He says, “A run sounds amazing right now.”
I walk over and touch his hand.
“I felt badly while I was running, Caleb. Thinking of you here. Knowing how you want to get out and move like you are used to doing. You’ll be out there running again in no time, though.”
He says, “Let’s hope so.”
Caleb stares past me out the window and sighs.
I ask, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. As much as can be expected. I’m just tired. Not sleeping well. Kind of exhausted.” He pulls himself around a little so he’s looking at me. He smiles, but it feels empty of the usual vibrance he so easily brings into everything he does.
I pat his hand and say, “Well, let’s eat and then you can rest, okay?”
“Sure. Whatever you say.”
He’s back to looking discouraged. It might be exhaustion. I’m just not used to seeing Caleb this way.
I grab plates from the kitchen, unwrap our sandwiches and put them on the plates. When I come back, Caleb is staring out the window even though the TV is on.
I suggest, “Hey, let’s turn off the TV for a while. We can talk, or eat in silence, but I think you’ve probably had enough of this, right?”
Caleb answers me in a gray voice.
“Yeah. That sounds good.”
He seems far away. I want to reach out to him, to climb into his bed and cuddle up to him like I did last time I was here, but something is holding me back. It feels like an impenetrable wall stands between me and Caleb right now. I don’t feel strong enough to scale it, especially with him guarding it on the other side.
We eat in silence for a while. Caleb only finishes half his sandwich and then he sets his plate on the table next to his bed.
Caleb says, “I think I’m going to rest. Sorry to be such a downer today.”
I assure him, “It’s understandable. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m here for you whatever you’re going through.”
He closes his eyes. I pick up our plates and clear them to the kitchen. Then I pop my head into Kat’s office.
“Hey, Kat, Caleb is going to rest. I get the feeling he wants some alone time. I’m going to head out. If he asks for me, just call, okay?”
Kat looks up and asks, “That bad, huh?”
“He’s just struggling through, I think.”
“You’re right, of course. I miss the old Caleb. I’m looking forward to his return after this ordeal.”
“Me too. Kat.”
As I drive down Lodgepole Canyon away from Kat and Jack’s, I think about Caleb. I understand why he’s moping. He had to leave his team on a fire. As a leader, that has to wear on him. He’s used to being active. It’s like someone clipped his wings.
But the way he was acting made it seem like he’s going through something else beyond adapting to the change. He didn’t resemble his usually bubbly self at all.
I wonder if he’s having second thoughts about us. I thought once we found our way to one another nothing could destroy our connection. He seems different—like he’s pushing me away. He didn’t flirt or try to kiss me. If anything, I felt like he held an invisible shield—as though he didn’t want me to come near him.
I TOSS AND TURN ALL night. My dreams are filled with images of Caleb falling down a steep hole as I stand at the edge reaching in, unable to grasp hold of him, powerless to help. When I wake Monday morning, I put my running clothes on, lace up my shoes and head out to pound some of the stress out of my body on the gravel roads near our property.
I return from my run drenched in sweat. I don’t even shower before I call Caleb. I’m not giving up on him. He needs to hear that. I have to tell him we’re still in this together. I bring my phone out to the porch swing as I call.
“Caleb? Hey. It’s me.”
“Hey, Mindy.”
He sounds as low as he did yesterday—no variation in his voice, like he’s just existing.
“Caleb, I want to tell you something. I had these dreams that I couldn’t reach you. They freaked me out. I still want you to know I’m here. I’m not giving up on you—or us.”
He’s silent. I sit waiting for an answer. I start picking at the fringe on a throw pillow on the swing.
Finally, I ask, “Caleb, are you still there?”
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“I heard you.”
He’s quiet again. This is killing me. Maybe I should shower and go see him. A phone call was probably a bad way to talk about something this important.
I say, “I’m going to shower up and come over. Okay?”
“Mindy. I appreciate all you are doing and saying. I’m not the best of company right now. I know you will say you don’t care if I’m poor company. But I do. I don’t want you to come over today. I’m really tired and I don’t want you to feel burdened to have to be here when you can be enjoying your summer.”
“You aren’t a burden.” I sigh. That wall between us seems to be getting thicker, even though I’m trying with everything I am to tear it down.
Caleb says, “I know how you are. You really are like Mom. You care so deeply. The thing is I just need some space to work through my own thoughts. I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging you into being here while I’m trying to figure myself out.”
I stare at a knot in the floor boards of my porch. This is a no-win. If I go, he’ll feel crowded and responsible for me. If I stay away, we drift. I feel a sob choking up in my throat. I don’t want him to know I’m crying.
He asks, “Mindy, do you understand where I’m coming from?”
“I do.” It’s all I can say without my emotions rushing out.
I take a deep breath and say, “Let me know when you’re up for a visit. Okay?”
“I will.”
I hear the phone click. The tears I was suppressing come now. Sobs consume me. I lie on my swing in the fetal position letting all the fear and grief wash out of me through my tears. I cry until I feel spent and then I simply lie on the swing staring across the yard as numbness overtakes me.
