by A. M. Myers
“What’s with the briefcase?” I ask, nodding to the file as we meet at the kitchen table. She takes a sip of her water before grinning at me.
“Sit down and I’ll show you.”
“You’re so damn bossy,” I grumble as I pull the chair closest to me out and plop down in it. She sits across from me, flips the file open, folds her hands together, and flashes me a look that honestly terrifies me a little.
“What the hell are you up to?”
She grins. “Do you remember last week when we talked about you having a baby?”
“Um… I remember saying I would think about it.”
“Perfect,” she replies, slapping her hand on the table in front of me before grabbing the top paper off of the stack and placing it in front of me. “We’re thinking about it.”
Arching a brow, I pick up the paper and roll my eyes. The title is “Your Reproductive Health and Your Growing Family” and I don’t need to read anymore. “Are you kidding me? Is that whole folder about having a baby?”
“Yes. I found lots of good information on the internet.”
Jesus take the wheel…
“Edie… I think this is a little premature. I haven’t even decided if I’m going to do this yet.”
She scowls at me as she slaps another paper down in front of me. “But how can you decide without all the information?”
“With my heart?” I ask, squinting because I know that is never going to fly and she scoffs before slapping another paper down in front of me.
“Read.”
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
She shakes her head and I sigh as I grab the latest paper she put in front of me. Scanning the headline, I turn to her with narrowed eyes.
“I am not over thirty,” I say, shaking the paper all about how fertility starts declining after thirty. “I’m twenty-nine, Eden.”
Shrugging, she takes a sip of her water. “Close enough. Your birthday is next month and you can’t be too prepared.”
“I’m not doing this.” I drop the paper on the table and scoot my chair back, ready to get up and go back to what I was doing before Eden barged in but she reaches out and grabs my hand, stopping me. I meet her gaze. “What?”
“Just read the information, Piper. You need to know this stuff before you make your decision.”
I shake my head. “Why? Why do I need to know all this stuff?”
“What if you decide you want to have a baby and then start researching only to realize you can’t for one reason or another? Then your heart is going to be broken and I don’t want to see you get hurt so read,” she orders, pointing to the paper in front of me and I scoop it up.
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this shit,” I whisper, thumbing through the papers Eden shoved in my hands. I eye the large stack of papers still in the file as I blow out a breath. She may claim that she wants me to consider the possibility but considering the massive amount of information on alternative ways to get pregnant in this folder, I would say she has moved past the “let’s think about this” phase. I read through the three pieces of paper and just before I finish the final one, she sets a stack down in front of me. Looking up at her, I sigh. Am I really going to let Eden talk me into this? This is insane and without the husband and the family, is this really what I want? Closing my eyes, an image of a baby pops into my mind and warmth spreads through my chest and a smile crosses my face. No, I definitely do want to have a baby but doing it alone isn’t exactly the dream I had for myself.
On the night of our wedding, Wyatt and I drove out to the river where he proposed and talked for hours about everything we wanted, the life we wanted to build together, and our dreams for the future. Having a couple kids running around the house was at the top of that list and even though we’re not together, even thinking about doing this without him feels a little bit like I’m betraying him. Back when we were together, I used to dream about the day I could finally tell him that I was pregnant, that we were starting a family together. Now, as I think about doing this by myself, his absence in my life and in this whole process is immense. I suppose that’s nothing new though. Since the day I left, I’ve carried around this huge gaping hole where my heart used to be but it’s just something I have to live with now. I made so many mistakes and I can’t ever take them back.
“Hello?! Earth to Piper!” Eden says and I blink as I meet her eyes.
“Huh?”
Her eyes roll back in her head. “I asked you what you thought.”
I glance down at the paper in my hand and shake my head before looking through some of the other papers. After flipping through page after page on reproductive health, pregnancy statistics, and other options for starting a family, I sigh.
“I can’t focus on this much information at once, Eden. It’s like gibberish and my mind is running at a hundred miles an hour.”
She nods and pulls a notepad out of her purse before tossing it onto the table in front of me. “I thought you might say that so I made bullet points.”
“You had this the whole time and you’re just now giving it to me?” I ask, picking up the notepad and waving it around. She nods.
“I wanted you to have everything you might need to make this decision.”
I do a quick scan of the information printed on the front page of the notepad before looking up at her. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Why is this so important to you?”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears as she looks down at the table. “Because I love you and you have this tendency to live in fear. You let it paralyze you and until someone pushes you, you don’t grow or move forward. I know how badly you want to have a family and so I’m going to push you because I think, in the end, you’ll thank me for it.”
