by Nella Tyler
“Oh no, no, you should call,” I said hurriedly. “I mean…I don’t think Lauren would mind.”
Mom nodded. “I take it you haven’t spoken to her since you left?”
“No,” I sighed. “I have written to her, though.”
“Oh?”
“Six letters by last count,” I admitted. “The last one should get to her in a few days.”
“And?”
“No reply,” I said shortly. “I don’t even know if she got any of them. I suppose I’m hoping that’s the case considering I haven’t received any replies.”
“Chase.”
“I miss her, Mom,” I said before I could stop myself. “I was a complete idiot.”
She sighed. “Oh, honey, there’s no point looking back now.”
“I know…it’s just….”
“Hard,” Mom nodded. “I know.”
“If you do speak to her, could you just find out how she’s doing?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Great,” I nodded. “Thank you. Anyway…I’ll let you go now and I’ll try and talk to you guys again on Christmas.”
“Sounds good,” she nodded. “Be safe, son.”
Once I had closed my laptop, I decided to walk outside and get some fresh air. My bunker suddenly felt intensely claustrophobic and I wanted to see sky. The terrain looked dry and lackluster. There was no color except for the dusky shades of brown that painted the land in his various hues.
Still, there was a certain amount of attractiveness I could appreciate from the barren landscape. The midnight-blue sky was twice as hypnotic and the absence of light and the isolation of our location meant I could see three times as many stars in the sky. They glowed fiercely, lighting up everything with their shimmering glow.
“Lauren,” I whispered to the wind, imagining that we were both looking up at the same sky. I knew it was right that I should be here; the mistake had been leaving Lauren behind.
I was so wrapped up in thought that I didn’t see Damper approach me from behind.
“What are you doing out here when there’s a party going on in there?” he asked as he stood next to me.
“I was just…thinking,” I replied.
“Bullshit,” Damper said. “You were brooding. Is this about the pretty girlfriend you left behind?”
“Umm….”
“Come on dude,” he said shaking his head. “You’ve got to put that behind you and stop being such a girl.”
“What?” I said with a laugh. “How am I being a girl?”
“You’re standing out here alone staring up at the sky. What do you think that’s going to do – magically transport her over here?”
I shook my head at Damper. “I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”
Damper laughed out loud. “It’s because of my brazen honesty.”
“I could do with a few less honest friends,” I said.
He continued laughing unperturbed. “You’ve got three and a half years left,” he replied. “There’s no point torturing yourself through it. You’ve got to relax a bit and remember why you signed up in the first place. Remember that and forget the rest.”
I sighed, knowing he had a point, but also aware it was all easier said than done. I wanted to be alone, but Damper was right; it would do me no good to dwell on things I had no power to change.
“Come on, man,” he said. “Let’s get inside. It’s getting cold out here.”
I had no choice but to follow him.
Chapter Nineteen
Lauren
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said in my most comforting voice. “Calm down now.”
He had been screaming now for almost fifteen minutes and all I could do was look at the time. If Cole kept this up for much longer, I knew I was going to be late for my meeting with Jeremy. All I was wearing were my sweats and my nursing bra. I still hadn’t showered, my hair needed to be washed, and I needed to get Cole fed and swaddled for a nap before I left.
I rocked him back and forth in my arms, trying to get him to calm down, but nothing seemed to be working. He was just a little, blotchy face that was red from crying.
“You’ve got to help me out here, little man,” I said desperately. “I’ve already rescheduled this meeting twice.”
Just then, the front door opened and my mother walked in. I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God you’re here,” I said. “He’s been crying for fifteen minutes straight, and I don’t know what to do.”
Mom put her bag down and approached me immediately. She took one look at Cole and then she lifted him out of my hands. “Well, you’d be screaming too if you were wrapped up like a toffee,” she said as she unwrapped the blanket I had placed around him. Then she proceeded to remove the blue onsie he was wearing until there was nothing left but his diaper.
After mere moments, Cole’s crying reduced to light sniffling before it stopped altogether. “Are you serious?” I said, staring at Cole. “He was just hot?”
“Yup,” Mom replied as she lifted him into her arms again and placed a kiss on his temple.
“Oh God,” I said collapsing into the only armchair in the living room. “I am a terrible mother.”
“You have a baby that’s four-weeks-old,” she said gently. “This is the learning curve.”
“Oh,” I moaned as I placed my head in my hands.
“Don’t you have a meeting to get to?” she asked.
“It’s an informal one,” I nodded. “But I’m already late.”
“This is the Jeremy that I met at your graduation?” she asked curiously.
“The same one,” I nodded.
“Hmm,” Mom said thoughtfully.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly. “Now why don’t you nurse your son quickly and get dressed. I’ll take care of things from there.”
I took a deep breath and extended my hands out so that Mom could place Cole into them. Now that he was free from the restraints of his clothing, he cooed at me happily. I shook my head at him and kissed his forehead before I unhooked one strap of my bra so that I could feed him. Mom sat down next to me and I could practically see the wheels in her head spinning.
