by Me, Tara Sue
Number three made her laugh. Sometimes she wanted “Extended play lasting for days. Sometimes.” Because she had enjoyed being a slave, just not all the time.
Four: “Bossy when not in a scene.” The truth was the truth and there was no need to deny or pretend otherwise. It was time she stopped trying to please everyone because it would never happen.
Five: “Alone time” Sometimes she had to have it and that was that. Anyone who wanted to be with her long term would have to learn to live with it. Bottom line.
She felt a little depressed when she looked over the list. There was too much there and some of it seemed to contradict itself. But there she was on paper and it left her sad because there was no way anybody could agree to all those things. No way one person could check all the boxes she needed checked.
Especially Fritz. He would not be happy agreeing to everything she needed. He’d made it clear back when she was in Berlin that he wanted twenty-four, seven. She sighed and went back to packing. If she had learned nothing else in life, she had learned she could not be what she wasn’t. She’d tried for eight years and failed.
She would rather be alone by herself than with somebody and not be herself.
* * *
The next Friday morning she stood in the offices of Luke’s club and said goodbye to everyone. It was almost noon and though she had planned on leaving earlier, Luke’s admin had brought cake. And she couldn’t leave until they had cake, could she?
Everyone had finished and only Fritz remained with her.
“Well,” she said, looking over the empty room. “I guess that’s that.”
“Are you leaving now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “If I leave now, I can get home before dark. Tonight, I'll sleep in my own bed. Heaven, know what I mean?”
He shook his head. “I travel so much, I’m not sure what my bed feels like anymore.”
She couldn’t imagine. “Listen, about us…” She didn’t know how to say what she wanted and before she could decide, he spoke.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was wrong and out of line.”
“No, you were right. You did what you thought best for me, to help me see the error of my ways. After thinking on what you said about how I wasn’t able to talk to Cole the way I should? I knew you were right and I thought I should apologize to him. Let him know that the entire break up wasn't his fault, like I’d claimed. I was in the relationship, too.
“I went by to talk to him, but he was out and I ended up talking to Sasha. She’s very smart and gave me a lot to think about. I really like her.”
“She's very smart and she loves him completely. Cole’s a lucky man.”
That hurt worse than she wanted to admit. “Yes,” she said. “He deserves that.”
“Everybody does, Kate.”
He looked as if he wanted to say something else and she waited.
He shook his head. “I hope more than anything you find what it is you’re looking for.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, but as he walked away, she couldn’t help but feel as if she already had and she’d just let it slip out of her fingers.
* * *
A few days after Kate had left, Fritz had dinner with Cole and Sasha. They were a fun couple. Talking with Cole had always been enjoyable, the man was very knowledgeable and had a lot of world experience. He was getting to know Sasha more and the more he did, the more he discovered she was quite the conversationalist.
He remembered the Cole he’d mentored. How he used to wonder if he’d ever find a woman who would take him as he was. Fritz had always believed his friend had found her in Kate. But now, seeing him with Sasha, the differences between the relationships were obvious.
After eating, they moved to the living room. Sasha had been sitting beside Cole, but after a while she scooted down to sit at his feet. Cole ran his fingers though her hair and she sighed in contentment and leaned against his legs.
He couldn’t help but to feel jealous at the sight of the couple. Not that he wanted Sasha, he was jealous of their relationship. He wanted that. Wanted to find that contentment and that love with someone.
Okay he lied, not someone. He wanted that with Kate. He’d never seen himself as the type to settle down, but with her, he could.
As if reading his thoughts, Cole asked, “How’s it going in the office with Kate gone?”
“We miss her,” he said. “She was fun and jovial. Not to mention, she brought a breath of fresh air. Too much testosterone is never a good thing.”
Sasha laughed.
"I can agree with you on that," Cole said. "How did you leave it between the two of you?"
“How do you think? She’s still trying to decide what she wants. I’m not going to do anything to get in her way of doing that.”
“I don't suppose you told her how you’ve felt about her for the last few years?”
Fuck, was he serious? He thought he’d just drop that on her as she drove off?
“No, you don’t have to answer that,” Cole said. “I can see the answer on your face.”
“What do you expect, Cole?” He asked. “That I was going to just blurt it out? It’s not that easy.”
“It's not supposed to be easy,” his friend said. “But how do you expect her to decide anything without having all the information?”
“She has plenty of information. We talked a few times about what she wanted and what she should do. She also mentioned having a conversation with Sasha before she left.”
He’d done the right thing. Telling Kate about his feelings for her wouldn’t have made anything better. It would only confuse her more.
“Come here, little one,” Cole said, and Sasha climbed into his lap. “Tell me what you and Kate discussed that day before I got home.”
Fritz had the distinct impression he knew what the women had discussed and he was only asking her for his benefit.
