by Lori Wick
“I hope that frown isn’t for me.”
“It’s not,” Charlie answered and then looked away, knowing no matter how kind he was, she mustn’t let herself get more attached to this man than she already was.
“Are you all right?”
“Why wouldn’t I be all right?” Charlie’s tone was suspicious.
“Since you’re the one who’s been crying, you’ll need to tell me.” Sean’s voice was soft, and Charlie turned her head slowly back to look at him. Her look was filled with surprise, and Sean had to speculate for only a moment on what she might be thinking.
“How did you know I’d been crying?”
Sean smiled; he couldn’t help it. “Charlotte.” Again his voice was very low. “Haven’t you ever looked in the mirror after you’ve cried?” Sean raised one finger and tenderly touched one corner of Charlie’s red-rimmed eyes.
The act was too much for the confused redhead. Her eyes filled with tears once again and before she could even draw a breath, Sean gathered her to himself.
Charlie told herself to pull away, but his arms felt so good, and he smelled wonderful. She suddenly remembered the regret on her husband’s face when he realized that he had missed his father by six weeks. Knowing that he was never even supposed to be here, and that he would never really be hers, was enough to make her cry all the harder.
“Charlotte, Charlotte, please try to stop. You’re going to make yourself sick.” Sean stroked her hair with his free hand and thought his heart would break. If only she would confide in him. Theirs had become a strange relationship all over again. Husband and wife, but not lovers. Housemates, but just barely friends.
Charlie, in an attempt to stop her tears, drew in a shuddering breath and tipped her head back to look at her husband. She told herself to thank him and move out of his arms, but no words would come. She watched Sean’s gaze drop from her eyes to her mouth, and still she couldn’t move. Not even when she watched his head lower and felt his hand holding the back of her head, was she able to put any space between them.
The kiss was like nothing Sean had ever dreamed of. He honestly believed he was going slowly, but when Charlie whimpered he knew he was crushing her in his arms. He loosened his hold without breaking the kiss, shifting his wife onto his lap as he did. She was kissing him back now, and Sean felt as lightheaded as a man who had gone for days with an empty stomach.
Empty. That word perfectly described Sean’s arms a moment later when Charlie suddenly pushed away from him and stood a few yards away. Sean took several deep breaths and had to clear his throat before he spoke.
“I’m not going to apologize for that, Charlotte, because saying I’m sorry would be a lie. I like kissing you, and I hope someday you’ll enjoy it too.”
“I enjoyed it.” Charlie could have pulled her own tongue out.
“Then why are you way over there looking terrified?”
“I don’t know. There’s so much between us, and I think if we had continued it would have complicated things further.” The words were stilted, and Sean wished with all his might that he knew what she was talking about. Complicate what things?
“Charlotte, I’m not sure I understand.”
“And I’m not sure I can explain.”
Sean realized he would have to be satisfied with that. He stood, determined not to press her, but equally determined not to leave her in the barn alone.
“Why don’t we head inside now. Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow.”
Charlie seemed relieved by his understanding and went willingly with him to the house.
“While you’re here I want to get a lot of this done. Everything is pretty small, and I guess that’s why it has been sitting for so long. They are just the jobs I never seem to get started.”
Sean listened silently as Charlie spoke over lunch. She was communicating with him now, but all was strictly business. She had also insinuated often in the last three days that Sean was going somewhere. It was always subtle, but Sean never missed it. To his surprise Charlie had been eager to resume her reading lessons. At first it made no sense, but as Sean listened to his wife, he realized she wanted him to teach her before he left.
Well she’s going to be in for a surprise, Sean thought to himself, because I’m not going anywhere.
In fact, he was going to be beside her even more, as much as it was in his power to do so, and his plan of attack was going to begin that very evening.
As had become their routine since the day after Patrick left, Charlie quickly cleared the kitchen table and retrieved the primer. She turned the lantern high and waited for Sean to join her.
“Why don’t we study in the living room tonight?” Sean suggested as he picked up the lantern and pulled out his wife’s chair. She looked surprised, but preceded Sean into the other room, primer in hand.
Sean sat very close to Charlie on the sofa and took the book from her grasp. He opened to the page where he wanted her to start and stayed close as she read. She was doing exceptionally well, and Sean uttered only a few corrections as she read the simple story. She stumbled over the word “ear” and Sean helped her, but before she could read on, he interrupted.
“You have very nice ears,” he said softly. “I wonder why I’ve never noticed them before.”
Charlie’s hand came up. She touched her ear self-consciously, turning slightly to look at her husband. He was nearly touching her with the way he was leaning to read over her shoulder, and as soon as her eyes caught his, he winked at her.
Charlie nearly dropped the book, and Sean smiled as she cleared her throat and tried once again to read. But Sean could tell she wasn’t concentrating. She stumbled over words she had never had any difficulty with, and after a few moments Sean took pity on her.
“Could we skip the reading lesson tonight, Charlotte?”
