by KB Winters
“A few days. Calvin went through hell and highwater to get it to me. Still, I had to vet the information first before deciding if I could trust you with it.”
Calvin gave this to him? Was this why he was so desperate to have me come back from searching out Molly to take care of Ava Rose? So Cal told me but Jamie didn’t?
“A few days? You knew how desperate I was to find her and you sat on this for a few fucking days?”
“Jesus Christ, Madison.” He stared back at me, completely unapologetic. “Like I said, if Molly told you the truth about Mueller you might have tried to warn Sadie and Jasper. You might feel something for them, but I don’t, and I can’t risk that, not until I know the full story.”
“Fuck you, Jamie.”
“Yeah, we’ll get to that. For now, tell me you wouldn’t have run to Sadie or Kat, who took you in and gave you a job, and told them, no warned them, that Mueller was undercover FBI. Go on, tell me.”
I opened my mouth. Once. Twice. Three fucking times to deny it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t say with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t have let word slip because despite the lies and the secrecy, I did feel a certain loyalty to the Ashby family.
“Maybe I would have, but you know I’ve been trying to find my sister.”
“Bullshit. You say that you want to find her, but you’ve had that name for a week and you didn’t do shit with it until recently.” He huffed out a bitter laugh and went to the kitchen for a beer. “Yeah, Calvin Ashby told me he’d found her new ID and gave it to you.”
“What?”
Jamie shoved a beer in my hand and took a long pull from his bottle. “You’re afraid, that’s why you didn’t reach out to her. Maybe the dysfunction of the Ashbys is finally rubbing off on you. Maybe it’s what you want or maybe it’s all you fucking know so you gravitate to that dysfunction, Maddie. I don’t know, I really don’t know anymore.”
I stood too fast and knocked over the beer bottle. “You’re kidding, right? Of course, I want to find Molly. That’s the whole damn reason I’m still here.”
“Good to know.”
Jamie’s words contained a world of hurt, and I instantly felt sorry.
“You know what I mean, Jamie. Don’t try to put this on me. I finally heard from Molly after more than a year with no contact, and she told me to stop calling her. Why?”
He didn’t have answers and I didn’t expect him to, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed a roll of paper towels to clean up the spilled beer. “I’m sorry. Sorry I ever came here.”
“Oh, no, sweetheart, I don’t fucking think so.”
Before I could get to the door, Jameson had his big hand wrapped around my arm, yanking me backward.
“Sit your pretty little ass down, right here, and read the rest of the file. Read the whole goddamned thing so you know the whole truth of what Molly’s been through, of what Mueller did for her.”
I stood and shook my head because there was something in his tone that made me uneasy and slightly nauseous. “No, I don’t need—”
He put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me back down. “Sit. The. Fuck. Down. Read the fucking file, Maddie. You’re so sure that I’d take Mueller’s side, the FBI’s side without proof, so you sit your ass right there and read every fucking page.”
Guilt twisted in my gut. I shook my head. “You know I didn’t mean that, Jamie. I was upset. Hurt.”
“Just fucking read it!”
His words came out on a menacing roar that pulled a shocked gasp out of me.
My shoulders fell, and I nodded. “Okay. Fine, I’ll read it. Just one thing.”
“Read it, Maddie.”
“I will, but I’m sorry for questioning your loyalty, Jamie. You’ve been nothing but good to me.”
Maybe I was too fucked up in the head to appreciate that the way I should. Maybe he was just too good for the likes of me.
“Despite that, you don’t trust me.” He shook his head, a whole cast of emotions played across his face—anger, sadness and betrayal at the top of the list—and sighed. “I love you, Maddie, I really do, but this, us, will never work if you act up when you don’t get your way. If you can’t find a way to trust me, then yeah, maybe we are just fuck buddies.”
I was stuck on the I love you part of his little speech, and I stared at his handsome face for a long time, wondering if I’d imagined those words. Jamie Ellison said he loved me. Me, the tomboy from the shitty end of the trailer park. I shook my head, unable to believe it, no matter how desperate I was for it to be true.
“Jamie. I do trust you. I do.”
“It’s easy to say, Maddie. Read the fucking file and then show me.”
He walked away, pouring beer down his throat. Jamie let the back door smack shut and left me alone with the Mueller file.
And a lifetime of trust issues.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jameson
What the fuck was I thinking, falling for woman so tangled up with the Ashbys? Couldn’t shit ever be simple? Couldn’t just one fucking thing in my life be simple? Easy? At least un-fucking-complicated?
No.
That wasn’t my life, apparently. So I sat on the back deck brooding. And drinking. Wondering if my trust was misplaced and would come back to bite me in the ass. Or would Maddie prove me wrong? I wanted, more than anything, for her to prove to me that while she might feel some kind of loyalty to the Ashbys, it would never top her loyalty to me.
What a fucking pussy. That was probably what Charlie’d say if he were here right now. But he wasn’t. It was just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that wouldn’t stop because I fucking loved Maddie. I loved her goddammit, but as long as she was part of the Ashby family, it would always be an obstacle between us. How in the hell did I manage to fall in love, for the first time, with a woman who lived with one of the biggest crime families in Nevada? Hell, in the entire goddamn U S of A?
