And just like before.
It happened in slow motion.
The drip of water as it slid down my cheek, met my lips.
Will was there immediately, trying to touch me, explain to me, speak to me, but I wasn’t hearing words, all I heard was the sound of the crashing waves behind me, and the sudden jarring thought that I’d wasted so many years of my life dealing with self-blame.
Loathing.
Hatred.
Not realizing that maybe, just maybe, we really did have equal parts in our own destruction.
Gem was right. You allow others to ruin your life.
I’d allowed Will to both ruin and save me.
And now it was time to choose what happened next.
Not him.
Me.
I took a step back.
And then another.
And then I was running.
After Andrew.
I’D PASSED OUT once in my life.
Dehydration.
So I didn’t realize what was happening when Zane was snapping his fingers in front of my face and asking how old I was.
“He can’t count that high,” Demetri muttered.
“So many candles.” Ty shuddered.
I shoved them away and moved to a sitting position then held my head in my hands rubbing my temples. “What happened?”
Nobody spoke.
I sucked in a breath as the events crashed over me, jarring my memory to a painful degree.
That night.
That. Night.
I chose never to think about it.
Hated giving it power.
But in that moment.
I did.
I thought about it — really thought about it.
The fight with Ang before the concert.
The fight with Andrew after.
Drinking just enough to be angry at the world that things weren’t going my way — that my best friend wouldn’t listen to me about drugs, that he’d hurt the woman I loved, and that the woman I loved was choosing drugs over me.
The groupie was pretty.
And it was easy.
So easy to wonder what life would be like if I just shut off, sent Ang away, sent Andrew away, got them help while I could figure out how to save the rest of the band, salvage what was left.
I was fine.
They were the problem.
So. Much. Anger.
I choked back a sob and stood on wobbly feet, my eyes zeroing in on Zane and his haunting words.
Anger is the symptom.
I’d been devastated.
Because I’d had such a high opinion of myself — that when Ang still chose drugs — my pride couldn’t take the hit.
God.
I’d slept with her.
I remembered her tears that night.
Asking me to slow down.
Begging me to talk to her about the future.
Asking when she’d see me again since I’d be gone for weeks.
And my heart cracking in my chest as I slept with her one last time before I sent her to rehab — before I got her the help she needed.
Before I sent her out of my life and fought for us the only way I knew how.
Alone.
“Hey, you okay?” Zane asked.
“No,” I whispered. “I’m not okay.”
He didn’t seem to know what to do with that.
I walked.
And then I ran like hell.
After both of my best friends.
Ang.
And Andrew.
ANDREW WAS A runner.
I could tell by his stride, the easy way he inhaled through his nose, out his mouth. While I thought I was going to pass out from shortness of breath.
“Andrew!” I yelled.
The ocean swallowed my voice.
Finally, he stopped and turned.
I kept running; he was a good hundred feet in front of me.
And when I finally caught up, I couldn’t catch my breath, my tears were mixed with sand by then, and my lungs burned.
“I’m disappointed.” He rasped, “You still don’t exercise. Isn’t that part of the steps in rehab? Find a healthy…” He made mock quotes. “Outlet.”
“I bite,” I sucked in a gulp of air, “My fingernails and,” I put my hands on my knees and tried breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth. “I color.”
“Color.” he repeated, “With crayons? Markers? Colored pencils? Watercolors—”
“Crayons.” I blurted then collapsed onto the sand.
Slowly, he lowered his massive body next to mine.
We were a few feet apart.
Both of us staring at the ocean.
“You sent me away,” I finally said.
He swore. “Because it was easy to hate you.” A shrug. “I couldn’t get ahold of Will he froze me out of his life, and you, you were the catalyst. Well, technically we were the catalyst, but you were the one thing that took him from me forever.”
I stared down at the sand. “But we were friends, you and I, we were… close.”
“Wow, I hate to break it to you, but the only reason we started becoming friendly was because I gave you drugs.”
I flinched.
“What? Did I offend you?” He snorted. “Don’t lie to me and say it was for any other reason than I had contacts and you didn’t…”
“But—” I licked my dry lips. “After Will’s song hit it big during the solo break, you and I, we became friends.”
He was quiet.
“We had our own PlayStation console.”
More silence.
“I always won.”
“Bullshit.” He finally looked at me. “You never won, and you hated playing me because I was the only one who could beat you.”
“Is… that your outlet now?” I asked quietly.
“Tattoos.” He looked away, “I like pain.”
“Sadist tendencies, nice.”
“I lift heavy things. Get tattoos, and do extreme skydiving, all right? And if someone told me it hurt like hell to get a dick piercing I’d probably do that too, because it feels good to—” He clamped his lips shut.
“—to feel.” I answered for him.
He exhaled.
“Talk to him,” I urged. “Don’t yell. Just talk.”
“Talking isn’t going to fix this.”