TUESDAY, I SLEPT IN until 11 a.m. I never sleep past eight unless I’m sick. I take a blanket to the couch and search for a movie that isn’t about romance. I pick Wonder, and about halfway through, my phone rings. I grab it quickly, hoping it’s Caleb. Instead I see Shannon’s name on my screen.
“Hey, Shannon.”
“Wow. Don’t sound so excited to hear from me.”
“Sorry. I thought you might be Caleb. I am glad to hear from you. Don’t take it personally. I’m a bit of a mess.”
Shannon says, “Of course you are a mess. Your boyfriend just went through a major accident. You have a free ticket to be a complete one hundred percent hot mess.”
“Thanks, friend.”
“So, I was wondering. I’m going to my uncle’s ranch tomorrow. I thought maybe you might want to blow out of town a bit for a change of pace. Maybe take your mind off everything heavy for a day?”
I say, “That sounds so good right now.”
She fills me in on the details and we decide she’ll pick me up at nine. When I hang up with Shannon, I feel more hopeful and less stuck. Maybe that’s what I needed—something distracting and an actual plan.
SHANNON AND I LEAVE early and drive about thirty minutes from my home to the ranch. We drive down the long tree-lined gravel driveway until we come up to the main house—a farmhouse with green shutters and a shake roof. The old white barn is visible just behind the house. The whole scene makes me take a deep breath—one I’ve needed for weeks.
We spend the day walking the property, riding horses through the back meadows, and drinking iced tea on the front porch. It’s 4 p.m. when we finally drive away. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.
I have the strongest urge to call Caleb, but I want to wait until I’m alone. Shannon drops me off out front of the Morgans’ home.
“Thank you so much, Shannon. This day was just what I
needed.”
“You know it. Anytime. Uncle Steve loves to have me come out and you’re welcome to come along whenever. And, Mindy?”
“Yeah?”
“Go easy on yourself with this situation with Caleb. You don’t have the manual on how to come alongside a man who feels like he’s lost his identity and value. Give him time but give yourself buckets of grace. Okay?”
“Thanks, Shannon. I will.”
She drives off and I head into the house to call Caleb. We haven’t talked since Monday and it feels more like a few months than a few days. I grab my phone while I pour myself a cup of water.
Caleb answers in a flat voice.
“Hi, Mindy.”
“Hey, Caleb. Guess what I did today?” I decide not to let his despondent tone infect me. I’m going to be strong enough for both of us.
He answers, “I don’t know. Tell me.”
“Well, Shannon took me to her uncle’s ranch. We rode horses and hung out there all day. It felt amazing.”
I pause. Maybe I shouldn’t be gushing about all this. Caleb’s been cooped up. He might feel like I’m taunting him.
“That sounds great. I’m glad you had a good day.”
I ask, “So, how are you feeling?”
“Not much different. I got a call.”
“From?”
He blows out a breath and says, “From the local station—station two. They are interested in me, but they heard about the accident. The chief I talked to said they couldn’t offer me anything firm until they see about my recovery. I knew that was coming. It just feels like another door slamming shut right now.”
I sit down on my couch.
“I’m so sorry, Caleb. I don’t know what to say. You are going to heal. You know that, right? And when you do, things will move forward. You’ll get back to working fires. This is a temporary season.”
I’m telling him that, but as I say it my words seem hollow and thin. Something shifted in Caleb. I don’t know where the man I have known my whole life went. This man I’m talking to right now almost feels like a stranger to me. I want someone to give me the key—the secret formula to follow to get things back to how they were. I decide to tell him I’m coming to visit. It’s not helping us for me to stay away.
“Tomorrow I am going out to run some errands. I thought I’d come by to see you first. No pressure, Caleb. I know you are wrestling through things right now. I just want us to see one another.”
I don’t even ask him if that’s okay with him. I don’t want to give him an easy out.
“Okay, Mindy. If you want to come, I won’t stop you.”
I PULL UP TO KAT AND Jack’s mid-morning. I called Kat before I came to let her know I was stopping by. She’s out front pulling weeds in the garden at the base of the porch when I park. She stands when she sees me. I walk over and give her a hug.
Kat brushes her hands together and says, “Don’t let me get dirt all over you. I’ve been digging like a kid in a sandbox all morning.”
“It looks great. How’s Caleb been?”
Kat shifts and stares off past me, then she looks me in the eyes and says, “I’ve never seen him like this. I’m actually glad you asked. I don’t want you to be shocked when the Caleb you know isn’t the one you see in that room.”
“I’m not going to be surprised. He actually asked me not to visit for a while. But I went to Shannon’s uncle’s yesterday and something told me I needed to come here even if he’s saying he doesn’t want to see me.”
“I hope you’re right. I’m sure glad you’re here—and you’re always welcome even if Caleb puts up the big ‘do not disturb’ sign.”
I smile. “I know. I don’t want to crowd him, but I also want him to know I’m fighting for us. I’m not giving up on him.”
“I’m glad to hear it. I keep hoping he’ll bounce back. Go on in. He’s in the living room with his leg up, or at least he was when I last popped in.”
I walk up the stairs and give a light rap to the screen door as I peer in. Caleb is sitting on the couch with his casted leg extended on the coffee table.
