The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  people are going to bite on and connect to. However, as you start noticing keywords, you'll discover trends and

  patterns among the people you socialize with. Throwing out keywords is kind of like going fishing. Half the

  battle is knowing your audience, but the same word could be interesting to one group and boring to another.

  For example, some people may have a lot to say about "scarlet fever," while for others, it may pass right over

  their heads.

  Experiment with words—you'll come across many more keywords. Saying something looks good isn't as fun

  or interesting as saying it looks Mediterranean. As soon as the word Mediterranean is introduced, it offers other

  connection possibilities. Colorful words are more likely to trigger a powerful emotional response—someone

  who's been to the Mediterranean may be able to talk for days about the experience.

  Try offering a statement about what you're not like, or what you don't like, what you don't need, what you

  don't care about, etc. It also buys you more time and is surprisingly good for adding keywords. Let's examine an

  exchange where you can't think of a good response:

  Friend: Before you come over, I've gotta clean up the place.

  You: Don't worry, that's fine.

  Now check it out after adding a comment about what you're not like or don't care about.

  You: Don't worry, that's fine. I'm not Martha Stewart—I couldn't care less if you left out a plate of macaroni or

  something.

  Now your friend has more options for connecting to your statement. Your friend could respond to the

  Martha Stewart keyword or the macaroni keyword.

  Friend: Good, because I think Martha Stewart would faint as soon as she walked in my apartment door!

  Or:

  Friend: Funny you mention that, because stale macaroni is my favorite delicacy.

  When it comes to offering something to chew on, the goal is the same: create conversations rich with

  options, hot topics, and keywords for all parties involved.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Just being more descriptive is a good way to start adding more keywords. Talking about someone who smelled

  odd, you might plainly state "He had a strange odor." How could you add a keyword in that statement? Don't

  peek at the answers below until you've tried to restate the comment.

  Answer:

  You could have elaborated on the kind of odor: "He had a strange, pumpkin pie-like odor," or, "He smelled

  vaguely like gasoline and grass clippings."

  50.

  BOSSES

  MAINTAIN SMALL

  TALK WITH

  CONNECTABLE COMMENTS

  Some comments are more connectable than others.

  Just like not all comments are created equal, not all FOOFAAE comments are created equal either. It's

  important to offer FOOFAAE comments that inherently elicit and evoke more substantive discussion if you

  want to contribute to maintaining a longer, more interesting conversation.

  Have you ever played golf? Golf clubs come in all shapes and sizes. Some are designed for hitting great

  distances, and some for precise short ranges. Woods are designed to propel the ball the farthest, up to about 350

  ft. Irons and wedges are for mid-range, and finally, putters are for specific and precise short distances.

  Comments that maintain conversation could be classified in a similar way. Many comments and questions

  will only hit the conversation ball a few feet, while some will drive the conversation great distances.

  If you only use putters, your conversations will start and stop quite a bit. Asking "What time is it?" or, "How

  old is your dog?" are closed-ended putter questions. Many feeler statements could be classified as putters—

  they are simply designed for starting or filling in conversation, not eliciting or evoking substantive

  conversation. If you rely on putters for your entire golf game, your conversation may feel forced or disjointed,

  and you may never achieve a conversational flow.

  If your comment elicits additional comments, connections, or otherwise keeps the conversation train

  chugging along, then it's called a connectable comment.

  The other day I overheard someone mentioning an issue they have with cooking:

  I have so many cookbooks, and I always say I'm going to make these amazing recipes, but I never do. I really should

  start trying to cook more!

  It was a great conversation driver. Why? Because it involved a popular and relatable topic: food. Additionally,

  it was framed with an intriguing angle: she has always wanted to____, but never does____. Her conversation

  partners could form a number of different connections because most adults can relate to the struggles with

  cooking. (If her angle was how talented of a chef she was, it may not have been as relatable or connectable!)

  There are many possible connections her friends could have made, including:

  I'm the same way! I'm so optimistic, but then who has time for all ofthat? I mean with.

  I was the same way, but I started making a cooking journal and setting a goal for myself of.

  See, I'm not even that ambitious, I just try to make something edible that won't poison my kids, and I'm happy.

  Did you notice that each of the response examples are also relatable, offer a new angle, and help move the

  conversation forward? The best conversations involve connectable comments from both parties. Can you think

  of something food-related right now to start a conversation with a friend?

  No matter what type of comment you're making, the angle is often the difference between boring and

  interesting. And I'm not talking about acute vs. obtuse either. The angle is the spin or twist you give a comment

  or topic. It's the secret sauce—the inherent intrigue or narrative built into the expression. Angles are the

  "hooks" that lure people in.

