‘Stay there,’ she says. ‘We’re not getting out yet.’ She stares at me imploringly as I undo my seat belt. ‘Let me help you walk in.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say at once, forcing a smile on my face. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’
She blinks back at me and I flash another reassuring smile.
‘Really,’ I say, ‘I’ll be fine.’
I take a deep breath, trying to silence the rattling nerves that have sprung to life all over my body. Carefully I push the car door open and step down, pulling my cardigan around my body as I walk down the garden path. Hot tears spring into my eyes as I take out my key and slot it into the door and step into the cottage, my secret finally on full display.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
KATY
‘SURPRISE!’ I yell, throwing my arms in the air as the front door creaks open. Ellie turns the lights on and everyone jumps to their feet. My heart races as adrenaline thumps through my body, and my toothy smile splits my face.
Rachel’s face is still and perfectly composed and for a horrible second I think she isn’t happy to see me. Then my eyes fall down her body and my stomach drops.
‘Oh my God!’ I cry, my eyes widening. ‘You’re pregnant!’
I step forward and grab her hands, my body shaking as I stare at her. Her brown eyes glisten back at me, a look of sorrow painted on her face.
‘I’m so relieved!’ I gabble. ‘I was so worried that something had happened between you and Danny, but I was wrong: you’re having a baby!’
I hover in front of her, an uneasy question swimming in front of my eyes.
Why wouldn’t she tell me she was pregnant?
A moment too late, I pull her into a hug, an awkward laugh falling out of me.
This was her secret? Why would she keep this a secret from me?
‘You’re pregnant!’ I say again, although this time it comes with a sharper edge. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Sorry, sorry!’
I jump as Fiona appears, holding hands with William and Jasmine.
‘They’re desperate for the toilet. Hello, Katy, where is . . .?’
I hold a limp arm towards the stairs and Fiona squeezes past us, Jasmine flashing me a guilty smile.
My eyes stay fixed on Rachel, waiting for her to reply, and I suddenly feel Isaac behind me.
‘I’m just going to give you two some privacy,’ he says quietly, pulling the porch door closed behind us. Without quite meaning to, I snap round to face him as realisation hits me.
‘You knew about this?’
He freezes in the doorway, his eyes flitting over to Rachel.
‘I asked him not to tell you,’ she says quietly.
Heat rushes over me as I stare at him, almost waiting for him to tell me that it’s not true. That he didn’t know, he hasn’t been lying to me for the entire week.
‘But why?’ I say stupidly, turning back to Rachel. ‘Why wouldn’t you tell me? You’re going to be a family! When is Danny back? Will he have some time off when the baby is born?’
She flinches and pulls her hands away from mine. My heart turns over as a tear escapes her eyes and she shakes her head. My stomach tightens. How can they make Danny be away when his wife and newborn child are at home? That’s not fair, they can’t expect—
‘It’s not Danny’s.’
A chill runs through me. Rachel has always been with Danny; I’ve never known her with anyone else.
‘You had an affair?’ I manage.
She shakes her head, tears now streaming down her face. I stare back at her helplessly.
‘Rachel, I don’t understand!’ I cry, confusion bubbling alongside anger. ‘What’s going on with you? Why didn’t you tell me any of this? Why have you been lying to me again? I don’t feel like I even know—’
I break off as she lets out a scream and stares at the floor. A cold bolt of panic shoots through me and I follow her gaze to see a small glistening puddle shining up at us.
Oh my God.
Rachel pulls her eyes up to mine, a look of terror etched on her face. Suddenly I feel a surge of heat rush up my body, and I grab her hands, gripping onto them tightly.
‘What is it?’ Isaac cries, pulling open the porch door. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Get the car,’ I say, trying to keep my voice steady as fear whips up in my insides. ‘We need to go to hospital. Now.’
*
If anyone wants to know what the best form of contraception is, it’s watching your identical twin in labour in the back of a Ford Fiesta and breaking every bone in your hand in the process.
