The traffic was thicker now. It was almost five, and more cars were swarming on to the m o t o rway with every junction we passed. Tigger, in the back of the car, was restless. If I didn’t make better time, I would have to stop to let him out for a run. But then suddenly I was in Swansea. The sea was flat and granite grey as I swept past.
It didn’t take long to reach the hospital – it was a place that I’d spent plenty of time visiting in the past – and within a few minutes I’d found out which ward she was on.
And found out, thank goodness, that she wasn’t seriously hurt. She was sitting up in bed, flicking through a magazine, almost as if she hadn’t a care in the world. Once I looked more closely, however, I could see that her face was blotched and her eyes were puffy. As if she’d been crying a great deal. Her eyes began to fill with tears even as I approached the bed. She rubbed the tears away with the back of her hand.
‘They got hold of you then?’ she said at once, fighting to regain her composure. ‘I’m so sorry, Megan. I really didn’t want to drag you all the way here. It was just stupid, stupid, stupid.’
She had, she told me, simply fallen down the stairs. Not a long flight of stairs, but enough that she had broken a bone in her foot. She’d been X-rayed and was now waiting to have her plaster put on. She was also, she told me, concussed. Which was why the hotel had insisted on calling the ambulance, and why they were keeping her in hospital overnight.
I threw my jacket down on one of the chairs by the bed but I didn’t sit on it myself. I felt I’d been sitting in the car half the day. The morning suddenly seemed a lifetime ago.
‘How on earth did it happen?’ I asked, nodding towards her foot, and trying but failing to keep irritation out of my voice.
‘I don’t know, really I don’t,’ she said, apologetically. ‘I just passed out. One minute I was at the top of the stairs and the next I found myself at the bottom.’ She threw the magazine down to join my jacket. ‘Actually, I’m not being honest, Megan. I haven’t been eating. I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve just been –’
‘Been what, exactly? Tom and I have been tearing our hair out, and –’
‘ Tom?’ She looked really shocked. ‘Tom knows I’m here?’
‘No, but he certainly knows why you’re here, Ffion.’ I sat down now, feeling suddenly weary. ‘And so do I,’ I added heavily. ‘He told me.’
Tears shone in her eyes again and then overflowed, tracking in twin streams down her cheeks and dripping on to the hospital robe.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IT HADN’T, SHE SAID, been a casual affair. Nothing like that. From the moment she and Jack had met they’d simply known they had to be together. And though Ffion was talking in a language that seemed more like romantic fiction than the business of real life infidelity, I could see she meant every word she said.
Tom had been right. Ffion and Jack had met when she’d been working on the hospital project here in Swansea. Jack was a young doctor, only recently qualified, and, like Ffion, he was already married. Unlike her, however, he was already a parent as well. He had two small children, one barely out of nappies. They’d tried all the usual things such as not seeing each other, trying to make a go of their marriages, telling themselves they’d get over it. They’d ended it, in fact, more than once.
But nothing worked, and the affair had continued. Neither of them was able to do without the other, though both of them – particularly Jack – were racked by guilt. But then Ffion had found out she was pregnant with Emily, and doing nothing was no longer an option. She’d agonised about whether to tell him. Whatever the fate of her own unhappy marriage, this was a man who already had children. How could she take their father away from them? She’d still been wrestling with her decision when she found out he’d been killed.
Only he hadn’t.
I thrust the tissue box at her. ‘But how on earth could you make a mistake like that?’
Ffion pulled at the bed sheet. ‘I still can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘The first I knew of it was days after the accident. I was used to not being able to get hold of him, of course.’ She looked grimly at me. ‘That’s how affairs are. But when almost a week passed, I began to worry. Had his wife found out about us? Did he want to end things? I didn’t know what to think. So I rang the hospital he worked at by then, in Carmarthen, and they told me he’d been in an accident and would be in hospital for some time. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call his home, could I? So in the end I decided I would go there myself. But when I got there it was awful. There was this big relatives’ room – I could see it just off the entrance. His wife was in there, and all sorts of other people.’ She plucked another tissue from the box.