  The majority of conversations are based on exchanging information. Person A: "Did you eat lunch?" Person

  B: "Yes, I did." Many people lean heavily on factual, literal comments and too often forget the fun, figurative

  human stuff. As you share information, start looking for interesting narratives to pull out of it.

  Put on your journalist hat and start thinking of ways to convert your own factual information into more

  interesting comments. You don't need the creativity of an actual journalist to spin your information into

  something more interesting. Let's break down a simple, everyday example. First, the factual statement:

  I drank a soda today.

  The factual statement contained no narrative or intrigue. Framing the statement—even a little differently—

  dramatically improves it. Let's add an angle:

  I normally don't drink soda, but I am today.

  Now the listener is left wondering, "Hmmm...why doesn't that person normally drink soda? And what is so

  special about today?" Both are questions a conversationalist is likely to ask— simply because the statement was

  framed with an angle. Let's add more information to the angle:

  I told my husband I would be healthy and give up soda for a year, but I can't do it any longer. It's too hard!

  Much more interesting! There's family drama and potential conflict. There's temptation. There's a mini-

  narrative that could be expanded or examined more closely. Let's break down another example:

  Liam: What are you doing this weekend?

  Caitlin: Well, my boyfriend is coming over to my house.

  There's nothing wrong with the factual response; however, it's missing some pieces. Caitlin forgot to

  mention a basic angle—this i
s the first time her boyfriend is meeting her son. Now that's much more interesting.

  Adding one of the following angles would increase interest in the conversation even more:

  ANGLE 1: And I'm really nervous! I hope my son doesn't do anything crazy!

  ANGLE 2: And I'm torn about what we're going to do—I mean, my son hates sports, and my boyfriend is the biggest

  sports fanatic and wants to watch the game.

  Angles often involve more emotional, rather than factual, commentary. Angles also help your partner select

  the appropriate follow-up questions or responses. A bland statement like "I bought a computer" probably

  won't jumpstart much conversation. If your partner is interested, they may ask standard questions (e.g., "Oh

  yeah, what kind?" or, "That's cool, is it fast?"). And the conversation remains stuck purely in factual

  information-sharing mode. But adding an emotion-centric angle can initiate a myriad of rich tangents and is

  much more likely to trigger responses from your conversation partner.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  You're at a bar, talking with someone you just met. You've transitioned past the initial exchanges. Of the two

  comments below, which is more connectable?

  1. This whiskey is so smooth, I'm going to order another.

  2.1 can't decide between getting another whiskey or slowing down with a beer.

  Answer:

  Although both comments are very similar, the second comment is much more connectable. Why? Because it

  introduces a dilemma—which is a great angle. The other person will be inclined to "help." The comment also

  implied two different actions with different possible outcomes-speeding up the drinking or slowing it down.

  The other person may be interested in seeing you drink more or drink less, and both are good topics to discuss

  playfully.

  Regarding the first comment, saying something is "good" or "smooth" doesn't offer anything very interesting

  to chew on: there's no intrigue or angle. However, if no one expected it to be "smooth" and it turned out to be

  surprisingly smooth, then that could be an angle.

  51.

  BOSSES

  MAINTAIN SMALL

  TALK WITH

  CONNECTABLE OPINIONS

  Employ more connectable opinions to maintain a conversation longer.

  Have you ever listened to a group of sports fans talk sports? Sports conversations can continue ad infinitum

  because the topics are ripe for taking strong positions on light-hearted topics; everyone involved understands

  the opinions are open to debate. Let's look at three baseball fanatics: Dave, Jay, and Mark. They've been friends

  forever and love discussing baseball. Their conversations last for hours. Let's look at a short snippet. Dave

  starts by saying, "Did you hear Rodriguez just signed for $122 million?"

  Mark: I'm happy for him, but that's crazy. That's way too much for a relief pitcher, don't you think?

  Jay: Yeah, but it's the going rate. It's about average. It's not a shock to see that deal.

  Dave: I think he should have been paid more—relief pitchers are undervalued as it is. At least that's my opinion.

  Look at each opinion from a high level. Mark views the contract amount as too much, Jay thinks it's about

  right, and Dave thinks it's too little. Like Goldilocks and The Three Bears— depending on one's perspective, the porridge can be too hot, too cold, or just right. Of course, after each opinion is made, the guys could offer

  support for their respective views.

  Connectable, interesting opinions take a solid position or offer an interesting perspective. They are either

  for or against, they see either the good or the bad, etc. However, make it clear you're open to discussion. Let's

  examine an example involving the topic of restaurant servers.

  Friend: Our server looks really stressed out.

  Boring opinion: Yeah, you're right, he probably needs a break.

  How'd you think that went? I agree, it could have been better. Let's try again, but with a more connectable

  opinion.

  Connectable opinion: You're right, it's a tough job. I think everyone should work at a restaurant at least once in their

  life—it builds character, don't you think?

