to provide a lot of interesting "free" information about those topics. As a bonus, if you run into someone who
has a lot of knowledge around a topic you've mastered, the conversation will flow with ease, and you'll form a
super-strong connection.
52.
BOSSES ENGAGE
WITH LIGHT
PROBLEMS
Introducing a playful problem is one of the best ways to kick-off fun, engaging conversation.
Almost every good story has one thing in common: there is a problem in need of solving. A challenge to
overcome. The problem keeps the story engaging. Asking for help or information is one of the best ways to
keep the conversation flowing. Problems make great angles and narratives. People inherently enjoy helping
others and asking for help often mitigates any potential awkwardness.
Try to stay away from the "death and disease" variety of problem and stick with the more everyday type of
problems that others are likely to have some experience with. Let's look at some examples:
I'm almost done with my show—I need to find a new TV series to be addicted to soon!
I'm thinking about getting a dog/cat/snake/new car. Do you recommend _____ ?
I'm thinking of moving out of my apartment, but I'm not sure if I should do a condo or a house.
I don't know if I should call him back—he's nice and all but.
I need help. Do you guys know of any good places I can take Betty for our anniversary?
Regardless of whether you already know what you're going to do to address your problem, it can be
productive and interesting to seek others' input—you never know what you might learn. Sometimes you may
receive great audience participation. Let's look at some real-life interactions.
Aimee introduces a light-hearted problem.
Aimee: I have to bring something to my boyfriend's soccer game tonight—do you think it's okay if I bring cookies? Are
cookies too girly? Would everyone make fun of him?
Jeremy: As long as they are manly cookies and not girly cookies with glitter frosting or anything.
Loraine: What if you wrote manly words on each one, like, "bad-ass" or "killer"?
Aimee: That's a good idea! Maybe I should.
Tyler: What about little milk cartons? He'd probably be totally embarrassed. But it would be so funny.
You don't literally have to ask for advice. Sometimes just stating your predicament can invite friends to
contribute.
Libby: I don't know what to do about my son.
Melissa: What do you mean?
Libby: Well, he keeps hitting kids at preschool. The other kids are calling him the "hitting boy" now.
Melissa: Have you tried_____?
Libby could also have initiated with "Guess what my son did this time?" or, "My son is back in trouble
again." Either would have invited Melissa to inquire further and to offer advice or opinions eventually.
Of course, when you introduce a problem, don't hesitate to offer your own opinions and thoughts as well;
the other person may need time to generate their opinions.
What if you can't think of any problems to introduce? Inevitably, whenever you want to accomplish some
goal and/or put together a plan of action, you will run into challenges in implementation. Problems will arise
organically. Do you need to plan a project? Do you want to see a movie or concert? Do you want to catch up?
You'll have to figure out how to solve simple problems like who is going to drive, or what time is best to meet?
Great conversations start with talking about plans for something and naturally branch off from there. The
action provides the reason or backdrop for starting the conversation.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Think about five things in your life you could use help figuring out (no matter how big or small). What classes
to take next? Hobbies to start? House to buy? Toothpaste to buy? Take advantage of these topics when starting
and maintaining conversations with friends.
Next time you're at a restaurant, coffee shop, or other retail establishment, act like you aren't sure what to
purchase. Ask for help with your decision. You'll spark an engaging little conversation every time.
53.
BOSSES AREN'T
CONNECTION
BLOCKERS
Connections are key to maintaining small talk; be careful of blocking too many.
Grandpa always said, "Don't ever spit into the wind and don't be a connection blocker." Okay I admit, I don't
remember hearing any advice about blocking connections. So let me give you some advice, and one day you can
tell your kids, "Greg always said..." If you misread, overlook, or accidentally shut down a person's attempt to
initiate a conversation, you may inadvertently slam the door on the opportunity to connect. That's right kids,
don't do drugs, and don't be a connection blocker.
I recently picked up pizza, and the guy taking my order was particularly chatty. It was winter, and during
the course of paying, he asked, "Is it snowing out there?"
It wasn't snowing. I could have just answered truthfully, "No," and blocked or stifled additional
connections. That's all he was asking, right? Wrong. His question was simply his go-to device for starting
conversations with customers. He didn't give a crap about the weather! He probably asked the same question to
20 or more people that night! I felt like seeing where the conversation with the pizza guy might lead, so I added
a simple connection.
Me: No, but knowing this state, we could get a blizzard any minute!
Pizza guy: Isn't that right! Ill tell ya one of these days I need to move south. I'm not sure I can handle this weather
much longer.