I mean, Jesus. What happened to Call the Midwife, where nice women hand nice clean babies to their nice clean mothers? This is more like Game of Thrones and Rachel is about to give birth to a raging dragon.
I quickly modify my face as I realise I’m gawping at her in horror, again.
‘Stop looking at me like that!’ she snarls between gritted teeth, her head pushed back onto the seat as beads of sweat break out on her forehead.
‘Sorry!’ I say quickly, forcing an unnatural smile onto my face as I squeeze my legs together, saving my poor vagina from her squeals before it closes up completely. ‘It’s going to be fine, Rachel. Just breathe, okay? Just breathe.’
What am I talking about? I’m just repeating rubbish I’ve seen on Holby City! I know nothing about giving birth! Nothing!
Oh God, what if we don’t make it to the hospital in time and I have to deliver this baby in the car? I can’t deliver her baby! I don’t even like looking at my own vagina at the best of times!
‘It hurts,’ she whimpers, scrunching up her face, ‘it really hurts.’
‘I know,’ I say, rubbing her arm with my free, non-crushed hand, ‘I know.’
I mean, I don’t know. I haven’t got a bloody clue. This is the stuff nightmares are made of. I cried when I had my ears pierced, for goodness’ sake.
‘It’s okay!’ Isaac calls from the driver’s seat. ‘We’re almost there, Rachel! I know about this sort of thing and you’re doing great.’
I gape at him from the back seat.
Know about this sort of thing? How can he possibly know anything about this? He doesn’t even have a vagina!
‘I’ve delivered a goat before,’ he says steadily, even though I can see in the mirror that his face is white and stricken. ‘This is all normal.’
‘Rachel’s not a goat!’ I shriek, feeling as though I may burst as Rachel lets out another deep groan.
Christ alive, if we can’t get to the hospital in time, it looks like I’ll have to deliver this baby. I’m not letting Isaac near Rachel if he doesn’t think there’s much difference between a woman and a random ruminant.
I mean, he saw me naked last week! What does that say about me?
‘Katy,’ Rachel rolls her head towards me, her face wet, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was scared.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say quickly. ‘You don’t have to explain.’
‘I was scared you wouldn’t want to know,’ she continues, her voice strained. ‘I was worried you’d be angry or—’
Her words are swallowed by a scream, and I feel a shock of panic as she arches her back.
‘ISAAC!’ I yell. ‘We need to get to hospital now! How fast are you going?’ I stick my head over his shoulder and glare at the speedometer. ‘Thirty-five?’ I cry incredulously. ‘This is an emergency, you should be doing at least fifty!’
‘I can’t do fifty in a thirty zone!’ he scoffs. ‘Rachel, we’re two minutes away, just hang on.’
‘Just close your legs,’ I plead, turning back to Rachel and cupping her face. ‘Just for two minutes.’
‘That won’t help!’ Isaac cries from the front seat.
‘Oh, sorry I’m not an expert in goat birth like you,’ I snap. ‘She’s not about to give birth to a wheel of Brie.’
‘That doesn’t even make any sense!’
‘Stop fighting,’ Rachel groans, wrenching her eye
s open to stare at me desperately. ‘Katy, please, I don’t know how much longer I’ve got. You’re going to have to deliver this baby.’
My eyes widen in shock.
No fucking way.
‘Isaac!’ I scream. ‘Hurry up!’
‘We’re here,’ he pants, wrenching up the handbrake. He climbs out of the car and Rachel stares at me, fear flashing onto her face.
‘Will you text Dad and tell him?’ she says quickly.
Dad?
‘Yeah, of course.’
She gives me a limp smile, and I squeeze her hand.
‘I’m scared,’ she says quietly.
‘I’m here,’ I tell her, my heart racing in my chest. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
She nods slowly, tears leaking down her face. I wipe them away, my eyes locked onto hers fiercely.
‘I’m here.’
