by Nella Tyler
“Let me try again,” Jeremy said. “We’ve been friends for a while now, but I would like to be more than just your friend. I knew that the first time I saw you in our classics class, and I feel the same way now. We’re both single, we’re both free, and I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t give this a shot.”
“Jeremy…I…I don’t know,” I said honestly, wishing I could express myself a little clearer.
“What don’t you know?” he asked earnestly. “What are you worried about?”
“I’m not worried about you,” I said quickly. “I have no questions or doubts or reservations about you. You’re…perfect. It’s me.”
I saw his face fall at my words, and I knew it sounded like one of those generic lines you fed to a person that you had no interest in being with. “No, Jeremy, listen,” I sighed. “I know it seems like I’m making an excuse, but truly…I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship yet. When Cole was about two, I tried going on a couple of dates and they were all awful. It made me realize that I couldn’t rush things. I need more time to heal.”
“It’s been a long time since he left, Lauren,” Jeremy reminded me gently.
“I know that,” I nodded. “But I can’t in good conscience start something with you when I feel this way. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and I care about you too much to risk hurting you or the friendship that we’ve built. I promised you that day in the grocery store that I would always be honest with you, remember?”
He gave me a sad smile. “I remember.”
“You deserve someone who doesn’t have all this baggage,” I said. “You should find someone uncomplicated.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” Jeremy said firmly.
I looked into his clear eyes and felt a connection there. He was a good man, and he was amazing with Cole. “I’m sorry, Jeremy,” I said. “I need more time.”
“Then take it,” he said unexpectedly. “Take the time you need. I’ll wait.”
“Jeremy…”
He silenced me with another kiss. This was one softer and shorter than the last, but it held the seal of hope. “I’ll wait as long as it takes,” he said. “You’re going to be ready to move on one day, and on that day, I’m going to be there – waiting. Okay?”
I smiled and shook my head at him. “Okay,” I nodded at last.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chase
I could see trees and the boundaries of buildings that just looked like distorted shapes from our height. I viewed it through my window and took a deep breath. Four years later and I was finally home. I had this odd feeling in my chest – it felt good and yet surreal in the same moment.
I had gotten used to the rough terrain of the Middle East and compared to the dusky browns and endless desert there, everything I saw seemed obscenely colorful. An announcement was being made preparing all the passengers for landing, and I felt myself tense a little. My first thought was Lauren, and after that, I found I had to concentrate on my breathing.
I had gone to the bathroom an hour ago and changed out of my uniform and into plain clothes, jeans, and a white t-shirt. I was proud of my stint as a soldier, I was happy with all my accomplishments and the work I’d done when I was over there, but a part of me felt as though I needed to set that aside for now and focus on my immediate future. In my head, that involved Lauren – she was the central point from which everything else revolved.
I pictured her pale skin, her lustrous, green eyes, and her seductive, dark hair. She had always worn it long so that it fell to her middle back when released. Sometimes during sex, I’d take her from behind and play with her hair as I fucked her. I imagined doing it again, running my fingers through her hair and kissing every inch of her body. I had a road map of her body ingrained in my head, the round, full breasts, the slightly curvy hips that narrowed down to her thin thighs, and the three birthmarks that formed a distorted triangle just above her right ankle.
As the plane began to drop altitude, I had a sudden thought. What if the Lauren ingrained in my memory had changed? A lot could happen in four years. What if she had cut her hair? What if she had colored it? What if she wore glasses now? What if she had new marks on her body that I was ignorant of because I had missed the last four years of her life and everything in it?
I started to feel lightheaded as the plane dropped further down. I glanced out the window and noticed everything was becoming clearer. It looked like Los Angeles and not some cartoon drawing that was just a blend of colors. I had held fast to the belief that Lauren might still be waiting for me. I had convinced myself of the fact that our love was so strong and so powerful that despite the way things had ended between us, she had waited for me.
Now, I wasn’t so confident anymore. I was nervous, and I was scared. It was almost funny that after four years of being a soldier in a hostile environment, I found myself balking at the thought of seeing Lauren again. When the plane hit the tarmac, I balled my hands into fists and tried to think positive. That was all I could do at this point.
The airport was packed and it took me nearly an hour to get my bags and find my parents. The moment the sliding doors parted, I saw them on the other side staring at me with massive smiles on their faces.
“Mom! Dad!” I called, and they ran at me like children.
“Chase!” Mom said, slamming into me first. “You’re finally here! Let me look at you.”
She pushed my face away from hers and stared at me. Her eyes looked so bright that they brought some moisture into mine. I could still see Braden’s death etched across her face, but it was subtler now. Time had managed to move her past the great agony of that grief. Both Mom and Dad looked exactly the same to me. Maybe Dad had a few, extra gray hairs and Mom had put on a little bit of weight, but it suited them both.
“Come here, son,” Dad said as he pulled me into a bear hug. “I’m so proud of you. Braden would have been proud, too.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, feeling the weight of this reunion hunker down on me.
“I’m proud of you, too,” Mom interjected. “But I’m glad that you’re home.”