Me: Yeah, I know. I wouldn't even have to move far. I'd be fine with going to _____ , I heard they have the
best _____ there!
One of the most common questions of all time for initiating a conversation with a friend is: "Have you
seen/listened to____yet?" If you are asked that question, instead of blocking with "No, I haven't," and
ending the conversation there, try asking yourself:
Why haven't you?
What prevented you from watching it?
What have you heard/read about it?
What do you plan to do about it?
If you address even one of those questions, your response would be much more interesting and would help
your partner connect. The following example responses are alternatives to "No":
No, I haven't—but I really need to. Everyone keeps mentioning it. I'm like 'why is everyone talking about this lady who
rides a dragon everywhere?' I'm so confused—I need to see it soon.
No, I haven't. Maybe I'll watch it tonight—even if my husband doesn't want to, I'll force him to watch it with me. I'll tell
him it's a fair trade for going to a baseball game with him!
Another common scenario involves someone telling you something you already know. "Hey, did you hear
about____?" Or, "I was reading that only the female Mosquitos bite people." Many people who lack small talk
skills would be inclined to block the conversation with an "I know." However, bosses might say "I know," but
they would add another detail. Bosses might also employ the contrast technique to elaborate on how they
didn't know either—at least not until some event occurred. "Yeah, I actually didn't know that until____."
Remember, your nonverbal language can block conversations also. Allow your body language to
communicate your humility and approachability. Incorporate open and approachable postures and facial
; expressions. Don't cross your arms. Don't scowl. Smile more.
Chit chat requires the proper environment in order to sprout. Put yourself in positions to receive
conversations. Instead of eating lunch at your desk, be where other people are.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start noticing if you tend to block conversations. Do you stick with facts and fail to offer anything else to chew
on? Or do you always attempt to keep the conversation flowing?
54.
BOSSES KNOW
THE GOLDEN
RATIO OF
CONVERSATION
This formula will serve you well in almost any conversation.
For over two thousand years, the fields of art, architecture, design, music, and other classical pursuits have
been fascinated with the golden ratio—perfect proportions that are always aesthetically pleasing and balanced.
I have discovered a golden ratio for conversations. Bosses sometimes structure their statements in the
following order:
1. Initial comment
2. Support initial comment (usually with an example, explanation, or story)
3. Afterthought (comment about something just said)
4. Connection (connect back to the partner or related topic or comment)
The golden ratio formula certainly isn't a cure-all for conversation, but it's a great foundational standard to
keep in mind as you practice maintaining your conversations. Structuring some of your contributions with the
golden ratio in mind will help you maintain an interesting conversation.
The golden ratio is an extension of the one-two combo you read about earlier. Let's examine one of the
coffee examples mentioned earlier.
Initial comment
I'm kind of a Frappuccino addict.
Support initial comment
It's been years since I actually drank plain coffee.
You could add the third element (afterthought) by adding color commentary about something in the
previous comments. For example, "I'm such a coffee snob, aren't I?" And if you connected it back to the other
person or another topic, "How do you like your coffee?", you would complete the four parts of the golden ratio.
Let's look at additional examples of the golden ratio in action.
Example 1:
INITIAL COMMENT
I love red wine. SUPPORT
I'll drink anything—even the $2 cheap stuff.
AFTERTHOUGHT
Maybe I'm just uncivilized.
CONNECTION
What kind do you drink?
Example 2:
INITIAL COMMENT
I hate naps.
SUPPORT
It takes me forever; I'm not like people who fall asleep in minutes.
AFTERTHOUGHT
I'm really just jealous of those people—it's so unfair.
CONNECTION
What's your trick—how do you fall asleep so quickly?
Example 3:
INITIAL COMMENT
I love that place; it's my favorite fancy high-class restaurant.
SUPPORT
Except you have to order one of those sirloins—or they'll look at you weird, like you're harharic or something.
AFTERTHOUGHT
On second thought, mayhe we shouldn't go there!
CONNECTION
We could just go grab some overly greasy burgers and fries.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Think about an observation or opinion right now. Can you support it with another comment? Now can you
comment on what you just said? Now can you connect it to something or someone?
55.
BOSSES ARE
FANTASTIC
LISTENERS
You can't connect and grow a conversation without being a good listener.
The reality is most people understand the core principles of how to be an effective listener. Poor listening
habits stem from something beyond a lack of effective techniques: bad listeners often don't care. No book is going
to inspire you to care about listening—that part is up to you. Some people are too selfish or lazy to try. (We all
know someone like that!)
