(The French have an expression for such an experience—"l'espirit de l'escalier.") Only practice will improve
your ability to retrieve.
Make it a habit to actively reference your timeline more often in your conversations. Set a reminder on
your phone for two weeks from now. When you see the reminder appear in two weeks, try the same exercise
again—verbalize five events from the past week, five events in the present day, and five events in the future.
KEEPING A CONVERSATION FLOWING
33.
BOSSES STEER
WITH CONTROL
COMMENTS
Being able to control the flow and content of a conversation is key to being able to maintain it
People who aren't good at conversation rarely take advantage of control comments. As you may have guessed,
control comments are filler-type comments that help you control the conversation. On the surface, they may
not seem important enough to give much attention to. But I assure you they are worth incorporating into your
everyday habits. They not only help you gain control of a conversation, but they help you take up space and time
— both crucial to maintaining a fluid conversation. Let's examine some major control comments below:
The Setup
There's a very useful type of statement that often goes unheralded and unnoticed: I call it a setup. If you
ever heard the following statements in conversation, you may not have even noticed them:
I would like to talk for a minute about _____ .
I'll tell you what, this is what I'm going to do. .
Here's somethingyoull appreciate. .
Youll never believe what happened. .
Setups have the very undistinguished job of setting up other, more important points. However, setups
provide numerous benefits. They buy you a few extra seconds to formulate your thoughts. They also help
project strength and confidence in the business world. Additionally, they can add clarity and structure to your
statements, making them more persuasive and powerful. Check out the following:
We need to do three things. First. .
Here are my thoughts about it. .
I'm in an uncomfortable position, because. .
I may come off as a jerk for saying this, but. .
So, I have good and bad news.
I appreciate your honesty, and I think that. .
On the contrary, some setups serve to soften a message. For example, "This is just my opinion, but..." Using
setups may avoid coming across as brash or harsh.
In this day and age, people are distracted easily, and in everyday conversation, you won't always have
everyone's full attention. Setups are exceptional at attracting attention to your main message.
It was so funny, yesterday I_____.
That reminds me of this great deal.
I saw the weirdest show yesterday. .
Do you ever have trouble breaking into a fast-paced, lively group banter? When a fortress appears
impenetrable, medieval soldiers would turn to the strength of a battering ram. Some setups mimic verbal
battering rams and help you force your way into a conversation.
You know what! I think we should do _____ .
Hold on a second! Did you hear about _____ ?
That reminds me! I didn't even. .
Speaking of dogs! I was______.
Not only can setups project confidence and help you control a conversation, but they can help add some
playfulness to your statements as well. A guy could say, "I love a good manicure." But if he sets up his
comment, it's funnier: "I'm not afraid to say it—I love a good manicure." Or, "I don't usually admit this, but I love a good manicure."
Examine the following statements WITHOUT and WITH setups:
WITHOUT A SETUP: I think the entire company should purchase new tablets.
WITH A SETUP: I may come off as a big nerd for saying this, but I think the entire company should purchase new
tablets.
WITHOUT A SETUP: I actually don't like the Dave Matthews Band.
WITH A SETUP: Promise you won't break up with me if I tell you this, but I actually don't like the Dave Mathews Band.
The Side Note
Rather than feeling rushed to give your next point, side notes provide that extra second you may need to
think through what you want to say fully. For your brain, a single second is a lot of time to think through
possible comments. In addition, they often add a dynamic playfulness to your statements that can turn a dry
conversation into something more interesting.
A friend tells you about what they did last year, "I went to the Renaissance Festival in September—I know,
I'm a dork, aren't I? Anyway, I tried to____." Notice the italicized part. That wasn't a crucial part of the story, but
it was perhaps the most interesting and playful part. Let's look at some more. Notice that the side comments
are italicized.
A work associate tells you, "I can do____. Well, at least I think I still can. Anyway."
"These were designed in the 70s, and I actually bought the second model when it came out. I'm really dating
myself now, aren't I? So, it should..."
Let's look at some side notes without any context:
. .and I know what you're thinking, but. .
. .you may think I'm crazy for saying that, but. .
. .I just lost my train of thought, where was I?
. .and here's why I don't think we should. .
. .and I don't usually say things like this, but. .
. .and I wish that was the only issue. .
. .my wife might not agree, but.
The Afterthought
Afterthoughts excel at not only wrapping up your point but connecting back to someone else or some other
topic. An afterthought may take many forms, but in general, it is a remark about what was just said or done,
often in the form of a conclusion, summary, or hypothetical statement. Afterthoughts can offer a simple recap,
"Well, that was embarrassing," or a connection to something else, "Is that what you were thinking too?" or,
"Doesn't that remind you of ____?" Notice the comments below aren't too engaging until the afterthought is
added.
