“I get it, Riley. I’ve been where you are.” I don’t really want to open my scars again but if it’ll help Riley to trust me, to trust us, I’ll do it for her.
“How can you compare our stories when you don’t know shit about my story?” She still has that fire in her soul, the one that brings out that sassy attitude I can’t help but poke at. Now is not the time for play though. Now is the time for seriousness and honesty.
Taking a steady breath, I steel myself for the flood of guilt and pain that always comes when my memories take me back there. To the time of my greatest mistake, the one that cost me everything. Steady, I open myself to Riley's appraisal, meeting her eyes, “Because I see in you what I see every time I look in the mirror. Loss. Grief. Anger.” A tear trails down her cheek. I catch it before it hits the sky-blue comforter. Staring at the lone tear in my hand I continue, “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you haven’t been sitting here for three days reflecting on all that you lost. On the guilt that you’re still here and they are not. On the anger of what was taken from you. On the empty feeling in the center of your chest that feels like it is just swallowing you whole.”
I let the lone tear drop off the palm of my hand into her open one that rests unmoving in her lap and reach up to brush away the tears now rolling down her face. “Tell me you haven’t thought about how much easier it would be if you could just turn it all off and not feel it. That for just one moment of silence in your head it would be worth it.” The tears flow freely down her cheeks, cupping her face in both hands I whisper, “I told you before, I know you, Riley Wright.”
Riley
This wasn’t what I was expecting when Enzo came busting in my room. His words are penetrating the walls I have built up around my emotions, mind, soul, and heart. No, he wasn’t just penetrating them, he was taking a fucking bulldozer to them. The flood gates were erupting behind my eyes and the tears came rushing forward as he spoke the truths no one else ever saw. He saw everything though. I hadn’t truly seen him, but somehow, he saw me. Not the mask I wore to keep them all at arm’s length but behind that, into me. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.
“No, Enzo," I sob, shaking my head as though that will make the truths less real. "You don’t know me. You don’t know the story behind me.”
“Riley, I don’t need to know the specifics behind your story. I can see how lost, hurt, and angry you are. I can see that you don’t know where to put those feelings. More than that, I can see you need someone. Someone to understand, to help, to guide, to just be there. You can share your story when you’re ready, there’s no rush. But, Riley, you need an outlet for everything else. If you don’t find an out for all you are feeling, you’ll be swallowed by them. Coming back from that is a bitch.”
Enzo slides a little closer to me, resting back against the headboard. I nod my head in understanding and glance away. We sit in silence for a little while. It’s not an awkward silence, more of a companionable silence, both of us contemplating the future or the past, probably both. It doesn’t take long before my wolf’s urge to be closer to him wins out and I agree with her that we need some comfort so I lean over resting my head in his lap. The tears flow in slow streams and Enzo’s hand comes to rest on my head, his fingers playing in my hair. When the silence starts to linger and my brain starts to turn wicked again threatening to break the flood gates wide open once more, I ask, “Will you share your story, your darkness with me?”
Enzo’s hand stills in my hair as he takes a short breath, then answers, “When you’re ready to share maybe I will be too. Right now though, we have dinner to prepare for.” I bury my face in his thigh at his words and he chuckles as he pats me on the head. Totally worth it for that chuckle. “Sorry, darling,” he still chuckles lifting my head and stands from the bed and puts his hand out to help me up.
“Fucking hell, seriously?” I grumble placing my hand in his. He hauls me up so fast I fly into him, knocking into his firm chest. Gods, I remember the feel of his body against mine and I instantly heat up.
“Dinner, abso-fucking-lutely. You need to fucking eat. We know you haven’t been.”
“Ugh.” I roll my eyes and push away from him, heading for the bathroom. Just that quickly the heat that was building inside me is snuffed out by the overbearing, overprotective, insanely hot asshole. Secretly, I think I love the way they care for me though.