“I shared with her a little about what I went through before you,” Sasha said. “How I tried to ignore who I really was and how miserable I felt. How I finally faced my fear because I couldn’t live without that part of myself anymore.”
Cole cupped her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb. “My brave, fierce girl.”
“I told her she had to figure out for herself what she could and could not live without.”
“Did she understand, little one?”
“Yes, Master. I believe she did. She said she had a lot of thinking to do.”
Cole gave her a quick kiss. “Thank you, little one. Why don’t you go prepare a bath for us? I’ll be right there.”
After she disappeared down the hall, Cole turned to him. “I can see your point about it not being the right time and agree Kate needs time to think, but you owe it to yourself and to her to let her know how you feel. And if you don’t.” He shook his head. “Then you don’t deserve her.”
12
Four Months Later
Kate stood in front of the mirror in her hotel room and double checked her suit. She thought she looked fantastic, and even though the job opportunity wouldn’t be given to her because of her looks, it never hurt in her opinion.
It was rather funny she was back in Berlin so soon. She'd neither planned nor anticipated returning. In fact, her presence in the city was coincidental. She’d received an email about joining the international group whose purpose was to determine acceptable international guidelines. As she advanced in the selection process, she'd been told to expect a meeting with an executive member in London. She accepted the interview offer that soon followed. It would be the first group of its kind and they wanted her.
Last week, she received a call from her contact changing the location to Berlin. Unexpected relocation due to a family emergency, she'd been told. It had surprised Kate, but the group could adjust her airline tickets. More importantly, she thought with a half laugh; she had a hotel room.
She didn’t know if Fritz was in town. He’d sent her a few texts after she got home f
rom Wilmington, but she hadn’t replied. Clean breaks were the best and since they didn’t want the same things, it didn’t seem fair to pretend otherwise. He eventually stopped sending them.
She’d almost replied last week when she found out she’d be in Berlin, but what would be the point? Nothing could come of it except heartache.
After weeks of thinking about it, she never changed her list of things she needed. Yes, it would be hard to find someone who could meet them all, and if she never found him, that was okay. The important thing was, she knew she wouldn’t settle for anything less.
The phone in her room rang.
“Hello,” she answered.
“Ms. Herrington,” the front desk staff member said. “Your car is here.”
“Thank you. I’ll be right down.”
She had an interview to go to. Thoughts of Fritz would have to wait.
* * *
Eight hours later, the woman across from her stood and shook her hand. “Thank you for coming to Berlin, Kate. I appreciate it.”
“It was no problem.” When she first heard she had to fly so far for an interview, she’d thought it was odd, but now after such a long day, she saw why. She was also glad she had a few days before flying home.
“The partners have a meeting tomorrow morning, so I should be able to let you know something definitive tomorrow afternoon.”
“I look forward to hearing from you.”
She said her goodbyes and left the building, but instead of catching a cab back to the hotel, she walked for a bit. She’d stayed inside all day and she needed fresh air. Not to mention some space to think.
The weather was nippy and she was thankful for the thin sweater she’d brought just in case. Wrapping it around her shoulders, she crossed the street and walked in the general area of her hotel.
She’d gone a few blocks when she saw a street name she thought sounded familiar. Why would it? She kept walking and it hit her. It was the street Fritz’s BDSM club was on. She went faster, trying to remember the street number and hoping she was going in the right direction.
Up ahead she saw a crowd of people gathering around a window. Curious, she hurried closer. From what she could gather, there was a live display taking place in the window. Unfortunately the people in front of her were tall, so she couldn’t see well. Eventually, the person in front of her stepped away, and she gasped. It was the club. Fritz’s.
Club members were taking turns being the window display. What they were doing, she wasn't sure, but it looked like some sort of organized play.
She should walk away. She had never been a voyeur because watching had never turned her on, in fact she typically found it uncomfortable. But they weren’t having sex and it was his club. He belonged here. She tried to get a sense of him, to see if she could feel him. But she couldn't.
The players in the window were wrapping up. A few people walked away, She should go as well. There was no reason to stay. She turned away, but right as she prepared to take the first step, the crowd shifted, drawing her closer to the window and cheering. Curiosity got the best of her and she looked up and into the window to see what or who caused such a stir.
Fritz. Standing and looking all kinds of magnificat, just as he had back in Delaware. He was shirtless, and she feasted on the sight of his expansive chest, with those delectably defined ab muscles. But his arms were crossed and he had a dour expression. A submissive, scantly clad and kneeling at his feet, held his attention.
She should go, she really should. She couldn't stand down here and watch him scene with a submissive. But her feet refused to move.
He spoke to the submissive. She could tell by the way his lips moved, but of course with the window, she couldn’t hear what he said. Off to the corner, another man stood. His stance matched Fritz's with crossed arms and a matching frosty expression. He watched the couple like everyone else, but with a curious look in his eye. He said something to Fritz and suddenly, she knew what was going on.
