Crave for Me

by Rayman Black

  “Daniela, these are amazing,” she said, closing her eyes in pure enjoyment. “I’ve never put anything so delicious in my mouth before.”

  I choked on my water, coughing explosively. Katie sent me a narrow-eyed look and Daniela burst into laughter. Her laugh was high and musical, a surprisingly girlish sound that was delightful to listen to. She laughed until tears streamed down her face.

  “You two are a treat,” she said, when she got herself under control again. “Have you been married long?”

  Katie and I exchanged glances and smiled at each other. “We might as well get used to telling our story, right?” I said to her. She nodded, amused, and ate her way steadily through the plate of tamales as I told Daniela about our trip to Las Vegas and all that had transpired since.

  When I was finished, Daniela laughed again. “You are just as crazy as I thought,” she said, but her smile was warm. “I wish you the very best. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Or it can be, with the right person.” Her smile turned wistful and she stood, stacking the plates back onto the serving tray.

  Katie rose and helped her. “May I ask you a personal question?” she asked hesitantly.

  Daniela nodded, setting the tray on a nearby table and giving Katie her attention. “What do you want to know, mi hija?”

  “What do you think you’ll use the money for?” She looked embarrassed. “If that’s too forward, please just ignore me. I only wondered.”

  Daniela smiled. “No, I don’t mind you asking. But the truth is, I’m not sure. My Jorge is doing well in school, and it will be good to be able to help him when he needs it, but his tuition is covered with grants and scholarships.” She beamed proudly. “He is very smart, my boy.” She looked around, taking in her small place. “I might use some of it to renovate this place, maybe change the kind of cooking I do here. I’ve always loved French cuisine.”

  I smiled and pulled out a pen, writing Kevin’s number on a napkin and handing it to her. “A good friend of ours opened a fancy French place last year,” I told her. “His name is Kevin, and this is his number. I know he would love to talk to you about any questions you might have for him, and he’ll probably put you in touch with his head chef, too.”

  Daniela laughed. “I’m tempted to tell you I wish for a pot of gold on rainy days, just to see what happens,” she said. “I’m glad to have met you both. Thank you for coming to see me.”

  We stayed for another hour, talking and laughing. Daniela told us stories about Luis, about their ten years of marriage, and about Jorge as a little boy. Eventually we had to leave, if for no other reason than I had to be ready to be on call by eight the next morning. Our goodbyes were tearful, and Katie and I left.

  It was nearly dark when we got back to Boston. I pulled up beside Katie’s apartment building and turned off the engine. I looked over at her. She was leaning against the door, her eyes half closed. “What do think about moving in to my place?” I asked her. “I like the idea of waking up with you in the morning.”

  Her eyes blinked open and she looked at me thoughtfully. “You have already seen my bed hair,” she said. “And your apartment is the bigger one.” A wide smile spread across her face, and her eyes took on the mischievous twinkle they held back in Vegas when this whole thing began. “Come inside. You can help me pack.”

  Epilogue: Katie

  I woke up early, stretching like a cat in the morning sun that was just beginning to slant in through the blinds. Chris was at the station until after eight, so I grabbed his pillow and wrapped my arms around it, sprawling across the bed. As of two days ago, I was no longer a college student but a graduate. It felt strange, a kind of wild openness that beckoned at the same time that it terrified. What would I do next? I guessed the answer was whatever I made it to be. For now, it was enough to lie in a patch of summer morning sunshine and do nothing at all.

  At least for a little while. There were things I wanted to do today. We were all meeting at Kevin’s for dinner to celebrate three months of marriage for Chris and me, and for Kevin and Sabrina. Thomas and Lori were closer to six months, and Joshua and Judith were - well, I wasn’t sure what Joshua and Judith were. Sometimes I thought there was maybe something, and sometimes I wasn’t sure. Judith was private, and I respected that, so I didn’t pry.