*
I stagger out of the hospital room, my eyes twitching as I try and stay focused under the unnaturally bright lights glaring down at us from the neatly placed squares in the ceiling. Rachel has been in labour for hours, and I mean hours. If I’d have known that was going to happen, I never would have panicked so much in the car. Every ten minutes or so she seems to let out a shriek of pain and lurch her body forward, and I jump to attention like I’ve been stabbed by a cattle prod, and the nurse makes some cooing noises and suggests I rub Rachel’s back while she rocks on all fours.
I mean, crikey. Maybe Isaac was on to something comparing her to a goat.
I’ve been sent out on a mission to get some apple juice and Kit Kats. I’m not sure whether Rachel is even allowed to eat while she’s in labour, but those were her orders. Although perhaps she’s just sending me on a scavenger hunt to get rid of me for a few minutes.
Anxiety twists in my gut as I turn on my heel, following the signs towards the café. Rachel has tried explaining things to me, but every time she speaks, I bat her away. She has more important things to worry about. But now that I am alone, an uneasy feeling reawakens in the pit of my stomach and starts to whirl around like a washing machine.
So this is what’s been going on with her. This is why she’s been distant and odd for the last few months, and even more so since I arrived in Wales. Her marriage had ended and she’s pregnant. And she didn’t want me to know.
I chew on my lip as guilt swells in my chest.
How could she go through all of this alone? How could she lock out everybody she loves?
My eyes sting as the loudest question hums in my mind.
How could I not have noticed? I knew something was wrong, but I just thought something was going on with Danny. I didn’t even try and ask her. I should have forced her to tell me. I should have stayed on the phone until she told me.
I blink away the tears pricking my eyes and turn another corner. I tuck my hands in my pockets as I walk. It’s almost two in the morning. Two in the morning! A part of me thinks Rachel is shrieking like a banshee every ten minutes just to make sure I haven’t dropped off, which is very tempting seeing as we’re in a building full of beds and clean sheets.
Everyone seems very relaxed and the midwife keeps telling Rachel that she’s doing very well. I won’t tell you what she did to work that out, but let’s just say it was enough for me to go bright red and stifle a gasp of embarrassment.
I turn another corner, trying to take note of the route so I can find Rachel again as quickly as possible. Although at this rate it feels as though she’ll never have the bloody baby.
I wonder if they sell cheese toasties in the café. That would be nice. Would Rachel like one of those?
‘Katy?’
I jump at the sound of my name and spot Isaac sitting on a red plastic chair. He stands as I approach him, his eyes bloodshot.
Has he been here all night?
‘Isaac,’ I say, ‘what are you doing here?’
For a second he just looks at me, and I feel my heart ache, unable to break his stare.
‘How’s Rachel?’ he says eventually, his voice hoarse. ‘Peggy is here too. She’s just gone to the café.’
I blink at him.
‘Fine,’ I reply. ‘No baby yet.’
‘Oh. Good.’
We sink back into silence and I feel tears creep into my eyes.
God, this is horrible. We can’t even speak to each other any more.
‘Right,’ I say, ‘well, I’d better go get—’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,’ he says suddenly. ‘About Rachel. I know I should have done, I knew all along, but she begged me not to. She wanted to tell you herself.’
I feel my throat swell as I meet his eye.
I laugh awkwardly and shrug my shoulders.
‘When do you go back to London?’ he asks.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘In a few days, I guess. I’ll make sure Rachel is settled, then I’ll go.’
For a second I think Isaac is going to argue with me, but as he rubs his chin, an odd smile skims across his face.
‘Cool,’ he says. ‘Probably for the best.’
He pulls out his phone and I hover in front of him, suddenly feeling as though the conversation has ended.
‘I’ll let you know when the baby is born,’ I say quietly, turning on my heel and walking towards the café, careful to shield my eyes as the tears I’ve been fighting fall down my face. As I brush them away, I almost crash into Peggy. She clutches her chest and laughs.
‘Gosh, you two look so alike, for a second I thought you were Rachel!’ she cries. I try and give her a half-smile back, but the tears are still swimming in front of my eyes, and Peggy takes my arm and guides me into a seat.
