by Daniel Defoe
does not ill become you," and sojested with me again, and so it went off for a third time. However, Ibegan to be kind to him in process of time, as they call it, and we grewvery intimate; and if the following accident had not unluckilyintervened, I had certainly married him, or consented to marry him, thevery next time he had asked me.
I had long waited for a letter from Amy, who, it seems, was just at thattime gone to Rouen the second time, to make her inquiries about him; andI received a letter from her at this unhappy juncture, which gave me thefollowing account of my business:--
I. That for my gentleman, who I had now, as I may say, in my arms, shesaid he had been gone from Paris, as I have hinted, having met with somegreat losses and misfortunes; that he had been in Holland on that veryaccount, whither he had also carried his children; that he was afterthat settled for some time at Rouen; that she had been at Rouen, andfound there (by a mere accident), from a Dutch skipper, that he was atLondon, had been there above three years; that he was to be found uponthe Exchange, on the French walk; and that he lodged at St. LaurencePountney's Lane, and the like; so Amy said she supposed I might soonfind him out, but that she doubted he was poor, and not worth lookingafter. This she did because of the next clause, which the jade had mostmind to on many accounts.
II. That as to the Prince ----; that, as above, he was gone intoGermany, where his estate lay; that he had quitted the French service,and lived retired; that she had seen his gentleman, who remained atParis to solicit his arrears, &c.; that he had given her an account howhis lord had employed him to inquire for me and find me out, as above,and told her what pains he had taken to find me; that he had understoodthat I was gone to England; that he once had orders to go to England tofind me; that his lord had resolved, if he could have found me, to havecalled me a countess, and so have married me, and have carried me intoGermany with him; and that his commission was still to assure me thatthe prince would marry me if I would come to him, and that he would sendhim an account that he had found me, and did not doubt but he would haveorders to come over to England to attend me in a figure suitable to myquality.
Amy, an ambitious jade, who knew my weakest part--namely, that I lovedgreat things, and that I loved to be flattered and courted--saidabundance of kind things upon this occasion, which she knew weresuitable to me and would prompt my vanity; and talked big of theprince's gentleman having orders to come over to me with a procurationto marry me by proxy (as princes usually do in like cases), and tofurnish me with an equipage, and I know not how many fine things; buttold me, withal, that she had not yet let him know that she belonged tome still, or that she knew where to find me, or to write to me; becauseshe was willing to see the bottom of it, and whether it was a reality ora gasconade. She had indeed told him that, if he had any suchcommission, she would endeavour to find me out, but no more.
III. For the Jew, she assured me that she had not been able to come at acertainty what was become of him, or in what part of the world he was;but that thus much she had learned from good hands, that he hadcommitted a crime, in being concerned in a design to rob a rich bankerat Paris; and that he was fled, and had not been heard of there forabove six years.
IV. For that of my husband, the brewer, she learned, that beingcommanded into the field upon an occasion of some action in Flanders, hewas wounded at the battle of Mons, and died of his wounds in theHospital of the Invalids; so there was an end of my four inquiries,which I sent her over to make.
This account of the prince, and the return of his affection to me, withall the flattering great things which seemed to come along with it; andespecially as they came gilded and set out by my maid Amy--I say thisaccount of the prince came to me in a very unlucky hour, and in the verycrisis of my affair.
The merchant and I had entered into close conferences upon the grandaffair. I had left off talking my platonics, and of my independency, andbeing a free woman, as before; and he having cleared up my doubts too,as to his circumstances and the misfortunes he had spoken of, I had goneso far that we had begun to consider where we should live, and in whatfigure, what equipage, what house, and the like.
I had made some harangues upon the delightful retirement of a countrylife, and how we might enjoy ourselves so effectually without theencumbrances of business and the world; but all this was grimace, andpurely because I was afraid to make any public appearance in the world,for fear some impertinent person of quality should chop upon me againand cry out, "Roxana, Roxana, by ----!" with an oath, as had been donebefore.