  Friend: Absolutely! I wasn't ever a server, but I worked behind the desk at a hotel during college—now that kept me

  humble. I had to deal with so many arrogant jerks!

  Your connectable opinion elicited some great disclosure and free information from your friend.

  Check out an example that centers on a very connectable topic —pets.

  Friend: My dog threw up on the rug again.

  Boring opinion: That's not good.

  So far, the conversation lacks a connectable opinion. Let's try again.

  Friend: My dog threw up on the rug again.

  Connectable opinion: That's not good. See, that's why I have a cat—I think they are much lower maintenance.

  That's a connectable opinion. The friend may now express agreement or disagreement and explain why.

  Just in case the friend doesn't offer any comment immediately, you could add some support and beef up your

  connectable opinion:

  Support: I can leave for a week and come back, and my cats are fine. I don't come back to ripped-up couches.

  Friend: Yeah, that's true, but I think dogs are much better at ____ , even though.

  I recently heard Rick, Loraine, and Jake talking about buying a car. Unfortunately, Rick's opinion was good

  but lacked substance. Notice what occurs when Loraine offers a connectable opinion. We'll look at Rick's opinion

  first:

  Rick: I don't think you should buy a new car.

  His opinion isn't bad by any means, and he did a good job taking a side, but it doesn't offer anything else of

  substance to connect to. It doesn't provide much food for thought or an angle. Take a look at how Loraine picks

  a side and offers a variety of connection options:

  Loraine: I don't think you should buy a new car either! I was at the dealer recently, and this guy says I should buy a

  new Hyundai, but I was like, no, I only want a used car. I personally think you should only buy used. I don't want to pay

  $10,000 more for something brand new. It's not worth it.

  Notice how Loraine's opinion offered much more substance because she supported her opinion with

  additional information and thoughts around the idea. She told a quick story about her experience at the

  dealership. She clarified her first opinion by saying two years is perfect, and then explained why.

  Loraine's entire opinion plus supporting comments were very connectable. She helped her conversation

  partners, Rick and Jake, think of a number of options for continuing the conversation. She may have helped

  trigger a response about their own experience at a dealership, their own thoughts on the best time to purchase

  a car, whether they should buy new or used, etc.

  The best conversation drivers open and expand a conversation by touching on hot topics, incorporating

  keywords, and remaining light in nature, yet substantive.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Taking a position and expanding your knowledge around conversational topics is key to being able to

  contribute more connectable comments.

  Think more deeply about every topic you come across. What personal anecdotes might you add? Can you

  form a safe or strong opinion with a good angle? What about a good keyword? What support could you offer?

  Try a superlative: think of the best, worst, cheapest, most expensive, and so on.

  The list below dives even deeper and more granularly than the TAPP list earlier in the b
ook. Peruse the list

  of TAPP SUBTOPICS and make an effort to form a connectable comment about each one. This is a great free

  association exercise. Pretend each subtopicjust came up in conversation—could you contribute immediately?

  How many do you struggle with?

  Keep in mind that you don't need a tattoo to talk about the topic of tattoos. Do you have any friends with

  interesting tattoos? What are your feelings towards tattoos in general? If you don't have one, what tattoo

  might you get?

  TAPP Subtopics

  Tattoos, Gambling, 80s or 90s bands, fashion trends, 3D printing, urban legends, worst teachers, worst ex-

  boyfriends/ex-girlfriends, best vacation, interesting hobbies, places you'll never visit again, near run-ins with the law,

  where to get the best taco/burger/steak, scariest moment, how long Facebook will last, new apps, what apps need to be

  invented, best or worst restaurant chains, how many pets are too many, the future of phones, plastic surgery, strange

  addictions, cruises, veganism, fad diets, irrational fears, strange habits of your family members, alternative energy,

  future of electric cars, transportation, secret societies, how long the latest pop star will last, new science ideas,

  hangover cures, ghosts, best drinks, virtual reality, first computer, TV vs. movies vs. books, specific TV shows, bad or

  good TV channels, future of cable, a TV show that should be made, pet breeds, strange animal facts, interesting

  Halloween costumes, crazy international leaders, crazy celebrities.

  By mentally processing interesting aspects of topics before a conversation ever starts, you move those

  thoughts to the outer layers of your brain, ready for quick retrieval during a fast-paced conversation. It's

  important to build those highways to interesting tidbits of information by thinking about them often.

  Bonus Challenge

  Think about three to five conversational topics that really interest you (and might interest others, too). It's a

  good strategy to develop a mastery-level knowledge and experience around the topics you've chosen. I've

  mentioned this before, but it's worth re-emphasizing. Achieving mastery will give you insights and information

  that casual learners don't have. You'll feel confident steering a conversation to those topics, and you'll be able