Develop a signature something. What is your signature drink? Do you have a unique watch or pair of eyeglasses
you always wear? Signature things also help jump-start conversation. I'm a dual citizen of the United States
and Great Britain. Disclosing that I'm also a British citizen has sparked at least a hundred engaging and jolly
good conversations over the years! Take advantage of your uniqueness.
17.
BOSSES
FOLLOW THE
FOOFAAE
FRAMEWORK
Learn the FOOFAAE framework to improve your ability to start and maintain conversations.
Like tennis matches, conversations usually go back and forth for a while, pause from time to time, and need to
be restarted to keep going. So far, we've focused on kick-starting the initial conversation with feeler
statements. But how do you keep initiating topics and conversations after the initial kick-off?
Say hello to my little friend: FOOFAAE.
The FOOFAAE framework was created with the intention of providing you something slightly more specific
and useful than The Big Three. FOOFAAE is more complex but worth studying. When analyzing bosses, I
discovered that they typically generate comments from one of the following seven categories, in the form of a
statement or question: Feelings, Observations, Opinions, Facts, Actions, Autobiography, or Events.
How should you use the framework? Your brain has millions of thoughts and memories to scan through
every time it needs to generate a comment— you need to give it direction. Sometimes, the smarter you are, the
harder conversation becomes because there's too much information in your noggin to digest and process for
every conversation.
Bosses routinely cycle through the FOOFAAE options during social interactions. It's habitual and second
nature to them. You need to reach that same point. Those who aren't good at making small talk tend to rely too
heavily on a mere few of the FOOFAAE categories, and therefore limit their full range of options.
Without further ado, let's look at FOOFAAE in action. In the following example, you meet a friend's dog for
the first time. FOOFAAE provides your brain with a framework for an assortment of comment possibilities to
cycle through.
FOOFAAE Framework
FEELING: I absolutely love your dog.
OBSERVATION: You have such a well-behaved dog.
OPINION: I think Pugs are the best kind of small dog breed.
FACT: I was reading that Pugs are usually. .
ACTION: I want to adopt a dog like that.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY: My brother has a Pug too. .
EVENT: Did you hear Frank just adopted a dog last month?
I typically don't advocate memorizing too many things, but FOOFAAE is a framework you absolutely should
memorize. I suggest studying each type of comment. Practice them until you know them like the back of your
hand. None of the individual FOOFAAE categories should be foreign to you. Feeling comments are simply
anything to do with your preferences, reactions, expectations, hopes, desires, etc. Observations are typically
more objective statements than Opinions. Facts are information or knowledge that has more or less been
proven. Actions are any comments that involve doing something (including a potential or past action).
Autobiographical statements share personal details, stories, etc. Events are things that happen—whether past,
present or future (and, yes, Events may sometimes overlap with Autobiographical statements).
Try to be mindful of which statement categories you lean too heavily on and which you tend to neglect. Do
you love providing Facts but avoid offering Feelings? Maybe you focus too much on Events and not enough on
Opinions? Bosses balance their conversations with statements from each of the FOOFAAE categories. And bosses
also string together a bunch at a time.
FOOFAAE should be one of your main tools for driving a conversation forward. However, not all
conversation drivers are created equal. Some encourage a variety of responses and give your partner flexibility
in how to respond. Sticking to the facts with statements or questions like "How old is your dog?" is likely to
limit the other person's flexibility when responding. Disclosing something about yourself and asking a related
question, like, "I'm thinking of getting a dog; is your dog good with kids?" opens up the conversation to a host
of possibilities. It also provides the other person plenty of room to guide the conversation in a number of
directions. We'll cover this more in-depth later.
The secret to achieving the conversational sweet spot is offering more specific and substantive FOOFAAE
comments, each tailored to the other person or situation. Don't feel bad if you can't immediately reach a
conversational sweet spot with someone unfamiliar to you—without enough knowledge about someone, it's
difficult to offer anything too detailed or tailored. Sometimes it simply takes more time and more investigative
work before you reach a good flow.
Side note: I realize there's overlap between feelers and FOOFAAE comments. It's impossible to differentiate the two
completely. Ditto with Observations and Opinions. Observations are typically more objective than Opinions, but not always.
I only make distinctions among them for purposes of instruction.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Memorize the FOOFAAE guide. Without looking, can you name each category? Which category do you lean too
heavily on? Are there any you neglect? Going forward, aim for more balance.
18.
FOOFAAE: A
CASE STUDY
Check out FOOFAAE in action!
