I jump as Fiona wrenches the car door open and tumbles inside, gasping as she is finally sheltered from the rain. I look at her and try not to laugh. Her perfectly blow-dried hair looks as if someone has thrown a bucket of water over the top, and her silk blouse is sticking to her body like it’s made of cling film.
‘Urgh,’ she groans, snapping the mirror down in front of her face and scowling at her reflection. ‘What is the point of spending triple the amount on make-up if it’s just going to fall off your face at the first sight of rain?’
She tries to wipe away the smears of black that have gathered under her eyes, and I switch my phone to silent.
‘Thank you so much for this job offer,’ I say. ‘I’m so excited.’
She tries to flash me a smile, but as soon as she lays eyes on me, her expression is immediately stolen by a frown.
‘You deserve it,’ she says tonelessly, rubbing under her eyes desperately. ‘Listen,’ she adds, ‘I won’t need you to start for another week or so; we’ll have to sort out some paperwork. Why don’t you extend your holiday and go back to Wales? You never take your annual leave anyway.’
I try to keep my mouth from dropping open as she says this so casually, after making such a fuss about me taking time off in the first place.
‘Really?’ I say. ‘Are you sure?’
She flicks the mirror back up and turns the key in the ignition, and for a moment I feel as though she’s trying to avoid my eyes.
‘Yes,’ she says, ‘and actually I need to go home to get changed now, thanks to that bloody teacher who wanted to talk to me about Jasmine in the pouring rain, so I’ll drop you back too. You may as well go back this evening.’
I look down at my phone. The surprise party for Rachel is tomorrow.
‘Okay,’ I say slowly, ‘so when do you want me back?’
‘Oh,’ she says, waving her hand in the air as we pull away, ‘sometime next week. Whenever.’
‘Right,’ I say, chewing my lip as I reopen Ellie’s message. ‘Okay. Thanks.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
RACHEL
I stare at my stomach, which is sticking up through the water like a desolate island. My bath is tepid, as it always has to be when you’re pregnant, and far from the steaming bubble bath I was craving, but if I close my eyes and dip my head under the surface, the sound of water rushing around my ears almost rinses my brain of the fear that is constantly thumping through me. Just for a second.
Katy had an absolute field day in my house. She used all my bubble bath and at least half of my lotion (my anti-stretch-mark one and everything! Like she even needs it!). Also, I’m pretty sure she used my pregnancy pillow, or at the very least tried it out, which almost makes me laugh out loud. What on earth did she think it was?
I rest my hand on my bump as the baby wriggles round.
‘What will it be like when you’re here?’ I say quietly. ‘Will you be like Jasmine or William? Do you think I will be as good at it as Fiona is?’
A lump swells in my throat as the baby kicks. I’m unsure as to whether it’s a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, but it’s nice to know that someone is listening. I pull my eyes open as I hear Bruno bark from downstairs, and curse under my breath. He only barks for two reasons: if he needs a wee or if there is someone at the door. Neither of those reasons will go away in a hurry.
As carefully as I can, I climb out of the bath and drape the extra-large dressing gown around my body. I glance down at my phone, secretly hoping Katy may have texted me, but it stares back up at me motionless. I haven’t heard from her since she found Grandma’s ashes; not that I’m really expecting to, but I had half hoped that once she’d had the chance to cool off, she might have seen it from my point of view. Which would have been a stretch, since I’m not even sure what that is myself.
As I walk down the stairs, I notice Bruno by the front door and roll my eyes. Isaac is the only person who knocks on the front door these days; any friends I had got the message when I gave them every excuse under the sun not to see them, or eventually stopped replying to them altogether.
I edge the door open and stick my head through the gap, shielding my damp body behind the door. Isaac notices my wet hair and pulls a face.
‘This isn’t a great time,’ I say. ‘I was in the bath.’
‘Oh,’ he says, ‘sorry. I just need to talk to you.’
I shoot him a look. ‘Again?’
‘Yes.’
