by Nella Tyler
I was breathing heavily when I finished talking and Beth was looking stunned and worried at the same time. Finally, she took a step toward me and took my hand. “Okay,” she agreed quietly. “Then that is the end of the conversation.”
“Thank you,” I said.
We finished packing and then loaded my car with all the boxes I would be taking with me. When I was done, I left my key with the landlord and Beth drove in the direction of my mom’s apartment. We drove in silence the whole way there and I tried not to burst, because that’s what it felt like. It felt like if I moved too fast or spoke too loudly, I might explode into a million, little pieces and float off into the atmosphere.
When we finally pulled up outside my mother’s apartment, I took off my seat belt and got out of the car. I walked around to the pavement and stared up at the building that would be my new home for the foreseeable future. A flash of the home I might have had with Chase popped into my head and I felt another wave of sickness that had nothing to do with the baby well up inside me.
I pushed it down forcibly and stood there, trying to find a bright spot in my little corner of darkness. It felt like someone had died – it honestly felt as though I was in mourning for someone.
My mother appeared from the stairwell on the side and rushed towards me while Beth unloaded some of the boxes. Her eyes were alight with worry, and I felt myself fall into her, longing for the comfort of her embrace. She hugged me hard and I felt myself let go of the sobs that had clogged my chest all morning. I cried desperately, the sound of my sobs reminding me again of death.
I realized slowly that I was mourning something. I was mourning Chase and I. I was mourning for our relationship and the future we might have had together. I was mourning the death of our happily ever after.
Chapter Fourteen
Chase
One week. That’s how long it had been since Lauren had packed up her stuff and moved out of our apartment. It didn’t even feel like “our apartment” anymore. It was just a half-empty apartment with old furniture and a bunch of old memories that pricked at my skin every time I moved.
It was probably just my imagination, but ever since Lauren had left, the apartment seemed so much colder, too. I had taken to turning up the thermostat at night because it got so cold, but in the morning, I would wake up and there was still a chill in the air. I knew I had to endure the oppressiveness of the apartment just a few days, though, because my boot camp training started up soon. I would be on a bus to the campgrounds, and I wouldn’t leave until I was ready to be deployed.
I had tried calling Lauren several times over the last week, but she was just not interested in hearing from me. She had picked up a couple of times only to hang up on me moments later. After that, she had just stopped picking up. I didn’t stop trying, though; I kept calling persistently, hoping that I would catch her at a weak moment.
I had no idea how I was going to make it. Life without Lauren was almost unbearable. I felt as though I had lost one of my limbs and sometimes at night, I would wake up and reach for her, forgetting in my haze of sleep that she was no longer by my side. My depression over losing Braden turned into depression over losing Lauren and this time, the pain was amplified by guilt. I kept going over the ways I could have done things differently, but I never seemed to get very far.
I had spent the last week making calls and arrangements. I’d had to call my coach and explain to him why I was giving up my career in the NFL. I’d had to explain to all my friends why the military mattered more to me right now than the chance to play pro. The only thing I couldn’t explain was where Lauren was and why we weren’t together anymore.
In a desperate attempt to speak to Lauren, I had eventually called Beth. She had sounded uncomfortable through the whole conversation, but in the end, I didn’t get much out of her.
“How is she?” I had asked.
“She’s…dealing with break-up,” Beth had replied with finality.
“She’s not answering my calls.”
“She doesn’t want to speak to you, Chase.”
“I’m leaving soon, Beth. I need to speak to her.”
“I can’t help you, Chase. She made herself very clear when she said she didn’t want contact.”
“We’ve been together nine years,” I had said. “How can this be so easy for her?”
“It’s not,” Beth had replied. “Nothing about this is easy for her, but she’s trying to protect herself now. Maybe you should respect that.”
I had hung up shortly after and had sat there pondering Beth’s last statement. A part of me couldn’t understand that. Was Lauren protecting herself from me? How could she possibly think I would do anything to hurt her?
And then it hit me.
Everything I had done in the last few weeks had been hurting her. I was just too wrapped up in my own pain to see it. She had waited patiently for me, she had been happy to wait out my grief, but what she hadn’t expected was for me to turn around and leave her in the lurch. I saw it for the first time from her perspective and slowly it dawned on me. I had made a decision without considering her and she was just returning the favor.
I couldn’t blame her. After everything she had done for me, it did seem like poor payback.
I finished packing up the rest of my things, loaded up the van I had borrowed from my dad, and then I headed over to the parents’ house for a goodbye lunch. Dad met me in the driveway and pulled me in for an unexpected hug when I approached him. He had taken the news of my enlistment much better than Mom had, but I knew she would slowly come around. She was not the type of mother who would stop her kids from doing something they were really passionate about.
“How’s Mom?” I asked my father as we walked into the house.
“She’s a strong woman,” he replied. “She’s getting by, but some days are bad.”