“Skip it?” Charlie’s voice was several octaves higher than normal, and she looked ready to panic at the way Sean shifted even closer.
“Yes, skip it. I want to ask you something. Do you like children?”
Charlie did drop the book then. Her head turned at a nearly impossible angle to look at the man beside her. What in the world had gotten into him? Charlie wasn’t really sure she wanted to know.
“I think maybe I’d like a bath tonight.” Charlie’s voice was breathless as she moved to get up, but Sean leaned so close that his nose was brushing her temple. She froze in her place.
“You don’t need a bath. You smell wonderful.”
Charlie could only gawk at her spouse.
“What happened, Charlotte?” Sean entreated softly, his face close to hers. “What happened after the last time we sat on this couch together and acted like husband and wife?”
Charlie knew exactly the evening to which he referred. It was the night Sean had been about to kiss her, and they had been interrupted by his father. She answered without looking at him.
“I’m not sure what happened, Sean, but I know your father’s interrupting us was for the best.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because it’s true. You don’t belong with a girl like me. You belong with someone beautiful and feminine like your sisters. I can only guess at how much you miss them. I was a fool to think you’d ever really be mine.”
Sean’s hand gently grasped her face and turned her gaze back to his.
“Charlotte, you’re my wife!” Sean’s voice was urgent. “It’s true that I miss my family, and it was hard to see my father leave, but this is where I belong, here with you.”
“But you wish you could be elsewhere.”
“Not without you,” he told her simply. “Whenever I think about visiting my family, or even going to see my father in Hawaii, you’re with me. The idea of leaving you behind or leaving you at all is inconceivable to me.”
Charlie searched his face and learned in an instant that she had been blind to Sean’s true feelings about her.
“Charlotte, will you please ask me the question that yo
u wanted to ask me days ago?”
Charlie didn’t know how he knew about that, but neither did she care. “Sean, how do you feel about sharing my room?”
Sean’s smile was so tender that Charlie’s breath left her in a rush. They leaned toward each other at the same time, and Sean suddenly understood the silly look Kate always had on her face after Rigg kissed her—he would have sworn he was floating.
He also knew that he could now tell Charlie he loved her, but he knew he had time—all the time in the world.
thirty-three
It took Sadie exactly five seconds to notice the new intimacy between Sean and Charlie. If there had been any doubt in her mind, and there wasn’t, it would have been resolved when Charlie stayed in the kitchen to talk with Sean during his bath. Naturally Sadie approved wholeheartedly, and would have approved all the more had she known the whole story.
Rarely had two people been so lovingly compatible. Evening lessons with the primer were now spent in the bed they shared as husband and wife, and Sean was always ready with a kiss for a job well done.
Sean learned in no time at all that Charlie loved to have her back scratched. In fact, she was downright greedy about it! Her request for him to scratch a certain spot on her back for a minute always turned into a half-hour. She was disappointed when he stopped, even when he told her his arm was ready to fall off.
Their favorite times were Sunday mornings, because they were able to sleep in. Since the livery was closed, the only chores were feeding the stock and checking the forge. They were usually able to cuddle and talk in bed for more than an hour before they needed to get ready for church. It was during this time that they had their most important discussions.
“Sean, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“The night you moved into my room, you asked me if I liked children. Why?” Sean’s shoulder vibrated under Charlie’s cheek and jaw. “What’s so funny?”
“Me,” Sean answered her, his voice still full of laughter. “I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to bring the conversation around to intimate things, so I thought if we talked about babies, you’d understand that I wanted a marriage in every way and that I was going nowhere.”
“Oh,” Charlie replied thoughtfully. Sean shifted so he could see her face.
“By the way, you never answered me. Do you like children?”
“I think so. I haven’t been around them much.”
“What was your own childhood like?” It was a question Sean had wanted to ask for a long time, and he prayed even now as he waited to see if his timing had been right.
“Not much fun,” Charlie admitted softly. “I could never do anything right.”
“You mean in your grandfather’s eyes?”
Charlie sighed. “He was not an easy man.”
“Tell me about him,” Sean entreated, attempting with his voice and eyes to tell her just how much he wanted to know.
“Sadie told me he’d always been the same,” Charlie began. “Even when she was a little girl she remembers him being overbearing and cruel. Sadie thinks his own father must have treated him that way; it was the only way he ever knew. She also thinks it would have been better if either she or my mother had been a boy.”
“You didn’t know your mother, did you?”
“Not personally, no, but Sadie has been telling me about her forever. She was a lot like Sadie I think—warm, caring, and nurturing.”
“Were you ever able to talk to your grandfather?”
“He wasn’t the talking type. Once, when I had a crush on a boy, I tried to tell him about it, but Grandpa got so mad I lit out for Sadie’s and stayed away for the better part of the day. He had cooled down by the time I got home, but I never tried again. When I got a little older, and I knew he was about to hit me, I would threaten to run off like my mother had. That would calm him down for a while, but there was no reasoning with him.”
“How is it that your mother ended up back here to have you?”