I sigh loudly and step back to allow him inside. He rubs Bruno’s ears and I perch on the armchair, hugging the dressing gown around my swollen body. As I look back up at Isaac, I almost want to laugh. He’s practically wincing at me.
‘Will you stop looking at me like that?’ I say, half laughing. ‘You’re acting like you’ve never seen a pregnant woman before.’
‘I haven’t seen one as big as you,’ he says. ‘No offence,’ he adds quickly, and I wave my hand at him. ‘Are you sure you’re not about to give birth, though? I mean, you’re just so pregnant now.’
I raise my eyebrows at him.
God, I feel sorry for any woman he ever has a baby with if these are the compliments she can expect.
‘Two weeks,’ I say, ‘well, two and a bit. Most go longer with their first, though. I’m fine. What’s up?’
He snaps his eyes away from my bump and drops into the sofa.
‘I think you’re wrong about Katy,’ he says simply.
I try not to groan. I can’t be bothered to go through this again.
‘Also,’ he adds sheepishly, ‘I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re just so pregnant and I—’
‘Tell me what?’ I interrupt, my heart picking up its pace.
Isaac’s shoulders droop and he runs his hand through his hair.
‘I’m only telling you because I’m worried you’re about to, like, give birth or something,’ he says, the words pulling their way out of him.
I wait for him to finish, trying to ignore the fear that is twisting my gut.
‘Also, when she left, I didn’t think it was going to happen. But I’ve heard from Ellie that she’s on her way back here tonight.’
‘Katy is coming back here?’ I repeat. ‘Why?’
‘She’s throwing you a surprise party,’ Isaac blurts. ‘She was worried something was going on with you and she wanted to cheer you up.’ He raises his eyebrows at me. ‘She knows you better than you think.’
I stare at him, trying to digest this news.
‘Katy is coming here?’ I say slowly. ‘Tonight?’
‘Yes!’ Isaac says quickly, leaning forward. ‘And I think that just shows how much she cares about you.’
‘What time?’ I say.
‘I don’t know. Ellie has just texted me to ask to borrow some eggs for the cake.’
‘Ellie?’ I say. ‘Ellie is coming?’
‘All your friends are coming!’ Isaac cries. ‘Everyone wants to see you, that’s why Katy organised it! Even Peggy is coming.’
I try and swallow the thick lump in my throat.
‘Right,’ I say slowly, ‘great. So everyone can see how much of a failure I am in one go, right? They can all gossip simultaneously about how sad it is that poor Rachel’s husband left her. Isn’t it so sad that Rachel slept with a guy who then wanted nothing to do with her? Isn’t it terrible that Rachel will be a single mother and will spend the rest of her life alone?’
My voice rises as the words pour out, the anger and shame pulsing through me and landing on Isaac. He stares back at me, his mouth open.
‘That’s not true,’ he mumbles. ‘That isn’t what people—’
‘You have no idea what this is like for me,’ I say coldly. ‘No one does.’
‘That’s only because you won’t let us in!’ Isaac cries, throwing his arms in the air as he jumps to his feet. ‘You won’t give anyone the chance to help you, not even Katy! It’s like you’re trying to punish yourself.’
I glare at him, my eyes burning with tears. He
stares back at me, desperation beaming from his face.
‘You can’t lie about this forever,’ he says eventually. ‘I just wanted to let you know. Why are you so convinced she won’t care?’
‘Because that’s the way we’ve been for years,’ I mutter. ‘Not really making the effort with each other, giving each other half-arsed answers, lying to each other. Look at all those lies she told about her flat and her job. Why couldn’t she tell me the truth? I’d be asking her to be there for me because I need her, even though I was never there for her when she needed me.’
I break off, my heart racing as I catch the words falling out of me. Isaac is blinking at me, speechless, but now I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop.
‘She begged me not to cut our dad out, and I did. She begged me to go to London with her, and I deserted her.’
‘She doesn’t see it that way,’ Isaac says in a small voice.
