by Sean Heslin
This truly was a tropical paradise, and promised so much more - the smells of delicacies frying on a nearby barbecue, the tastes the exotic winds brought to the air, the sounds of other people laughing and generally having a good time.
The sun was warm on his skin, but not too hot, a gentle breeze providing just the right amount of refreshing coolness. He motioned for a smiling, lithely formed female attendant to come over, and she proceeded to apply yet another coat of coconut lotion across his utterly relaxed back.
Perci breathed a deep sigh of happiness and rolled over, accidentally wiping off the freshly applied oil, but who cared? This was heaven, individually tailored and paid for in advance.
Perci just lay back and enjoyed the sunshine, thoughts drifting away across the splashing ocean, cares just melting away...
“Woohoohooooooooo!” came the cry, as Yrinmet rocketed across the sky, slung from a parachute being pulled by a pair of furiously rowing iccles.
Perci sat bolt upright, tipping his lounger on its side, sending him catapulting through the air to land with an ungraceful belly flop in the nearby swimming pool.
Terand watching from the sunbed next to him just shook his head and went into the bar to find some liquid refreshment. As he did so, he also gazed over the bay. It really was quite spectacular here and he was glad that Rancha had suggested, that as a reward for saving the world, he would take everybody on holiday and finish his own while he was at it. The council and Ihjundas had ummed and ahhed about it for a while until the urglon had given up and offered to pay for it himself out of the bounty gem-bag.
And here they were.
Terand espied Milspeth helping Goe to make a sandcastle down near the breakers. Pib was nearby, running up and down the beach and playing catch with a local dog. Jocene was on the far side of the pool, deliberately dressed in a bikini to show off her scars and getting a fair amount of attention and free drinks. Terand could see she was loving every minute of it. She was not fighting. She smilingly gave him a casual little wave from within her circle of admirers.
Terand moved to a barstool by the outside bar and watched Yrinmet do loop-de-loops, half-listening to Goe bemoaning the waves that kept making a mess of his crenellations. Terand had liberated Perci's abandoned cocktail so he ignored the expectant bartender and so just enjoyed the sunshine some more.
He watched as a horrendously swearing Perci was fished out of the water and taken somewhere quiet. He watched as Jocene waved away the last of her potential suitors and dozed softly. Goe had finally completed his magnificent sand palace and was now gleefully blowing it up with miniature cannons he had conjured from somewhere.
The sun was starting to dip below the horizon, filling the sky with delicate yellows and oranges, so Terand downed the rest of the cocktail and went into the exquisite hotel they had managed to get seven separate fully fitted rooms in.
On a hunch Terand went into the hotels attached pub first and was rewarded by the sight of Rancha in human form, disgracefully holding up the bar.
As he approached, he could make out the urglon's slurred one-way conversation with the barman.
“...I mean, this place has won lotsandlots of awards, lotsandlotsandlots. But did it do them any good? Did it? Here we are, stood in the bestest most fantabulous place on the whole planet, and we don't even have any umbrellas? Do we? No, thought no. It’s disgraceful thatswhatitis, oh gimme another, you kind person you,”
The barman, who knew his job, provided the inebriated shapechanger with another glass of alcohol, subtly topped up with water.
“Where was I? Was I here or over there or over there or here? Hahahaha. Oo, have you met my friend Terance, he's the biggest baddest meanie you ever did see. Come say hello to the nice man, Terance.”
Terand grudgingly joined Rancha at the bar and exchanged glances with the barman. The latter rolled his eyes and pushed over a bowl of peanuts.
“This guy,” said Rancha slapping Terand on the back, “is the bestest guy I know. He will run over hot coals just to get whatever it is that he is getting, the get. Heh. Come on, Terroo tell the nice man your story.”
“A pint of whatever you have,” said Terand to the barman.
“Gosh, that is the truest thing I have ever heard! Youcleverlittleboyyou! A pint, he said, now get this, a pint of 'whatever you have'! Genius!”
Rancha paused and blinked blearily at the mirror behind the bar all pubs seem to have.
“I think I'm a little smashed,” he said soberly, as he fell face-first into the peanuts.
“What's the matter with your friend then?” asked the barman, serving Terand with a tall glass of something foaming and golden.
“Poor guy, he just saved the world is all, went mad doing it. This here is what’s technically known, as the downswing,” said Terand shrugging.
“Oh, so he really did do all the things he said?”
“Travelled around the world lots of times for no reason and destroyed the biggest army that ever did exist? Yup, he surely did. I was there.”
The barman nodded in understanding.
“Good job he paid his tab in advance then.”
They were joined at the bar at this point by Perci, who had changed his clothes into something less soggy and was shivering despite the heat.
“Something with coconuts in it, please,” he instructed the barman, who busied himself. Perci regarded Rancha and sighed. He looked askance at Terand.
Terand sadly nodded. “Yup, it happened again. Don't know how he does it.”
“Every night this week.” Perci shook his head wonderingly. “I thought Milspeth was keeping an eye on him.”
“She was, but this morning he told her he was feeling much better and sent her down to the beach. I think he has been here ever since.”