My merchant, bred to business and used to converse among men ofbusiness, could hardly tell how to live without it; at least it appearedhe should be like a fish out of water, uneasy and dying. But, however,he joined with me; only argued that we might live as near London as wecould, that he might sometimes come to 'Change and hear how the worldshould go abroad, and how it fared with his friends and his children.
I answered that if he chose still to embarrass himself with business, Isupposed it would be more to his satisfaction to be in his own country,and where his family was so well known, and where his children alsowere.
He smiled at the thoughts of that, and let me know that he should bevery willing to embrace such an offer; but that he could not expect itof me, to whom England was, to be sure, so naturalised now as that itwould be carrying me out of my native country, which he would not desireby any means, however agreeable it might be to him.
I told him he was mistaken in me; that as I had told him so much of amarried state being a captivity, and the family being a house ofbondage, that when I married I expected to be but an upper servant; so,if I did notwithstanding submit to it, I hoped he should see I knew howto act the servant's part, and do everything to oblige my master; thatif I did not resolve to go with him wherever he desired to go, he mightdepend I would never have him. "And did I not," said I, "offer myself togo with you to the East Indies?"
All this while this was indeed but a copy of my countenance; for, as mycircumstances would not admit of my stay in London, at least not so asto appear publicly, I resolved, if I took him, to live remote in thecountry, or go out of England with him.
But in an evil hour, just now came Amy's letter, in the very middle ofall these discourses; and the fine things she had said about the princebegan to make strange work with me. The notion of being a princess, andgoing over to live where all that had happened here would have beenquite sunk out of knowledge as well as out of memory (conscienceexcepted), was mighty taking. The thoughts of being surrounded withdomestics, honoured with titles, be called her Highness, and live in allthe splendour of a court, and, which was still more, in the arms of aman of such rank, and who, I knew, loved and valued me--all this, in aword, dazzled my eyes, turned my head, and I was as truly crazed anddistracted for about a fortnight as most of the people in Bedlam, thoughperhaps not quite so far gone.
When my gentleman came to me the next time I had no notion of him; Iwished I had never received him at all. In short, I resolved to have nomore to say to him, so I feigned myself indisposed; and though I didcome down to him and speak to him a little, yet I let him see that I wasso ill that I was (as we say) no company, and that it would be kind inhim to give me leave to quit him for that time.
The next morning he sent a footman to inquire how I did; and I let himknow I had a violent cold, and was very ill with it. Two days after hecame again, and I let him see me again, but feigned myself so hoarsethat I could not speak to be heard, and that it was painful to me but towhisper; and, in a word, I held him in this suspense near three weeks.
During this time I had a strange elevation upon my mind; and the prince,or the spirit of him, had such a possession of me that I spent most ofthis time in the realising all the great things of a life with theprince, to my mind pleasing my fancy with the grandeur I was supposingmyself to enjoy, and with wickedly studying in what manner to put offthis gentleman and be rid of him for ever.
I cannot but say that sometimes the baseness of the action stuck hardwith me; the honour and sinc
erity with which he had always treated me,and, above all, the fidelity he had showed me at Paris, and that I owedmy life to him--I say, all these stared in my face, and I frequentlyargued with myself upon the obligation I was under to him, and how basewould it be now too, after so many obligations and engagements, to casthim off.
But the title of highness, and of a princess, and all those fine things,as they came in, weighed down all this; and the sense of gratitudevanished as if it had been a shadow.
At other times I considered the wealth I was mistress of; that I wasable to live like a princess, though not a princess; and that mymerchant (for he had told me all the affair of his misfortunes) was farfrom being poor, or even mean; that together we were able to make up anestate of between three and four thousand pounds a year, which was initself equal to some princes abroad. But though this was true, yet thename of princess, and the flutter of it--in a word, the pride--weighedthem down; and all these arguings