by Eric Vall
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Chapter 1
Another day, another clog.
I sat in my van as I drank my bitter, drive-through coffee and tried to work up the motivation to go inside the house where my first job of the day awaited me. I should have been happy it was just a clogged sink and not something much worse, but somehow, I still wasn’t inspired.
It had already been a long morning of sitting in traffic and standing in line at the home supply store, and I’d grabbed a fast food breakfast that currently sat congealing in the passenger seat. It seemed easier to zone out and listen to the radio than facing either fake eggs or the job to come.
Suddenly, I heard my phone buzz with a text, and I looked over hopefully. I doubted the girl I’d given my number to at the bar on Saturday night was sending me a good morning message on Monday, but hey, a guy could dream. I picked up my device and groaned when I saw it was my boss again. The man had already texted me before I’d even woken up for the day and seven times in the interim between waking up and now.
I decided to ignore the message for the time being. For all he knew, I was already inside working on the drain.
And it was only fucking Monday.
Oh, well, I had to pay the bills somehow. I made a decent living as a plumber, but it was nothing compared to most of the people in this town. However, I didn’t see much of a difference between the multi-millionaires and the rest of us when I fixed their toilets. Shit was just shit when it came down to it.
This wasn’t one of the fancier L.A. neighborhoods I worked in, but it was full of modest, hard-working people. Hard-working people who just wanted their sinks to run clearly, so I sighed and decided it was time to bite the bullet.
Fuck it, I had to get to work sometime, so I exited my work van and headed across the street.
I knocked on the door of the modest bungalow and daydreamed that, just for once, a beautiful woman would answer. I’d seen way too many pornos where a plumber answered a call only to get his own pipes cleaned in return, and I crossed my fingers half-jokingly.
Maybe this would be my lucky day.
A moment later, though, the worn-looking door, covered in peeling red paint, swung open, and I was greeted by a heavyset older man in a stained white tank top and ancient-looking shorts that sagged around his hips.
Nope, it seemed my fantasy wasn’t going to be fulfilled this time. He hadn’t even dressed up for my visit.
“You the plumber?” the home’s resident grunted. “Name’s Frank. Come on in.”
“Yeah, I’m Joe, nice to meet ya.” I nodded in response, followed the old man into the house, and groaned at his appearance from behind. Although his head was bald, thick, visible hair curled up the back of his neck from under his dirty tank top.
Wasn’t I supposed to be the one with a visible plumber’s crack?
Nonetheless, I had a job to do, so I went along as Frank led me to the kitchen sink.
Half the sink was full of dirty dishes that appeared to be a day or two old, and the other half contained about six inches of brownish, soapy water.
“Have at it,” Frank said as he gestured at the problem.
“Do you have a garbage disposal?” I asked, even though I didn’t need to, since it was obvious from the pipes underneath the sink that he didn’t.
“Naw,” he scoffed. “This house was made in the fifties. They didn’t have ‘em back then. That going to be a problem?”
“No big deal, sir,” I replied. This would be a piece of cake, since I unclogged sinks probably twenty times a week, and the lack of a garbage disposal meant I could just run the snake straight down instead of having to either remove the pipes or use the outside access to the drain. “I’ll be out of your way in no time.”
I put down my tool bag and sat down on the grimy floor, because I had to prepare to lie down to start my work. Times like these, I was glad to have my uniform jumpsuit to protect me, even though it was not attractive.
Best case, I could snake the drain and remove the clog without any problems. In the worst case, I’d have to take apart the drain pipes to see what the clog was. I pulled my pipe snake from my tool bag and quickly got to work.
A few moments later the obstruction was clear, and I let the hot water run while I put away my snake and then ducked under the sink to make sure there were no surprise leaks. One of the pipes actually did have a bit of a small trickle, so I grabbed my wrench and carefully tightened the fitting until I was sure the leak was taken care of.
I could hear the water drain from the sink above, so I called out to my customer.
“Okay, sir, looks like I’m about done,” I told him. “It’s going to be one hundred and fifty dollars for today’s work.”
Then I prepared myself for the inevitable.
“What the hell?” the old man complained. “A hundred and fifty bucks to snake a drain? That took you less than a minute!”
I grabbed my tool bag and planned to sit up and answer my customer, but I moved too fast and smashed my forehead into the pipe. Stars swam in front of my eyes, and my head tingled. It was a hard hit, but I started to feel awfully weak.
Maybe I should have had more than only a cup of coffee this morning.
“Holy shit, are you okay, kid?” I heard Frank yell, but it sounded like he was very far away.
I hoped I didn’t have a concussion, and I wasn’t reassured when I was abruptly overcome by the sensation that I was falling. As the lights seemed to go out around me, it felt more and more like a dream, except I wasn’t waking up before I hit the ground. I fell and fell…
And then I was surprised and relieved to experience the sensation of solid ground again. As my vision began to clear, I looked around for Frank and his kitchen’s 1950s era pink tile.
While I rubbed the sore spot on my forehead, it occurred to me it was suddenly much louder and much darker than it had been at Frank’s house, and I could hear shouting and even shrieks of pain. The air was thick and smelled like smoke, and I realized I still laid on the ground and held my aching head, so I quickly jumped to my feet.