Let's take a little break from the usual boss sections to study a longer example of FOOFAAE (Feelings,
Observations, Opinions, Facts, Actions, Autobiography, and Events). One time, I ran into a friend at the local ice
cream shop. My two young sons, Kaerigan and Rowan, were with me at the time, so it was natural to pivot the
conversation around them. Because he was a good friend, and also a good conversationalist, we were both
quick to introduce new topics as soon as one started to fade— this kept the conversation very lively and
engaging. Remember, Level 3 small talk often bounces around different topics in a non-linear fashion.
I've taken the liberty of breaking down each topic into small abridged vignettes.
Example 1
Event
We're here to celebrate the end ofkindergarten today.
Opinion and Action
Oh wow! That's a big deal. Congratulations Kaerigan. You'll be going to school with the big kids soon, huh?
Example 2
Observation and Opinion
I like your jacket—it makes you look pretty suave.
Autobiography and Feeling
Thanks. Yeah, I figured it was time to shop somewhere other than Salvation Army for my clothes. I figured I can afford
it now.
Example 3
Event
I heard you finally sold your house, right?
Autobiography, Fact, and Feeling
Yep, two weeks ago. We actually got $2,000 more than we asked for. I'm so relieved!
Example 4
Event and Feeling
We're actually on our way to Traverse City later tonight. I figured it would be fun to get away for a few days.
Autobiography and Fact
I haven't been. .but I heard the wine tasting is awesome there.
Example 5
Action and Opinion
Oh, I want what you're having Kaerigan. That looks del
icious.
Fact, Opinion, and Action
It's peppermint fudge brownie. He's kind of addicted to that flavor. But I can't blame him! I want it too!
Note that the conversation was driven forward by a variety of FOOFAAE comments, many of them combined
to create lengthier statements:
Because there was a preexisting comfort level between us, we could take chances with riskier or more
personal comments. We also knew relatable information about each other already. We could tailor our
observations and opinions to topics the other would be interested in discussing, and we could reference events
or experiences that we wouldn't just disclose to a casual acquaintance.
MASTERING THE FOOFAAE FRAMEWORK
19.
BOSSES ARE
COMFORTABLE
WITH FEELINGS
The first F in FOOFAAE stands for Feelings; start expressing feelings and preferences more often if you want to maintain
small talk
Why are women traditionally better than men at small talk? Because women are generally more comfortable
and more willing to express their feelings towards everything.
Expressing feelings and preferences are the easiest statements for your brain to muster because they don't
require extensive knowledge about anything! Take advantage of their simplicity; they are perfect for when you
need to offer a comment quickly or just to buy yourself some time to think of something better to say. And I'm
not talking about the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy feelings. Most of the examples I include below are great
for jump-starting conversations or keeping them going. They may not always offer much substance or flavor—
but that's okay.
Let's have some fun and look at a sample conversation consisting of only feeling and preference phrases.
Andy is meeting Jen's parents for the first time. Andy and Jen happen to love talking about feelings. In fact,
they'd fit right in on the popular reality show The Bachelorette. Notice how they maintain a conversation with
little more than feeling and preference statements:
Andy: I'm excited I could finally make it here.
Jen: I'm so glad you could come.
Andy: I'm looking forward to _____ .
Jen: Yeah, I love this place.
Andy: I really like the _____ . I'm really comfortable here—this is my kind of place.
Jen: That makes me feel good then—I'm glad I chose it.
Andy: I'm excited, I think it's gonna be fun.
Jen: I know, I can't wait.
Andy: I like coming to new places like this.
Jen: So, are you nervous about meeting my parents?
Andy: Yes. .and no. .I'm excited and nervous, but in a good way.
Jen: I know how you feel—I was so nervous to meet your family.
Andy: It will be good though. I feel good about it.
Jen: I'm glad you feel that way. That makes me feel better.
That was a simple conversation; however, there are some very important elements within it. The phrases
may not be very substantive, but they are necessary building-blocks for pushing the conversation along.
Feelings are easy to add and pretty low-risk. They let others know where you stand. They help you form
meaningful connections on the emotional level.
Expressing your feelings, desires, preferences, hopes, and expectations go a long way towards revealing
your personality. Check out a variety of examples below and note that you could probably use these in a
thousand different contexts. (Some may appear boring in print—but remember half the battle is about how you
say them, not the actual words themselves.)
I wasn't expecting to see _____ !
I hope they don't come over here.
I was worried we wouldn t _____ .
I didn't realize they had _____ ! That's hilarious.
I love that they gave us free _____ for just showing up.
This is my favorite part, especially when they _____ .
I won't touch that. I don't like _____ (slimy/miniature/spicy) things.