The barman returned with Perci's drink. The duo glumly regarded their alcohol. Then they drank deeply.
“How long do we get to stay in the hotel for then?” asked Terand.
Perci snorted. “Indefinitely. We made enough money out of you and that lunatic wizard to live here if we decided. You are welcome to join us, if you feel like it.”
“And put up with his sulking every night? Nay thanks, I'll pass on that one.” Terand prodded Rancha with disgust, but there was no response.
The barman returned with refills. They looked at them but did not drink them. There was a certain moral warning hanging in the air, and he was starting to smell evilly.
“So what do we do now?” said Perci.
“Me, I'm going back to life as usual,” said Terand. “Wandering the roads, and beating the brown stuff out of people for money.”
“Is that any good then?”
“Well the hours are pretty bad, but the perks make it worthwhile. Some of the shnotdwars deserve it too, which is always a bonus.”
“I've been meaning to ask,” said Perci a contemplative look upon his face. “I was never allowed to know by my sisters. What does shnotdwar mean anyway?”
Terand shrugged and told him. Perci's face wrinkled like a prune that's just been told to clean its room.
“That's disgusting!”
“You asked.”
“But really with a...”
“Yup.”
“Yuck. No wonder my mother always smacked me for saying it.”
Terand started to grin, and opened his mouth to say something incredibly salient and witty.
“Don't you dare,” said Perci pre-emptively.
Terand shrugged again and took a long swig from his glass.
Rancha started to make clucking noises in his slumber.
“Do you think we should have told him about the cannons then?” said Perci.
“In retrospect,” said Terand, “No, not really.”
They took another deep draught as they thought about the cannons. A survey team from the palace/castle had recently returned from the battleground bearing various relics. Retrospectively, quite foolishly, while Rancha had been within earshot, they had reporte
d they had found one of the twister cannons intact and had tested it, for science. They had been treated with a twenty-foot hologram of the inventor Jones explaining that halfway through the construction he had had an urge to make certain modifications, so instead of opening portals, the cannons would play the message. Then there were then several minutes of a close-up shot of Jones’ face laughing uproariously.
Rancha, upon hearing this news, had turned very pale and started to punch people, whereupon he had to be forcibly restrained. As he had been dragged away, he had less than cryptically started shouting.
“I didn’t bloody have to do any of it…you bastards!” and many more words in many languages, much more crudely besides.
The duo at the bar sighed at the memory and reached for fresh drinks.
Perci then received a tap on the shoulder, causing him to turn round.
He was greeted by the sight of a tired-looking man wearing appropriately colourful holiday shorts, but was also for some reason wearing quite a large coat and was visibly sweating underneath.
“Are you,” the man consulted a notebook, “Perci Jamil Emmanranph Yansul, domiciled at The Valley Of Deranged Meanings?”
“Yes,” said a puzzled Perci. “Well, not at the moment, but that is me, yes.”
The man glanced about and his eyes came to rest on the drunken Rancha.
“Then I am presuming this is,” he looked at his book again, “Geranchafenador, of the Glalyena brood?”
“Possibly,” hazarded Perci. “He never told me that was his name.”
The man nodded and stowed away his pad. Then he rooted in his large coat, and patted all his pockets. He eventually pulled out a little black leather wallet that contained a shining badge and an accurate picture of the man clutching it.
At the sight of this Terand immediately became extremely interested in the contents of his pint glass, shuffling sideways on his barstool as gradually as he could.
“Then, I am afraid I shall have to arrest you both for grand theft, multiple murder in the first and other numerous offences too petty to mention here.” The man beckoned behind him and other figures emerged from shadowy corners.
“Wait, hold on you've made a mistake.”
“No mistake, you are coming with us. Gentlemen please?”
The looming shadows handcuffed the protesting Perci and bodily picked up Rancha. Then, they left the bar en masse.
Terand counted to a minute before looking up. They had definitely all gone.
“Well, crap,” he said, and hopped out of the bar at speed.
Epilogue
In an entirely different public house, an extremely long way away The Great Prophet Fengal was enjoying a quiet one with a select group of friends. They were, like many a time past, discussing philosophy and precisely why it could not possibly function in the real world.
“If a tree fell here, right,”
“In this pub,”
“Hypothetically,”
“Hypothetically, right. Then would we hear it falling or decide it was truly the lack of chairs?”
There was a pause while this deeply meaningful statement sunk in.
“Nah, the chair loss is because no trees ever fall down around here. No trees, therefore no wood, ergo no chairs.”
“But what if the chair were placed upon the head of a pin, would we hear it then?”
“Oh shuttup, you always bring in your bloody pins, don't you? Nobody cares about the bloody pin.”
“Oh, oh says he who reckons one hand clapping is a smacked botty?”
“I told you that was for my son's benefit because he wouldn't eat up his nice vegetables!”
“What the hell are you blathering about?”
“A pin I think it was.”
There was a pause and then a short but succinct scuffle, which ended with one philosopher named Khirack being forcibly gagged.