What the fuck was going on?
“Hey, look at me!” I heard a feminine voice exclaim as a soft hand touched my cheek, and then the woman seemed to address someone else in the room. “I think he might be alright. I saw him fall for a moment, but he recovered quickly. Do you think he’s okay? We don’t have much time.”
I struggled to focus my eyes and look around me. At first, I thought I was hallucinating, because, to my absolute shock, one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen stood in front of me.
Long, shining black hair fell down over her shoulders, almost to her waist, and curled over the tops of full, round breasts that were barely contained inside a tiny turquoise top that seemed to be made out of some kind of gleaming metal. At first glance, it wasn’t apparent what was holding up the skimpy item of apparel, and my eyes involuntarily drifted down over her golden-skinned washboard abs and long legs, covered only by what appeared to be a bikini bottom and armor in the same bluish-green tone as her top. On her feet, she wore golden sandals with long laces that twisted around her slim calves almost to her knees.
Had I knocked myself out? Was this a dream fueled by one too many adult videos?
I forced myself to raise my gaze to the woman’s face, and I realized too late most women would have been pretty pissed off to get the once-over like that.
However, the beautiful woman appeared to be practically glowing with joy as she stared at me with a huge smile on her face.
“What’s your name, hero?” t
he gorgeous woman breathed, and dark, almond-shaped eyes stared at me expectantly from underneath arched eyebrows. She stood very close to me, and I could smell the enticing aroma of sandalwood and roses. This was a lot closer to the pornographic fantasy I’d had earlier, but I still had no idea what happened to Frank’s house.
I started to look around for a hidden camera, sure this had to be some sort of prank.
“Where’s Frank?” I asked, and I wondered if the old man was in on the setup.
“Frank?” The beauty looked at me with a confused look on her face. “Is that your name, hero?”
“Hero?” What in the actual fuck? This was absolutely the weirdest thing that had ever happened to me, but I decided to play along for a minute, so I stuck out my hand. “I don’t know about any hero, and I’m not Frank, I’m Joe. Well, Joseph, but everyone calls me Joe. It’s nice to meet you, but I’m not sure you have the right guy. I’m just a plumber, and I was at a client named Frank’s house to fix his sink, and I think I hit my head, though I guess you already know that because of the show… ”
Since I now assumed I was on TV, I was suddenly embarrassed to realize I was still wearing my navy-blue plumber’s jumpsuit. It had seemed so practical only minutes before, or what I’d thought was minutes, but the thing was pretty gross, and I hoped I didn’t smell too bad.
I still gripped my tool bag tightly in one hand and the pipe snake in the other as I grew more aware of the chaos around me. I could still hear the shouts, and they seemed to be getting louder. We seemed to be in some sort of dim chamber with no modern lighting… or modern anything, for that matter. I thought we were in a palace’s private quarters, maybe in some sort of large sitting area, since expensive-looking chairs and lounges were scattered about at intervals. I noticed a vaulted ceiling rose above our heads, with tiled murals in jewel tones. Colorful, gauzy fabric was draped around the dome above us and down the walls alongside rich tapestries, and I stood on a thick, tasseled rug that felt plush beneath my feet.
And it was hard to miss the twenty or so armed guards with large turbans on their heads who stood at strategic intervals, armed with curved swords. For the first time, I experienced a twinge of fear.
Whatever kind of show this was, it seemed awfully realistic. How could they have possibly changed Frank’s house so quickly? And if this wasn’t a show, what the fuck was going on?
“It is nice to make your acquaintance, Joseph, or Joe,” the woman replied in a sultry, accented voice that pulled me from my thoughts. “I am Princess Jessamine, and the genie brought you here to help me defend my castle from Chernabog’s forces. I apologize, I don’t have more time to catch you up on the situation, but his undead soldiers will soon be attacking my palace, and we need to move.”
“Chernabog? Genie? Palace? Princess?” I repeated in a confused tone. What the hell was she talking about?
I looked around and nearly passed out again when I realized we weren’t alone in the room with the guards. Another being stood, or rather, floated in the corner. While he had a pleasant, human face and muscular torso, he was about eight feet tall, and his legs drifted off into smoke.
Also, his skin was a bright purple.
I must have hit my head fucking hard.
“Genie.” The princess now turned and addressed the purple creature, and she furrowed her delicate brow. “I have to thank you for delivering the hero I wished for, but I have to admit I am still a bit confused. The battle for my castle is still raging, and Jamar is still alive.”
“Princess Jessamine, you didn’t make a wish about your castle or Jamar,” the genie chuckled. “If I recall correctly, and genies always do, I believe your exact wish was for ‘a hero to save the universe from Chernabog.’ Well, your hero has arrived, and he should be able to do as promised. On the other hand, you, along with the rulers of the other kingdoms, will need to complete the marriage rites of legend. If you do not submit to this hero, body and soul, I cannot promise what will happen. And since that was your third wish, I must say goodbye now.”
Incredibly, the large creature seemed to dissolve into nothing but a puff of purple smoke as he disappeared into a bejeweled lamp.
