in the conversation? They may utilize space filler techniques like question assistants to fill in conversation
gaps, buy you time to think, and otherwise help maintain a fluid conversation.
Your question assistant doesn't always have to immediately appear after your question. Bosses have
additional comments on stand-by to make sure a conversation keeps flowing. One time I noticed my new
neighbors digging giant holes in their yard. I assumed they were preparing to build a fence, but I wasn't 100%
sure. I wandered over and initiated with a simple question to open up dialogue, "Hey, are you guys building a
fence?" Or, since I could probably assume it was a fence, I could have left it open-ended and asked, "Hey, how's
the fence-building going?"
I could predict, in a general sense, how the conversation script was going to play out initially. My neighbors
were going to say something predictable to the extent of "Yeah, we're coming along slowly but surely," or
"Well, we're trying to anyway, it's taking a little longer than we thought." It's not like my neighbors were going
to start talking about something random like the pros and cons of medical marijuana. (Okay, my neighbor
might, but probably not your neighbor!) Before initiating, I was already thinking about possible follow-up
questions or comments in order to keep the flow. I could respond with "Great, let me know if you need a hand—
I'm pretty good with a hammer." Or, "I was thinking about building a fence too—did you use any outside help
to dig your posts?"
Remember the FOOFAAE (Feelings, Observations, Opinions, Facts, Action Statements, Autobiography, and
Events) options to help you follow up with a comment after your initial feeler question is sent out. For example,
you may try to break into a group discussion with a question like, "Are you guys talking about where to live in
Brighton?" And you may receive nothing more than a "Yeah." That's where a question assistant can help keep
the transition smooth and less awkward. You could follow up with the autobiography option, "That's cool, I've
been thinking about moving into the______area for a while now."
You can't avoid occasionally asking a question that traps your conversation partner in an uncomfortable
position. However, couching your question with another statement or question assistant can be an effective
way to give your conversation partner another way out in case they feel trapped or unsure about how to
answer the initial question.
Simply asking, "Have you owned any Fords before?" doesn't offer any clear options besides responding with
"Yes" or "No." However, adding "I'm thinking about buying a car," provides more context to what answer you
may be looking for. The other person could offer a related comment in case they can't speak to owning a Ford.
"I bought a____last month and I had a great experience with the XYZ dealer; you might want to try them."
Some question assistants simply provide your reason for asking. If someone mentions attending a local
college, you could ask, "Are the professors difficult there?" You could then fill the awkward space by slipping in
some self-disclosure and following up with your reason for asking: "I'm starting a new job and I don't feel like
working all weekend on homework!" Or, "Were you going to this conference too? I'm curious if it's any good."
Or, "Is that any good? I just thought I'd ask since I was thinking about buying it."
Your question assistant could provide your intentions. "Do you want to try the new Cajun restaurant?. . I'm
really hoping you say 'Yes!'"
After enough practice and application, this concept of mentally preparing backup comments and questions
will become second nature!
USE IT OR LOSE IT
This chapter is hard to practice because the key is to increase your sense of awareness of when your questions
cause a pause in the flow of the conversation. The next time you ask a question, try to think of a question
assistant that can help you continue the conversation in case the person has trouble answering your question
(or doesn't help continue the conversation).
39.
BOSSES PAINT
INTERESTING
SELF-PORTRAITS
Revealing tidbits about yourself is critical to maintaining small talk
Have you ever noticed how some people are easier to shop for than others? Why is that? What present would
someone think of buying you for your birthday? People with strong personalities who reveal a lot of
information about themselves are easy to shop for. Revealing tidbits of information about yourself over time is
how you paint a colorful picture of your character. Shy people, who keep their thoughts and personalities
hidden, are more difficult to shop for. That's why they end up receiving generic gifts like sweaters, candles, and
bath products every year for Christmas.
The first time someone meets you, they only see a blurry image of you. They don't know much about you.
Your goal is clarity— help them see you better. The more context someone has, the more they'll get out of every
piece of information you offer. The more someone knows about you, the more comfortable they become
speaking with you and the easier conversation becomes for them as well. Others can more confidently
reference or introduce certain topics because they can infer how you would feel about those topics.
Help put people at ease and get rid of your cloak of mystery and the invisible barriers that exist between
you and others. Conversation will flow more easily when your conversation partner knows more about you.
A girl I knew in college pulled me aside one evening and shared a very insightful concern. She asked why I
never really talked about myself. She was disappointed that she had hung out with me on numerous occasions
over the years in our mutual group of friends, yet hardly knew anything about me. And I wondered why I had
trouble connecting with people!
