my life.
17th July
Evening,
Diary,
Richard doesn’t even want to look at me, not that I blame him. I have been avoiding him for good reasons. He locked himself in his study once. It was supposed to be a nursery for the two babies we didn’t have.
I heard Richard cough, and arguing on the phone with someone, his lawyers, I presume.
Richard came into the kitchen while I was cooking; he’s the kind of man that makes his importance known, pompous, and proud. But right now, he looks so small and defeated. To his colleagues, and to me, Richard was the man with authority. He demanded respect, but now he’s an object to mock and ridicule. His face, hard, and annoyed.
‘Sophie, if you were unhappy, why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I told you I wasn’t happy.’
‘But something triggered it, I’m racking my brains here trying to find out why. Was it the miscarriages? Because we didn’t have a child? Because I refused counseling and to adopt? It has to be one of them at least,’ he said.
I lit a cigarette and made my way to the window. ‘Please stop.’
‘Were you hoping he’d get you pregnant?’ he shouted.
I heard myself laugh ha ha ha, ‘I wish you could hear yourself, Richard, how ridiculous you sound.’
‘If I see him, this boy, I’ll kill him with my bare hands. He took you away from me. He stole you from me, and you let him.’
‘There’s going to be no killing of anyone,’ I said, moving away from the window.
‘I’ll kill you too,’ he said.
I have always been the pretty wife Richard showed off to his friends, the prize, the trophy. I always hated that about him. It’s sexist and overbearing. Every time we went to a dinner party or an event, the other wives raised their eyebrows. I knew what they were thinking, that doll of a wife married him for his money. It’s not the money, it was never about that, they seemed to forget I have my own career. Something else I have to battle with every day, being a woman with a career-trying to prove to myself in a male-dominated world.
‘He’s a great looking chap, isn’t he?’ he said.
‘Don’t do this, Richard. His beauty and body had nothing to do with it.’
‘His looks and body have everything to do with this!’ he said, ‘oh yes, it does. I see it now, why you’re always preoccupied and miles away, it wasn't work, it was him. It was all about him. That boy!’
‘Yes, but he’s a twenty-two-year-old boy.’
‘My world, my passion had been my work, I took pride in what I did, and you are my world. I thought I was your world and passion too, but I was wrong. For you, it’s this Swedish musician, this Michael. You put him on a pedestal -nobody deserves to be there, not even me, but you placed him in there, and it’s cost you everything. You were prepared to risk it all for him. He’s worth it, you must have thought—‘
‘Richard, please—‘
‘Let me bloody finish, I deserve to speak. You’ve taken everything from me. I will have this moment, you will give me this. He’s your world, your passion.’ His gaze passed through me as if I were invisible.
I shook my head in disbelief.
He sighed. ‘You made me look like a fool. If it were another man, he would have thrown you out in the street by now, but I am not that kind of man. I think it’s best until I decide what I’m going to do with this...’ he paused, ‘you find a place to stay, you can stay with Sylvie, your parents, or with him. Live in a cardboard box for all I care. I’m going to give you a week until you figure it out but, I don’t want you here. Looking at you is painful enough but bearing your presence would be intolerable, do you understand?’
‘Yes...’
‘Good.’
19th July
Afternoon,
Diary,
Looking back at the pages I have written, the changes have been dramatic since the beginning of the year. I had the job, the apartment, and the husband, and now I have nothing. Now, I know what it feels like to lose what I own and love. All because of Michael. However, nobody forced me to jump into bed with him.
Richard has the upper hand, and now he’s twisting the knife. As if I don’t feel bad enough. I don’t need to listen to his remarks and disapprovals, or his you did this, now you’ll have to suffer the consequences of your actions, face. I’m the tart who humiliated him with a younger man.
20th July
Afternoon
Diary,
With everything that has been going on, I haven’t had the time to reply to any of the texts or emails. It was the last thing on my mind, I haven’t even bothered to look for a place to stay.
Nobody believes me. Everyone thinks I got drunk, and sent the photos. How could I, when I wasn’t even aware of their existence? If Michael had told me he wanted to take pictures of me, I would have refused. I opened the first photo of me on my knees and then built up enough courage to go through them all. Most of them were taken when I spent the weekend at his place. Is that why he wanted me to spend the night? Maybe it was him, playing with my doorknob to frighten me, knowing I’d go straight to him. The photos are a gesture of his hate and hate breeds like bacteria.
Richard still
hasn’t gone to the doctor, no matter how many times I’ve told him, and now, with all that’s happened, it’s the last thing on his mind. He’s slept on the armchair in his study for two nights in a row.
The sound of the buzzer raged through the apartment, and Richard went to the door, coughing and mumbling to himself. I buried my head under the pillow.
‘She’s asleep,’ Richard said.
‘The hell with you, you will not dictate when I will see my own daughter. You’ve kept us apart long enough.’
It was my mother. I didn’t want to see her, the wounds were still fresh and my shame too raw.
‘I’m not stopping you, Pat,’ He sighed, ‘It’s just that she’s resting.’
‘Out of my way, Richard, if you let her visit more often none of this would have happened.’
‘How is this my fault, damn it! I’ve never kept her from visiting you, she’s a grown woman and can do whatever she wants, and she proved it! How dare you?’ he roared at my mother, ‘how dare you blame me for your daughter’s infidelity! Are you trying to tell me, it’s my fault she jumped in bed with another man? Is that what you are trying to tell me?’ he yelled.
The yelling, the shouting, the accusations, I can’t take any more.
‘I made sure she had a life fit for a queen. I treated your daughter with the utmost respect! And what did I get in return?’
‘Respect? Oh, please Richard, you hardly listened to her, have you considered what those miscarriages might have done to her? She suggested counseling, and you refused. She suggested adoption, and you refused. You call that respect? Didn’t you even stop for one second to think how all of this had affected her, didn’t you think something was wrong? Did you? It’s always about putting up a good front with you, always in denial. Maybe if you listened, if you had stopped being so selfish and compromised with her, she wouldn’t have gone and sought comfort from him in the first place!’
‘Did you come here to torment me, is that it? You’ve always resented me. To hell with it Pat, damn you to hell!’
‘Look, I’m not justifying her behavior. I understand you’re upset.’
‘Of course, I am bloody upset.’
I got out of bed and went into the hallway. Richard looked at me, and then at my mom. Her eyes shone with tears, and she had dark circles under her eyes. It breaks my heart to see her like this. This is all my doing. I hurt the people I love and care about, in exchange for my selfish desire. Dad wasn’t with her. Maybe he is too disgusted to see me, yet.