Jessamine nodded solemnly and opened her mouth as if to say something further to the genie, but when she reached out for the lamp, it dissolved as well.
“Where’d he go?” I gasped. “And what the fuck was he talking about, marriage rites? What did he say?”
“I suppose the lamp is returning to the Cave of Enchantment,” the raven-haired beauty mused. “Anyone who needs it again must complete the quest as a diamond in the rough. As for the rest, I’ll have to explain later, since we don’t have time to complete the ritual right now.”
“Uhhh, okay?” If it was a dream, this was the most realistic one I’d ever had, and everything seemed to get crazier by the moment. I still couldn’t quite get my head clear, but I realized the princess was speaking again, this time in a more urgent tone.
“Joe, my hero, we are in grave danger, and we need to hurry,” she implored as she placed her hand on my arm, and I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my skin at her touch. “I have no wishes left for the genie, so we are going to have to figure this out for ourselves. And soon!”
As if in answer to her worries, I could hear the shouts below grow more urgent, followed by the sound of loud banging.
“W-What’s goin on--” I started to ask, but I was cut off as Jessamine tugged on my arm, pulled me to my feet, and dragged me onto a small balcony that led off the chamber.
Her guards immediately stood at attention and followed us, and I gulped at the sound of their armor rattling together.
Then we stepped outside, and it was apparent the bright, Southern California day where I had spent my morning was gone, and the sky was dark, illuminated only by a full moon.
And I’d never seen anything as horrific as what appeared in that moonlight.
From my vantage point on the balcony, I could see I was looking out across ornate palace grounds. Elaborate gardens stretched out before us, as well as a courtyard with a giant reflecting pool, and when I craned my neck, I could see the exterior of a Middle Eastern-style palace. Expansive, cream-colored walls with colorful accents stretched several floors above me for as high as the eye could see and ended in a series of golden domes, with one larger dome crowning the entire building. The palace was surrounded in a series of outbuildings that laid behind its thickly fortified walls, and the horror of what I could see beyond was astounding.
A sea of red eyes stared off into nothingness, and an army of beings marched in perfect unison as they pressed against the walls of the palace and clawed blindly into the night. From my vantage point, the shapes of the creatures that approached us were almost human, but their heads tilted at unnatural angles, and their pace was too exact, almost robotic.
“Joe, look, you can almost see Jamar from here,” the princess said in a distressed tone of voice.
“Jamar?” I asked as I squinted into the darkness. “Who are you talking about?
“Jamar controls the enemy forces,” she told me. “He is an evil, evil man who longs to destroy us all.”
From about five hundred yards away, I thought I could see a shadowy figure rise above the horde, and I reached down and pinched my arm in an effort to wake up.
Pain radiated up my elbow, and I didn’t reappear under Frank’s sink.
“Holy shit,” I breathed as my heart stuttered in my chest.
This wasn’t a dream. Or a TV show, because I didn’t see Ashton Kutcher jumping out with a camera anywhere.
What the actual fuck?
“It is Jamar,” Jessamine breathed as she followed my bewildered gaze toward the turbaned leader. “He is coming closer. We have been fighting off his undead minions, but if Jamar reaches the palace, we are all doomed. His magic is too strong for me to fight off his spells. Please, will you help us?”
“S-Sure” I replied, because who the hell would turn down a woman as gorgeo
us as this one when she was practically begging? I was no hero, but I could play one in this weird simulation, or whatever was going on.
“Oh, thank you, Joe!” Jessamine smiled, apparently reassured for the moment, and her beauty and joy took my breath away.
“Y-You’re welcome,” I muttered blankly before I turned back to face the encroaching army.
“My guards are strong,” the princess continued, “but Jamar is at an advantage because of the magic he is using. There are archers on the other balconies shooting flaming arrows, and it works for the moment, but you will see what happens.”
“Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong with the arrows?”
If there was one thing I knew about zombies, it was that they usually hated fire, and I could actually see individual beings in front of us crumble into piles of ash as they got hit.
“You’ll see.” Jessamine pointed a delicate finger toward the battlefield, and I watched in amazement as a bolt of lightning split open the sky near where the leader stood.
The clear sky quickly darkened, and rain began to fall upon the wizard’s masses. I was shocked to see the flaming soldiers were quickly extinguished, and they rose up again into the night to fight once more.
“What the fuck?” I gasped. I’d never seen anything like this before.
“After we shoot the arrows,” Jessamine responded, and she sounded exhausted, “Jamar uses his magical scepter to release a storm and put out the fire. We have been caught in this pattern for a while. Watch. I will do it again. Archers, to the ready!”
After the princess told the archers to shoot their arrows again, I watched as the flaming missiles soared through the clear sky to hit their targets. Once again, the undead burned, Jamar cast his rain spell, and the cycle continued.
“Yeah, I… I think you might need to come up with a new strategy,” I told Princess Jessamine through numb lips.
“Well, what do you think we should do? At least the palace walls are holding them for the time being--oh!”
Jessamine cut herself off with a gasp and stumbled back, but before I could ask what was wrong, a hair-raising noise split the air of the balcony.