“How do we end up doing these things?”
“Because you are a pillock.”
“Oh shuttup, I think the master's got something to say.”
Fengal stirred and raised his aged head from his pewter mug.
“Everything must begin somewhere. No, I tell a fib. Something that begins ends everywhere else, even if it exists on another plane. No that's not right, everything that never happened, but happens anyway. Mine's a half if you are buying.”
“Oh shuttup Fengal, you do talk crap sometimes.”
“Was that a Teaching do you reckon?”
“Who cares, write it in the book anyway. With your handwriting, it'll probably make more sense.”
“Now, about this pin...?”
-THE END-
Appendix
Badgkin – A badger, only better.
C.M. - Continuous Measurement.
Deerlet – Four-eyed forest-dwelling creature, often hunted for sport. The larger females grow impressive antlers.
Drangl – One-legged species with leathery brown skin, who formerly lived in various tribes on what are generally held to be the eastern continents, but have since spread around the world to be the second most common sentient species.
Emula – Long giraffe-necked gnu-like creature, brays like a donkey and will try and eat anything that stays still long enough.
Fnug – A rather rude word related to an aspect of fornication.
Fnugrallocks – a colloquial term, mainly used to describe a pair of irritating testicles.
Froob – The city of Froob was the ancient capital of the world, its massive borders spreading far and its ideals even further. The Froobian Empire was responsible for a great many technological and cultural advances, before the whole city vanished in mysterious circumstances and the Empire itself quickly disbanding shortly after.
Gargoyle – Proper name usually transcribed as 'ghyqio!rghfxp', growing to up to nine feet tall, these sentient and intelligent people tend to prefer isolation and have a very strange reproductive system involving a sac of symbiotic moss in the small of their back. They have stone skin as well as stone underskin and stone skeletons.
Hamferg- A sad little rodent with not much to its life other than breeding and being captured as either pets or fodder for pet reptiles.
Human – Two-legged, two armed hairless apes. Tend to be rather vain, but occupy the planet in great numbers. Much time spent in pursuit of shiny objects.
Iccle - Diminutive folk, usually bright yellow, consisting of a head with little arms and legs sticking out. Disproportionately and astonishingly strong and hardy, the iccles are a cheerful people who try to get along with everyone and tend to be employed as manual labourers.
Iguanot - Bulky mammals with detachable tails that they use to keep their young warm and as a makeshift weapon against predators. Tend to be belligerent when threatened.
Jabbert – Scavenger carnivore, spiny, low skull, whiskers half the size of its body.
Jaynirgs – Sentient avian species, tend to not have much bother with ground dwellers, preferring to live in their sprawling treehouse towns and having their own culture and languages. Occasionally they do mix with others, but tend to get uncomfortable with enclosed rooms and having to walk everywhere after a while.
Jejen – Many assume this long feline is a myth, its twin tails occasionally seen disappearing around corners or over walls, but the full creature has rarely been seen. It is often attributed in old wives tales for making things vanish around the home, or used to threaten unruly children e.g. “Oo, the jejen has hidden my needles!” or “The jejen will come to nibble your toes.” In truth, they are quite docile, just very socially awkward and do not really like to interact with anyone apart from other jejens.
Kiti – Mewling eight-legged rodents, similar to rats and their habits.
Leafbirds – Cunningly camouflaged birds who move in flocks and tend to settle on dead trees. When disturbed it rather looks like the tree they were sat on just exploded.
Manaphite – Fungus based interdependent cluster, only a handful have become large and specialis
ed enough to become sentient. Most smaller ones possess assorted sensory adaptations and react to enough stimuli for them to be classed as 'animal' rather than 'growth'.
Mankfree – Long-tailed climbers with very luxuriant fur, which they use to soak moisture from the atmosphere. Their name indicates the freedom of movement they enjoy, unless hunted, which they tend to be by unscrupulous poachers.
Marrot fish - Orange with green innards, a tasty food source for anyone who likes a seafood diet.
Merphant – Usually water-dwelling behemoths with long trunks, primarily used to rip up kelp and other greenery. Occasionally flop onto land and upset the other wildlife by being somewhat bigger than them.
Mooin – Stupid woolly cow-like animals, are the ultimate in farm beast as every part of it, from milk to hide to fur to hooves, can be used productively.
Pinscuttle – Poisonous oversized insect similar to a scorpion except for more prominent compound eyes and the ability to eat vegetation.
Podgean – Fat scavenger bird with streaks of blue feathers down both sides, that look rather like go-faster stripes.
Racooties – Stripy, quick-moving vermin, fond of eating anything they can grab.
Rapli – Very annoying high-pitched birds with a bluish plumage and a tendency to attack people’s faces.
Rssscli – Gelatinous green rubbery species, noted for their ability to form themselves into a variety of bewildering shapes.
Shnotdwar – A disgusting act that can only be performed in extremely specific circumstances. Usually used as an insult.
Skrit – Tiny six-legged part insect, part lizard carrion-eaters that tend to have an uncanny knack of knowing when there is about to be something killed and turning up to get the best pickings.