  I had to pee. It made me think of what I left in the bathroom last night, ready in preparation for this morning. It had been an impulse buy when I was at the store yesterday, picking up some fruit and milk. Until I saw it on the shelf, I hadn’t realized I’d had a question in the back of my mind. I got up and went to the bathroom, looking at the plastic stick lying on the counter. I had read the directions last night, and it said first morning urine was best. I uncapped it and sat down, trying to get the absorbent tip without peeing on my hand. I set it on some toilet paper on the counter and deliberately looked away.

  Two minutes. I could wait two minutes to find out I was being silly. There were no signs, no symptoms. My period wasn’t even really late, just on the longer side of normal. But still, there was this feeling, this idea in my mind that wouldn’t be shaken. I counted out the seconds to myself and took a deep breath, not sure what I felt, or which result I hoped for. I guessed it didn’t matter either way. Whatever it was going to be, it already was. My feelings weren’t going to change anything. I opened my eyes and looked at the oval window in the center.

  Pregnant.

  The word stood out starkly blue against the white background, unmistakable. Pregnant. I felt a rush of blood to my head and I sank forward, putting my head between my knees and breathing slowly. I waited until the feeling passed and I felt like myself again, then I opened my eyes and I looked again. It was still there, that single word that changed everything.

  My future, so open and wild just moments ago, now had a definite, determined course. I would be a mother. It was still wild, but now oh, so specific. There was a person inside me, a small ball of cells that would grow and change and become someone entirely new, someone I was responsible for. The idea was so outrageous, so enormous, that I couldn’t really fathom it. It didn’t seem like it could be real.

  Except for a strip of plastic that I bought for $6.99 saying that it was. It was very real, indeed.

  I flattened my hands against my stomach and wondered what it would look like rounded and full, with a squirming mass of baby beneath the skin. It was appalling and appealing all at once, and so foreign as to be almost alien to think of. What would Chris say? I thought of what he had told me once about an old love, a woman named Angela who took away his chance to be a father without even talking to him about it. Would he be happy for a chance to raise his child, or would he be upset to the change in our life? We hadn’t talked about children in anything more than a vague, maybe someday kind of way. I realized I didn’t know when he wanted kids. But then, I didn’t know when I wanted them, either, and it didn’t seem as though we had much say in the matter anymore. One had already started.

  Wrapping the test in clean toilet paper, I stashed it in the box of tampons under the sink. I took a shower, washing my hair and my skin so thoroughly that my skin tingled. I wrapped my hair in a towel and my body in another, taking my time smoothing lotion over my skin and blow drying my hair. My body became a mysterious thing to me, no longer just me inside it, but also a vessel for another. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, but I explored that sense of awe and wonder as I prepared my body for tonight’s celebration. I wanted to laugh, and I wanted to cry, and I wanted, no, needed, to talk about this with my friends. I looked at the clock. It was early, but I thought at least someone might be up already, too.

  I dressed quickly, leaving a note for Chris that I’d gone out and would see him later. I poured a cup of coffee to take with me, then stared at it. Was I supposed to stop drinking coffee? I wasn’t sure, but I thought maybe a little was okay. It was clear there was going to be a lot of googling in my future. I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and tucked it in my pocket, then grabbed th
e coffee, too, and left.

  The air was already warming, the dew burning off in the summer sun. I walked to the tiny park down the road and sat on one of the benches. There was a young mother there, pushing a toddler on the swing while an old hound dog lay patiently nearby, waiting for the humans so he could finish his walk. I watched them for awhile, listening to the little boy’s squeals of laughter and seeing the smile on the woman’s face as she watched him.

  I pulled out my phone and opened the group chat.

  Is anyone awake?

  A new text pinged almost immediately.

  Sabrina: I am. It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it?

  Another came in while I was reading the first.

  Lori: Just making coffee.

  I smiled and typed, Anyone want to meet for breakfast? I need to talk.

  Twenty minutes later, we were sitting in a booth at a diner close to Sabrina’s work. Lori had stopped by Judith’s and gotten her out of bed to come, too, and three pairs of eyes surveyed me curiously, with varying degrees of alertness.