“How was she after I left you guys the other night?”
“She was…upset,” Dad replied honestly. “It never even entered her mind that you might think to enlist. I think she was shocked, and on top of that to hear that you and Lauren were no longer together…well.”
“I know,” I said quickly. “Where is Mom?”
“In the kitchen,” he replied. “Getting lunch prepared.”
I nodded and sighed deeply. “I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing,” I said softly.
“Does it feel right?” he asked curiously.
“I think so,” I nodded. “But I also feel horrible most of the time. It feels like I have to do this, but I’m hurting so many people by going through with this decision.”
“You gotta make the decision that’s best for you, son,” Dad said kindly. “That’s what I told Braden, too, when he wanted to enlist.”
I nodded slowly.
“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, son,” he said. “It gives a man a strange sense of accomplishment to know that both his sons are heroes.”
“I’m no hero,” I said quickly.
“Sure you are,” he replied with conviction. “You just don’t know it yet.”
I couldn’t help but smile as he left me to wander off into the kitchen to find Mom. She was at the stove with her back to me, and I realized that she had developed a hunch since Braden’s death. I felt my heart break in that moment, and I promised myself I would do everything in my power to come back home alive. I couldn’t let her sit through another son’s funeral.
“Hi, Mom,” I said as I stepped into the kitchen.
“Chase,” she replied as she turned to me with that smile that was sad around the edges. I wondered if that would ever go away and I would see her old smile, the one that was open and bright and unadulterated in its joy. “You’re early.”
“I wanted to squeeze in as much time as possible with you and Dad before I left for camp,” I replied.
“Ah yes,” she nodded as though she would rather not think about it.
“Something smells good,” I said, trying to move on to lighter topic
s.
“I want to talk to you about something,” Mom said, refusing to let me take control of the conversation.
“Okay?”
“It’s about Lauren,” she started and I sighed deeply.
“Mom—”
“No, we need to talk about this, honey,” she insisted. “Lauren and you have been together for nine years.”
“I know that,” I said trying to be patient.
“Then why are you taking this whole break up so casually?” she asked. “Why aren’t you fighting harder for her? You have to understand why she’s upset and why she’s reacting the way she is.”
“Of course, I understand it, Mom,” I nodded. “But the thing is, I can’t fight for her.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m leaving!” I said in frustration. “I’m going away, and I don’t know when I’ll be back. If I fight for her, then I’m telling her to put her life on hold and wait patiently for me. That’s not fair. She deserves more than that. She deserves to live her life.”
“And what if she meets someone else?” Mom demanded.
I hesitated. “I…. Then she meets someone else,” I said, forcing the words out of my mouth. “Like I said, I can’t expect her to put her life on hold just for me.”
“She was willing to come with you!”
“Come on, Mom,” I said. “Do you really think I would be so selfish as to take her with me?”
“No, of course not,” she replied. “But I did think you would value your relationship more than you’ve shown. She’s been with you through it all. She was amazing during Braden’s funeral. She took care of everything. She comforted me when I was crying my eyes out, fed me when I was too weak to feed myself, and dealt with the mourners because I was too grief stricken to accept their sympathies. She was right there with us the whole way.”
“I know all this, Mom,” I said, even though I didn’t really know how much Lauren had done for my mother at the time.
“And, you’re just going to go off to war without talking to her? Without trying to fix this? I know you’re suffering. I know that losing Braden hurt you badly, but how is losing Lauren going to solve anything?”
“I need to do this, Mom,” I sighed. “I can’t explain it. I just…it’s something I have to do.”
She sighed deeply. “I suppose there’s nothing more to be done then.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she replied. “Just come back alive.”
I nodded. There was nothing that I could say. I would have loved to promise her that I would be safe, but I had broken enough promises to Lauren, I didn’t want to do the same thing to my mother. After lunch, I hugged my parents goodbye, trying not to dwell on the tears sliding down Mom’s face. I kissed her on the forehead, promised I wouldn’t try to be a hero, got into the car, and started the drive.
Two and a half hours later, I was parked in front of the massive, walled boot camp William had described to me. I paused for a moment outside its gates and pulled the car to a stop. I picked up my phone and wrote down a message that had forming inside my head for hours.
“Lauren, I just wanted to say that I love you and I will be looking for you every single time I come back home. I know you’re hurting right now and it’s because of me. I’m sorry for that, and I wish there was some way I could show you that despite everything, you are still the most important thing in my life. I love you, Lauren; never doubt that.”
I sent the message before I could re-think it and delete the whole thing. I was about to put it down when I received an alert. I grabbed my phone again and looked hungrily at the screen. It was my message; it had come back undelivered which meant only one thing: Lauren had blocked me. The finality of that move sent shivers racing down my back.