“May I come in?”
“Sure.”
I walk in and head over to Caleb. It’s taking everything in me to press past the waves of rejection he’s sending my way. I keep telling myself he’s not feeling well. I have to do this for us—he’ll catch up if I lead. I stand over him, hesitating only for a moment and then I lean in and give him a hug. It’s a little awkward with me bending down and him sitting on the couch. He hugs me and then pats my back lightly, so I step away.
I say, “It’s good to see you. Feels like it’s been longer than just Sunday.”
“Yeah.”
A heavy silence sits between us. I walk around the coffee table and take a seat on the opposite end of the couch. I really am going to have to do the heavy lifting here. He’s not helping carry this conversation or even make me feel wanted or welcome.
I ask, “So, have you heard from Jared?”
“Yeah. I talked to him Monday. They were between fires.”
He doesn’t even look at me when he talks. His eyes are fixed out the window as if it hurts him to look at me.
I ask, “How was that for you—talking to Jared?
“It stinks. I’m supposed to be out there. I’m stuck here.”
He pauses and runs a hand through his hair.
Then he turns to me and says, “Mindy, I told you not to come. I’m horrible company right now. I’m just going to hurt you more than I have already. And this life—fire life—it’s no place for someone like you.”
“I came here today by my own choice. It’s not good for us to endure this separately. We need to work through this—to figure it out together.” I give a wry laugh. “Unless you want to just give up.”
I feel awkward after blurting that out, but I need to know his heart. I look at him and he seems to be looking through me.
His jaw clenches. “If that’s what you want.”
“No, Caleb. It’s not—”
“It’s probably for the best.”
I look at him in disbelief. He has to be joking. Maybe he’ll take the words back. But he just continues staring at me with the same coldness he’s been giving me all week. I want to beg him, to pound on his chest, to throw ice water at him to wake him up. It’s his call, though, and he made it clear. I know if I stay one moment longer, I’ll crumple up and start crying. Instead, I steel myself and turn.
“Okay. Caleb. Goodbye.”
I walk out the door. Half of me is hoping to hear him call my name asking me to come back. The other half is numb. My hands are shaking. I jog down the steps. Kat looks up with a confused look.
“Mindy, are you okay?”
“ I have to go.”
I can’t even look at her. Tears are starting to flow down my cheeks as I jog to my car. I have to get away from Caleb. I don’t want him to see me fall apart. I hop in my car, shut the door, and back out of the driveway. I let myself cry as soon as I hit the main road. My sobs fill the car all the way home. When I park, I sit in my car with my head on the steering wheel as I weep over Caleb and what we’ve lost.
chapter sixteen
Mindy
I’M GRATEFUL WHEN MONDAY rolls around. I have my CEU class on campus at MSU tonight from 7:00-9:30 p.m. I’m looking forward to the distraction. I sit on the porch deciding what to do between now and then. Making plans helps keep me from moping the day away.
I haven’t heard from Caleb since my visit to his house on Thursday. I’ve been going through the motions and, as Shannon said, trying to give myself buckets of grace.
I put my planner on the kitchen counter and head out my front door for a run. I turn left at the end of the driveway and find my pace on the main road. With each rhythmic crunch of the gravel underfoot, I think about Thursday and the words Caleb said to me. I can’t completely accept that things between us are over for good. I feel like someone put me in a rowboat without paddles and pushed me away
from shore. It’s as though I’m standing watching Caleb on the shoreline with no way to turn my boat around to get back to him. It’s devastating. Still, it doesn’t feel final. Not yet. At least I hope not.
My legs burn as I run—the burning is nothing compared to the ache in my heart over our breakup. It was Caleb’s call to end this for now. He’ll have to be the one to open the door again if he wants to rekindle our relationship. I’m weary of crying. I need to find a way to live without him again.
My day passes quickly running errands and getting ready for class. I drive onto campus at 6:45 p.m. and park in a lot by the Education Building.
The course I chose focuses on teaching us how to expand learning through creative use of resources. Tonight, we are learning about project-based learning and how children can approach projects through their learning strengths. The teacher has us pair up and brainstorm. We watch some video of classes using project-based learning, and then we are given an assignment to come up with our own idea and share it with the class.
I feel energized as I leave the class on campus to walk to my car. I haven’t really been thinking about school much since camp let out. Caleb’s accident eclipsed everything else in my life, and this week our breakup has taken up all my thought life and emotional energy. After this hands-on class, I feel more empowered and inspired for the coming school year.
As I walk down a sidewalk to the parking lot, I get the strange feeling someone is behind me. It’s dark out and I’m alone. Maybe it’s another student from class. I press Kat’s number on my phone as I turn to see who it is.
All of a sudden, a man tries to grab me from behind. Time slows and my mind feels focused in single frames. I remember the get-low-create-space tactic they taught us in self-defense class last year at a teacher in-service.
He’s grabbing me and trying to hold tight. I feel like I can’t breathe, but I duck and move and then hit him with alternating elbow strikes. I’m wriggling and jabbing wildly. Everything seems to be happening in a blur. In one moment, I realize he lost his grip.
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