He shakes his head. “You can’t stay in bed, because then I’ll stay in bed.”
“Oh, I’m gonna. And then I’ll make you waffles with syrup and whipped cream and give you a presentation on why self-inflicted torture, also know as the gym, isn’t the answer. You’ll be a believer with a big belly by the time I’m through with you.”
Knox laughs and puts an arm around me, pulling me close. “I’ll tell the guys they can come talk to you when I’m too slow to do my job anymore.”
“Or…we can compromise. We both work out together our own way and then go out for breakfast together. Manny makes a fantastic veggie omelet; you’re gonna love it.”
“Perfect.” He grabs his hoodie and car keys from the cubbie we stashed our stuff in, passing me my hoodie. “And I’m only teasing, babe. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
I’m quiet as we both put our sweatshirts on and walk to the parking deck where Knox left his Audi SUV. I know he means what he said. Knox is so different from Eric.
Eric used to tell me baking wasn’t a real job; Knox brags about my work to everyone we see. In bed, Eric liked the lights off and wanted me to be quiet; Knox prefers to be able to see me and he loves it when I can’t hold back my cries of pleasure. Eric made biting comments about how all the food I ate at work would catch up with me and I needed a workout regimen; Knox told me he doesn’t care what I do at the gym, he just wants my company when he goes on the days he doesn’t have practice.
Knox has never let me down, even in a small way. If he’s running late, he texts and tells me why. No matter how late it is and how tired he is, he calls me after every game he plays to say goodnight and tell me he misses me. Part of me revels in it; another part of me can’t help wondering if it’ll last. The more I come to rely on him, the more it’ll hurt if he decides to stop working so hard at this thing we’re not calling a relationship.
“You’re quiet,” Knox says as he drives out of the parking deck.
“I’m just so exhausted from that workout,” I say, grinning.
“I guarantee you burned more calories in bed last night.” He glances over at me, winks and adds, “And this morning.”
“It was a lot more fun, too.”
Knox puts his hand on my knee. “There’s one downside, though. I’m finding out I can’t lift as heavy on mornings we have sex.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m not used to getting off in the morning, and being pent up helps me with lifting.”
“So no more morning sex?”
Knox glances at me, his brows lowered. “I didn’t say that. I think I’m just gonna have to accept not lifting as heavy on those days.”
“Good.”
On our drive to Magnolia, Knox talks about the game his team is playing tomorrow night against Austin. He tells me the names of the players he’ll be watching most closely, and who’s vulnerable because they’re still not one hundred percent after being injured.
“I had no idea you followed that stuff,” I say.
“Oh, yeah. I read all the blogs and sports pages every morning, and our defensive coach stays on top of all that, too.”
“You’re really good at what you do.” I warm with pride, patting his hand, which is still on my knee.
He shrugs. “It’s self-preservation, I guess. There’s always someone waiting in the wings to take your job if you’re not playing at the highest level.”
A stab of guilt hits me. “And that’s why you work out even on your off days and you’re kinda careful about not eating sweets.”
“Yeah.”
“I wasn’t thinking about it that way. I’ll support you in those things instead of giving you shit.”
He takes my hand in his, grinning. “I like that you give me shit, Reese. Don’t ever change.”
I sigh softly. “I know what it’s like to be with someone who doesn’t see why you have to do the things you do.”
“You’re not like that.”
“Eric was always after me to get a ‘real job’ instead of baking.” I emphasize the words with air quotes. “He wanted me to go back to school to become a CPA and come work at his accounting firm.”
Knox cringes. “I can’t see you being happy doing that.”
“No. My work was my outlet then, in a big way.”
A text from Mia Petrov pops up on my phone, and I read it to Knox.
Mia: Hey, want to come sit with the WAGS at the game Thursday night? We have dinner together before the games, please come.
I turn to Knox, a little perplexed by Mia’s invite. “What are the WAGS?”