“What are you thinking, Mom?” I asked pointedly.
“Nothing,” she replied innocently. “It’s just that….”
“Yes?”
“Jeremy seemed very nice.”
I smiled. “He is.”
“Is he single?”
“Mom!”
“What?” she asked. “I’m curious.”
“If you want, I can give him your number,” I said teasingly. “The two of you would make a cute couple.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m just saying, darling, it’s been awhile. Maybe it’s time you start thinking about moving on with your life.”
“I was a little busy having a baby, Mom.”
“And now you’ve had your baby. Is there a point in waiting when there’s a perfectly nice guy right in front of you?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I said honestly.
“Just keep an open mind,” Mom said gently.
I nodded and then detached Cole from my breast. He was in a good mood now that he was fed and cool. “Will you burp him?” I asked. “I need to hurry.”
I handed her the baby and then rushed into my bathroom. I would have loved to indulge in a twenty-minute shower, but I knew I was cutting it close, so I settled on a measly ten and a quick blow dry before I rushed to my wardrobe.
The breastfeeding had done wonders for my baby weight, and only four weeks in, I was only seven pounds away from my pre-baby weight. And since those seven pounds could be easily camouflaged, they didn’t bother me at all. I picked a pair of black trousers, a white silk blouse, and a navy-blue blazer that was comfortably chic without being too oppressively businesslike. Then I dabbed on some lipstick and rouge, combed out my blow dry, slipped into my favorite nude wedges, and walked out of my bedroom feeling relatively put toge
ther.
“You look great,” Mom said the moment she saw me.
“Is he sleeping?” I asked.
“Went out like a light,” she nodded. “You’ve got three hours before his next feed.”
“I’ll be back before then,” I assured her as I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.
Jeremy was already there when I walked into the restaurant. He was sitting at a table by the window in a thin, light-gray sweater that he had rolled up to the elbows. I was struck by how good-looking he was and tried not to be too affected by that observation.
“Hi, Jeremy,” I said as I walked up to the table. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”
“Lauren!” he said rising the moment he saw me. “It’s been so long. I was scared you weren’t going to show up.”
“I wouldn’t have stood you up.”
“No, but you have rescheduled a couple of times,” he reminded me.
“I’m sorry; my life has been a little hectic recently.”
“Don’t apologize, I get it. You’re here now.”
Our eyes locked onto one another and I had to forcibly break the contact. It was strangely intimate and I wasn’t sure if I was imagining the awkward chemistry in the air that hid other things that I was scared to explore.
“So, when was the last time we saw each other?” Jeremy asked.
“At that party right after our graduation,” I reminded him.
“My God, that was almost ten months ago,” he said.
“It was,” I nodded.
“I can’t believe we haven’t really spoken since then,” he said. “I actually asked Grace and Maisy about you a couple of times, but they told me they hadn’t heard from you since graduation.”
“Yeah, I’ve been flying under the radar lately.”
“Oh yeah?” Jeremy asked. “How come?”
I hesitated for a moment, wondering why I was so reluctant to tell Jeremy about Cole. “I…just, you know…work and stuff,” I said finally. I knew I shouldn’t have been embarrassed, but the truth was that I didn’t want to be judged, especially by Jeremy. I didn’t want to explain why I had a baby and no husband; it was old fashioned and I was probably being silly but my insecurities won over my sense.
“Of course,” Jeremy nodded. “And how’s my arch rival doing?”
“Who?”
“Your boyfriend,” Jeremy replied. “The soul mate?”
“Oh,” I said feeling my heart drop. “You don’t know.”
“Know what?”
“We’re not together anymore,” I said, forcing out the words. They still tasted bitter coming out.
“Are you kidding?”
“I’m not,” I said with a forced smile. “He doesn’t live here anymore. He enlisted in the military.”
“I heard about that,” Jeremy admitted. “I just assumed you were still with him despite that.”
“Turned out our relationship couldn’t survive that decision,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Lauren,” he said lowering his eyes. “I didn’t realize.”
“No it’s fine,” I said quickly. “It was a while ago now; I’m over it.”
“Are you really?” Jeremy asked with concern that touched me.
I smiled sadly. “Well, I’m doing my best.”
Jeremy nodded. “Well, if you ever need to talk.”
“Thanks, but what I really need to talk about is this new venture of mine…ours, I guess,” I said brightening up my tone, hoping to change the topic as fast as possible.
He complied easily and we got into talking about the business of opening up a gym and the possibility of finding a good piece of land that would meet our needs. He spoke with conviction and passion, and I found myself getting more and more excited until I started to see my career dream blossom right before my eyes.
“Do you really think this is possible?” I asked while we were half way through our meal.
“Of course it’s possible,” he said firmly. “We’re going to do this. In fact, I think we should start looking for real estate next month.”
“That’s soon,” I gulped.
“There’s really no reason to wait.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s do this.”
“Excellent,” he said. “I think we can look forward to getting things started as soon as April.”
“Wow,” I said, shaking my head to clear my frantic thoughts.