“I know, Mom,” I smiled at her. “I’m glad, too.”
We walked through the airport together in a tight group, wanting to be in each other’s presence almost as though our proximity to one another could bridge the four-year gap that had separated us. Dad and I loaded my bags into the trunk and then I sat upfront with him while Mom took the back seat. Through the whole ride, she kept her hand squarely on my shoulder as though to reassure herself I was really there.
“I’ve made your favorite for lunch,” Mom said the moment we had cleared the airport. “Lamb chops with homemade fries.”
“Man, does that sound good,” I said. “I can’t remember the last time I had lamb chops.”
“Your room is all set up and waiting for you,” Dad added. “We got you a bigger bed in honor of your arrival.”
“You didn’t need to do that,” I protested. “I was happy with my bed.”
“It’s was a single bed that you used as a teenager,” Mom replied. “You’re six foot two and considerably broader than the skinny kid you used to be. That bed wasn’t going to hold you anymore.”
I laughed. “Well, thanks, I’m sure I’ll enjoy the new bed.”
We spent the drive home in constant chatter, which continued right through lunch and well into the evening. But when six o’clock came around, I glanced at my watch.
“Why don’t you shower and sleep early tonight?” Mom suggested as she stroked my hair.
“I slept on the plane, so I’m feeling pretty refreshed,” I replied. “And anyway, I made plans to meet with the old group tonight at Carrington’s.”
“Oh, that sounds nice,” Mom nodded, but I noticed her eyebrows had gone up slightly. She hesitated for just a moment before she asked, “Will Lauren be there?”
After seeing Lauren at her graduation, my parents had lost all contact with her. Mom had tried calling a couple of time
s, but her calls had never been answered or returned. After that, she stopped trying, and I had let things lie.
“Well, I told Tyler and Daniel to round up the old gang,” I said innocently. “Which includes Lauren, and I know Beth is definitely coming, so I think Lauren might be there.”
“I see,” Mom nodded. “And whose idea was it to meet tonight?”
“Well…it was mine.”
She smiled knowingly. “And this is just a casual meeting to reunite with your friends…as opposed to Lauren?”
I smiled. “Of course I want to see the old gang,” I said. “Doesn’t mean I don’t have an ulterior motive, too.”
She shook her head at me and even though she was smiling, I knew she was a little worried. “Chase…don’t expect too much.”
“Meaning?”
“Four years is a long time, and you didn’t exactly end things on good terms,” Mom reminded me painfully. “There might be a chance that things are not going to go exactly how you’ve imagined in your head.”
I sighed and nodded. “I’ll manage my expectations,” I promised. “Now I have to go get ready. Tyler said he’d pick me up.”
I showered and dressed quickly before I spent the next hour alternating between sitting on my new, queen-size bed staring at the ceiling and pacing the floor of my room, obsessing over seeing Lauren again. Tyler said that he would pick me up at 7:30 so that we could be at Carrington’s by eight, but it was closing upon eight and there was still no sign of him.
“Damn it,” I said as I picked up my phone and hit Tyler’s number.
“Hi, man!” Tyler’s voice was enthusiastic. “How does it feel to be back?”
“Where are you?” I demanded abruptly. “Weren’t you supposed to pick me up tonight?"
“Small change of plans,” he replied. “I got caught up at work, so Daniel’s picking you up.”
I groaned. “Daniel,” I said. “No wonder’s he’s late.”
Tyler laughed. “He should be there soon,” he assured me.
“I could borrow Dad’s car—”
“What’s the rush?” Tyler asked pointedly. “Does it have something to do with seeing a certain someone again?”
“Fuck off, Tyler,” I said just as I heard the sound of a vehicle pull up outside the house. “Ah, okay, Daniel’s here.”
“Great,” he laughed. “I’m just leaving office now; I should be at Carrington’s in fifteen minutes. I’ll see you there, soldier boy.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “Lauren is coming, right?”
“I invited everyone,” Tyler assured me. “No one told me she wasn’t coming, so I assume you’ll see her tonight.”
“Okay,” I nodded, allowing myself to be reassured as I grabbed my coat and headed downstairs.
I swallowed my annoyance with Daniel’s typical lateness and hugged him as he welcomed me back home. Immediately after, we set off for Carrington’s.
“You excited about seeing everyone again?” Daniel asked.
“Of course.”
“Bull,” he laughed. “You only care about seeing one person tonight. Admit it.”
I rolled my eyes. “You and Tyler think you know me so well.”
“In this case, you’re painfully transparent, man,” Daniel laughed. “You should know that everyone’s already at Carrington’s. So we’re going to be the last to arrive.”
“Great,” I said. “Just what I need…a grand entrance.”
“I do hope Lauren shows up, though,” Daniel said almost as an afterthought. “I’d be nice to see her after so long.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “You haven’t seen her in a while?”
“She’s been pretty MIA lately,” Daniel nodded. “Actually, she’s been MIA since you left.”
I swallowed hard. Twenty minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. The pub was in full swing and I could tell it was close to being at capacity when we walked inside. I wondered why I hadn’t thought to choose a quieter place. How was I going to be able to get a minute alone with Lauren with all these people around?