He hesitates before saying, “Wives and girlfriends of the players.”
“Oh.”
“The wives just like you, that’s all. They’re not trying to make things sound more serious between us than they are.”
I don’t like the sound of that, even though I should, given my reservations about getting into another relationship.
“So you don’t want me to go?” I ask.
“No, I do.” He gives me a serious look. “I’d love for you to go. I just don’t want you freaking out.”
“Do I seem like the type who gets freaked out?”
Knox looks like a deer in headlights as I wait for an answer. I make him sweat for a few seconds and then laugh.
“Okay, maybe when it comes to dating stuff, I do get freaked out. But the game sounds fun.” I look back at the phone screen. “Oh, crap. I just remembered that I’ll be in New York Thursday and Friday.”
“New York?”
I wave a hand dismissively. I’ve been meaning to tell Knox about my job offer, but this isn’t how I wanted to do it. “Just a work thing.”
“That’s a long way to go for a work thing. Is it a class?”
I exhale slowly, trying to come up with the right words. “A friend of mine from culinary school is starting a new place there and he wants to talk to me about it.”
“Oh, that’s pretty cool. As long as you’re not gonna go work there.” He grins over at me, but his smile drops away when he sees my expression. “Reese?”
“He did offer me a job there, but nothing’s been decided.”
Knox stares straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel so hard the muscles in his forearms flex. “You’re going to New York for a job interview? And you weren’t planning to tell me?”
“I wasn’t trying to not tell you.”
“Oh, don’t start that word-mincing bullshit.”
I narrow my eyes, both indignant and shocked by his visceral reaction. “Since when do I have to clear things with you?”
“I never said you had to clear anything, Reese, but when you’re with someone, isn’t it common courtesy to tell them you might be moving far away?”
“So we’re with each other now? Because I wasn’t in on that conversation.”
Knox silently turns to look over his shoulder so he can parallel park in a spot near Magnolia. It’s closed until tonight, but the staff is meeting up to make breakfast together, and I’m bringing Knox to meet everyone.
Once his vehicle is positioned, he throws it into park and turns to me, his eyes dark with anger.
“What it is, then? We spend all our free time together, we don’t see other people, we fuck regularly and we love each other. If we aren’t together, then what would you call it? Cause I’m not a fucking twenty-year-old guy who ‘hangs out’ with women so I don’t have to be faithful.”
“Oh, aren’t you?” I raise my voice in challenge. “Because you told me in Kauai that you hadn’t had a relationship in years, and that it had lasted a couple months. Did you just not have sex after that, until you met me?”
He gives me an exasperated look. “Yeah, I had sex. But it was casual. One night, maybe two. It was nothing like what we have.”
“I told you I didn’t want a relationship.” Tears of frustration pool in my eyes.
“Yeah, so we don’t call it that. But that’s what it is, Reese.”
My emoti
ons rise hard and fast, spiraling out of control. “I’m not interested in your games, Knox. I told you I wasn’t ready, and you took it as a challenge.”
“You’ve never been a challenge to me,” he says hotly. “You know damn well you should’ve told me about this New York thing. Not asked me, but told me.”
I wipe my fingertips under my eye, clearing away the tears that wouldn’t stay put.
“I’m probably not taking the job. It’s just that it’s a dream job for me, and I have to at least go check it out. They’re starting a restaurant that will be staffed by homeless people overseen by chefs. I figured, why mention it when it’s probably not going to happen?”
He shakes his head. “If there was no way it was happening, you wouldn’t be going.”
“So what if I do go?” I cross my arms defiantly.
“Guess you’ll get what you always wanted. A life alone, where you never let anyone in again because you let Eric ruin every chance at happiness.”
I’m stunned into silence. Knox looks bitterly angry, a side of him I’ve never seen before. I knew he wouldn’t like that I’m considering the New York job, but I didn’t think he would take it this hard.