‘Hey, pet,’ she says softly, ‘what’s going on? Are these happy tears? They don’t look like them.’
I shake my head, trying to wipe the tears away as soon as they fall.
Come on, Katy. Stop crying. Get a grip!
‘You should be happy,’ Peggy says, gripping my thigh and giving it a little shake. ‘You’re about to become an auntie! It’s exciting!’
‘But she didn’t tell me,’ I say quietly, finally managing to stop crying. ‘Why didn’t she tell me? Doesn’t she think I’d want to be an auntie? Does she think that little of me?’
My body slumps forward and I cover my face with my hands, forcing a deep breath into my aching lungs.
This has been swirling round my mind for hours. Why didn’t she tell me any of this? How could she think I wouldn’t want to know?
Peggy sighs. After a moment, she unwraps a Twix and hands half to me.
‘I think it’s more complicated than that, love,’ she says. ‘I think she needs you to be more than an auntie.’
I remove my face from my hands and look at Peggy’s kind eyes.
‘I think she needs you back for good.’
I rub my throbbing forehead with the back of my hand.
‘But why didn’t she just ask me?’
Peggy cocks her head, swirling her half of the Twix in her tea.
‘I think she’s frightened you’ll say no.’
CHAPTER FORTY
RACHEL
I take a small sip of water and smile down at Katy. Her body is folded in half in the chair next to me, so that her sleeping face is resting by my feet like a faithful cat. I did try and tell her to go home at one point, but I think between my wavering voice and my desperation to clutch onto her hand, I wasn’t very convincing.
An hour has gone by since I gave birth, and almost as soon as the baby arrived and we knew she was healthy, Katy collapsed into a pile and has been asleep ever since.
Even though my entire body aches with exhaustion, I am far too awake to close my eyes. Little sparks of joy have been whizzing around my body like fireflies from the moment I saw my daughter’s face, all pink and scrunched up, confused and agitated at being pulled into the world. As soon as I laid eyes on her, all the anxiety I had allowed to take hold of my body fell away like chains, and every space
that had been filled with fear was suddenly bursting full of love. How could I have ever wanted to hide you, I thought, when you must be the most important thing I will ever do? In that moment, nothing else mattered, and suddenly I wasn’t afraid of being alone. I was a mother; I had someone who needed me and someone to love unconditionally. That was all that mattered. It was all that would ever matter.
*
I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I know I can feel a light vibration on my legs coming from Katy’s wrist. I pull open my eyes, which burn under the white hospital lights, and see Katy unfolding herself from her sleeping position. She looks around, momentarily confused, before flashing me a lopsided smile.
‘Hey,’ she says, her voice husky, ‘how are you feeling?’
‘Okay,’ I answer.
I’m not going to tell her how badly the stitches hurt, and the way my body feels as though it’s been wrung through a mangle. I’ve scarred her enough as it is, and I’d like my daughter to someday have a cousin.
‘Oh.’ She smiles down at her watch and picks up her phone. ‘Look.’
She turns the phone to face me, and I smile at a photo of Fiona, Jasmine, William and Bruno. William and Jasmine are bursting with giggles as Bruno is mid-lick of Jasmine’s pink cheeks, and Fiona is holding the camera, her mouth split into a wide smile. My heart lifts.
‘They said they’d stay and look after Bruno,’ Katy says. ‘I did tell her that he’d be fine for a night on his own.’
I laugh, zooming in on William’s screwed-up face. ‘They asked to see photos of Bruno all the time,’ I say. ‘I think they want a dog.’
‘Fiona would never allow that.’
‘I know.’
Katy sighs and smiles at the picture.
‘They’ve been like a family to me,’ she says quietly. ‘Fiona really looked after me from the moment I arrived.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I felt that way when I was with them too.’
‘Did you have dinner round their big table?’ Katy says, her eyes glinting as she looks up at me. ‘With the kids talking about their day and arguing about homework?’
I smile, warmth spreading through my chest. ‘Yeah.’
‘It always reminds me of when Grandma was alive,’ she says.
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