‘So I panicked. I just left. And the next day I rang instead, pretending to be a relative. And then they told me he’d died the previous night.’
‘And that was that?’
‘That was that.’ Her voice was flat. ‘I was three months pregnant and the man I loved was dead. But I was wrong,’ she whispered. ‘If only I’d known. You can’t imagine the thoughts I’ve been living with for the past few days, Megan. I was wrong.’
I was as confused as ever. ‘But how were you wrong? How could anyone get something like that wrong?’
Her answering smile was entirely without humour. She stared into the middle distance. Not really talking to me at all.
‘If I’d just glanced at a newspaper I would have known the truth. If I’d known he’d been with Jack –’
‘Known who had been with Jack?’
She looked at me as if I hadn’t been listening. ‘His father, of course!’
‘His father?’
She nodded, gulping back more tears. ‘When I rang the hospital – I – I just asked how Dr Williams was. If I’d used his full name –’
‘But you did.’
‘No, you don’t get it. His father had been in the car with him. And he was a doctor as well. It was him that was lying there in Intensive Care, the day before, dying!’
I was trying to make sense of it. ‘But surely they would have asked which Dr Williams. Surely they would –’
She was shaking her head violently. ‘That’s just it. They wouldn’t have! Because Jack wasn’t even a patient there! He’d been taken straight to a specialist hospital in London after the accident. He had bad head injuries. He was in there for months. And all that time…’
She turned to look at me now, but without really seeing. ‘I saw his wife, you know. A few weeks later. She was pushing a buggy. I nearly went up to her, Megan. I so nearly went up to her. Not to tell her who I was or anything, but just to tell her I’d known her husband and that I was sorry. But I didn’t. If I had, then perhaps I would have found out…’
She tailed off, too tearful to continue. I kept having to remind myself that these were all things she’d only just found out herself. The shock must have been huge.
‘But it doesn’t make sense. Why didn’t he try to get in touch with you?’
She wiped her eyes. ‘Because I hadn’t tried to contact him. He thought…’ She sniffed. ‘He thought I’d decided to end things. Plus he had no idea when he’d be able to work again – didn’t know how he’d be able to support his wife and children, let alone leave them for me. He felt he’d have nothing to give me but…’ She paused to gulp back a fresh flood of tears. I tried to imagine what hearing this all these years on must have felt like. I couldn’t begin. She had paid an awful price for her infidelity. ‘He tried,’ she finished. ‘A few years back, after his divorce, he tried to find me. But by that time we’d moved to Cardiff with Tom’s work, and…’ She spread her hands in front of her, now unable to speak.
‘And now you’ve seen him again,’ I said gently. ‘So what next?’
She looked into the distance for a long moment, then turned back to me. ‘I’m so sorry I never told you, Megan. Truly I am. I nearly did, so many times. I just didn’t know what to do. Should I keep the baby? Should I tell Tom the truth?’ Her
voice was a whisper. She pinched her thumb and finger together. ‘I was this close to ending it all…but I had a baby to think of. That was all that kept me going. And Tom…well, he knew nothing. And he was so excited about Emily, Megan. It would have been too cruel, too awful. And for what? What good would it have done to break his heart? So in the end I decided…well…’ She brushed at the robe, agitated. ‘You know what I decided. Only now Jack’s found me, and…well, how do you deal with something like this?’
I had no answer for her. I didn’t know.
‘And him – Jack – what does he say? What does he want?’
‘He wanted to see me,’ she said simply. ‘He found me and he wanted to see me, and now… well, there’s Emily…’ She seemed to drift away into thought. ‘He saw my picture, you know. That’s how he found me. The picture in that magazine last month. I showed it to you – the one from Scott’s book-launch party.’ I nodded. ‘He rang work, pretended he was a journalist, and got my phone numbers.’ She had a faraway look in her eyes, as if bemused by fate’s hand in things. ‘Who would have thought it?’
‘But what now?’ I said again.