“We don’t have to go in and eat,” I say flatly, staring out my window at nothing.
“No, let’s go. We’re both hungry and you said Manny makes the best omelets.”
We both open our doors and get out, neither of us saying a word as we walk to Magnolia and go inside. We also don’t say a word to each other as everyone introduces themselves to Knox and the guys steal him away to talk hockey.
Somehow, we manage to get through the entire breakfast without speaking to each other. And also the ride home.
When Knox parks and walks me up to my door, I already have my key out and the building door open before he gets to the top of the stairs.
“Hey,” he says softly.
I turn away, fighting against the knot in my throat.
“Reese, will you look at me?”
I shake my head, not wanting him to see the tears in my eyes. He sighs deeply.
“I love you,” he says. “And I haven’t loved very many people in my life. I don’t want you to go. But I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed about it.”
“I need to go inside,” I say, because I know I’m about to burst into tears.
Love is like a wheel of colors, each one representing an emotion. And Knox brings all of them out of me. I’ve been sunshine yellow with joy, the brightest shade of pink with arousal and the deepest red with anger. Right now, though, I’m not sure what color I am. I just know I hate it.
“I need to be alone,” I say. “Just give me some time alone.”
I don’t know if I’m talking about now, for a few days, or forever. Alone is certainly easier, even if it’s not nearly as colorful.
“Okay,” Knox says. “Call me.”
Still not looking up, I nod and go inside the building, my back to him as I walk toward my apartment. And when I hear him jiggle the handle to make sure the building door locked behind me, the dam breaks and my eyes flood with tears.
Chapter Nineteen
Knox
I tug on the laces on my skates, trying to break them in before our game in an hour. I’ve been wearing them for practices for the past couple days, but they’re still too new for my taste. I don’t like any changes to my equipment or pregame routines.
And since I look busy, none of my teammates are talking to me, which is good because I’m in no mood. Reese hasn’t said a word to me since I dropped her off at her apartment Sunday morning, and it’s Thursday now. I’m about to play in the game Mia invited her to, which means she’s in fucking New York right now.
Anton’s quieter than usual, too. Everyone knows why. His brother Alexei’s long, public crash landing is continuing. Alexei was ranting about his team’s goalie to a reporter, and now his entire team is pissed at him. When we played Austin the other night, Anton told me to stay back from his brother because he wanted to be the one to ring his bell, and he did. They got into a fight on the ice that got them both bloodied faces and five-minute penalties.
“Hey, man,” I say to Anton. “Doing okay?”
He looks over at me, the cut above his eye still looking angry and slightly swollen. “Yeah.”
“How’s your brother?”
“Still a dumbass.”
I pick up my skates and move over to sit next to him as I pull the laces tight and loosen them again. “You can’t change him,” I tell Anton. “Even if changing is what he needs.”
Anton exhales heavily, his expression grim. “I know. It just pisses me off that he’s been given so many opportunities, and it seems like it’s all a game to him.”
“Some people have to fall on their asses to figure their shit out.”
“Yeah.” He turns to face me and speaks in a low tone. “Mia thought she was pregnant, but she’s not.”
“Oh, shit. And you guys wanted her to be?”
He nods. “The doctors have told her she can’t get pregnant, but she was more than a week late, and we thought maybe…but she’s not. She’s taking it pretty hard.”
“I’m sorry, man.” I put a hand on his shoulder.
“Thanks. Don’t say anything. Luca and Vic know, but I don’t want anyone else to find out.”
“I won’t say a word.”
He looks down at the ground. “It’s hard to be away from her when she’s hurting. That last road trip really sucked.”
“I had no idea.”
“Hey, Deveraux,” our defensive coach calls out across the locker room.
I stand up. “Yeah, coach?”
“I just got a message from the front office that you need to check your phone.”
My heart pounds with worry as I walk over to my locker and dig my phone out of my equipment bag. And once I look at the screen and see two missed calls from my mom and one from my sister, my heart practically stops.