This was it, then: the end of our relationship and the beginning of my new life. I had drawn a line in the sand and stepped over it. Now there was nothing left to do but keep walking. I only hoped that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life looking back over my shoulder.
Two Months Later
Chapter Fifteen
Lauren
The dress I had originally intended to wear for my graduation was a little too tight for comfort. I had no choice but to swap it out for a white, lace dress that billowed at the waist, expertly covering up my slowly emerging baby bump.
I was fourteen weeks pregnant and just starting to show, but it was the kind of bump that could also be equated with a big lunch, depending on what I wore. I just opted for loose clothes so that I didn’t have to explain myself before I needed to. I knew I would have to tell my mother soon. I knew I should have told her weeks ago, but I just couldn’t face that conversation.
My mother had always loved Chase and had been devastated when I had told her about our break-up. I just didn’t need to hear her tell me that I needed to talk to Chase and tell him about the baby. I had just changed into my white lace dress when she walked in.
“Oh, honey,” she said looking at my fondly. “You look lovely.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Mom,” I said, turning back to my reflection in the mirror.
The dress was flattering and set a lovely contrast against my green eyes and dark hair. But despite that, I could see how lifeless my face looked. There was no real vibrancy there. My eyes were sad and dull, my cheeks were permanently pale, and the make-up I had applied did little to cover up the fact.
The last two months had been the hardest of my life. Living without Chase almost felt like I had lost one of my senses and I was ambling around, desperate to regain some shred of normalcy.
I knew that was impossible, though. Everything was different now and my only option was to come to terms with my new reality.
“How are you wearing your hair?” Mom asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Down,” I said.
“Good,” she nodded. “How are you feeling?”
I sighed. “All right.”
“Tired?” she asked pointedly.
“I…well, a little,” I nodded. “Probably just nerves.”
“That or the pregnancy.”
I turned to her in shock. “You know?”
Mom smiled. “Of course I know,” she replied.
“How long?”
“I suspected a week after you moved in here,” she replied. “And then a week later, I was sure.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I demanded.
“Because I was hoping you would tell me yourself.”
“Oh,” I said lowering my eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t. It was just that—”
“You didn’t want to have that conversation with me.”
“I guess,” I nodded.
“Well, if you thought I was going to tell you to call Chase and tell him about the baby, then you were wrong,” she told me decidedly.
“I was?”
She smiled. “I’ll admit that was not my opinion when I first suspected, but I have since changed my mind.”
“Is that so?” I said sitting down next to her. “What changed your mind?”
“I realized that you had your reasons,” Mom replied. “And you wouldn’t have made the choice had you not thought it over thoroughly.”
“So you agree with me not telling Chase?” I asked.
She smiled. “I wouldn’t go that far,” she said gently. “I understand why you haven’t told him. And, even though I think he deserves to know, at least at some point, I also think that he needs to make some attempt to show you he cares and wants to make things work with you.”
I bit my lip and refrained from telling her about the fact that I’d changed my email address and blocked Chase’s number long ago. I knew she wouldn’t approve of that, and I was enjoying having some understanding rather than being told all my decisions thus far had been wrong.
“I know no one understands why I don’t want to tell him,” I sighed. “But no one else is in the position I’m in. I don’t want him to choose me just becau
se I’m pregnant. And I don’t want him to come back for that reason, either. He’s doing well with his training. I guess that speaks volumes.”
“He’s doing well with his training?” Mom repeated. “How do you know?”
“Clark,” I replied.
“Clark?” she said in confusion.
“Clark is Beth’s brother,” I said. “He and Chase have always kept in sporadic contact. Apparently, Chase is well into his training, and he’s adjusting well to life as a soldier.”
Mom must have heard the bitterness in my voice because she reached out and took my hand. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I know how much you wanted him at your graduation.”
“He should have been here,” I said. “He should have wanted to be here. I’ve been looking forward to this moment for so long and then he just…left me behind. He turned his back on me, and that means I owe him nothing. I need to do what’s right for me now, Mom. That’s why I’m not going to tell him about the baby. He promised me he would always be there for me. He went back on his word, and that means that I need to look out for myself, which is probably what I should have done in the first place.”
“Okay, darling,” she replied, and her voice was soft with sympathy. “Okay.”
I nodded and got up. “Are you ready to go?”
“I’m ready,” she nodded.
My actual graduation passed by in a blur. I went through the motions of the ceremony, I cheered for my friends, and I walked up on stage to receive my diploma, but it felt like an out of body experience. It felt like I was watching myself from a distance, as though I was not connected to any part of the moment. I felt no sense of pride or accomplishment; I felt no excitement or nervousness.
Chase’s absence consumed me completely and that was the only thing I could feel through the entire ceremony. I was angry and hurt and bitter. I had stuck by him through everything, but the moment I expected something from him, he had disappeared. He had turned tail and vanished into an adolescent dream in search of a ghost.