There have been studies indicating that the sheer act of disclosing something about yourself causes others
to like you more—even if they have little interest in what you're saying. Disclosing—to a degree that's
appropriate—can build and strengthen relationships. (Too much too soon and you could scare someone away!)
If you're not sharing, don't expect others to share either.
You may have some unique perspectives on world politics or Miley Cyrus. You may have a hilarious story
about the time you fell off a tractor or bombed an interview. Unfortunately, too many people make the mistake
of waiting for the perfect time to disclose information. Many people make the mistake of assuming that if the
others never ask, then they must not be interested. This assumption is a huge mistake. Unless you're on a date,
most people won't barrage you with questions about yourself. Don't wait.
One of my wife's friends visited for a few minutes and, while my wife was in the restroom, I needed to make
small talk. I didn't know the woman well, and I didn't want to launch into a getting-to-know-you session with
direct questions. I leaned on some good old-fashioned self-disclosure to fill up the time. Because my kids were
in the family room watching a show on Netflix, they were part of our mutual environment, and it was natural
to comment on them. "I think my kids are obsessed with Netflix." She said, "Yeah, mine are, too, they can't get
enough," and that got the ball rolling. She didn't have anything else to contribute yet, so I just continued
revealing more. "W
e love it. I still remember the time before Netflix, when we were stuck watching whatever
came on PBS at 6AM—usually it was cheesy infomercials!" She laughed and added her own autobiographical
information: "It's funny you mention that, because when I was a kid, I actually preferred the adult shows. I
never liked cartoons. I still remember watching General Hospital with my mom every week!"
It's not necessary to shine a giant spotlight on yourself in order to self-disclose. (I know many people who
aren't good at small talk and hate talking about themselves.) Learn to sneak in personal information. Bosses are
savvy at sneaking some personal information into the context of other phrases. In the sentences below, notice
the bold parts where the personal tidbit is snuck into the larger comment:
That's such a great sweater—I love turquoise—I don't see enough clothes with turquoise.
Really? I'm not a car guy, but that doesn't sound right to me.
I can't believe he didn't like the XYZ movie. I like pretty much anything by John Smith. Maybe he should watch it
again.
I didn't even notice it—and you know I'm picky about hair— if I didn't notice it, then I don't think anyone else did.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start paying more attention to how much you reveal about yourself when you chat with others. How much of
the conversation centers on you vs. how much centers on them? 60/40? 50/50? There's no right or wrong
amount, as long as you're disclosing at least some of the time.
Look at the aforementioned four example comments that sneak in self-disclosure. Read and repeat them out
loud at least five times each (but change the bold parts to reflect your own information). They'll help you form
the habit of sneaking in personal information within other comments.
40.
BOSSES
DISCLOSE
SMALL CHUNKS
Offer small pieces of information first, and then expand if your conversation partner shows any interest.
Not all comments are created equal. With enough practice, you should develop a small talk mindset, where
you're able to offer feelers and opinions without reservation. The next aspect of small talk to examine is the
structure of the comments you're expressing. Often, succinct statements are more interesting and pack more
punch than if you talk at length just to fill up space. Notice the two different self-descriptions below:
Bob: Anyone want something chocolate for dessert?
Long-winded Larry: I really don't like chocolate dessert that much. If it were up to me, I'd rather have some fruit,
especially anything in the melon category, because they just taste better and I usually just choose watermelon or
something. Or grapes are good, too. But melons are usually the best.
Succinct Sally: I'm not really into chocolate desserts—I'm more of a watermelon kind of girl.
Long-winded Larry isn't necessarily ineffective—but he probably could have left out a few details. Look at
some additional short disclosure statements:
I'm one of those people who loves a good horror flick.
I'm not a big fan of football.
Sometimes I just see things in black and white.
Add a little enthusiasm, and these statements are even more effective. As you learned with feeler statements,
they don't have to be complex to be effective. Having said that, only speaking in succinct statements isn't ideal
either. Like with most things, achieving a balance is key.
If you're ever fortunate enough to be asked to appear on television or radio, one piece of advice a producer will
surely offer you is to speak in "sound bites." A sound bite is just like it sounds: a quick thought that listeners
can metaphorically sink their teeth into. Politicians, corporate executives, and managers have been honing and
collecting sound bites for most of their careers. Sound bites allow people to quickly and persuasively convey a
thought.