  Sabrina glanced at her watch and said, “I’ve got forty minutes before I have to leave for work. What do you need to talk about? Is everything okay?”

  I looked at the concern on my friends’ faces and I wondered how to explain. How could mere words contain this huge thing?

  “I’m pregnant.”

  The words hung in the air for a moment, nearly visible on the shocked silence. Then Judith shrieked and Lori screamed and Sabrina wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. I laughed, ignoring the dirty looks and curious glances the other diners shot our way.

  “Wait, is this a good thing?” Sabrina asked, sitting back.

  “Yeah,” Lori chimed in. “Are you happy about this, or are you freaking out?”

  “Can’t she do both?” Judith asked.

  I laughed again, wiping away the tears that trickled down my cheeks. When had I started crying, for goodness’ sake? “I think it’s a good thing,” I said. “I’m not sure yet. It’s a huge thing, anyway. I haven’t told Chris yet.”

  “Are you going to?” Judith asked, but Lori waved her off.

  “Of course she’s going to,” Lori said. “He deserves to know. But what does she want to do about it? That’s what I’m wondering. Katie, do you want to have a baby right now?”

  I thought about it again, like I had been ever since I read the test. “I can’t see myself ending it, so I guess I’m going to have to, aren’t I? And it’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just in shock, you know? It doesn’t seem real.” I looked at my friends, suddenly troubled. “You don’t think that means I’m going to be a bad mom, do you? That I’m not over the moon excited right away? I mean, I am excited. That’s definitely in there, too.” I blew out a breath and sat back in my chair. “I’m just really nervous, too. There are so many parts to it.”

  Sabrina rubbed my shoulder. “I think you’re going to be a very good mom,” she declared. “You have plenty of time to get excited, and I’m sure you will. Especially when it’s time to buy those cute little baby clothes.”

  Judith reached across the table and held my hand. “I think it’s okay to be nervous,” she said. “It’s a new thing, and you’re right, it’s big. But we’re here, too, okay? We’ll help you. That baby has three aunties already waiting to take care of him. Or her.”

  I looked around at my friends, my heart full. “Thanks, you guys.” I picked up the paper napkin and blew my nose. “Geez, I think I’ve cried more this morning that I have in the last four years.”

  Talk turned to other things, winding around topics like Kevin and Sabrina’s plans to buy the building his restaurant was in and move into the apartment upstairs with their daughter, and Thomas and Lori’s camping trip in Connecticut. Sometimes we would come back to the baby, and by the time Sabrina had to leave and we were paying the bill, I had almost gotten used to the idea of my pregnancy.

  Judith was suspiciously quiet, not volunteering anything of her own. I wondered, but I didn’t say anything to her. I just made a mental note to talk to her about it, and soon.

  I wasn’t ready to go home yet, so I went to the library. It had been a long time since I read anything just for the fun of it, so I browsed the new release shelves, settling on a crime thriller and a romantic comedy. Both looked like fun, and perfect for the summer. I started reading the thriller as I walked home, and I was so engrossed so quickly that I almost passed the building when I came to it.

  Quietly, I opened the door and slipped into the apartment. Chris usually crashed hard for a few hours after his shifts, and as I expected, I heard the deep sound of his snoring from the bedroom as I eased the door closed behind me. I set my bag down on the kitchen table and went into the living room with my book. I settled myself on the couch, propping my feet up on the coffee table and letting myself get lost in the twisty tale of a madman and the psychologist cop who worked to stop him.

  I read for hours, listening to the quiet hum of the apartment and the even breathing of my husband in the bedroom. Part of my mind reveled in the ability to just lie here and read after the crazy scramble of the last semester. Another part wondered how many more times I would be able to do this. Didn’t babies take up all your time?

  I heard the sheets rustle and the bed frame creak as Chris climbed out of it. He came into the living room and smiled, his hair mussed and his face creased from sleep. Love and affection for him squeezed my heart and I felt tears try to well up again. I blinked them back rapidly, refusing to let them fall. If I started bawling, he would think something was wrong.

