by Sean Heslin
A simple problem, one which should not have been brought here, but on the whole of it, unavoidable, inevitable, unstoppable as the seasons. In this place where they came to remember, the wanderer had forgotten and the kindness could not forgive.
He had forgotten to bring the sandwiches.
Chapter 15
“Having everything you wish for misses the point. Having everything you need is when you are pleasantly surprised.”
- King Dranul The Third, 2229 C.M.
So, The Pit? intimated Ihjundas, Which one did you have in mind? There are eighteen various Pits I know of around here.
“Sorry, Ihjundas, that’s just what I like to call it. It’s properly the Miscellaneous slash Unknown slash Plain Weird slash Really Unknown Item section. Repository for everything even we can't stick into a single class. Just right for this sort of endeavour.” Grinwalder wiggled his malformed eyebrow region suggestively. Perci blanched at the anatomically challenging expression.
They were wending their way back across the expanses of the supply warehouse and Perci was vacillating between a state of harrumphing indignantly, not wetting his pants and periodically coming up with an insulting commentary on the situation. An encounter with a rogue shelf containing bulbs and ping-pong balls had left another dent in his armour and he was somehow less happy than usual from his enlightening experience.
They came to a large round lead-lined door with a small brass plaque, which Grinwalder nodded towards. “Observe the precautions lads, else I will be scooping you up in a dustpan.”
Rancha leaned closer to read.
Entrance to the Miscellaneous/Unknown/Plain Weird/Really Unknown Item section.
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK
Please observe all safety precautions.
A member of staff to accompany you is recommended, but not strictly necessary provided all precautions are taken
Any accidents should be reported immediately, provided the person(s) involved still has the capability of speech or nearest available equivalent.
To the left and slightly down of the plaque was a small piece of handwritten card pinned to the wall. It read:
“The Pit – Watch your step.”
Perci shuddered somewhat. He appeared to be regaining his grip on the situation as the alcohol was leaving his system and he demonstrated that he had also regained some of his powers of speech.
“What precautions are we to follow exactly? That is a stupid sign.”
“THE precautions laddie, “ stated Grinwalder cheerfully “Mind your elbows now while I just get this... Right, please count all limbs and check species before entering, so we can change you back if there are any accidents. And for the love of anything still regarded as holy, and possibly Yurmuth's sake as well, if you are into that sort of thing, do NOT touch the purple glowing thing in the far left corner, or the world will quite literally fall apart at the ears. Any questions? Then we'll begin.”
Grinwalder unslung a heavy-looking ring of standard iron keys, electronic keycards, pheromone sprays, plastic retinal scan fake eyeballs and some weird objects that looked like they weren't entirely in this known universe. Most of them had little sticky tags on them saying what and where they were for in a very organised and colour-coded fashion. He riffled through them a moment and selected two small brass keys and a long indented tube. Inserting them into the correct points on the door and half-twisting the end of the tube, a small hatch was popped open halfway up the portal. Inside were a couple of switches (which were duly flipped) and a small slot. Grinwalder scratched a horn in puzzlement for a moment, and then with a brief “Ah!” noise, inserted the appropriate card from his ring. The door rumbled deep in its bowels for a moment and half swung, half rotated out of its frame.
Overdoing it a bit aren’t you? said an amused Ihjundas.
“Probably lad, probably. Now, where's that damn lightswitch?”
The lights flared briefly as they all shuffled in, blinking to clear their sight as it settled down to a pleasant glow. As they looked upon the contents of the room, one thing was on all of their minds, which Rancha kindly voiced.
“Er, Grinwalder, where is everything?”
For he spoke the truth, the room was as empty as an empty cardboard box, save one or two odd-looking items on the floor, and the aforementioned glowing purple thing in the left corner. Which was looking indefinably smug.
Grinwalder seemed to be at a loss. “Well, of course, this is exactly what is meant to be here, I mean, how can an entire room full of really rare inventory just vanish, it’s laughable, haha....”
The gargoyle eyeballed the purple thing, which was attempting to radiate innocence and hide behind itself, a feat that was more impressive as it was sealed in a 4-inch thick plastic display case and was in full view, but it tried all the same.
Well, represented Ihjundas, You might as well take whatever is left. He pointed at the objects on the ground and prodded Perci. That man looked at the items, scowled and appeared to be about to launch into a long and haughty speech about How He Was Above Such Things, then he looked at Rancha's expression, looked at Ihjundas' expression and promptly scurried to help gather the remaining sundries up in a manner that suggested he had intended to all along.
In the meantime Grinwalder was stalking up to the purple ball of light in the box, brandishing a glowing yellow stick with various runic engravings upon its length. The purple thing was now trying to collapse in on itself having nowhere else to run to.
“Oh no you don’t my lad!” bellowed Grinwalder, pointing the yellow rod menacingly at the box. There was a noise like sixteen merphants simultaneously trumpeting underwater, the purple light gave a mocking wiggle, then vanished with a 'krick!' causing Grinwalder to swear.