COMMENT: I just a bought a tuna sandwich from a gas station.
AFTERTHOUGHT: I know, I like to live dangerously.
COMMENT: I wasted my entire game playing video games. AFTERTHOUGHT: And it was awesome—I have no regrets!
COMMENT: I found the coolest thing—scented candles that smell like bacon and pancakes.
AFTERTHOUGHT: It's the perfect invention—we should just stop trying to invent anything else.
Afterthoughts add a final thought or feeling to a decision you made, sometimes in the form of a realization.
Inserting a little sarcasm or understatement works well as an afterthought, too. For example, "So yeah, hitting
a hornets' nest during a soccer game probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had..." Check out a few examples of
the most common types below:
CONCLUSION: It was probably the lamest date ever.
CONCLUSION: I'll never be doing that again.
CONCLUSION: So, stay away from XYZ, is the moral of the story.
SUMMARY: So basically, I'm a jerk.is what it comes down to.
REALIZATION: I have no idea how I ate the entire thing, but now I'm paying for it.
REALIZATION: I probably shouldn't call people at 3 AM anymore.
REALIZATION: I was probably a little too greedy!
HYPOTHETICAL CONCLUSION: He's probably never talking to me again.
HYPOTHETICAL CONCLUSION: If she ever sees it I'm screwed!
USE IT OR LOSE
IT
Start adding more control comments to your verbal arsenal. Your challenge for this chapter is to use each type
of control comment in your next few conversations. Notice how they also buy you time and help you add
another layer of depth to your conversation contribution.
34.
BOSSES KEEP
THE FLOW WITH
SMALL TALK
FILLERS
Fillers are critical to maintaining fluid conversations.
By now, you might be saying, "FOOFAAE is great and all, but I can't think about each option quickly enough to
keep a conversation flowing smoothly." And you'd not be alone. Many people prefer to digest mentally what
they've heard before offering a comment. Unfortunately, too much time spent deliberating results in a stilted
or disjointed conversation. But, alas, I have good news. First, practicing the FOOFAAE options will naturally
speed up your ability to use them. Second, the small-talk fillers may be the answer to your prayers.
You're chatting with someone, and they just made an interesting point, but you can't think of anything to
say. What do you do? Bosses may appear to think at exceptional speeds and always have responses ready, but
here's their secret: they often buy time with fillers while they formulate their thoughts. Even a few seconds
gained is a lot of time for the human brain to process information. Sometimes it's the difference between
saying something that's bland and saying something that's interesting.
Gaps and pauses in conversation are inevitable; make small talk easier and more fluid by incorporating
more smalltalk fillers into your daily conversational toolkit. That's right, contrary to many communication
experts, I'm encouraging filler comments. Fillers are a natural part of authentic conversation and deserve more
credit. Too many experts focus on correct formal communication—that's not what we're concerned with here.
Fillers are easy to learn, and no one notices or remembers them; what people do notice is when a conversation
is flowing!
I was at a bar one time where I overheard a guy (let's call him Slick Rick) buying himself time with every single
response. The woman he was chatting with said comments like, "I wish someone would buy me a drink," which
Slick Rick rephrased as, "Oh you want someone to buy you a drink, huh?" Later during the conversation, the
woman said, "I work in accounting." Slick Rick responded, "Oh, you work in accounting? How do you like
that?" See what I mean? There's a reason he's called Slick Rick!
Let's examine a few useful small-talk fillers:
Initial Reaction
That's awesome! I can't believe that.
Are you kidding me?
That sounds like a lot of fun.
I could never do that.
Oh my gosh, that is so creepy.
Rephrase, Paraphrase, or Summarize
I can't believe how quickly you bought your house.
Sounds like you're close to stopping their service.
So basically, it doesn't sound very good.
Rephrase, Paraphrase, or Summarize as a Question
You work in accounting, huh?
You bought the house already?
He's really going through with it, huh?
Similarity or Difference
I did the same thing last week!
I think we should too.
My son talks the same way—that is so funny.
I'm not sure I would do that.
Each type of small talk filler plays nicely with the other types. Feel free to join different types together to
buy even more time. The following three could all be strung together to buy still more time.
REACTION: Really? That's so cool.
REPHRASE AS QUESTION: You really petted a rhino on the butt?
SIMILARITY OR DIFFERENCE: I'm not sure I could do that.