One-Two Combos
Effective disclosure comments often contain two parts: the initial comment followed by a supporting
comment. These one-two combos are very effective and a favorite of bosses everywhere. A supporting
comment could include an example or explanation that supports the initial declaration or observation. Check
these goodies out:
I love seafood—especially a good salmon.
I like carpentry. I actually used to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.
Last time I was up there, I got this sandwich called the 'The Godfather—it was fantastic.
I'm not a big fan of football. I could probably think of 20 other things I'd rather do with my time.
I love this kind of weather—it's perfect for camping.
I only drank half my coffee—which you know is very uncharacteristic of me and my coffee habits.
I've read that book. I know, I'm a nerd like that.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
What kind of coffee drinker are you? Go ahead, take a few seconds to answer. Considering the number of times
you'll encounter coffee in your life, this is a great self-disclosure exercise. In exactly two statements, describe
what kind of coffee drinker you are. Essentially, tell me your tastes, and tell me why. Then continue reading
below after you've answered.
Look at some actual coffee revelations I've heard, and notice the succinct two-part structures:
I'm a purist—if there's color other than hlack I won't drink it.
I've got a sweet tooth, so I love all the sugary flavors—the more it resembles a milkshake, the better.
I'm a premium roast guy. I don't do the cheap stuff.
I like simple coffee—if it has more calories than my dinner, it's too much.
I'm kind of a Frappuccino addict. It's beenyears since I actually drank plain coffee.
I'll drink anything—I'm not picky.
41.
BOSSES PAINT
SELF-PORTRAITS
CONTAINING
FRIENDS
Your friends and family are key parts of your self-portrait; don't leave them out of the picture.
Your self-portrait includes anything personal to you— including your family, friends, pets, etc. Your ability to
contribute to a conversation immediately improves by 15.0821% (give or take a little) if you include
information about friends, family, and people you know. Take advantage of the interesting people in your life
and borrow from their experiences or thoughts on topics. For example:
That's so funny—one of my buddies used to do the same thing. Except he _____ .
My friend had a dog like that, and it would even _____ .
I've always done it that way, and for my entire life, my mom always told me to .
My husband would be shocked if he knew what I was doing right now, he'd probably be like ' _____ .'
Mentioning family and friends is especially helpful if you don't have any direct experiences to share, but
still wish to make a connection somehow. Someone asked me if I'm a runner, and I could have simply stopped
the topic in its tracks with, "No, I'm not." But instead, I brought in a friend to help me contribute, "I don't run
anymore, but my good friend John runs all the time. He actually just finished an ultra-marathon. I have no idea
how he has time for that!"
Examine the following conversation with and without a reference to a friend.
With A Friend Reference
Jack: Nice tattoo.
Jill: Thanks, do you have any?
Jack: No, I don't.
Jill: My friend got a sword on her arm. .she likes it because she's edgy now. She's always wanted to be edgy. B
ut she's so
not edgy—I don't care how many tattoos she gets!
Without A Friend Reference
Jack: Nice tattoo.
Jill: Thanks, do you have any?
Jack: No, I don't.
Jill: Oh, okay.
This technique, like many mentioned before, helps you maintain a conversation's flow. Let's check out
some more examples:
That sounds like my friend Steve—he always wears socks with sandals! He's such a dork. But he's a lovable dork.
My wife is always telling me to eat better, but how am I supposed to pass up a double-decker cheese sandwich? No way!
Joe would absolutely love that. He is obsessed with anything fish-related. I don't get it.
It's funny, my mom couldn't tell you one thing about my job. I tell her I got a raise and she's just like, "That's great
honey, keep up the good work" It's actually more sad than funny.
Be careful of "over-sharing" or "steam-rolling" during the early stages of small talk. Be careful of sharing
too much information too quickly with someone you just met. Having a successful conversation should trump
any desire to contribute more information. Sometimes you'll be engaged with someone who wants to do most
of the talking, and like a good partner, you should let them.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Tell me something interesting about each of your immediate family members. Now tell me something
interesting about your three closest friends. Again, do this out loud if you're able to.
42.
BOSSES OWN
THEIR FLAWS
You can't make others feel comfortable until you're comfortable with yourself
Bosses don't hide from the world because they're not perfect; they actually embrace their flaws.
"Once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you." ("Tyrion Lannister" in HBO's Game of Thrones)
Think about the person or people who make you feel comfortable. Likable and easy-going people are
usually comfortable in their own skin and have embraced their character flaws. They are okay being a little
vulnerable. Such people are the first to admit that they aren't perfect and are happy to laugh at their personal
quirks. They're quick to admit funny mistakes or episodes of forgetfulness. They use their flaws to their
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 12