“Don’t.” I put my hand on his arm.
He flinched, then locked his icy blue stare onto me.
“Don’t let what happened destroy you like I let it destroy me. Will made bad choices, so did we. Nobody’s blameless.”
He said nothing.
“It’s the past.” I tried again. “Don’t let it ruin your future.”
I learned quickly that Andrew had changed. Conversations with him used to be easy, full of laughter, now he was just… serious and maybe a bit dead inside.
“One more thing,” I said, standing.
“What? You want a kidney?” he scowled.
“Kidneys are healthy.” I smiled sadly at him. “But I’m kind of short on asking for forgiveness, it actually hurts to ask for it especially when you live your life thinking you’re the one in the right…” I held out my hand. “Will you forgive me? For putting you in an impossible situation? For coming between you and your best friend, however unintentional it was.”
He stared at my hand.
I held it out even though he didn’t as much as breathe in my direction.
And then I heard Will’s voice. “I’d take that if I were you. She doesn’t offer handshakes to just anyone.”
I was so thankful to hear him, to feel him, that my knees almost buckled. History wouldn’t repeat itself.
Because I wasn’t going to let it.
THE ANDREW I knew was gone.
His eyes were cold.
Lifeless.
He finally slapped Ang’s hand like a high five rather than a shake and continued to glare at me.
“I was scared,” I finally said. “Jealous
and scared.”
Surprise flickered across his face.
“I’d sent her into your arms knowing you’d take care of her while I was gone while hating the bad influence you were on each other. You had this connection I didn’t understand, this… thing that gripped both of you like a vise. I didn’t get it, I hated it, hated you for bringing her into it almost as much as I hated that I couldn’t stop it.” All things I’d told Ang without reservation. “And I’d been gone so much, it made sense, she chose drugs over me, why not eventually choose my best friend? The one who was there when I wasn’t?”
Andrew looked away.
Ang reached for my hand and squeezed.
“The thing is…” I dug my heels into the sand and looked out at the horizon. “You’re right, I blamed everyone but me. Hated everyone for my own damn brokenness not realizing that I helped create it. I played victim — when I was the culprit.”
Andrew riveted his gaze on our joined hands, then quickly averted his eyes back to the ocean.
This wasn’t going to end with handshakes, high fives, and tears, at least not on his end.
It wasn’t the ending you hold your breath for on TV or when you read books — it was life.
And when life kicks you in the ass.
Sometimes words can’t fix it.
Sometimes silence is your only option so you don’t ruin it further with your words.
Andrew finally stood and whispered under his breath so low I almost didn’t hear it. “Good talk.”
He walked off, shoving his hands into his pockets as the sun started to set around us.
I faced Ang, afraid I’d see hurt in her eyes.
Instead only understanding.
“We left it in the ocean.” She sighed before wrapping her arms around me. “We can talk about it — or we can move past it—”
“It’s my fault,” I choked out. “We lost so much.” Tears filled my eyes. “I just couldn’t see past…” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Myself.”
“You are quite a big deal,” Ang teased running her hands through my hair.
“I never deserved you. And even after everything, I still don’t. Never will.” I admitted, “But I’ll fight for you. For us.” I gripped her wrists with my hands and pressed a kiss to her skin, then grabbed her hand and kissed the inside of her bird tattoo. “I swear, I’ll fight for us.”
“I don’t need you to.” Ang’s eyes shone. “Because I already fought for me and won, and so did you. Now, we just do it together.”
“Together.” I kissed her reverently as she snaked her arms around my neck and opened her mouth to me, and finally, as the wind picked up and settled around our bodies I felt it.
The dread disappeared.
The peace was back.
We stopped kissing, and walked hand in hand back toward set, and in the distance, I could have sworn I saw Andrew turn to us and smile.
BY THE TIME we made it back to set most of the chaos had died down. Andrew was back, but he was still lurking in the corner, his eyes downcast but not as lost as when he’d first gotten to Seaside.
Alec and Demetri had started a bonfire down by the ocean.
All of us just followed, like we knew the fire was for us, like we were in need of the calm the heat would bring.
Even Andrew eventually ventured over after Jay said something.
Demetri had his ever-present guitar.
Alec had his.
And then Zane said something like, “Oh, look what I have here.”
“Any other instruments we should know about?” I said casually.
“Don’t!” Demetri waved his hands in the air. “Don’t give him the perfect set up to take off his pants, not when he’s finally wearing them.”
Zane just shrugged.
I leaned back into the sand and closed my eyes for a few seconds.
Everything fell silent.
So I opened one eye and then another.
A guitar was being held over my head.
“Are you going to hit me with it?” I asked considering it was Andrew who was holding it.
“The thought occurred at least a dozen times,” he admitted in a cold voice. “But it’s a nice guitar, it would be a shame if it had to wear your ugly mug the rest of its life.”