“Well how the haemorrhaging bollocks am I supposed to get that back? Or the rest of it for that matter!” He took a breath and sighed. “Well, I suppose I just have to start again, gonna cost a fortune though...”
He descended into one of his signature personal grumblings and started taking notes and scratching his head, muttering about the price of osmium.
What was that thing, Grinwalder? asked Ihjundas. I don't recall seeing anything quite like it before.
Grinwalder shook himself from his reverie. “Hmm? Oh well, we aren't entirely sure what that was ourselves, me and the lads I mean, but we reckon judging by its behaviour it was the heart of an Eventuality Drive.”
“Really?” said Rancha. “Is that a good thing?”
“What the devil is an Eventuithingy Dribble?” said Perci.
“Eventuality Drive. Do you do that deliberately?” said Rancha.
Eventuithingy Dribble is the prime export of Krintuc State as a common soup thickener, projected Ihjundas.
“So, what the devil is an Eventuality Drive?” said Perci in exasperation.
“Yeah, it probably is that,” said Grinwalder.
A pause.
A longer pause.
Perci gave up and asked “One of those what?”
Grinwalder looked at him strangely. “A devil. The heart of an Eventuality Drive could be a devil or demon, but its behaviour is closer to having imp-like qualities, and it is not inherently evil in itself. For that matter it isn't good either, it just is. Not even neutrally aligned. Nor for that fact is it probable. Or possible. Actually, I don’t think it is at all. Well, not in the strictest sense of the word. It’s not even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, not extradimensional paranormal, supernormal, multidimensional or the slightest bit...”
Grinwalder was interrupted at this point by Ihjundas, who told him to stop babbling.
Grinwalder, deflated, continued. “Well, frankly nobody except the Poitians know what it really is, because they're the ones that usually build the damn things in the first place. Never been to Poitia myself though. I hear the Poits are really friendly except when you try and copy one of their ideas.”
“Yeah, they are,” agreed Rancha, “Went there last summer. Weird place. B
ut you still haven't told us what the thing does. And why it ate everything.”
The gargoyle tilted his head slightly. “Okay, I suppose the best way to explain is to show you. And show you the door while I’m at it. Follow.”
They trailed back out through the warehouse, locking the door behind them. They stopped by a very wonky set of shelves, next to which was an equally wonky-looking mobile crane.
“Right lads,” Grinwalder said, producing an item from somewhere on its person. “Do you recognise this?”
“Of course I do you buffoon, it's a can opener with a corkscrew on the side, so what?” said Perci, quite obviously palling of all the forced suspense.
“Right, now that tin opener there just happened to be the precise shape required to stop a three-ton crate falling on my head last year. Got caught in that crane chain as it fell and stopped it inches above my head. That is what the Eventuality Drive does. It's kinda like an automatic precognitive design transtater, only any of that negative feedback bollocks. Sit one in the corner of your workshop or wherever, and it arranges matters so people are safe in the future. Bloody expensive though, but impossible to steal 'cos it simply gets itself moved before the thieves turn up.”
“Huh,” said Perci, having been paying attention. “Maybe that was what happened. It moved itself for later?”
Never mind that now, Ihjundas interjected, You are supposed to be on a quest you know. Come on before you are accidentally educated.
Grinwalder led them back to the steps leading down to the tram, where Perci admitted he had to make a toilet stop. With much sighing and muttering Grinwalder led him off lavatorywards leaving Ihjundas and Rancha sat in the tram, alone apart from the driver, who like every well-practised taxi driver, pretended he was deaf.
Before you ask it again, no, transmitted Ihjundas.
“But he’s so, so...”
Ignorant yes. But I’m sure you will have fun. Let him be a hero. Cope.
“Yes sir,” sighed Rancha, hanging his head anew. “But I still don't like it.”
Did not the Eternally Misquoted Great Prophet Fengal once say 'Love all men as your brothers, but never fight like your sisters'?
“No, he didn't. But I get the point.”
Shortly, Grinwalder and Perci returned, the latter walking with a curious bowlegged gait. Ihjundas tilted his head slightly at Grinwalder, who grinned at the silent question.
“He was in a rush so I took him to the nearest loo, which unfortunately is the one that has pipes running right next to the old pinscuttle pit. You know, the one where I keep my potties. The upshot of this is that we now know where all the pinscuttles went, but the bad news is they can swim rather well. I think I'll rename pit number nineteen, ‘The Pit of Despair’, what do you think?”
Rancha winced with sympathy, but then stopped when he remembered he hated Perci, then remembered further that he was supposed to be nice to him. This created an absurd expression on his face that would have been commented on, had anybody noticed or cared.
When they were all finally in the tram, had waved goodbye to Grinwalder and the cart was rattling down the track, Rancha politely enquired where they were heading next.