Chapter Fifteen
Riley
Dinner was made up of three-cheese lasagna, side salad, and bread sticks. According to Axel, I needed more carbs in my diet and Wild was all too happy to comply with that order. Let me tell you, you will not find me complaining, the man could fucking cook. It was like an orgasm in my mouth.
Besides the food, this evening was turning out to be a fucking somber affair. The guys all spent the evening staring at me as if I had four heads. A creature they had never seen before and was worried would attack without notice. At one point I even took to checking my reflection in my spoon just to ensure I did not in fact have four fucking heads. That at least got a laugh out of them and loosened some of the tension at the table.
Enzo sat to my right, watching the rise and fall of my fork the whole evening. I swear he counted the number of times I picked it up and took a bite off it. Wild sat to my left trying to make light conversations. He had such a light and friendly personality. Under normal circumstances he would be so easy to get along with. His smile was one that put you at ease the moment you saw it and with his deep tan and piercing gray eyes, he sweeps you up into his private world and carries you away from all the negativity around you. Unfortunately for me, the darkness and negativity weigh so heavy on me that even flirty Wilder can’t carry me away from it.
Reed and Cree have been on edge all night. You just knew they wanted to say something about my behavior the last three days, hell the last two years. However, they were smart enough to keep their fucking mouths shut.
Then there was poor sweet natured Axel. He looked as though he was scared shitless. His continued glances at the door made me know he was worried I’d bolt. I tried to smile at him. To let him know I wasn’t going to run, not now at least. There were a few things I needed to put in place first if I was going to do that. However, after the breakthrough with Enzo earlier this evening, I'm not sure I want to run from these guys. I need to be careful with how close to and reliant I become on them, but right now I think I need some of that connection they are offering, both human and animal.
Looking around the table at the five guys that have taken it upon themselves to save me, I honestly could not tell you what my heart was saying. My wolf calls them all her mates, my head tells me to run as fast as my fucking legs can carry me, and my heart ... well it is so broken and shattered I can’t tell what it wants. I need some time to figure this fucking shit out. I don’t know if I can do that with them hovering over me like momma hens all the time.
Fuck! I am so fucking confused. What do I do?
Mates help. My wolf tries to mend the broken shattered pieces of me back together. It feels as though she's wrapped herself around my heart, healing and protecting it. I want to give her what she wants, what we both want if I'm being honest and truthful with myself.
I know but I think we need to find ourselves before we take mates. How about friends to start? She doesn't reply but she doesn't need to because I feel her sadness as my own. It's the safest and least confusing option at the moment.
Putting my fork down a little harder than needed on the ceramic plate, all five guys jump, heads snapping in my direction. I place my head in my hands and Enzo places his hand on my knee. Whether to keep me in place or to lend me strength I’m not completely sure. I need both at the moment. My blood is pumping in my ears and I can feel my cheeks flaming.
Deep breath, Riley, you can do this. They are not going to approve, but this is what you need right now. They are just going to have to deal.
One more deep breath.
Looking up, I glance around the table making eye contact with each of my
men. Taking a deep breath, I declare, “I’m leaving.” A growl leaves someone, my guess either Cree or Reed. Keep going Riley. "Okay, not leaving, leaving, like out of town leaving." I start rambling, not making sense but my head is just flooding with self-doubt that I'll end up in trouble again, I won’t be able to care for myself. Enzo gives my knee a tap interrupting my inner thoughts and quieting the self-doubt. I glance at him and he gives me an approving smile. I feel instantly relieved, my breathing slows, my mind clearing, I give a small smile and nod in return. I can do this.