‘And now!’ I cry, a laugh pumping out of me as tears swell up in my eyes, ‘now she knows that I didn’t even share Grandma’s ashes with her when we were going through the worst pain in our lives. I was too selfish. How can I ask her to help me? I don’t deserve it.’
I clench my hands together, my eyes fixed on the floor as anger throbs through me. Eventually Isaac fishes out a packet of Smarties from his pocket and places them on the coffee table.
‘I think she’ll surprise you,’ he says quietly.
I don’t look at him as he ruffles Bruno’s ears and then walks out of the house. As the door slams shut, my body jumps and the tears sitting in my eyes break free. Katy is coming back, and has arranged for all my friends to be here. The friends I have ignored for months and completely shut out. The friends who have known Danny and me for years and always called us ‘the perfect couple’. They will all gather together here in celebration, only to be shocked when they see how much of a mess I am.
My phone vibrates next to me and I see Katy’s name flash onto the screen. A stab of panic jolts through me and I get to my feet. Fear takes over my body as I realise I will never be ready to tell her, I’ll never be strong enough for her to reject me and as I grab my empty suitcase, I realise that I’m not strong enough to do this at all.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
KATY
I stare down at my phone as the taxi rolls slowly through the village. The place is asleep under the blanket of an inky sky, and only the small light in Rachel’s front room signals me in the right direction, like a lighthouse waiting for a ship. But she’s not there.
Hey, sorry, realised I left something important in your flat so have to go pick it up! Hope you don’t mind.
Worry curls through my body as I read the message for what feels like the hundredth time and questions twist through my mind.
What is she talking about? What on earth could she have left behind that is so important I couldn’t have posted it to her?
But there are louder questions that scream at me through this text message. She’s not asking if I’ll be in, or if I mind her staying. She must know I won’t be here, which makes me wonder if she knows I was coming back to Wales to surprise her.
A cold thought drops into my mind.
Which makes me wonder whether she’s trying to avoid me.
The driver clicks off the ignition and I break from my trance and look out of the window. As I see the blue gate and the strings of ivy that weave up the house, I feel a pang of warmth in the pit of my stomach, like being enveloped by a warm hug. I push open the car door and want to laugh with relief as for a moment the salty air swishes around me and I feel as though it’s going to steal my anxieties away and drop them into the sea like a stray leaf. I dig my hands into my pockets and pass the driver some change, smiling at him gratefully.
I wanted to come back for the surprise party, but more than that I wanted to be able to speak to Rachel about everything. I wanted to try and understand why she kept Grandma’s ashes, and justify why I’ve been lying to her about pretty much all of my life choices since I moved away. It didn’t cross my mind that she wouldn’t be here.
I fish the spare key out of my pocket and slot it in the door. With ears like a bat, Bruno springs up at the bay window and lets out a loud howl. I smile at him.
‘Hey, boy,’ I say as I push the front door open, ‘bet you weren’t expecting me back so early . . .’
The words die in the air as I flick the light on and stare at the living room. When I arrived here last week, everything was perfect. It was like a hotel. Now, there are clothes strewn across the floor, stacks of plates are piled up on the coffee table and muddy footprints have been stomped into the carpet. My foot crunches on something as I take a step forward, and as my eyes follow the sound, I realise I’ve stepped on the only photo of Rachel and Danny, an ugly fork now cracked over their smiling faces. I pick it up, trying to keep Bruno at bay as he leaps around me. Did I do this, or was it already broken?
My mouth is dry as I stare around helplessly, fear echoing in my ears. I dial Rachel’s number and it immediately clicks to her sunny voicemail. I sink into the sofa and flinch as something pushes against the back of my legs. I look down and realise I’ve sat on a packet of Smarties, the cardboard now misshapen under my weight. I hold the Smarties in my hand and stare into the darkness, trying to make sense of what’s in front of me.