“Sadie said my father was a married man who lived in another town. When my mother ran off and took up with him, I don’t think she was worried about getting pregnant, just about staying away from my grandfather for the rest of her life. It’s funny, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“That the man she was most afraid of was the man she came back to when she found herself alone, hungry, and scared because she was eight months pregnant and not married. If only Grandpa could have been a little more understanding.”
“What did he do?”
“He hit her. Knocked her to the floor. Her water gave way just about then, and I was born 15 hours later. Sadie thinks my mother gave up after that. I didn’t cry right away, and she was certain I was dead. Sadie tried to tell her otherwise, but she wouldn’t listen. She just lay there, fell asleep, and never woke up.”
“Who took care of you?”
“Sadie found a wet nurse. I was pretty scrawny, but I must have something of Grandpa in me, because I survived.”
“Where was your grandmother during all of this?”
“She died when Sadie and my mother were just girls.”
They were both quiet for a few moments, and then Sean asked one final question. “Do you have any good memories of your grandfather?”
“Not many. When I was 12, I remember being thankful that he only hit me. A friend told me that her dad would touch her the way a husband touches a wife.”
Sean pulled her very close then and held her securely against his chest. She’s known such awful things, Lord. It’s a miracle she’s as wonderful as she is. Sean desperately wanted to tell her that as hard as this life was, it was only temporary and if she chose, she could someday live forever with God, but now did not seem the time to talk of eternal things.
As Charlie cuddled into his side, Sean prayed silently. Please, Lord, open the door in Your time and use me if it’s Your will.
Sadie had made Charlie a second dress for church, and she wore it that very morning. It was a pale yellow print that brought out the gold color in her hazel eyes. Sean whistled when he saw her in it, and even with their newly discovered love Charlie was so flustered her face turned three shades of red.
They were again having dinner with Duncan and Lora, and this time Charlie was taking a basket of muffins she had baked the day before. Just as they left the house, Charlie stopped Sean with a question. She had copied a word onto a small scrap of paper and, holding it out to him, asked how to pronounce it and what it meant.
“Remission,” Sean told her. “Where did you read this?”
Charlie looked uncomfortable. “In your Bible.”
“Oh,” Sean said simply, as though it didn’t matter in the least. “Well, if it’s from the verse I’m thinking of, about the shedding of blood, it means forgiveness.”
He led the way to the buggy then, his heart pounding in his chest. He kissed Charlie softly as he helped her into the seat, and prayed once again that God would use him to show Charlie that God was the true Forgiver.
“John, the son of Zacharias and Elizabeth, is often referred to as the forerunner of Christ.” Pastor Miller had begun his sermon. “We’re still studying the life of Jesus Christ, but right now I’d like you to get to know John a little better. We read about John in the books of Matthew and Mark as a man whose ‘raiment is made of camel’s hair and whose diet is honey and locusts.’
“I think it’s important that the Scriptures tell us what John eats and how he dresses so we get a picture of the overall man. They help us to see that John is a man of consistency. But consistent about what? Let’s check Mark 1:7. Let me read it to you. ‘There cometh one mightier than I after me, the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to stoop down and unloose.’
“There isn’t a one of us that hasn’t heard the phrase, ‘He’s not good enough to tie my shoes.’ This is what John is saying about himself in regard to Jesus Christ. Mark records here that John said he was not worthy even to untie Jesus
’ shoes.
“What I’m trying to point out to you is that John was a man of great humility and singleness of purpose. He could have sought a life filled with riches, but we see in his food and clothing that he didn’t. His purpose was to prepare the way for the Savior, to tell others that the Christ was coming. John knew that nothing was more important than this task.
“John’s mission on this earth as the forerunner of Christ was a great one, but he knew he was not the Great One. John couldn’t save; he pointed the way toward the One who could. John baptized with water, but the One he pointed to would baptize with the Holy Spirit. For salvation we can look only to Christ, as John states in chapter 20, verse 31, ‘But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing, ye might have life through his name.’”
Charlie could not get Pastor Miller’s words out of her mind. He made it sound simple, but it was all so foreign to her. Salvation, the need to be saved, even words and phrases like “forerunner” and “life through His name,” were not in her vocabulary.
Charlie had tried to read Sean’s Bible in an attempt to please the husband who meant so much to her, but very little of it had made sense. She hoped that as her reading skills improved, more would become clear. Charlie wouldn’t have hesitated to ask Sean what something meant in the newspaper, but his Bible was different.
She was afraid to let him know just how limited her knowledge of the Bible was. He said he wasn’t going to leave her, but in many ways Sean was just too good to be true, and Charlie was still just a little afraid she would wake up someday and find him gone.
thirty-four
Two weeks later Charlie awoke to discover she was alone in bed. She lay still and tried to calm her frantic heart. She and Sean always got up together. Even when one was awake first, the other lay quietly and waited for the other to waken.
Charlie’s mind was racing. It wasn’t Sunday, so she knew Sean was not feeding the stock, and the stillness of the house told her he was not fixing breakfast.