Well, Ihjundas responded, You two have your kit together so there's no reason why you shouldn’t get on with the quest. You are being taken to take a handy shortcut whether you like it or not.
Rancha, who knew exactly what kind of shortcut was meant, groaned deeply. Perci stayed silent as he knelt on the floor, not seeing further than his own bottom hurt, as per usual.
Chapter 16
“Everything is connected. No, it’s not bloody string theory. No, I haven’t dropped the glue again. No, listen, there’s this place in the mountains that...”
- Ranold Deskson, explaining to his very bored wife why they did not need to go on holiday, 4180 C.M.
Much, much later, the cart rattled to a stop at the foot of yet more stairs, the duty driver this time looking to have lapsed into unconsciousness so they left him to rest. At the landing at the top of these steps, there was only one simple-looking wooden door, slightly taller than their heads, with a plain brass handle. A notice, handwritten and framed, was hung in the centre of the door. The doorframe and stonework around it showed signs that once this door had once been much larger and heavily barred, but when the smaller door had been installed the gaps had been filled in and reinforced. Perci turned to the nearest person, who happened to be Rancha and questioned this oddity of architecture.
“It’s to make it harder for people to get out this way,” he responded, and to Perci’s disgruntlement, left it at that.
Right, Ihjundas told them, As tempting as it may be, once we are in don’t go running off, and for the love of whoever is still watching, don’t try any of the doors in search of a toilet or whatever. He pointed to the notice. Last one through please follow those instructions.
“Don’t mention toilets then you old fool,” muttered Perci as he cast a disparaging glance at the notice, obviously not reading it. Rancha shook his head and read them himself.
“Please shut the door after you on pain of death, there is a Draught.” Rancha blinked, and read it again. “Huh, that’s new.”
Yes, it is. Watch your toes now.
As Ihjundas opened the door there was a faint feeling of dislocation, like the air pressure had suddenly dropped, but in an intangible sense, in that it was a pressure drop in the mind rather than the body that felt the symptoms. As the door swung further open the feeling faded quickly. The trio trooped through, Rancha holding up the rear and dutifully closing the door behind him with a slight popping noise. As he turned around he took note of Perci gawking, and joined him to gaze over the balcony they had emerged upon.
“Now this,” he said, “hasn’t changed one bit.”
Yes, agreed Ihjundas, nodding. Never gets old. Give him the spiel will you?
“You aren't going to get me enthusiastic about this tour guide gig Ihjundas, stop trying. But if you insist. Master Yansul, close your mouth and pay attention. This is The Chamber of Significant Exits, a glory of modern encha-neering, reputed to be amongst the ten great architectural impossibilities of the world, lauded even among critics as an amazingly well-executed bad idea.”
“...so big...”
“Yes, well noticed.”
What the little group had walked into did indeed consist mostly of sheer scale. It was an immense room, far longer than it was tall, perhaps half a mile in width, but the far wall disappeared around the curvature of the planet, so it was not visible from where they stood. Dividing the room were seven walls went from floor to not-quite ceiling, with an approximate height about eight or nine storeys (it seemed to vary in places), with evenly divided space between each wall. At intervals, if one were to travel along one of these immense corridors, there were alleyways so you could access one passage from another without having to walk all the way back to the entrance.
The three currently stood on a balcony which was at a head-on angle to the main through-ways, so allowing them to see right the way down the central two corridors nearest, so giving the casual observers a reasonable approximation of what an infinity might look like; the walls continuing over the actual horizon.
The mighty walls were not bare. Lining each wall on both sides was a complex network of stairs, ladders and walkways, which was not odd in itself, except these walkways stopped every few metres and decided to be made out of different materials. Some sections were iron grilles, some were wooden, some were see-thru plastic and some had an unpleasantly organic look about them. The wall section immediately next to each new style was made of the same or similar material of the adjacent walkway, creating a lovely multi-textural patchwork effect.
The main feature of the room, however, were the Exits themselves.
Set into every half-metre distance along every spare patch of wall, were. Dozens upon hundreds upon thousands upon millions of doors. Every shape, configuration, composition and size imaginable. Fro
m tiny little wooden clock doors, to giant, reinforced fortress thresholds. From rotten sheets of cardboard, to finely crafted palace archways. Next to each of these portals big and small was a tiny rectangle of blackboard with squiggles on that the group could not read properly from their current vantage point.
Rancha, who of course had seen it all before, tuned in to what Ihjundas was telling Perci.
…not all of them are actually in this the same room as the rest. Large sections are located elsewhere in the complex, only there is spatial twisting, or rather twisted space would be more appropriate, so they appear to all be in the same place at the same time. We simply don’t have a room this big to hold them all.
“Of course,” Perci blustered, covering his dazed wonder poorly with the first words that came to him. “I was expecting something grand, as befitting my station, but this surpasses all expectations. Uh, well done.”