  “Hey,” I said, setting aside my book and patting the couch next to me. “How was work? Did you save lives and rescue puppies?”

  Chris flopped down next to me and groaned, laying his head in my lap. “It was pretty quiet, but there was a toddler who got stuck in a laundry chute. She was fine,” he assured me. “Just a little scared, and very annoyed to be stuck in a tight space for so long. I guess she had dropped a toy down the chute, then tried to go after it. All she really wanted was her plastic horse back.” He smiled. “Cute kid.”

  My heart thumped, but I pushed the hair off his forehead with steady hands. “Are you hungry? I was thinking about making a sandwich. I could make one for you, too.”

  “Sure, thanks,” he said, but he made no move to lift his head. We sat quietly for awhile, just being together. He grinned up at me. “So, have you regretted living with me the last three months?” he asked.

  “Every time you bring home Indian food for dinner,” I said, laughing. “I can smell it in here for two days!”

  He groaned. “You should try it, Katie. You don’t know what you’re missing.” He sat up then, a sudden sparkle in his eyes. “Actually, you really should try it. It will help prepare you.”

  “Prepare me?” I asked. “What are you talking about? Prepare me for what?”

  Chris practically jumped off the couch and bounded into the bedroom. He returned a moment later, a small sheaf of folded paper in one hand and a small white box in the other. “I was going to wait until tonight,” he said, handing them to me. “I was going to give it to you at Kevin’s. But I don’t want to wait. I want to do this now.”

  I sat up straighter, looking at him curiously. “What are you up to?” I asked.

  He came to my side, wearing an old Green Day t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants so ancient the elastic barely clung to his hips anymore. He knelt down on one knee in front of me. He set down the paper on the coffee table and took my hand in his free one.

  “Katie Halls,” he said, his voice serious. “I love you. I have loved these three months with you, and it’s been an adventure seeing what each new day brings for us. I want to live the rest of this adventure with you.” He handed me the small white box and smiled sheepishly. “I know we’re already married, but I feel like I never gave you a proper proposal. Open the box.”

  I took back my hand and opened the box. I stared at the rose gold band twisted in the sh
ape of a branch circling around itself. It was studded with tiny diamonds. It was the prettiest ring I had ever seen. I looked up at him, my eyes wide.

  “Katie, will you be my wife?” he asked.

  I threw my arms around him, the tears running heedlessly down my cheeks. “I have loved being your wife,” I said, sitting back and giving him a watery smile. I wiped my face with my fingers and slid the ring onto the finger that had worn the plastic one he had given me, until it broke two months ago and left the space bare. I loved the weight of the metal on my hand.

  “It’s gorgeous, Chris,” I said, staring at it. I looked up at him and grinned. “I love it.”

  “I hoped you would,” he said. “I’ve been looking for the perfect one since we got back from Las Vegas, and it’s taken me this long to find it.” He lifted my hand and kissed the ring, then my knuckle. “I’m glad you like it. I have something else for you, too.”

  I shook my head. “What else could you possibly have?” I asked. I lifted my hand and admired the way the light sparked off the diamond chips. “This is the perfect gift.”

  He grinned and handed me the papers. “We’ll see if your idea of perfection changes after you read this.”

  I opened the pages curiously and started reading. As the words in front of me began to make sense, I felt my mouth drop open in surprise. My eyes flew to Chris. He looked amused and hopeful.

  “Well?” he asked, when I was silent. “What do you think?”

  “Chris, this says you bought me a round trip ticket to India, and two weeks in that yoga ashram I wanted to go to. Are you serious?” I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

  He nodded, his eyes intent. “You talked about it back in Vegas, remember? You said it was something you wanted to do, and I thought you should do it before you decided what you wanted to do next.” He smiled. “That one isn’t so much a three months of marriage gift as a graduation present, but I hoped you would like it.”