*
I spent the night flitting in and out of intense nightmares where I was falling down a well and Rachel was watching me, her hand outstretched, but I couldn’t reach it. Each time I woke, hot and gasping for breath, I grabbed my phone, but it stared back up at me, motionless. It wasn’t until the vibration of my phone rips me out of my dream that I see her name flashing up at me.
Sorry house is state. I’m fine.
I glare down at the message. Oh, she’s fine, is she? That’s all she’s going to say?
I fire a message back immediately.
When are you coming back? I need to talk to you, I thought you’d be here.
Two blue ticks flash onto my screen as soon as I hit send, but she doesn’t reply.
I push myself out of bed and stomp downstairs, grabbing my dressing gown and wrapping it round myself.
This is ridiculous. I can’t throw her a surprise party if she’s not even here! She can’t just stalk off into the night again with no reasonable explanation! I mean, Christ, what is going on? Is she running from the law? Has she killed someone?
I rip the front door open and hear myself gasp as the icy wind greets me. I grip my dressing gown tighter as I charge down the garden path and up to Isaac’s front door.
I don’t care how early it is. He knows something about my sister and it’s about time he bloody told me. Also, he loves knocking on my door at the crack of dawn, so it’s time for him to experience it himself. And do you know what? If he gets angry, I won’t even care. I’ll say, listen here, mate—
The door flies open and Isaac looks at me, bewildered. His eyes are half open and to my alarm I realise that he’s just in his boxer shorts. For a moment I forget my anger as hot embarrassment shoots up my body.
Bloody hell, does he always answer the door like that? He’ll push our poor postman into an early retirement!
‘Katy?’ he says, scrunching his eyes as he tries to adjust to the light. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I came back to see Rachel,’ I say hotly, my skin prickling as the wind continues to bite at me. ‘I wanted to check she was okay, but she’s not here, again. What’s going on?’
At this, Isaac’s eyes open fully.
‘She’s not here?’ he repeats. ‘She’s not in the house?’
‘No!’ I cry, flapping my arms in the air. ‘She said that she left something important at my flat and that she needed to go back, but that isn’t like her at all!’ To my alarm, fat tears begin to swell in my eyes. ‘None of this is like her! Her house is an absolute state and she’s being distant and weird and I don’t understand.’ I break off, staring up at Isaac desperately. ‘I know there’
s something going on with her but she won’t let me in. Is it Danny? Has he left?’
Isaac goes to respond, but I’m not finished.
‘Did you see her?’ I gabble. ‘When she came back?’
Slowly he nods, his mouth twisting uncomfortably.
‘Was she okay?’ I say. ‘Did she seem okay?’
My heart hammers in my chest as I stare at him imploringly. Eventually he shrugs.
‘I didn’t know she was leaving,’ he says quietly. ‘I told her about the party; it must have freaked her out.’
I feel my jaw drop.
That can’t be it. She’s run away because she’s scared of the surprise party?
‘What?’ I say helplessly. ‘That’s why she’s gone back to London? I don’t understand!’ I cry, tears now escaping freely down my face. ‘I don’t understand any of this. It doesn’t make any sense.’
‘Hey.’ Isaac steps forward and pulls me into a hug. My damp faces presses against his bare chest, and for a moment I allow myself to sink into him.
‘Come on,’ he says, ‘come inside for a minute. She might have just needed some space. I’m sure she’ll be back.’
I nod weakly and follow him inside, his words drumming through my body.
She does need some space; my sister needs some space from me.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
RACHEL
Like clockwork, Jasmine’s face pops up at the cabin window just like I knew it would. It’s just gone 6 a.m., and the last message from Katy is still blinking up at me from my phone. Every time I read it, I feel as though I might throw up.
I didn’t think about much before jumping into a taxi and asking it to take me to Chiswick. I could have gone anywhere. I could have driven ten miles up the road and stayed in a Holiday Inn; why did I decide to go hundreds of miles to a place I barely knew? But when I was throwing everything into a bag and running into the rain last night, the lodge felt like a physical pull. I needed to be back where nobody looked at me with anything but kindness, no questions asked. Just for one more day, that was what I needed.
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