"Caring" also means caring about the other person more than the infinite amount of distractions in daily
life. Be in the present moment with the other person. Focus on that person, not your phone. Fully engage.
Don't show off your multitasking skills and attempt other activities while listening. Give 100% when you can
(but don't psycho-stare either). The other person will notice if you're not fully engaged—but rarely will a
concern be voiced to your face.
Grow your relationships like you would grow vegetables. Good relationships, like bountiful harvests,
require effort, energy, and regular watering and care. For these reasons, selfish people often find it difficult to
listen and keep long-term relationships.
Give your complete attention to whatever your conversation partner is saying. Fantastic listening starts
with hearing and receiving the correct message—the real message, not just the words on the surface. People say
things with a look and with their body language; they have emotions bubbling on the surface and beneath it.
These emotions may be apparent, but they may not be. That's why it's important to pay attention to a person's
words, vocal tone, volume, voice modulation, eye contact, facial expression, and posture—in other words, the
full person and context in which the conversation unfolds.
Everyone wants to be fully understood. If you feel that you're receiving mixed signals, try to seek
clarification. Few things are more frustrating for someone than being misunderstood.
During conversations, pay attention to both the situational and emotional wavelengths. Two people who
are talking about the pure facts of a final exam, restaurant, or sports team might be able to have a great
conversation, but deeper bonds will form were they to express, exchange, and acknowledge each other's
emotions. Exploring the joys, regrets, and frustrations of life is the wavelength many poor listeners fail to
connect with. Check out this example:
Larry: How's it going?
Peggy: I'm okay. I just missed a deadline, and my boss is not going to be happy.
Larry: That's not good. .why did you miss the deadline?
Larry did an admirable job, but he didn't sync with the emotional wavelength very much; instead, he
focused on a factual detail. Let's give him another shot:
Larry: How's it going?
Peggy: I'm okay. I just missed a deadline, and my boss is not going to be happy.
Larry: That's not good. .Tve done that a few times myself. Do you think your boss will understand?
Much better, Larry! He quickly connected on the emotional wavelength. Pay attention and try to
acknowledge both wavelengths if possible.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start paying attention to what kind of listener you are. Do you ask follow-up questions? Do you cut people off?
Do you connect with the emotional, the factual wavelength, or both?
56.
BOSSES ECHO
MESSAGES
Buy time, show you understand, and keep a conversation going with this strategy.
Most everyday social interactions don't allow much time or opportunity to demonstrate your super-duper
awesome listening skills. In many interactions, you just need to keep it simple. That's where an echoing
strategy comes in handy. There are a number of ways to echo, and in my humble opinion, the simplest and
easiest tool for both echoing sentiment and demonstrating understanding is the Rephrase or Paraphrase. The
rephrase was mentioned earlier as a fantastic way to buy time, and it comes in handy for listening too.
Rephrases require little thought or effort, but still indicate to a speaker that you understand and that you were
paying attention at a basic level. Sometimes all that's required is that you say what another person has said,
but in a slightly different way. (You can even repeat the exact words but change your inflection or energy level
a little.)
Jason and Joyce love to rephrase each other:
Jason: I like oysters.
Joyce: Yeah, you really like oysters.
Jason: You like oysters, too.
Joyce: Yeah, I love oysters.
Rephrasing helps you quickly form connections and express commonalities. It's a quick way to indicate that
you're on the same page as your conversational partner and that you're paying attention.
Another option is to rephrase and confirm the significance of what someone has just said.
Your manager: I feel like we should buy XYZ.
You: Yeah, buying more XYZ is the right thing to do.
These types of rephrases occur a million times a day in the corporate world. They are perfect for letting
someone know that you're on the same page, but at the same time, giving the impression you have your own
opinion on the matter.
Rephrases don't have to be super-simple, though. Try to add some creativity to your rephrases. Echo the
sentiment but take advantage of more original and colorful words and ideas.
Peggy: I don't want to just give up on it.
Larry: Yeah, you can't push the eject button yet.
One level beyond rephrasing is summarizing. Summarize the main points—wrap everything into a neat little
package. Summarizing also has more potential to be entertaining and fun.
Check out some examples:
So, you're basically saying your dog is more masculine than me.
So, you're basically saying that you want to break up with him, right?
It sounds like you really wish you had a new job.
So, he's essentially a hot dog addict, is what I'm thinking.
Summarizing sounds simple enough—but there is a subtle art to it. Many summaries take the form of
conclusions. One time I was telling a story about how I offered potato chips to my three-year-old son as
The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists Page 16