She shook her head. ‘Oh, Megan, I wish he’d never found me. I’m so churned up. I love Scott, I do… but…oh, I wish I didn’t have to deal with all this.’
She stopped and glanced behind me. I turned to see a nurse approaching the bed with a wheelchair.
‘Time for my plaster,’ said Ffion, wiping her eyes with the last of her tissue. She leant across and squeezed my arm. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I can’t tell you how much it means to be able to tell you the truth. I’ve been living with secrets for so long.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
AS FFION WAS GOING to be some time, I decided to go and deal with Tigger. Though I’d given him a quick run when we arrived at the hospital, he’d been shut up again for nearly an hour. Perhaps I’d drive down to the front and go for a walk on the beach. And call Tom, maybe. There wasn’t much to tell him until I’d spoken further to Ffion, but at least I could let him know I’d found her. I made my way across to the corner of the hospital car park. It would put his mind at rest, on that score at least. But then, would it? Wouldn’t he want to come rushing down to confront her?
No, I decided. I shouldn’t ring Tom yet. It would be sensible to wait until I’d spoken more to her. Yet I wished I did have a reason to call him. He was in my mind, of course, what with Ffion and Emily. I put my key in the lock to let Tigger out. He was in my mind, full stop, I realised.
What was I going to do now? It seemed pointless to drive home only to have to come back again tomorrow, but I had Tigger to think of. What on earth would I do with him if I stayed? I had a brainwave and rang the hotel receptionist.
‘Oh, you can leave him here, no problem,’ she told me. ‘Lots of our guests like to bring their pets on holiday. People with pets tend to holiday in this country, rather than abroad, don’t they?’
She was chatty and helpful, and probably, I guessed, a little relieved that nothing more serious had happened to one of their guests. So I would stay. Ffion’s room had been booked for tonight. I could drive Ffion back to Cardiff in the morning. With her ankle in plaster she would have to leave her own car here for now.
At the hotel I showered and had a sandwich. Then I left Tigger in the willing hands of the receptionist, and drove back to the hospital a little after eight.
Ffion was looking more composed now.
‘So,’ I said, as soon as I’d sat down. She wasn’t in bed, but in the armchair beside it. Her foot was encased in plaster and resting on a low stool. ‘What happened? You met him?’
Ffion nodded. ‘I came down here Sunday night. We talked. He’s divorced now. His children are teenagers.’
A sudden thought occurred to me. ‘Is he staying at the hotel as well?’
She shook her head. ‘No. And he doesn’t know I am. I didn’t make a plan, Megan. I just knew I needed to get away. Get here. I couldn’t face Scott until I’d sorted things in my head. So I just threw some things in a bag and booked in at the Mariner’s Wharf. It was the hotel we used to –’
‘I know. I worked that much out.’
She managed a wry grin. ‘I was in such a state by then I didn’t know what I was doing. I just thought I’d come here. It was lucky they had a room. I thought I would meet him, and…well, take it from there. You don’t have a plan for these things, Megan. I didn’t know how I’d feel. Only that I had to see him. Thatif I didn’t see him…well. It’s been a long time. An awful lot of “what ifs” and “if onlys”. ’
‘And have you seen him again, since?’ She shook her head. ‘So what have you been doing? Apart from not eating and not sleeping, that is.’
‘Thinking,’ she said simply. ‘Thinking about what was the right thing to do.’
She was talking as if there was definitely a decision to be made. Tom had been right.
Telling Jack about Emily now was an option. And was leaving Scott an option too? For a ghost?
‘What about Emily?’ I asked her. ‘And what about his children? Where do they figure in all this?’
She must have caught an edge in my voice, because her own was suddenly short.
‘You really think I haven’t thought about that? About Emily, and Tom, and what this would do to them? What right have I got to turn their lives upside down?’ She was echoing my own thoughts, so I didn’t answer but simply nodded, relieved.
Though not for long. ‘But Jack has rights too, Megan,’ she said hotly. ‘He’s Emily’s father. And he’s –’
‘But are you sure of that? Absolutely sure? I mean, if Tom had reason to believe she was his, then…well, how can you be so sure?’