I have a weakness for _____ sales! It's probably my favorite place to shop.
I'm strangely enjoying this. Even though I probably shouldn't be.
I don't think anyone loves comfort______
(food/fish/chocolate) more than me/you.
Notice that some of the examples highlight what you didn't know or didn't expect. Read the following
example:
You: Did you like the show?
Gill: I did.
You: Great. I did too.
The conversation might end there. But if you or Gill simply added your feelings about something, it could
be rejuvenated. Let's try again:
You: Did you like the show?
Gill: I did.
You: Great, I did too. I was hoping you would. I was worried you wouldn't like the dancing parts.
Gill: Oh yeah, the dancers were the best part—especially that guy that kept tripping over the frog statue!
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Read all the dialogue from this section out loud. Fill in the blanks with your own content. Then read it again. If
you're not good at expressing feelings, read it 5 to 20 more times. Getyour mind more accustomed to
expressing these types of statements.
20.
BOSSES ARE
SUPER
OBSERVANT
The first Ο in FOOFAAE stands fior Observations, which provide the building bloch fior small talk
Have you ever witnessed relatives meeting a newborn baby for the first time? A rapid-fire succession of
observations occurs every time:
Oh, he's so sweet!
Look at his chubby little cheeks!
He's got such pudgy arms.
He's got Daddy's big brown eyes.
Look at that dark hair—she is definitely Jenny's baby.
You've been commenting on your surroundings since you could say your first words. Observations about
everything in your environment, yourself and other people, are basic building blocks of any conversation—
that's why I refer to them as The Big Three. Observations also serve as a method for testing the waters to see if
someone is interested in talking about something new. Some sample observation examples:
It's so hot in here.
It looks like Pat's already here.
I never realized they kept a Bible over there.
Did you guys see Pat on the news this morning?
Although observations are great for initiating topics and keeping conversations flowing, they sometimes
lack the ability to keep a conversation interesting. Observations are often very objective, whereas opinions take
on more subjectivity and flavor. Seeing a naked statue in a garden, you state "That's a naked statue," which is
of course just stating a fact. When you introduce more subjectivity, you start creating more interesting
conversation—this is probably obvious to many, but still worth mentioning. Stating "That's a very R-rated
statue," is slightly subjective—some may argue that it's more PG-13 or X-rated. Pushing the observation even
further into a subjective opinion might be a comment such as, "That's a very R-rated statue—someone needs to
get him some pants!" Or, "Why are they keeping X-rated statues in a public park? That's not cool." While there
is certainly overlap between the terms observation and opinion, for the most part, observations are more
objective, and opinions are more subjective.
I have worked in many customer service roles, and I quickly learned that if I was dealing with an angry
customer, and I didn't want an emotional reaction, I
needed to talk more like a computer—in neutral, objective
statements. A good rule of thumb for improving small talk is to add more subjectivity and reduce objectivity.
Next, we'll look at how to convert observations into opinions that are more interesting.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Wherever you are right now, observe 20 things about your environment. Then observe 10 things about
yourself.
21.
BOSSES ARE
OPINIONATED
The second 0 in FOOFAAE stands for Opinions, which add the flavor to the small talk soup.
Think of conversations as serving soup. Sadly, people who aren't good at conversation often possess a "just
enough" mentality—they serve their conversation partners just enough nourishment to survive, no matter how
bland. They fail to realize that eating is just as much about the enjoyment of the experience as it is about
nourishment.
Are you merely serving soup to keep someone nourished? Or are you serving soup that tastes good—that
not only nourishes but provides a pleasant experience? By stating something literal and serious like, "I'm
hungry," or "When do you want to go to the store?" you're merely keeping the conversation alive. You might
as well serve them a bowl of Ramen noodles without the chicken-flavor seasoning. Conversation is more than
just a means to achieve an objective. If you want people to enjoy the soup, you'll have to add some ingredients
that make soup (and conversation) interesting.
You're watching a reality show and one of your friends makes an observation: "She's wearing a lot of
mascara." Could you add some flavor to that observation and convert it into a more interesting opinion? Start
by making your observation more subjective and less objective, then add some exaggeration, some feeling, and
colorful language.
She needs to take a break from the mascara!
She may want to take some makeup lessons from someone other than an eight-year-old.
That's a ton of makeup. .I wonder if she even owns a mirror. She needs to lay off the clown makeup.
The statement, "She's wearing a lot of mascara," can come off as strong or mild, playful or derogatory,
depending on how you say it.
Opinions typically offer something more mentally substantive for the other person to chew on; an opinion
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 6