“Eden,” I whisper as a tear streaks down my face. I wish she wasn’t one hundred percent correct but I know she is. After everything that I’ve been through, it’s the way I protect myself but I know I need people like her in my life to push me past what feels safe. “Okay. Lay this out for me?”
She nods as she grabs the notepad and sets it on the table between the two of us. “So, as far as I can tell, your options to have a family without a man in your life is to use a sperm donor or adoption.”
“I figured as much but the real question is what is the cost?”
Wincing, she flips to the second page of the notebook and slides it across the table to me.
Adoption:
$35,000 - $50,000
“Jesus Christ,” I snap, glancing up at her with wide eyes as she nods, looking guilty.
“I know. When I saw that number I about passed out.”
My heart drops and glance back down at the paper. “There is no way in hell I can afford that, Eden. Like ever.”
How does that make any kind of sense? There are children who desperately need homes and I want to give them that and all the love they can handle but I still can’t adopt a child unless I take out so many loans I’ll never recover or win a small lottery.
“Just keep reading,” she instructs and I take a deep breath as I move to the next line.
Sperm Bank & IUI:
$4,000
Well, I guess it’s not impossible but it’s still a large amount of money for me. Eden and I do well with our studio but we’re not rich by any means. Wringing my hands together, I shake my head.
“Maybe I could squeeze that. I’d have to save up for a little while, though.”
“Well…” Eden squeaks and my head jerks up.
“What?”
She winces again. “That number is per cycle of IUI and the chances that you’ll get pregnant are only about twenty percent, at best.”
It’s fucking impossible.
“Are there any other options?”
“Um… yes… there is IVF, which has a higher success rate but… it’s way more expensive.”
I nod as my chest aches. “How expensive?”
“So, it’s hopeless, then?”
“No,” she whispers, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. Sitting up, I look at her. “You could… I don’t know… join a dating site or something. Ooh, or maybe an ad on craigslist.”
“For what?” I hiss, shaking my head as a tear falls down my cheek. “A baby daddy? I’m sure that will go over well as long as I don’t get murdered first.”
She shakes her head as tears fill her eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Piper. I didn’t know how expensive all this stuff was when I suggested it to you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone and all of this will be a moot point.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoff, shaking my head as more tears fall down my cheeks. Pulling my hand out of her grasp, I prop my elbows up on the table and hide my face as a sob overwhelms me. God, I’m such an idiot. Why the hell did I ever walk away from everything? Closing my eyes, I can picture the life I could have had with Wyatt and it kills me to know that I was stupid enough to lose all that. I can imagine our boys who would have looked just like him and our girls who would have thought their daddy hung the moon and stars. I can imagine Friday movie night on the couch and Sunday dinners around the table and so much love that the void of it in my life, even if it is fictional, is soul crushing.
Eden’s arms wrap around me from behind but I can’t stop the aching sobs coming out of my mouth now as images of a life I left behind flash through my mind. It’s not something I do often, as a means of self-preservation, but as the tears fall, I imagine what Wyatt is doing now. The last time I saw him, he seemed happy and I can’t help but wonder if he went out and found everything he wanted out of life. Maybe, in the end, his life got better when I walked out of it. As much as it hurts, as much as I want to scream into the void to release some of this agony, I hope that is the case. I hope he met someone new, fell in love, and started the family he always wanted.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I say as I sit up and wipe at my eyes even though tears are still dripping down my cheeks. “It’s just been one of those days, you know?”
She hugs me tighter. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand and we’re not giving up, okay? We’ll find a way.”
Before I can respond to her, the alarm on my phone goes off and I whisper a curse as I remember my support group is tonight. I wiggle out of Eden’s arms and run to the kitchen to grab it off the counter. As I turn the alarm off, I wipe the tears from my face and pull a shaky breath into my lungs as I try to rein in my tears and turn toward her.
“I’m so sorry. I totally forgot my group is tonight.”
“Don’t even worry about it,” she says, brushing off my concern with a wave of her hand. “Say hi to Lillian for me and tell her we need to make plans for all three of us to get together soon.”
I nod as I close the distance between us and give her a hug. “I will.”
After I release her, she grabs her purse off of the table and waves good-bye before leaving. As soon as she’s gone, I rush upstairs and wash my face to try and combat some of the redness from crying before I put some mascara on and rush out of the apartment. I don’t particularly feel like going to my support group tonight but I’ve learned that nights like this one are when I need the group the most so I force myself to go. Truthfully, I’d much rather crawl under a blanket and eat a pint of chocolate ice cream but I know that’s not healthy.