Ffion shook her head sadly. ‘You don’t realise. There’s no question. Tom couldn’t have children. We’d both had tests. He’d already been told –’ She tailed off. I was aghast. More bombshells. It was as if I was talking to a stranger. But she seemed to read my thoughts. ‘We didn’t tell anyone, Megan. Not a soul.’
It was all in the past, I reminded myself. ‘But if that were so, how could he have thought Em was his?’
‘You always hope,’ she said quietly. ‘Miracles do happen. It wasn’t difficult for him to believe it, Megan. He so desperately wanted it to be so. So I – well, it was easy for me to –’
This prompted a fresh bout of tears. ‘I shouldn’t have told Tom the truth. Why did I tell him? It was just that as soon as Em was born…’ she sniffed. ‘…Every day she grew more like Jack. If you saw him – Jack is her father, Megan. What right do I have to keep it from him?’
I grabbed her wrist with my hand. ‘Every right! Look, this isn’t even about rights, Ffion. This is about what’s best for Emily. Surely you can see that? Doesn’t he understand that? What does he have to say? Surely he doesn’t expect to simply walk into her life and replace Tom as her father!’
Ffion was shaking her head.
‘He doesn’t,’ she said softly. ‘And he won’t be.’
‘So he does understand? He doesn’t expect you to tell Emily about him?’
‘He doesn’t expect anything,’ she said. ‘Because he doesn’t know. All those lies. So many lies. Is there ever going to be an end to them?’ A single tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away. ‘Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him about Emily.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THERE DIDN’T SEEM MUCH to be done, except to dry Ffion’s tears. I had been wrong. I needn’t have worried. My sister had already made her decision. And acted on it. She wouldn’t be seeing Jack again. She’d come here, she told me, not with any thoughts of their future. Just of their past. Of what might have been and now never would. She’d come down to see him already knowing that her future was with Scott. But also knowing that fate had given her a chance to close the circle, at last. And to say a proper goodbye.
‘That’s it, then, is it?’ asked Tom when I called him from the hotel late in the evening. I could tell by his voice he’d thought of li
ttle else. He didn’t sound convinced. He’d been haunted by Jack’s ghost for almost all of Emily’s life.
‘That’s it,’ I told him firmly. I believed it. In our own ways, we’d both got things wrong about my sister. We’d made assumptions about her that were no longer sound. ‘She never intended telling him anything about Emily,’ I said. ‘She just wanted to lay the ghost to rest. That was all.’
They’d need to talk, of course. I knew Tom wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable until he’d had a chance to discuss things with Ffion himself. And perhaps, one day, they would decide to tell Emily. I hoped not. But that was their business. I was only glad to be able to put it out of my mind. I felt strangely liberated. But there was little else to be said to Tom. Which made me feel suddenly sad. I wondered how long it would be before our paths crossed again.
‘Well,’ I began. ‘I guess I’d better get to bed.’
‘And how about you?’ he said suddenly. ‘Are you OK? You must be shattered.’
‘I’m fine,’ I told him, touched by his concern. ‘I’m staying down here tonight and taking Ffion home in the morning. Then I really must get back to my school work.’
I said goodbye to Tom and put down the phone.
‘Houston?’ Tom said. ‘We have a problem.’
It was late the following Friday afternoon. The last day of the school holidays, and my last chance to get to grips with my neglected autumn teaching plan. Which, despite the temptation of the sunshine outside, was what I’d been doing when Tom called. He was “out west” as he called it, having been to a meeting with a client in Tenby. Did I have anything on other than Shakespeare? If not, he wondered if I fancied an hour or two off. Trailing up the M4 at tea time on a Friday was the last thing he fancied doing, so he thought he’d stop for supper. There was a little pub he’d been told about, in Laugharne. It wasn’t too far from where I lived.
And here we were now, in his car. Just some fresh air and sunshine, I’d told myself sternly. That was all. That and an excuse to escape work for a while. Even so, I’d hastily changed out of my jeans and T shirt, and was sitting beside him now in my best summer dress.
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