Cree growls a deep feral warning before standing so abruptly that his chair flies back and slams into the wall behind him, busting into pieces. My head snaps in his direction and I actually shrink back a bit toward Enzo. Does he not know how to stand without breaking his chair? Reed slams a fist into the table visibly trying to gather himself before responding through gritted teeth, “What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
“I’m going home, Reed. Back to my apartment that is.” I can see the burning argument building in them. I slide my right hand under the table to grab Enzo’s hand, he gives it a strengthening and encouraging squeeze. Putting up my other hand in a silencing gesture, I plead with the others, “Please, let me finish before you say anything. I know I’ve been distant lately and even a bit vindictive in my actions. For that I am really sorry. I never wanted to hurt any of you, not really. My head was a bit fucked up and all my insecurities got the better of me. However, I had an eye-opening discussion earlier today and a few things were said that really put some things into perspective for me. I have things I need to take care of and it’s time I start figuring out who I am now. You all have done so much for me, more than anyone in years and while I may have not wanted your help in the beginning, I am grateful for it. Helping me get clean for starters, something I never thought I’d do. I won’t lie to you; I honestly didn’t want to but now that I am, I need to find my footing. I won’t say it's not a struggle and I don’t crave that numbness, but I need to be stronger for me, prove to myself that I can fight it and stand on my own two feet. If I don’t do it now, I fear I won’t be able to later.” I also want to see Grace again; I don’t add that part; it would only open the door to questions that I can’t answer.
Reed and Cree share a look, having a silent conversation. Axel gives me a sad smile with a small nod. Wild looks conflicted like he’s not sure where he stands on the matter, which honestly is confusing. My face must show that because he leans over and gives me a hug whispering in my ear, “I’m proud of you, Riles. Your sister is too.” I snap my head back so fast I almost smack my face against his nose, my eyes the size of saucers. My mouth is hanging open like a cod fish. He just chuckles at me as he slides a finger under my chin and pushes my bottom jaw back into place.
I finally get a hold of my facilities enough to stammer out, “I ... I ... I don’t understand. How?”
Still chuckling at my surprise Wild states, “It’s a gift, Riles. It’s called dream walking and it’s a gift that we’ll explore more when you're ready. I promise. But for now, just know Grace is immensely proud of the progress you’ve made and is cheering you on. She has faith in you, that you can fight for your future, for your rightful place. I believe that’s how she worded it. She also asked me to remind you to keep your head up and take it one day at a time.” By this point tears are flowing down my cheeks, unable to hold them back. I am squeezing Enzo’s hand tight, but he doesn’t pull away. My breath is hitching with every intake. Still Wild continues, “One more thing, she said you still need that swear jar.” At that I burst into a mix of sobbing and laughing. That was so Gracey.
The guys were all watching me as if I were losing my mind, they just didn’t know Grace and her humor or my grief at the loss of her. Enzo picked up on some of my pain, so he continued to ground me to the present with the rubbing of his thumb along my pulse point and gentle squeezes of my hand so I wouldn’t get lost in my head in the past.
Reed stands from the table and walks around to me and kneels down to be eye level with me. He eyes my hand in Enzo’s and smirks. Rather than pulling away like I thought he would; Enzo squeezes my hand a little tighter, almost like he is staking a claim. Reed chuckles slightly before regaining his composure. He looks me in the eye when he speaks, “Riley, I have to be honest with you. I don’t like the idea of you being alone. The temptation is going to be stronger when you’re alone. It’s not a weakness to need help at a time like this. That being said, I do understand where you’re coming from, I may not agree but I understand. You don’t want to become dependent on us, not that we would mind, just so you know.” He smiles and I return it wholeheartedly. Gods, it feels good to smile.
Leaning forward I place a light kiss on his cheek, “Thank you, Reed. I know you guys don’t mind me relying on you, but I mind. I’ve always been independent, and I need to prove to myself that I can still rely on myself to take care of me. How can I ask it of others if I can’t ask it of myself first?”
“I get it, babe. Just remember we’re here for you if you need us,” he states before placing a kiss on my forehead, standing and walking back up the hall to his room. The break in his voice and the falter in his step had me wanting to jump up, to wrap him in my arms, to reassure him I would be okay. That I wasn't going anywhere. Only I couldn’t promise him any of that. If I was correct about Grace’s message, she wants me to take back the Shadowcrest Pack.