“Just trust me, Lauren,” Jeremy said making eye contact with me again.
“I do,” I said. The words came easily to me.
His smile warmed up his entire face. His eyes were so full of expression that I found myself admiring them fondly. I averted my eyes as a wave of some nameless emotion hit me. It was so bogged down in confusion that I could barely decipher what it was: loneliness, desire, need? It was probably all of the above.
“I know this is a little off topic, but you look amazing,” Jeremy said unexpectedly and I had to will myself not to blush. “Is it okay that I said that?”
I smiled. “It’s okay that you said that.”
I glanced down at my watch to mask the fact that the blush I had tried to fight had won and I gasped at the time. “Oh my God, we’ve been here three hours.”
“I guess so. Is that a problem?” he asked in surprise.
“No, it’s just that I have…a work thing to get to,” I said. “It’s really important.”
“Oh. Well then, I won’t keep you,” Jeremy replied, but I sensed a note of disappointment in his tone and I couldn’t help but be flattered by it.
I pulled out my bag, but Jeremy reached out with his hand and stopped me. “The bill’s already taken care of, Lauren,” he said. “So don’t worry, this one’s on me.”
“Jeremy—”
“Consider it my pleasure.”
I shook my head at him. “Very sneaky,” I said. “But thank you. That was a lovely lunch. I really enjoyed it.”
“Not as much as I did,” he countered.
I laughed. “I guess I’ll see you soon, then,” I said as I leaned in to hug him goodbye.
I didn’t expect to feel a little spark rush through me as our bodies made contact. It felt so nice to have his arms around me, even if it was for just a second. I pulled back and smiled awkwardly up at him. “Okay,” I said. “Bye.”
“Lauren?”
“Yes?” I said, turning around.
“Would you like to have lunch with me next week?”
I could see the nerves behind his question and I felt my own nerves rush up to meet his. I was wrong in thinking there was nothing between Jeremy and me. Now that I was single, I could see that there was chemistry there, but I couldn’t ignore my fear. I still wasn’t ready.
“I’ll have to check my schedule,” I said. “Can I let you know?”
His face fell slightly but he managed to smile. “Of course.”
“Great,” I said trying not to feel too guilty. “Bye, Jeremy.”
“Bye, Lauren.”
I turned and walked away from him, but a part of me felt like I was running.
Three Years Later
Chapter Twenty
Chase
I remembered a time when guns had felt heavy in my hands. Now, they were like an extension of my arm, a necessary means of protection. Sometimes there were situations in which the only time I felt truly safe was when I had one in hand.
Today, however, I was surrounded by desert in a hostile environment. Today, I was in a controlled space under several, bright lights being watched by my superiors as I took apart a carbine M4A1 and put it back together under their watchful eyes. I knew I was fast, faster than more than half the guys on the team, probably the fastest of the lot, and that gave me some amount of ease as I finished up my assessment.
The second I was done, the lights dimmed and I was told to step away from the gun. Afterwards, I was dismissed quietly and I walked out of the booth feeling relatively satisfied. Moments later, Sergeant Griffin walked out in his pristin
e uniform and approached me as I stood to attention.
“Stand down, soldier,” he said easily, and I relaxed immediately. “You did a good job in there today.”
“Thank you, sir,” I nodded. Sergeant Griffin cut an intimidating figure; he was six foot three inches with dark piercing eyes that missed very little. Gaining his approval was part of the reason I found myself where I was today.
“You broke the record today,” Sergeant Griffin nodded. “Fastest disassembly and assembly of a gun in three years.”
“Really?” I said caught off guard by that information. “Wow…I didn’t expect that.”
“You did well,” he continued. “So well, in fact, that I’m willing to offer you a special placement at Camp Pendleton for our new program in gun training in April.”
“April?” I repeated, feeling my heart sink.
“Yes, is that a problem?”
“My tour of duty will be over by then, Sergeant,” I replied hesitantly. “I’ll be back home in April.”
“Unless you plan to re-enlist,” he said without missing a beat.
“I…I….”
“Think about it,” Sergeant Griffin said without waiting for my clumsy reply. “It’s a prestigious placement program, Morgan. Not everyone gets in.”
I nodded. “Thank you, sir,” I replied. “I will definitely think about it.”
The moment he was gone, I went straight to my bunker, hoping to be alone. But my hopes were squashed the moment I saw Damper sitting on my bed waiting for me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked frowning at him.
“How’d it go?” he asked excitedly, completely ignoring my question.
“I…it went fine.”
“Fine?” Damper repeated as the smile on his face dropped. “That bad, huh?”
“No,” I sighed. “It went well. Really well, in fact.”
“Oh?” Damper said with raised eyebrows as though he didn’t quite believe me.
“In fact, I broke some assembly record or something,” I said.
“Geez. Seriously?”
“Apparently,” I nodded. “Sergeant Griffin told me himself.”
“He spoke to you?”
“For, like, three whole minutes,” I nodded. “It was magical.”
Damper snorted. “What did he say?”