Fritz had told one time he had a side job working with submissives in need of discipline. This must be one of those cases.
Which meant, she really did not want to watch. She stepped around the guy standing to her left, but tripped over the woman at his side when she glanced over her shoulder for one last glance at Fritz.
“Sorry,” she said to the woman.
“It’s no problem,” she said in heavily accented English. “He is magnificent, no?”
Her face heated and she didn’t have to ask who the woman was talking about. “Yes, he is.”
"Such a pity."
Kate, who had been hell-bent on leaving, stopped in her tracks. “What?”
“This is such a pity.”
“Such a pity, what?” She asked.
“That you won’t be seeing anything other than a great discipline scene,” she said. “You won’t be able to appreciate the rest of his magnificent body. Something happened when he was in the States some months ago. And since he came back, he hasn’t been the same.”
Kate's ears buzzed and she asked the woman to repeat what she’d said.
She nodded, apparently happy to gossip. “He came back from the states, and ever since, he will participate in scenes, but not any that end in sex.”
“Why not?” Kate asked, refusing to look his way.
“Rumor is, a woman over there broke his heart. Some say he’s saving himself for her. Others say that he has lost the passion to play with anybody except her.” She shrugged. “To be honest, no one knows what happened in America except for him. We try to respect this. Only I wish we could find the woman and bring her back. So we could get him back.”
Kate didn't want to hear anything else. It couldn’t be her. Surely it was someone else. She couldn’t be the reason behind Fritz’s change. “I’m sorry to hear that,” she said to the woman. “I hope he finds her. Excuse me, please.”
She stepped away, more careful this time and refused to look over her shoulder. She made it back to the street corner and flagged down a cab. Suddenly, she couldn’t get back to her room fast enough.
* * *
Fritz packed his bag and prepared to go home. He had just finished a scene where he’d had to discipline a submissive and he was not in good headspace. To be honest, he had not been a good anything since he came back from the United States. That was his problem, though, and he planned to work through it alone. Part of that plan meant going home now as opposed to finding a willing partner to play with.
“Herr Brose,” a club Domme greeted him as she entered the office shared by all the Tops. He nodded, not in the mood to talk, but not wanting to be rude, either.
“I saw your discipline scene,” she said and he grunted a response, hoping she’d get the message he didn’t want to talk.
“Of course,” she continued. “I missed the beginning because of the American woman standing next to me.”
If she’d been looking for a way to get his attention, that was it. “American woman?”
“Yes.”
It was no strange thing to have an American woman in Berlin. Numerous Americans stood outside the club everyday watching them in the windows. But there was something in the way she mentioned this particular American woman. Although what it was, he wasn’t sure. What made this one so special, she felt she should bring her up to him?
“I saw her standing and watching at first and she only caught my eye because I thought she acted nervous. Looking around, as if she expected to see somebody here. And once your scene started, she turned to leave. But she ran right into me.”
It was nobody. He knew that. Nobody and it could not possibly be her. Even though he thought it was sweet the Domme was on the lookout for him, he knew the gossip going around. The sad fact was, there was no reason at all for Kate to be in Berlin. None. In fact, he would bet Berlin was the last place she wanted to be. Ever.
“I know it's been difficult since I’ve been back,” he said. “I have a few things to work through, but I'll be back to my
original self before too long.”
She nodded. “You know if there is anything you need, all of us would do it for you.”
“I know,” he said, and he did. He had good friends.
“You don’t think it was her, tonight, do you?”
“No, I don’t.”
She nodded and he left.
He drove home hating the way he couldn’t get the conversation out of his mind. Hated that it took just one conversation to ensure he could only think about her for the rest of the evening.That it was almost as if she resided in the house with him.
She was there while he took a shower and he wanted so badly to pleasure himself to the vision of her in his head. But he refused.
She was with him as he ate, sitting across the table and chatting with him about baseball.
She with him in his bed, curling her lithe body around his, even as he tucked her in his arms.
Though part of him hated that she had taken over some of his mind, he loved it too, because without the feeling of her presence, he would lose the last tie to her.
All he could do was to continue as best he could. Hoping one day she’d reach out to him and he’d find the strength to let her go once and for all.
* * *
Someone was knocking at his door.
Fritz looked at the clock by his bed with a groan. Two thirty-eight. Who the hell was knocking on his door at two thirty-eight in the morning? His head pounded and he realized it was more than just the insistent knocking that bothered him. Based on the empty bottles he scattered across the table, he’d attempted to drink Kate out of his mind last night.
Which obviously didn’t work because when he looked out the window to see who dared to make so much noise in the middle of the damn night, it looked like Kate. He ran his hand through his hair. Fuck, he was a mess. Now he was imagining her at his door.
He turned out the light and went back to bed.