The same way you thought you could become a good cop coming from the baddest MC in the state.
“Fuck,” I growled to myself. Ma was right. I didn’t know how to do anything easy in my life. I would have to fight every day as a police officer to prove I wasn’t in the pocket of the Reckless Bastards or criminal families like the Ashbys. Every partner I had would look at me sideways until I proved myself. So why should loving Maddie be any different?
Because it just is.
I took a long pull of my beer and sighed my frustration. Maddie was perfect for me. She was exactly what I needed after a day of dealing with the dregs of society, the people the world forgot about, if the world ever gave a fuck in the first place.
I needed her smart mouth, her irreverent way of looking at the world despite how it had treated her when the world was too much for me. Hell, even now, days later, I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing the dead body of Tits Stepanova, and all I wanted was to hear Maddie’s laughter to drown out her screams of pain as those fuckers tortured her.
I wanted to lose myself in her body to wash away the stench of decaying flesh, to stare deep into her laughing brown eyes to get rid of that dead-eyed stare that never blinked. I didn’t just love her, didn’t just want her in my life, I fucking needed her. She was the air I breathed.
Or she would be if I could trust her.
But that wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon, so I drained my beer and tried to get my mind used to the idea that I’d have to learn to live without her.
There was movement inside the apartment, holding me there in my seat instead of heading inside to get another beer. I wondered if she’d leave without saying a word, or if she would make us both endure a long, drawn out goodbye.
“Jamie?” Her voice came out low and soft, almost timid. The only time I’d ever heard her sound like that was exhausted after too many orgasms.
“Maddie. You read the file.”
She let out a nervous sigh. “I did.”
I didn’t get up, but looked up at her, waiting for the bomb she was about to drop on me. Prep
aring myself for explosion in my gut when I realized I’d have to let her go. “Good. That’s what I wanted.”
It stung that she, of all people, would think I might be the kind of cop to accept shit at face value.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry to make you understand just how fucking sorry I am.”
Her words were gravelly, like it hurt to even say them.
“This past year, it’s been too much for me. Despite the shit show my life has been in general, I’ve only ever had to worry about me and Molly. And ever since you came into my life, well, giving a shit about another person has been hard. It takes some getting used to.”
“Not that hard, actually.” I was being a dick, but I needed to see if she was the kind of girl who’d fight when it was important, or if she’d just give up. Walk away. “If it matters.”
“Don’t be an asshole. It matters. It’s just, I was too busy thinking about you, about us, from one day to the next. I didn’t see the big picture. And the idea that Molly wanted nothing to do with me, it fucked my head up.”
I could hear the rejection in her tone, but I didn’t dare look at her.
Not yet.
“Jamie, I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.”
“You matter to me, a lot. And I want, no, I’m going to treat you like someone who matters to me. Because you do.”
I nodded, not quite sure if I believed her. “I matter. Great.”
“Fucking asshole,” she muttered low, is if to herself and moved around the deck so she stood right in front of me, hands fisted on her hips as she glared down at me. “I see now that Mueller wasn’t the piece of shit I thought he was, and I’m sorry I accused you of being a G-man.”
I nodded. “He was when he needed to be, Maddie. It’s the nature of undercover work, playing both sides.”
She nodded. Her expression seemed worried, almost afraid as she geared herself up to say whatever she needed to say next.
“In the spirit of sharing information and loyalties, I need to tell you something.” She nibbled her bottom lip, with her gaze lowered so she wasn’t quite looking me in the eye. I hated that I’d put this fucking distance between us.
“You can tell me anything, Maddie.”
“I know, but I didn’t tell you about it sooner because none of it made any sense to me, not because I don’t trust you. I didn’t have any context because I wasn’t part of the conversation. Okay, and yeah, I am afraid, which says more about my current living situation, but we’re not talking about that.”
“Maddie.”
“Yeah?”
I smiled. “You’re rambling.”
“I am.” She nodded and closed her eyes like she had to talk herself into speaking, and then she let out a sigh.
“I overheard Jasper and Sadie talking the other day.” Another lip nibble. And then a deep breath. “I don’t know which came first, the murder or the intel. It sounded like they were both at the hotel, but Jasper said he didn’t pull the trigger.”
“You heard all of that?” I tried to keep my expression even because for all my talk of trust, I didn’t want Maddie to know how important this information was to the investigation. “Anything else?”
She nodded. “He said something about Sadie’s obsession with priests biting them all in the ass. Oh, and they know Beck has them in her crosshairs. I don’t know what it means, but that’s what I heard.”
I shook my head as I took in all the details she threw at me, wondering if it was the truth, or if this was her way of trying to salvage things between us.
“Thanks for letting me know.”
My mind was full of too much shit, and I couldn’t think straight with those big brown eyes staring at me, begging me for…something.
Maddie opened her mouth to say something, probably to tear into me for my curt words, but then she snapped her mouth shut, and I started to worry. Gone was the woman who was full of fight, who never met an argument she shied away from, who was quick to tell someone to fuck off without considering their size or power.