“Hah.” Zane laughed. “I’m so glad we didn’t kill you.”
“Say what?” Ty choked.
Demetri groaned.
Slowly, I took the guitar from Andrew’s outstretched hands and sat up.
I strummed a few chords.
Demetri followed.
And then Zane handed his guitar to Andrew.
He’d been the lead guitarist, while I was the lead singer; we both played, but he was always better. Always.
Andrew swallowed, biting down on his lower lip before he took the guitar and strummed along with us.
Ty grabbed his drumsticks and started pounding against a bucket.
And before we knew it.
We were having an impromptu jam session.
Jay jumped to his feet, ran like hell way from us, only to run back with a smaller camera. “Don’t stop.”
A few of the extra’s stopped by and sat behind us.
And the filming began.
And to think, none of us had any lines.
Maybe we didn’t need them.
Not when life had handed us enough words, enough living, that we did just that.
We lived.
Survived.
And let people watch us as we picked up from every last fall and kept walking.
“We have come so far…” I sang, “To ever stop, even when the road is dark—”
The fire roared to life in front of me.
I kept singing while the rest of the guys joined in.
And just like that.
We filmed the music video for the film.
One take.
And Jay looked ready to hand himself an academy award for music composition.
“So.” Zane leaned forward. “About the Tour, Will.”
My eyebrows shot up. “What about it?”
“I had this… idea.” Zane’s eyes flickered around the group. “Something epic, something big… a once in a lifetime show.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m listening.”
“Adrenaline — the United Tour, featuring, AD2, and myself. We’ll stop at only the major US Cities, Take a month off, then Berlin, London, Hong-Kong…”
I felt like I couldn’t speak.
So, when Andrew said, “Maybe.”
And both Ty and Trevor’s eyes lit up.
I knew.
It was time.
I grabbed Ang’s hand and nodded. “I’ll make some calls.”
“Oh, one more thing…” Zane grinned. “I want extra marshmallows added to my contract.”
“You’re a freak.” I laughed.
“But I bring in the zillions, man, come on.” Zane started taking off his pants.
Thankfully, Fallon was there to deter him with her mouth.
They started kissing.
“Families tour with us.” I swallowed, locking eyes with all the guys. “None of this groupie bullshit.”
Ty groaned.
“Unless you’re single.
He perked back up.
Ang laid her head on my shoulder and sighed.
“What do you say?” I whispered, “Come on tour with me… again?”
“Hmmm.” She grinned up at me, “On one condition.”
“Anything.”
“You sure about that?”
IT WAS MIDNIGHT by the time we made it back home. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and just… exist.
And then Will started taking my clothes off, and I forgot all about existing on my own, and began to think about licking my way down his body instead, or up, I wasn’t picky.
“Mmm.” I groaned when his lips slid down my neck. “That feels nice.”
“You feel nice,” he murmured stealing another kiss. “I love you.�
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“Say it again.”
“I love you.”
I couldn’t help the sleepy smile that spread across my face at his words. Or the desire to press my palm against his chest. And when he gripped my fingers like a lifeline, unbridled passion flickered across his handsome features as the lean muscles of his stomach seemed to ripple in the moonlight. I couldn’t resist the feeling of power it gave me to know… that expression was for me.
He leaned down and mapped my body with his tongue, I whined when he stopped and lifted his gaze to mine, a wicked smile teased his lips.
“More,” I pleaded.
“Thought you were tired.” He started to pull away.
I hooked my legs around his waist forcing him closer. “Never too tired for your kiss.”
My legs tangled with his as he picked me up with one fell swoop and walked me out to the balcony.
I tried to hide my disappointment when he grabbed a blanket and then sat me on his lap.
Both of us still naked.
And I could feel his arousal pressed against me, I just wanted more, more of him, more of the moment.
A perfect ending to the day.
“You made me hate the stars,” Will whispered. “They reminded me of your eyes… so clear, so pretty.” He shuddered beneath me. “So I hated them, because I hated you.”
I stiffened.
“Hate. Such a strong word. A word I think you can only truly understand and use when you’ve loved like we have… and lost. Hate happens when there’s loss.”
I turned in his lap, my legs dangling off the side of the chair. “What do you think about the stars now?”
Will tucked my hair behind my ear and said in a husky voice, “I think they pale in comparison — to the real thing.”
“You gonna kiss me again, Will Sutherland?”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Nope. I had something else in mind.”
I hauled in a breath and tensed.
He explored my breasts, as he moved me, and nudged my knees apart. He invaded me. Filled me. My body gave way to his maddening movements. Waves of pleasure crashed, they pulsed.
I greedily took them all in.
Every sensation. Every feel of his muscled body as he focused on me and only me.
I wrestled with the need to touch him, as tremors built, causing me to gasp and grip his hands.
His voice quivered as he kissed down my back reverently, then rested his cheek against my skin. “Marry me.”
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