Let's get even more generic and shallow, shall we? Platitudes and generic stock phrases serve to fill the
gaps when more substantive responses are out of reach. Even the simplest comments have a place in small talk
—don't overlook them. Some phrases have universal appeal; they are plug-and-play with any type of
conversation.
One time I was going upstairs with a few people on my way to the office. A man and woman had a perfectly
normal exchange. But when I listened carefully, the man actually employed a lot of small talk fillers
throughout the conversation.
Woman: You go frst.J'm sure you'll go faster than me.
Man: Oh, I wouldn't bet on that.
Woman: I didn't think it would be this heavy.
Man: I'll give you credit there, that's a lot to carry up the stairs.
Woman: This will be my workout for the day.
Man: You can say that again.
Woman: With this many stairs, you could count it as two workouts!
Man: That's for sure!
Notice the man didn't actually contribute much, yet the conversation still flowed. Small talk fillers rarely
get noticed, but they serve an important function as gap-fillers between more substantive statements. If your
small talk seems to stall a lot, you may be underutilizing fillers.
Speaking of using small talk fillers—baseball announcers are the kings of small talk fillers. Why? Because an
announcer's job is to fill-up dead air time for three hours whenever nothing is happening in a game—which, if
you watch baseball, is quite often! Rephrasing themselves two or three times is very common. Notice all the
rephrasing and small talk fillers in the following real example:
Wow, look at that hit. .it doesn't get much better than that. .I haven't seen a hit like that in a long time. .he looks like a
young John Smith out there. .that's why they call him a true pro. .boy, I tell ya, if he can keep doing that. .he's going to
be something special. .I just can't say it enough. That's a special kid.
Rephrasing your own comment in a different way is a smart strategy for buying a little more time.
Additionally, some rephrases end up producing more interesting comments—you may surprise yourself!
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Next time you're chatting with a good conversationalist, try to notice how many small talk fillers they use to
buy time and keep the small talk flowing.
35.
BOSSES
CONTROL WITH
QUESTIONS
Make sure you master the popular question types.
One time I was at an event and a friend came over to initiate a conversation. He asked, "Hey, what have you
been up to?" One of the tried and true ways to initiate a conversation. However, not ready to answer, I
responded with a generic filler comment, "You know, this and that." Disappointed in my response, and having
nothing else to say, he responded with his own generic filler comment, "Oh yeah, I hear you."
Clearly, I was caught off guard and didn't know how to answer more substantively. He asked a great first
question, yet the conversation hadn't truly started yet, had it? He hadn't actually posed a topic to discuss—he
just left it completely open-ended, hoping that I'd figure out something to actually talk about.
As you might imagine, I wasn't going to sit there and let a conversation die before it got started. I quickly
thought of a relevant and interesting question to ask about his daughter. I remembered that she had started
archery lessons, and I simply wanted to know how that was coming along. That question kicked-off a great
conversation.
Questions function differently in every situation, for every person. Some initiate verbal di
alogue but don't
actually start a conversation. Some expand and some contract a conversation. Some frustrate. Some inspire.
Some stop a conversation dead in its tracks. Try to master many question types, but don't feel too frustrated if
they don't always go as planned. Look at some of the ways language experts classify questions:
Open vs. Closed Questions
Most questions are either closed- or open-ended. Closed-ended questions look for specific answers and
sometimes hobble a conversation (for example, "What time is it?").
Open-ended questions tend to stimulate a conversation and encourage a speaker to expand on a topic. Good
open-ended questions aren't tricky or difficult. For example, "How do you feel about the new project?" Open-
ended questions are much better at maintaining small talk. Good open-ended questions are often evocative and
elicit feelings, or provocative and ignite thoughtful discussion. Here's a great first date question for you: "What
would your perfect Sunday be like?"
Before you develop an unhealthy bias against closed-ended questions, let me be clear: closed-ended
questions are very useful. The goal of a great conversationalist is to keep a conversation easy, smooth and
effortless. The last thing you want to do is cause mental frustration or force someone to think more than they'd
like to (especially during a budding conversation). Closed questions tend to be easier to answer and therefore
help keep a conversation effortless. Like all things, try to strike a balance with your question types.
When appropriate, come up with your own answers to the questions you pose. Don't ask "What's your
favorite thing in the world?" (a great date question) without considering how you would answer it, because to
keep the conversation balanced, you should share your answer, too.
Six Interrogative Questions
Keep in your back pocket the six interrogative question types: Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How. It's
not wise to lean on these too heavily, but they should always be in your arsenal for quick reference. For
example:
Who else was there?
What happened afterward?
Where did it come from?
When did he finally show up?
Why did he do that?
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 10