She didn’t tear into me; she didn’t even roll her eyes or grunt at me in anger. Instead, tears shimmered in her eyes and her shoulders fell in disappointment, or resignation, I couldn’t be sure because she turned on her heels and walked away.
It felt like she wasn’t just walking away, it felt like she was leaving. For good.
I should have gotten up to stop her, to run after her and tell her that I was confused as fuck, not angry. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t move at all. My ass was stuck to the seat while my mind raced with all that Maddie had revealed. All the trust she put in me without regard to the danger she might now be in. In one fell swoop, she’d proven her love and her loyalty without regard to her own safety. How did I repay her? By being a dick. A silent, withholding asshole who didn’t deserve her.
“Fuck. Maddie, wait!” Finally, I pushed to my feet and rushed through the condo toward the front door, but when I got there all I saw was her taillights turning out of the parking lot.
“Phone.” The word was so loud in my head, it was as if my guardian angel shouted at me to get busy.
I went in search of my phone and called her, knowing if she heard my voice, she would come back to me.
“Hey, this is Maddie. Leave a message.”
“Maddie, call me. Please. It’s Jameson.” I tried her two more times, and her phone went straight to voicemail both times.
“Dammit!” She was ignoring me and I deserved it, but that didn’t mean I was ready to let her ignore me or walk away. I called again. “Maddie, I was an asshole, and I’m sorry. Come back so we can talk.”
What the fuck kind of idiot lets the woman he loves walk away with tears in her eyes?
A special kind of idiot.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Madison
“We’re sorry, the voice mail messaging service has not been set up—”
“Goddammit!”
I ended the call before the message ended and tossed my phone on the bed with more force than necessary. Every damn time I tried to call Molly, I got this stupid message. I tried again, determined to get her stubborn ass on the phone.
I wondered why Molly was afraid, now that I knew Mueller helped her. But if Mueller was a good guy like Jamie said, what did that mean for Molly’s fear? Was it genuine, or did he help her and she’s worried her captors are still looking for her? I didn’t know jack shit, and it pissed me off. It pissed me off more that she wouldn’t call me back, too.
Then again, I shouldn’t be all that surprised that even my own damn sister ghosted me. Jamie had practically kicked me out of his house, all because I refused to believe the bogeyman was no longer the bogeyman. Yeah, I might have fucked up but he did too.
Maybe it was time for me to do what Molly tried to do, stand on my own two feet. If my sister and my closest friend wanted nothing to do with me, why in the hell was I living in a gorgeous mansion with a bunch of people I couldn’t trust? I could work from anywhere. I didn’t need to be within spitting distance of the Ashby wi-fi connection to work for them. I could get my own apartment someplace in Glitz or even Vegas proper since I could afford it now. Mayhem, of course, was out of the question, but I had options.
I had choices.
Even if I didn’t like the idea of moving forward on my own, without my sister, I grabbed my laptop and pulled up a website dedicated to Las Vegas area rentals. Maybe I’d find a nice one-bedroom apartment with a view of the strip. Maybe I’d get a gym membership and join a book club, something to claim my life as mine and mine alone.
“You’re moving?” Cal’s voice boomed loudly behind me, startling a gasp out of me.
I turned and shot him a dark frown. “Don’t sneak up on me like that. You scared the shit out of me!”
“Sorry,” he said not looking sorry at all. “I called your name twice, and you didn’t answer. Does this have anything to do with Jameson?”
“Does what have to do with…you know what? No, this has nothing to do with Jamie. It has everything to do with the fact that I’m an adult and I need to learn how to get by on my own.”
Other than those first few months when Molly left for Nevada, I’d never been on my own. It was time.
Calvin laughed. “Look around, Maddie. We’re all adults, and we all still live at home.” He shrugged. “Even though they piss me off more than they don’t, there’s something comforting about having family so close. Even with all the headaches and fights, it’s nice to have them all close by. Safe, too.”
I understood all that. “Yes, but this is your family, Cal. And you stay close because there are always people trying to take you out.”
That was another factor. I didn’t want to end up in the crossfire of the many enemies of the Ashbys, as a family or as individuals.
“Goddammit, Maddie,” he roared and smacked a flat hand on the sturdy wood desk that pushed up against the window.
“I need you here for Ava. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing without Bonnie. Or you.”
“You do know what you’re doing, Calvin. It’s time for you to decide if you’re going to raise your little girl or spend your life chasing Bonnie’s killer.”
Cal shook his head. “I need you here and so does Ava Rose.”
“You don’t need me. You need your family, and that’s not me. This isn’t my family.”
I didn’t even know how to describe my relationship with this family, but if Terry wasn’t family, then I sure as hell wasn’t.
“Bullshit,” Cal spat at me. Finally, some of the life was coming back to him, and I was happy to see that. “You might not be blood, but you are family to me. Ava knows you better than anyone. You dry her tears and play with her. You’re the one who gives her the foods and toys she likes.”
He was right about that. The little girl did have a spot in my heart, another motherless child who would never be the same because of the loss.
“That’s low, Cal. Even for you.”