Traffic isn’t bad as I make my way across town and my mind wanders to everything I learned today about having a baby and tears sting my eyes again but I force them back. I am not going to start crying again. I refuse. Shaking my head, I run through the figures Eden had written down and sigh. When I checked my bank account this afternoon, I had four hundred dollars in checking and twelve hundred in savings - not even half of what it would run me to try a cycle of IUI. It would take me, at least, six months to save up enough for the first round and there is still an eighty percent chance it wouldn’t even work and I don’t even want to think about how long I’d have to save for the IVF. Maybe, I just have to accept the fact that when I left Wyatt, I was walking away from more than just my husband.
I pull into the parking lot of the building where the support group is held and park in the front before staring up at the building. My chest aches and every cell in my body wants desperately to turn around and just go home. I can’t do this today - not when it feels like my entire body is a giant open wound and I have to walk through a salt mine - but maybe it will be better tomorrow. Or not. Who fucking knows anyway? Dr. Brewer always tells me that things will get easier with time and yeah, most days, I am okay but days like today when the magnitude of mistakes comes crashing down on me and the pain is so intense that I feel like I can’t breathe, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better.
“Piper!” a voice calls and I take a deep breath as I turn to look at my friend, Lillian, forcing a smile to my face. Her face falls as she studies mine. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t go in there today.”
“What happened?”
I shake my head because I do not want to talk about it but I already know that this is not going to slide with Lillian. We met at one of the worst times in my life and she has always had my back. Between her and Eden, I built myself a little family to lean on during the bad days and I am always so grateful for their presence in my life.
“You know what? I’m fucking starving. You wanna go grab some food?” she asks and I nod as relief rushes through me.
“I could eat.”
Grinning, she rounds the back of the car and slides into the passenger seat before buckling her seat belt. I back out of the parking space and glance back at the building to see Dr. Brewer frowning at me, her arms crossed over her chest, and her glasses slipping down her nose. She is going to chew me out when I go in for my next appointment but this feels right. I’m not in the right head space to go share all this fresh pain with the group but talking to one of my best friends about it is still better than hiding under the covers and wishing the rest of the world would go away.
“So, where are we going?”
I smile as I pull out onto the street. “I’m feeling nostalgic. How does Sunrise Diner sound?”
“Perfect. We haven’t been back there since…”
“I know,” I say, cutting her off with a nod. With the state I’m in, I’d rather not think about the last time I was at Sunrise Diner and instead focus on the security I always felt there.
“So… we gonna talk about what’s bugging you so much today?”
Sighing, I nod. “Eden suggested that I look into having a baby on my own last week and today, she brought over a bunch of information about my options.”
“Oh. It didn’t go well.”
“It did not,” I confirm, shaking my head. “Everything is so expensive that I would have to save for years and by then, who knows if I could even get pregnant.”
“Aw, babe. I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t any sort of consolation but you’ll always have me, no matter what happens.”
I smile as I glance over at her. “You know, that’s exactly what Eden said.”
“You know why?” she asks, her lips stretching into a smile that I know all too well and I laugh as I shake my head.
“Oh, no. Don’t you dare do it.”
She pats out a little beat on her thighs. “‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anybody could have… Come on, Pippy. Sing it with me.”
“Hell, no,” I say, giggling as she pats her legs harder and continues singing.
“We’re the three best friends that anyone could have. Wolfpack howl, Piper! Do it with me!”
She throws her head back and lets out a howl. Laughing, I tip my head back as I copy her, most of my stress melting away as we pull into the parking lot of the Sunrise Diner. As I park the car, I turn
to her and smile.
“Thanks, Lil. This is exactly what I needed.”
She smiles. “Anytime, girl. You know that.”
Chapter Five
Wyatt
“She’s fucking haunting me,” I whisper to myself, staring down at the divorce papers on top of my desk as they taunt me with their presence. Last I checked, those papers were stuffed into the bottom drawer of my desk so I wouldn’t have to look at them or think about them and yet, here they are, tormenting me and I can’t force myself to look away as an all too familiar pain pierces my chest and a memory from the day these showed up in the mail assaults me. I hadn’t heard from Piper in six years and I thought I was moving on with my life when a scrawny kid knocked on my door and told me I was served. The rest of that week is a blur because I don’t think I stopped drinking long enough to even begin to sober up until Storm came over and told me to get my shit together. I threw the papers in the desk and told myself I would deal with them later but later never came.
Staring at her signature at the bottom of the page, I blow out a breath and shake my head. How? Even after all these years, I don’t understand how could she take everything we had, everything we were starting to build together and just throw it all away on some fucking guy. I sink into the chair and lean my head back, running my hand over my face before I unlock my phone and pull up the email she sent me during that deployment that shook my world and ruined everything.
Wyatt,
This isn’t working for me anymore and I met someone new.
Take care of yourself.