A fight is going to ensue and if I’m going to survive this, I need to be stronger. I need to fight for me, for them, for the pack, for Grace. I start to laugh and Wild starts in too beside me. I glance up at him still laughing. “You knew, didn’t you?” He shakes his head, negating my thoughts.
“It is pure genius though. Smart, that sister of yours.” A hint of pride in his voice.
Cree looks perplexed. “What the fuck is going on here?” he grumbles from his corner of the room. The set of his jaw and rigidness of his stance tells me how on edge he is. If I tell him my sister’s plan, he is going to lose his fucking shit. Taking a deep breath, I try to construct my answer in a way that won’t set him off. However, Enzo beats me to it.
“Her sister gave her a new reason to fight. A reason to stay sober and clean.” He looks at me and smiles. “Someone to fight. A purpose.” He glances at Cree before turning back to me. “I will help you prepare, train you. Teach you to take down an alpha.”
A grin splits my face and I start to bounce in my seat. His reaction is priceless, he outright belly laughs. “Really?” I couldn’t hide the excitement in my voice if I tried. He’s still laughing as he nods his head in confirmation.
Cree growls again, turns and puts his fist in the wall. I do mean literally inside the wall before storming out the front door, leaving the door wide open. “What the actual fuck?” I exclaim. My mind going blank with confusion at Cree's reaction. I would’ve thought he’d be happy that I had a reason to want to stay on the straight path, to fight for it. But he just seems pissed the fuck off.
“He’s a bear. He just needs a minute,” Axel states as though that explains it.
“Well, fuck that shit,” I proclaim, standing from my seat between Enzo and Wild, neither trying to stop me as I storm off after the bear.
I hear Enzo following behind me, “I got twenty on, Riley.” A sense of pride fills me at his words. Fuck yeah, I got this.
Cree
My step falters as I’m shoved from behind. Catching my step as I whirl around, about to confront my attacker when they jump me. Fuck. Next thing I know I’m laying on my back in the dirt with a tight, lightweight body straddling my hips.
“Explain yourself, asshole,” Riley demands, her eyes on fire, glowing pure silver with the light of her wolf. I've never seen her wolf so close to the surface. Rather than answer, I lift my hand and run my fingers down her cheek along her jaw and come to rest my hand over her heart. It runs wild under my touch, as her breathing increases, her chest rising and falling quickly. I stare into her eyes, the eyes of h
er wolf. My bear comes to the surface wanting to meet her, his mate.
“Beautiful,” is all I can say. Riley looks conflicted like she wants to kiss me and kick the shit out of me at the same time when her eyes close and she gives her head a little shake. Clearing the mate fog from her mind, regaining her control.
“Explain, Cree. You cannot go getting hot headed over my choices. You may be my boss, but you do not own me, Cree.”
“You are my mate, Riley. I know it doesn’t make sense. You’re a wolf and I’m a bear, but regardless of species, I have a need to protect you. The thought of you running into danger set my bear off. So, it was either I left the room so he could cool off or blow up on you about putting yourself in harm's way.”
I can’t stay under her while having this conversation, not when all I can think about is losing myself inside her. Fuck, I’m growing harder by the second with her straddling me; the warmth from her center seeping through her jeans. I groan, sliding my hands to her thighs and try to push her off me, but she locks her legs on my hips.
She slides her hands up my chest and leans forward placing her forehead on mine. “I understand, Cree. The thought that I may hurt you causes extremely confusing feelings in me. But please try to understand I am an alpha too. The Shadowcrest Pack is my pack and I may need to fight to get it back.” She looks thoughtful for a moment before continuing. “I don’t know how, but somehow I know they need me. It’s not as though I’m going to face off with the alpha tomorrow, I’m not ready. I need to prepare, to train, to gather intel before I even think about taking him on.” The way her body reacts with a tense shiver and rigidness when she says him tells me there is a story there, one I desperately want to know about but now is not the time to ask.
“I’m not going to ask now, Riley, but someday I hope you’ll trust me enough to tell me your story.”
Beautifully Shattered: Shadowcrest Pack Series Book One Page 10