We walked inside and immediately there was a din of sound and hoots as the group caught sight of Daniel and me and cheered at my return. I smiled distractedly as I scanned the old crowd for the one person I most wanted to see. I was forced to go through the motions of hugging everyone, answering predictable questions, and smiling hard, all the while trying to figure out where Lauren was.
When it became clear that she wasn’t there, I moved straight towards Beth, who was nestled at the back of the group with her phone in hand. “Hi, Beth,” I said noticing that she hadn’t come up to welcome me with the rest.
“Chase,” she said giving me a short hug and a distant smile. “It’s good to see you again.”
“And you,” I nodded. “So, where’s Lauren?”
Beth lowered her eyes for a moment and when she looked at me again there was sympathy on her face. “I’m sorry, Chase, but I don’t think she’s interested in seeing you.”
“What?”
“Sorry, buddy,” she said with a shrug. “I tried to convince her to come.”
“Well, try harder,” I said forcefully. “Come on, Beth, you’d be doing me a solid here.”
She sighed. “I don’t know that she’ll listen to me, Chase. Sorry.”
I turned around and walked out of Carrington’s with my phone in hand. The moment I was free from the oppressive heat of chatter and sound, I dialed in Lauren’s number. A strange bleating ringtone sounded on the other end.
“Fuck!” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m still blocked. Fuck!”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lauren
“Here’s here!” Beth’s text was filled with exclamation points.
Despite my curiosity, I didn’t want to let on that I cared about Chase or what he looked like now or what he was wearing or how bright his smile was. I wanted to be aloof and unconcerned; I wanted to show everyone, including myself, that I could maintain a level of detachment.
I was leaning against the sink in my sweats and a sports bra while Cole splashed around in the tub playing with the new toy boat Mom had bought him for his fourth birthday. His eyes were a shade lighter than his dark-brown hair, which was long and silky. He had such beautiful hair that I had put off cutting it until Cole had proclaimed that he like his hair long.
“Mama, can we have pancakes for dinner?” Cole asked without taking his eyes off his boat.
“We had pancakes for breakfast,” I reminded him.
“But I like them so much.”
“I know,” I smiled as I sat down beside the tub so that I was at eye level with him. “I do, too. I’ll tell you what? If you eat all your veggies tonight for dinner, then I’ll make you more pancakes tomorrow.”
Cole’s eyes lit up instantly. “Promise?”
“Promise,” I nodded.
“With red-berry jam?”
I smiled. Cole loved strawberries, but he had a hard time pronouncing the word when he was younger so he had settled on red-berry, and that had stuck, as he’d gotten older. Now, Mom and I called them red-berries, too.
“Sure thing,” I nodded agreeably as another message from Beth came in.
“Hello?” Beth wrote. “Are you really not going to ask any questions about Chase?”
“I’m resisting the urge,” I wrote back, hoping she would just tell me.
“Well, I must say, he looks good. He’s buffed up a little, but it suits him. And it’s not like those weight lifters whose muscles make me want to throw up. It’s subtle. He looks more rugged than he used to…more masculine somehow. Or maybe I just think so because of the whole military thing. He’s still got a full head of hair and there’s light stubble on his jaw…I think that’s what’s contributing to this whole alpha-male, masculine vibe he’s got going on.”
“Thanks for the update,” I replied. “Now I’ve got to get Cole fed.”
“Doesn’t he usually have his dinner a littl
e earlier?”
“I was running a little late today, okay?” I said defensively.
“Hey, hey, no judgment. It’s tough being a single mom.”
“I’ve got to go.”
“Okay, I’ll keep you posted.”
I put away my phone and clapped my hands together. “Okay, little monster,” I said. “Time to finish up the bath.”
Cole stood up immediately, and I wrapped a towel around him and pulled him out of the tub as it drained. I wiped him dry and then put on his favorite, blue, cotton pajamas and combed his hair down. He followed me into the kitchen to eat dinner. He was eating his carrots and beans without complaint and I was glancing obsessively at my phone when Mom walked in.
“Grandma!” Cole welcomed as she laid a kiss on his forehead.
“Hello, my little boy,” she cooed in the same tone she used on me when I was Cole’s age. “You smell like oranges.”
“Mama used the orange bath wash today.”
“Hmm, you smell good enough to eat,” she said wiggling her eyebrows at Cole who giggled.
I saw my phone light up and grabbed it immediately. It was Beth again. “He just came up and spoke to me. He wanted to know where you were and why you weren’t here tonight. I told him that you weren’t interested in seeing him and he seemed pretty upset. In fact, he just walked right out of here with his phone in hand. I’m thinking he’s trying to call you at this very moment. Is he still blocked?”
“He is.”
“And that’s not going to change?”
“Nope.”
“Man, you’re cold.”
“I’m being practical.”
“You should come.”
“Are you on crack?”
She replied with an emoji that was laughing hysterically. “Come on, I’m serious. There are tons of people here and everyone really wants to see you. Apparently people like you.”