I dial my sister, Faith. She answers in a hushed tone, sounding like she’s crying.
“Hey, I’m on my way to Mom and Dad’s,” she says. “Dad’s really bad. He took a turn for the worst fast. The doctors say he might not make it through tonight.”
“Shit.” I scrub a hand down my face. “Okay. I’m on my way.”
Numbly, I start taking off my equipment.
“What’s up?” Silas asks me, looking confused.
“It’s my dad. I have to go.”
“I’m sorry.” He helps me with one of my pads. “Is there anything we can do?”
“Just tell the coaching staff for me, okay? My dad’s in bad shape and I’m not waiting ‘til after the game to go.”
“No, I get it, man. Keep in touch, okay?”
“Yeah.”
I get back into my street clothes and pull a baseball cap down low, hoping to get out of the arena unnoticed. The Carson Center has lots of ways in and out, and I take a longer way out to avoid the crowd.
The whole time I’m jogging to the lot my car is in, I’m going back and forth between thinking about my dad and thinking about Reese.
I hope he’s not in any pain. I wish she could come with me. I hope he knows how much I love him. I hope she misses me as much as I miss her.
On the drive to the airport, which is so fucking slow because of traffic that it would’ve been faster to walk, I call Alice, an assistant from the team’s front office and ask her to set me up on the next available flight to South Carolina and text me the details.
Once that’s done, my mind goes back to Reese. I need to tell her. But how? I can’t text her about something so deeply personal. And I’m not calling her when she could be in the middle of a job interview, no matter how much I need her.
“Fuck!” I slam my hand into my steering wheel, despising every car between me and O’Hare.
If my dad dies and I’m not there with him, I don’t know how I’ll be able to forgive myself. My mom shouldn’t be alone right now. Even if she has friends there, Fa
ith and I are the ones who should be there with her when his time comes.
Out of nowhere, I start crying. I’m not ready for this. My dad has been strong and steady every day of my life. I can’t imagine a family holiday without him carving up the turkey. I wanted him to meet Reese, if she’s even staying with me at this point. I don’t know.
I feel lost. Once I get to the airport, I’ll have my shit pulled together. I’ll stay strong for my mom and Faith. But in this car, for the next few minutes, I’m gonna let myself cry for my dad. He doesn’t deserve this slow, painful death.
Alice texts that I’m booked on a flight that leaves in forty minutes. Thank fuck I don’t have to spend precious hours waiting in the airport while my dad slips away.
I pull into the airport and pass all the cash in my wallet—around two hundred bucks—to a skycap.
“It’s an emergency,” I tell him. “Can you park the car somewhere and I’ll have someone pick it up late tonight?”
“Uh…” He looks at me, then at the cash and then at me again.
“Come on, man.”
“Yeah, okay.” He takes out his phone. “What’s your number?”
I recite the digits and then say, “Thanks, man. My name’s Knox Deveraux. I promise it’ll be picked up tonight. I won’t forget this.”
“You look so familiar,” he says to me.
I wave and race through the airport doors, texting Alice about getting my car picked up. Then, as I run toward the check-in counter to pick up my ticket and check which airline I’m on, I text Reese.
Me: We need to talk. Call me.
Somehow, I manage to make it through check-in and security on time. Once the plane is in the air, I try to relax, but it’s impossible.
My dad may not live through the night. It’s the most gut-wrenching reality I’ve ever faced. All I want in this world is to make it to him on time. I need to be there when he leaves this world.
The flight feels about three times as long as it actually is. Once my phone has service again after landing, I’m crushed to see that Reese hasn’t responded to my message. There’s a text from Alice telling me a car is waiting at the airport to drive me to my parents’ house. I make a note to tell Durand how much I appreciate Alice’s help with my travel plans. I’m not thinking straight enough to do much for myself right now.
Knox: A Chicago Blaze Hockey Romance Page 12